/c/Vent: Vent about your life here

Yeah. All the times people say “sleep when the baby sleeps” or “You must be exhausted”? It’s because we’ve been there.

I will give one piece of advice. Alarms.

Need to make a call or check on someone? Alarm.

Dropping the baby off somewhere before work? Add an alarm (repeat if need be) to make sure the kids not in the car.

Cooking dinner? Add an alarm to check that the stove is off.

Super exhausted brain is rough and while it’s always a small chance it’s scary how quickly we can do something stupid or dangerous without realizing it.

Personally I’ve thrown clothes in the trash and put trash in the laundry hamper (learned not to carry both at the same time) and locked myself out of the house for an hour (trusted neighbor got a copy of our house key after that one)

Bonus tip: poison control is cool. Don’t be afraid to call when/if something happens. Kid got into teething tablets and ate them all? Not the first time they’ve heard of it and if there’s anything to be done they’ll tell you. They even checked back a little later just to be sure.

Bonus tip 2: if you have somebody willing to help with laundry, house, etc take it. It feels weird but a lot of the people offering know exactly what you’re going through.

Small kids pee when exposed to cold air around their private parts. It's to avoid peeing on mom all the time. Some people use that to save on diapers xD they are not doing that on purpose, learning that helped me keep a strategic eye out for that.

Definitely reframe your thinking. Baby didn't do anything strategically. He is in an alien world, inundated with new experiences. None of this was his choice.

He isn't doing anything TO you. You did it all to him. And while I figure you're kind of joking with that, those words get into your subconscious and breed resentment, even if you think it's not affecting how you interact with the baby.

That said, what is your support system? Do you have family or friends who could spot you for a few hours to give you and your wife a nice dinner out or something? Don't be ashamed to ask for help. No one should isolate themselves when caring for a tiny human.

As a parent of teens, I'd be super happy to step in and clean some bottles, clean up a poopy baby, and rock them while they cry. These are all skills I developed that I no longer get to use. It would be nice to feel like maybe I have something useful to offer, because teens definitely make you feel like you don't.

It will get better. I promise you that. The beginning is always the roughest. It’s an adjustment. Things will never be the same, but you can (and will) make it just as good, if not better.

Hang in there. You and your wife got this. How you feel right now is not how you’ll always feel, ok? Sometimes it takes a little while to “kick in”. And when it does, whoa baby, you’re in for the greatest ride of your life.

I have to reiterate: you’ve got this. You are doing fine. This is normal.

Also: when changing baby, put new diaper over them while you dispose of old diaper. Then when they pee, it hits the diaper and not you.

You’ve got this!

Edit: I almost forgot: congratulations! 😁

It's actually really good that you wrote out your frustrations like this. Humans are incredible at forgetting, which is why people often look forward to having a second or third child despite living through the nightmare you're describing. In a couple of years, if you're feeling like you want to have another one, at least now you can go back through your old posts and regain a little bit of the perspective you've managed to forget so you can go into the second time around with your eyes wide open.

Oof. I had one do that a few times. I was shocked because that particular kid had great bladder control, generally. It sure seemed calculated.

In his case, the second time it happened, I realized he had been waiting to get out of a full diaper, because he knew peeing then would soak his clothes.

And once the diaoer was off, I think he wanted to pee quick before the next diaper went on, because he didn't like the feeling of a wet diaper, and he knew I wouldn't check it for a bit right after a change.

It gave me some comfort to realize he wasn't just being obnoxious on purpose. He was just trying to solve a rare problem in his own clever way with the few options he had.

I ended up switching to diapers with the color change stripe, which I think helped him relax about peeing in the diaper, knowing I would notice the full diaper sooner. Once he understood the change, I recall that stopped happening.

Of course another change was I got quick with the spare diaper cover, for him.

With every other kid, they just peed randomly, so I was always careful with that spare diaper. The only reason this guy nailed me a couple times was that he had great bladder control, other than in that rare situation.

The first 3-6 months are like vegas, anything you and your partner say or feel in this period are exhaustion enduced and get forgotten. Until the baby can smile and act like a tiny human you just endure. Once it smiles and sleeps for at least 4 hours your brain will give the good chemicals and you both start to forget this time.

Honestly theres some great advice in this thread about perspective already. So being only three weeks in, i have one useful piece of real advice. Thats not a functional human yet, it cant move under it's own power, it cant remember what happened 5 minutes ago. You can strap the infant in a car seat and walk the fuck away for five minutes. be in another room breathing. It can not follow you, it will not remember. Use this weakness against it while you can.

Ugh, I've been there. My firstborn was so awful. At one point I was so sleep deprived that I dreamt I had murdered someone and couldn't tell it had been a dream. For about a week I lived in constant fear of the police. Until I realized in another dream that it's all good. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture and it's really no joke. During that time I understood why sometimes people shake their babies to death. I had moments where I had to put her on the floor, leave the room and close the door. Just to get a few minutes to gather the strength to carry on. I also heard other people say that when they say how great having a child is, they're not referring to the first year. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it will probably get better.

Totally hear you. First few weeks are tough. Some kids are harder than others, and you're learning a lot too. Good news is that they get easier, and you will get better at it. Also, a couple months in they start smiling and you get some encouragement finally.

Until then - consider a postpartum doula and a housecleaner. Takes money, but your life and family are worth it if you are able. You can't get all the independence back, but you can get enough.

You can do it! In a few weeks he will sleep through the night and you'll both wake up panicked because it's 6am and you haven't heard from him in 7 hours. These are the things that you'll look back on and smile. You're doing it!

Babies can sense your frustration and it scares them into crying worse.

My son once peed when he was getting changed and managed to hit himself in the face. He never did it again after that. Win!

Anyway, hugs, you’re in the thick of it, but as everyone says, it does get better.

Just 3 weeks in? Let it all out now, I suppose.

If I am not mistaken, and I could be easily mistaken, is that part of what you are experiencing is the shift in "daddy hormones". The physiology of both parents changes once they become parents and you are likely feeling it now. Women obviously have earlier and more impactful changes in that regard. I can only speak from my own experience and mine was very real.

I got no tips or tricks or anything useful that would possibly help. Parenthood doesn't run on drive-by advice so I won't attempt to give any. (Get sleep whenever you can as it sounds like you need it. That isn't advice though: It is a reminder.)

Believe it or not, I am actually overflowing with sympathy. There may or may not be a shit-eating grin on my face, but if there is, it's a sympathetic one.

Eventually, your experiences above becomes the norm and you get used to the routineless routine. Time will continue to tick forward and patterns will shift as the child gets older.

Intimacy with your SO will return and your frustration is normal. You may get pushed close to breaking over the next few months, but that is OK! Just focus on being a good daddy, no matter what. (The practice should come in handy later.)

Edit: Do you know how to baby-proof a room? Toss them in a space and follow them around for a bit. Their baby radar will immediately find any hidden dangers to chew on in about 15 seconds flat. By the time you mitigate one problem, they will have found the next. After an hour or so, you will have a nearly sterile room. (It's magical how they do that, actually. This was a joke, but actually kinda isn't.)

I never question my choice to not have kids.

I know this probably isn’t helpful, but I’ll see if I can turn it around at the last second:

Reading something like this really makes me so grateful that we somehow won the baby lottery for those first few weeks.

She was chill, and predictable, and sweet. As a pair of first time parents we couldn’t have asked for a better onboarding.

Now, if your baby and mine can be so vastly different at that early stage, who’s to say what’s next? Mine could turn into the goblin you’re describing and yours could magically zen out.

I keep reminding myself, with each new phase, “this is cool/shit and all, but it’s also gonna be over right quick.”

Im finding this thread very helpful. My wife and I are planning to have a kid next year (planning to start trying in the next few months). It's good to know what we'll be in for, that it gets easier after a few months, and that there are a lot of ways of making things easier.

Man, that's rough.

Now, I've never actually parented a newborn full time. All the kids that I've been a parent to were past that stage a good bit.

However, I was a nurse's assistant. And I had a double handful of newborn patients for one reason or another. Obviously, it's a little different on my end than yours, but I have that glimpse into the sheer insanity that is a newborn, and some of the parents of my patients were in the same place you are. Hell, one couple hired me for their second kid a few years after I worked for them because they just needed someone they could trust to give them a night of solid sleep once or twice a week.

I think that shows exactly how draining an infant can be, that they'd pay out of pocket for my company to send me out, with how expensive babies are, even at their income level.

My dude, I genuinely hope you have someone, family, friends, whatever, that can give you both the break you need. And you both need breaks. What you're doing is physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting. If not, look into a home health agency. They'll be insured, have certifications, the whole works. No way insurance will cover it, but you would be amazed how many people need respite help for newborns. You won't have much trouble finding a company that will set you up with whatever frequency you need, just be honest and up front about wanting someone trained for first aid and infant care rather than for an existing medical issue. There are some that are under staffed and can't fill that need, but they're out there.

Even if it's just a few hours a week, you need relief.

And that's just one of the many reasons I've never wanted kids.

Welcome to parenthood :)

It gets better.

I remember things getting noticably easier every doubling starting at three weeks. So it was three weeks, then six, then three months, then six, then one year and two... And that was basically when I stopped needing to count.

At around 6 months, things got easier for us. We got better at everything, he got better at, well, being alive, I guess. And we as a routine that mostly worked. Still had a long journey in raising a baby, but it got easier.

I don't know when the independence came around, but not before six months. You situation might be different. If you have family, lean on them. Get some sleep. Snuggle your wife.

Seriously, if you can, get someone to tag in once in a while. It's a grind.

Bud you are not wrong. I absolutely hated the newborn phase even the toddler phase while adorable was mind numbingly boring. But once they start hitting sevenish years old it's a total fucking turnaround and they are a blast just hang in there dude. And whatever you do for fuck sake do not shake the baby