I blamed myself for my dad's death for a really long time and hated myself for it. I held on to that hate for a long time and didn't care about a lot of bad things that happened to me and felt I deserved all of it. Don't do that. There's no shortcuts through grief but I definitely got stuck in that phase way longer than I should have or was healthy for someone to experience. I struggled finding help and after a decade I just woke up and was like "wait, that wasn't my fault" and sort of started moving on from there. Please take care of yourself

I mean, yes, there are typical stages, but it is a highly individualized process. How, when, and even if you move through them is different per person and per loss. I'm sorry that your first response was to judge yourself as bad or deficient because it's completely normal to have a delayed reaction, even possibly a delay of months .

I'm sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry

Sorry for your loss comrade, he sounded like a great dad. ngl the cycle of grief is very real and it's a bitch to go though, went through it when my mom passed. Having someone to talk to helps, thankfully at the time I had a therapist who helped me along.

I'm sorry for your loss, it sounds like y'all had a pretty great relationship. Cherish the memories you have and be easy on yourself, grief is weird.

My condolences comrade, please try to take care of yourself

Sorry for your loss. Don't hold your tears in.

I think it’s pretty common to not feel anything right away. It’s a cliche that everyone experiences grief differently, but I think it’s a cliche for a reason. I’m glad it didn’t take long for the dam to break for you. That interim period can sow some harmful seeds of doubt if left to fester for too long.

I will say that the stages of grief aren’t pop science, but them happening in that specific order was observed in terminal patients dealing grief about their own lives. Grief in general can skip over steps and it can repeat them and it can get stuck if not processed. It’s different for everyone. But it seems like you’re on a healthy, if lengthy, track to healing.

This is almost verbatim what I felt when I lost a parent.

The most eerie thing was how utterly mundane it was, both in the moment and for the rest of the day. I think the human brain is designed to cope well with emergencies: get yourself to safety first, process emotions later.

The next several weeks were filled with random, sudden tears. Pulling to the side of the road because I couldn’t see when my eyes welled up. All this for someone who, despite being my parent, I wasn't that emotionally close with.

It never really gets less sad, but you do start to understand how to accept it. Your brain starts to understand how to integrate this new information into your psyche, which right now feels as absurd as if the sky literally fell down.

If my experience is anything to go by, your experience is incredibly normal. My heart goes out to you.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Sending you some good vibes, comrade

Just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story, it takes personal courage to be willing to share something so intrinsically intimate to you and your family. I understand the mindset of wanting to really beat the shit out of yourself for having a delayed emotional reaction then having it jump your ass. Almost crushed my foot and my head because I quite literally broke down and started bawling on the job multiple times in one day when it finally hit me.

Don't beat yourself up too much and take some time going through your memories of your dad throughout your life, cherish that irreplaceable time together and embrace your feelings.

it's a brutal thing to go through. I'm sorry for this awful time for you.

:meow-hug: wish you the best

condolences. means little right now but it sounds like you had good moments with your dad you can treasure to move forward.

I felt the same when my grandpa died. At first it just didn't seem right or real. He had brutal lung cancer he got from working in an environment with industrial chemical fumes. So we always knew this was going to be the way he went. And he held on for a long time. I really looked up to my grandpa and loved him. By the time he was elderly he had learned all the mistakes a young man makes, the false allure of pride, the destruction allowing anger to control you causes. He was gentle with animals. He also was a sailor in the pacific during WW2. Saw Japanese planes slam into ships and said the emotion of seeing that was adrenaline mixed with disgust and nausea. He had so many stories like that. He had cool sailor tattoos old men have like anchors and Betty Boop and stuff. He rode motorcycles (he was a Honda guy, funny enough).

Anyways, it also hit me a while later. The finality of it. I just was thinking about him and decided to take a shower because showers can be a good time to process and I just broke down and cried while the warm water flowed over me. Then I was sad for a few weeks. But in many ways I think the best parts of him were instilled with me. The ripples of his legacy carry on outwards even though his stone has sunk below the waters of life.

the stages of grief are real, but they aren't really a cycle or consistent, and they are unique for everyone. Don't feel bad if somedays it hits you a lot harder or you don't feel anything at all. Writing helps me a lot when really struggling, thanks for sharing your feelings.

I’m really sorry to hear that. I remember experiencing the same things when my grandma died. The bargaining was the worst because I already felt guilty about not seeing her more often, among other things. All I can say is it gets easier, but it’s okay if it never really goes away. If you have an opportunity, take some self-care grieving time (and don’t judge yourself for what form it takes). It’s going to hit you randomly after you can pick up and move on, and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as you can figure out how to manage it. He sounds like a great guy and you will have a lot of stories to forever keep his memory alive.

I'm really sorry for your loss, it sounds like your dad was a wonderful person.

May he rest in peace. I wish the best for you and your family.

Words really can only do so much here, but I'm sending only the warmest vibes comrade

Please take care of yourself while you process things

I'm sorry for your loss but I'm glad you had a relationship that you can treasure. Whatever other doubts or fears you may experience while grieving, may those memories be your guiding light.

I am so sorry. I am trying to prepare to go through the same thing. My dad has malign pancreatic cancer and there is no chance of him getting better.

I recognize much of what you're saying, even if he is currently alive. My immediate reaction to hearing about his cancer was to go grocery shopping. You just kind of run on auto pilot for a while and then you blame yourself because the auto pilot worked. I'm stuck at bargaining still, because what if the chemo somehow doesn't just treat the daughter tumors? What if all the oncologists are wrong and he just bounces back? And how could I have acted differently so that he wouldn't get cancer? These are the questions of a madman and you must know as well that there is no real answer, nothing you could have done. I still have no idea how to make the questions stop though. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry to hear it.

My father passed away a few years ago after a long battle with progressive ailments. I was relieved for him, but miss his advice and the time we spent together as adults.

My wife found a picture of him as a young man, and took an artifact that reminded me of him and put it all in a frame. It hangs in the hallway where I walk by every day. It makes me smile.

It takes a while, but hope you can find a similar, positive reminder.

My condolences, take care of yourself. I'm sure your father loved you just the same way you loved him. I lost my mother quite recently.

My condolences comrade, your father seemed like a great guy, I wish mine was even half as awesome as you portray yours here.

Don't beat yourself for not feeling the way you're "supposed" to, it is perfectly normal to have the shock of losing him only impact you later on. I lost my grandmother earlier this month (in fact the funeral is today). I was unbelievably close to her since I live at her house and lived with her for the majority of my life; but despite this I didn't cry during her illness while her health declined so quickly, I didn't cry when she died... I only cried when her body was taken away (which was surprisingly late because of the shitty way home-hospitalisation is organised in France), but when I did it was the most I've ever cried in my life. All this to say, I feel you comrade.

I've lost my little brother and my father both suddenly (drug overdose and suicide). I know exactly the feeling you're talking about. With my father I had an immediate breakdown because I found out during a time I was just trying to contact him and someone else answered saying he shot himself. Then 2 months of nothing and even 8 years later I still occasionally just feel like the floor drops out from under me.

With my brother I was on the phone with police who had been called to his house for a welfare check, they couldn't find him so I got a bunch of people to start calling around and trying to find him in jails, hospitals or friends houses. Then I just get a call saying they found his body in a closet on the porch.

Again immediate breakdown, then nothing, then laughter and anger for days, morbid jokes. Had to drive halfway across the country to get his affairs in order. The whole time it was just business and trying to figure out what happened. Now 8 months out, it just comes seemingly at random. I'll be driving and see something I think he would find funny and get that immediate reaction to call him then it hits.

The human brain is really good at compartmentalizing grief, but it's always there and will manifest in weird ways.

When I got the bad news a couple of days ago, I felt absolutely nothing. And I hated myself for it.

1st. Condolences.

2nd. Everyone processes grief differently. You are not obligated to "look sad" and don't let anyone try to foist that onto you. You only get to process the passing of a loved one once and nobody should try to dictate how you do that.

I'm so sorry

My mother and grandmother passed from COVID on NYE 2020 and NYD 2021.

It does get better. Although I'm still going through the 5 stages. I have such vivid dreams of them and I always wake up a grieve again, but it's still much better than it was.

Hang in there. It is hard when you can't say goodbye, but just be patient with your emotions and you will get through this.