BIGGER AND MORE PRIDEFUL THAN EVER BEFORE 
this post was submitted on 24 Jun 2024
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traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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depression vent (It's long)
Y'all I feel like shit (bland, dull, bad, idk how else to describe it). I'm hoping this is just because I'm on the tail end of my injection cycle, but if it's not I'm probably about to be put into the ringer. I really should look into therapy or something because I get the smallest wins (especially after starting E) and I say "wow E cured my depression I thought I had already gotten over" and then I get back into it and it feels worse than it did before. It could also be Bipolar or something of that vein, or even worse its just something fun that could possibly come from AuDHD (realizing as I am typing this that it would have been better for the neurodiverse comm but whatever I need to get it out there). Despite being on Hexbear now and getting to talk to all of you, I feel lonlier than I have probably ever felt. I got a taste of this almost a year ago when most of the people I know either moved or became too occupied, and I was like "this is fine, I like isolation anyway, I like my personal time" and then my family was gone and I realized how much I despise it. After my egg cracked though I suddenly found myself wanting to spend more time with other people. The issue is, after "preferring" isolation for so long (in combination with my AuDHD and whatever else is going on inside my head) I am left without (what I feel) are adequate skills to meet new people, make new friends, even talk to other peers. The farthest I can get in conversations was my (now ex) cashier job and in passing with strangers while walking/hiking because I have had a lot of time to hone scripts for these situations. When I don't have a script, however, and I try to do something, it sends me into an anxiety-ridden spiral (I struggle to learn because I just form scripts, these don't help me improve). This is so bad that it even happens on here; It's the reason I often don't know what to say, can't respond to others appropriately, etc (Y'all have just been getting a lot of thisTL;DR (CW: excessive swearing)
Fuck my AuDHD, Fuck Depression (or Bipolar or whatever the fuck), Fuck Social Anxiety (and anxiety in general), and of course, I'm extremely sorry I haven't been present. How horrible is it that I disassociate from an internet forum and just enter lurker mode again. It makes me feel horrible and like a stalkerSo that you all don't have to read these if you don't want to (or try to respond to it), or just want some positivity out of me, I can still give it. One of my friends is using my new name now, and I starting voice training today! I thought I would enjoy it, since I like singing and all, but it is a different beast. I'm used to vocalizing, but I'm rusty, haven't had to do it in a while, and I sound like some sort of combination between a dead animal and voice cracks (the voice cracks aren't bad, I know, but it's jarring).
Death to cis, Luna
dissociation, depersonalization, depression/anxiety
I also dissociated from hexbear for several weeks and honestly I'm still a little bit out of it. And I also feel anxious about responding to people, not because of what people say but because of a combination of ADHD and social anxiety. RSD doesn't help either. I've dissociated from responding to multiple friends and comrades recently because I heavily depersonalized and then got severe anxiety about catching back up, even though I know the messages are probably nothing but supportive. It's a big issue with me.Sorry, I hope this isn't too heavy of a response. Guess I just wanted to say... I hope you know you aren't alone. You don't need to feel pressure about responding to this comment either, I just wanted to say that I can relate to a lot of what you're discussing and that your experiences are valid. These things are tough
It's not too heavy, and thank you. I hope your anxiety isn't causing too much pain as you get back into things
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