History

So my money stretches a whole lot further than in America, right? Well, so does my attractiveness. My friends and I walk around and I feel like a celebrity with the attention and catcalling lavished on us. On dating apps it goes from having a couple matches a week to piling up dozens of likes. When I started, I felt it was different because I was getting good conversations which meant the climate was different. I asked this girl on a date and she goes "really? Yes!" and a smiley emoji. I even got an honest to God well thought out opening message once. I got jaded to that with people who were much more to the point with their desire for short term dating. Whether it was, "just ask me out giggle emoji" or the same with a number for the messaging app. I took this woman up on the offer. I try to be cordial and she's like "want to have fun tonight?" And I'm like I have plans, why not tomorrow? Shit was so smooth I start getting suspicious. I take my friend's phone because I can't make calls on mine. I write my other friend's phone number on my arm in case she's actually 3 mafiosos in a trench coat robbing me for a phone and maybe $80 USD so I could run into a store and ask someone to call my friends to pick me up. I keep pinging them saying that I'm fine.

She's not ill-intentioned. She comes back with me to have silly, funny sex. She barely speaks English and I don't speak a lick of the local language. She doesn't tell me her name and her app is encrypted and deletes messages after a week. She works at a bar as a woman who drinks with patrons. That's fine and whatever. It's nice to feel famous and attractive plus everyone enjoys a happy ending, right? I call her a taxi and she leaves. We later try meeting up again to no avail. Well, my friend who doesn't know anything but being intense has a real monkey see, monkey do attitude about it which is what I wanted to pontificate about. Cause for every thoughtless encounter, there's also an equivalent sex worker. So he has one come over for what I imagine to be a modest discount compared to what you could do in America.

It all made me raise an eyebrow when he texts us along the lines of "the condoms you got were too small for me, so it broke." Comrades, I need specific sex toys because the preponderance of sleeves are too small for me. These were regular ass condoms and I'm reasonably sure they fit okay. We were ruminating on the point and I show my other friend the way you can fill a condom with water. The point being that these suckers are not too small unless he puts so much blood into his boner he just fucking dies. So he starts boasting about how many times he has unprotected sex with this prostitute. Our other friend starts feeling like he's missing out on some manly pursuit.

So it doesn't even end there. We're running around like celebrities and we decide that we like getting massages after we do martial arts (another realm where he's going bananas until he literally gets punched in the face). The masseuses are really friendly and I invite one of them to come over to smoke weed. She's down and giggly about it. Well, I start feeling wretched because of my skin, my sinus, and I'm shidding out my doodoo ass. So the night where all the masseuses go out comes and I'm in bed early despite being invited by both my friends and the ladies. I made a good call because my body would have had a physiological panic attack in a bar somewhere.

Well, I'm up in the wee hours of the morning asking my other friend to come with me to the mart to get water so I don't get mugged and he has to tell me there's 1L water bottles on the couch that I missed twice and my impulsive friend's bedroom light is on. He scored with the masseuse he had his eye on. Good for him. Except: he got a different brand of bigger condom - and it fell off.

So basically he's gotten 2 women to take emergency contraceptives, he needs to borrow money to go get an STI screening (because he's been spending lavishly), and he got the flu. He wakes up in a cold sweat about it before it dawns on him to get tested. And his ass did catch something! It makes me feel so worried for these women and like my friend is reckless and going to get himself hurt more than he already is. The man is a black cat, only being seen when he means to be seen. Nothing to do but be there when he needs help again, I think. I suppose it's infantilizing to think anything else for the women. But it all seems so gross and off-putting. Like I'll happily go back to rolling a D20 to see if a woman will respond to me before I have to roll a D20 for HIV.

Like I wanted to run off to Japan to learn judo, I might just run off there to find a wife and never ever look at another woman, country, or night out again. The chaotic attitude that allows someone to rack up dozens of notches on the bedpost isn't for me. Like do I regret what I did with the woman I got with? I guess not. No symptoms or anything. She was very nice and for all I understand she enjoyed herself. Should I keep doing things like that when the scare of my friend's escapades wears off? I don't know!! When I ask myself what I want, I think I want to be ace until someone wonderful comes along (but I believe myself to desire hetero sex and a monogamous relationship with a woman in both thoughts and actions). I want to take a certain comrade I'm thinking of who laments their experience with dating apps (who it would be exceedingly rude to tag) and implore them to not feel too bad because the alternative of unfettered access gets squirrelly so quickly. I'm sure people are looking down the scope at me either going "rich person says money isn't everything" or "I never thought leopards would eat my face." Both of which are fair. Hope you both still call me comrade.

Basically, sex is cringe. I want to talk about opportunities for children next.