this post was submitted on 08 May 2024
420 points (98.8% liked)

Not The Onion

11589 readers
957 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Comments must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 1 year ago
MODERATORS
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] Draegur@lemm.ee 313 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (2 children)

literally had brainworms

which literally starved in his head

good grief you couldn't pay me to admit that shit

[–] Gradually_Adjusting@lemmy.world 74 points 3 months ago (1 children)

This would all be so much funnier if I lived on a space station

[–] FollyDolly@lemmy.world 10 points 3 months ago

Don't forget the mercury poisoning!

[–] Linuturk@lemmy.world 163 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Poor guy starved to death.

[–] MyTurtleSwimsUpsideDown@fedia.io 99 points 3 months ago (1 children)

The doctor believed that the abnormality seen on his scans “was caused by a worm that got into my brain and ate a portion of it and then died,” Kennedy said in the deposition.

Or fatal food poisoning.

[–] unreachable@lemmy.world 28 points 3 months ago (2 children)

"this one, unpalatable, even with chianti and flava beans." - Hannibal Lecter

[–] SpaceNoodle@lemmy.world 10 points 3 months ago

*Flava Flav beans

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] mundane@feddit.nu 129 points 3 months ago (5 children)

the 70-year-old Kennedy has portrayed his athleticism and relative youth as an advantage over the two oldest people to ever seek the White House

A 70 year old is the young guy? That's nuts

[–] Guntrigger@sopuli.xyz 59 points 3 months ago

Well he does have Junior in his name

load more comments (4 replies)
[–] A_Random_Idiot@lemmy.world 121 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Poor thing probably starved to death.

[–] loopedcandle@lemmynsfw.com 16 points 3 months ago

Top tier roast

[–] skuzz@discuss.tchncs.de 4 points 3 months ago

I switched to a garlic shampoo.

[–] RobotToaster@mander.xyz 107 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Asked last week if any of Kennedy’s health issues could compromise his fitness for the presidency, Stefanie Spear, a spokesperson for the Kennedy campaign, told the Times, “That is a hilarious suggestion, given the competition.”

That's hard to argue with tbh.

[–] RamblingPanda@lemmynsfw.com 15 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Dead Worm for a brain Kennedy, shitting himself Traitor-Trump and I can't see anything wrong with Netanjahu Biden, what a party.

[–] pivot_root@lemmy.world 29 points 3 months ago

A senile traitor, an ethically-dubious dinosaur, and a man with a hole in his brain walk into a bar—sorry, did I say bar? I meant poll.

[–] gmtom@lemmy.world 48 points 3 months ago

The weird thing was it wasn't even a parasitic worm, it was just a regular earth worm.

[–] solo@kbin.earth 39 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

His brain is so toxic that the unfortunate worm died of poisoning.

[–] jmiller@lemm.ee 14 points 3 months ago

Maybe that was literally the case, he apparently had mercury poisoning at around the same time.

It's starting to sound like a retelling of the old lady who swallowed the fly.

Someone needs to invite /u/Poem_for_your_sprog to Lemmy.

[–] Kandorr@lemmy.world 39 points 3 months ago

He's got a lot on his mind..and, well, in it.

[–] holycrap@lemm.ee 36 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (3 children)

The worm was dead. He's an idiot that thinks ivermectin cures covid. Fucker got lucky and accidentally treated his at the time undiagnosed brainworms.

[–] anindefinitearticle@sh.itjust.works 37 points 3 months ago (2 children)

The worm was found a decade before COVID. It’s just being disclosed now.

[–] holycrap@lemm.ee 7 points 3 months ago

Oh interesting.

[–] Pretzilla@lemmy.world 3 points 3 months ago

The whole comment still flourishes as satire

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] DarkThoughts@fedia.io 32 points 3 months ago

Well, that explains some things.

[–] bhamlin@lemmy.world 28 points 3 months ago

Not even mind flayers want RFK Jr.

[–] Dasnap@lemmy.world 23 points 3 months ago (1 children)
[–] Rolive@discuss.tchncs.de 23 points 3 months ago (1 children)
[–] tordenflesk@lemmy.world 13 points 3 months ago
[–] Jimmycakes@lemmy.world 19 points 3 months ago
[–] dullbananas@lemmy.ca 17 points 3 months ago

"If that had been a properly FDA-inspected brain, that worm may not have died." - someone's youtube comment

[–] cabron_offsets@lemmy.world 12 points 3 months ago

Believable.

[–] user1234@lemmynsfw.com 10 points 3 months ago

That wasn't a worm in his brain. That WAS his brain.

[–] lagomorphlecture@lemm.ee 9 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Reasons not to eat meat omg.

"Some tapeworm larvae can live in a human brain for years without causing problems. Others can wreak havoc, often when they start to die, which causes inflammation. The most common symptoms are seizures, headaches and dizziness. ADVERTISEMENT

There are roughly 2,000 hospitalizations for the condition, known as neurocysticercosis, each year in the United States, according to the journal Emerging Infectious Diseases.

Scott Gardner, curator of the Manter Laboratory for Parasitology at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, said once any worm is in a brain, cells calcify around it. “And you’re going to basically have almost like a tumor that’s there forever. It’s not going to go anywhere.”"

[–] JimVanDeventer@lemmy.world 28 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Did you shout ADVERTISEMENT in the middle of your comment?

[–] intensely_human@lemm.ee 13 points 3 months ago

Yeah I’m not so sure about BE SURE TO DRINK YOUR OVALTINE this brain worm stuff.

[–] archomrade@midwest.social 9 points 3 months ago

Oh my god brainworms are real

[–] bitchkat@lemmy.world 7 points 3 months ago

More like the found a parasitic RFK on a tapeworm.

[–] CarCdrCons@lemmy.world 6 points 3 months ago

Several infectious disease experts and neurosurgeons said in separate interviews with the Times that, based on what Kennedy described, they believed it was likely a pork tapeworm larva.

You can only get a tapeworm eating pork

[–] samus12345@lemmy.world 6 points 3 months ago (3 children)
load more comments (3 replies)
[–] ivanafterall@kbin.social 6 points 3 months ago

That makes so much sense.

[–] postmateDumbass@lemmy.world 6 points 3 months ago

He is the Mezcal of candidates.

[–] fritobugger2017@lemmy.world 6 points 3 months ago

That explains a lot.

[–] kikutwo@lemmy.world 5 points 3 months ago

That explains SOME of the things.

[–] xc2215x@lemmy.world 3 points 3 months ago

A very strange place for one.

[–] postmateDumbass@lemmy.world 3 points 3 months ago

Anyone seen Kahn lurking around?

load more comments
view more: next ›