this post was submitted on 22 Sep 2024
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The Onion

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BOCA RATON, Fla. — Conservative podcaster Ben Shapiro called for a boycott of Zoltar machines after his wish to become “big” went unfulfilled for the 4,000th day straight, confirmed sources who learned about this news against their will.

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[–] moistclump@lemmy.world 88 points 1 month ago (2 children)

God they’re good

“It’s outrageous that these devices are allowed to perpetuate lies,” said Shapiro, standing on his tippy toes. “I paid a quarter, an American quarter, to a machine that was probably manufactured in China. I made my wish. I spoke clearly and with authority. I said ‘I wish I was big.’ The machine started laughing at me and then deposited a piece of paper for me to read that said, ‘Your wish has not been granted.’ I climbed down off the box I take everywhere with me and I left the carnival right there and then. Stay tuned for seven or eight more podcasts about this exact situation.”

[–] moistclump@lemmy.world 55 points 1 month ago (1 children)

At press time, after trying several more Zoltar machines, Shapiro claims to be turning to darker magic in a desperate attempt to grow but without a soul to sell, he is stuck being a teeny wittle boy.

[–] BallsandBayonets@lemmings.world 4 points 1 month ago

The Onion is great about sneaking in the best joke in the last sentence.

[–] kboy101222@sh.itjust.works 11 points 1 month ago

This is just straight bullying the man...

And damn does he ever deserve it!

[–] aeronmelon@lemmy.world 18 points 1 month ago (1 children)

He also sued the department store with the giant foot piano because he messed up Heart & Soul in front of other people.

[–] TachyonTele@lemm.ee 2 points 1 month ago

Does he even know what music is?

[–] just_another_person@lemmy.world 17 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Why does this fucker always look like he's dropping a deuce and about to cry about it?

[–] ZeroCool@slrpnk.net 13 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (1 children)

Oh that’s just his signature resting ‘whiny little bitch’ face.

[–] BruceTwarzen@lemm.ee 5 points 1 month ago (1 children)

For the longest time i have never even heard him talk. All i heard was people imitating him. And i have to say, they are all 100% spot on

[–] A7thStone@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago

Let's say your wife's p-word is dry. Let's say, hypothetically, it's like the Sahara. My wife, who is a doctor, has informed me this is natural for a p-word. Of we accept the professional opinion of my wife, who is a doctor, you will obviously come to the conclusion that a wet p-word is symptomatic of a venereal disease. Facts don't care about your feelings.

[–] phoenixz@lemmy.ca 6 points 1 month ago

Dammit onion, you make it so hard to know what is real and what is not

[–] Rhaedas@fedia.io 4 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I take any Onion article as truth until proven otherwise. So far it's worked. Speaking of which, I recommend the article "'No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens". Seems to be a regularly featured topic.

[–] OpenStars@discuss.online 3 points 1 month ago (1 children)

What a fantastic marketing strategy - without having any idea what the product is, just hearing that it denied him would kinda make many people want to use it? :-P

[–] chatokun@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 points 1 month ago (1 children)

It's also a reference to a movie for the olds. Big with Tom Hanks. Lots references to it in popular media I'm sure. Evidently Tom Hanks also did a joke about it on a Colbert show(forgot which).

[–] OpenStars@discuss.online 2 points 1 month ago

img

Yes! I've seen it, though I did not recall at first the name "Zoltar", so I definitely had to look it up, and was kinda dancing around that part b/c as you say it's been... a minute since that movie came out ~~and nothing prior to about 2010 should exist~~ some people may not know about it these days:-).

But you are so friendly to kindly offer that info to make certain - thanks:-).