this post was submitted on 21 Oct 2023

296 points (99.0% liked)

Not The Onion

11127 readers

782 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

Links to news stories from...
...credible sources, with...
...their original headlines, that...
...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Comments must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 1 year ago

MODERATORS

kescusay@lemmy.world

296

Police close road for 31 hours after sex doll mistaken for dead body dumped in woods (www.independent.co.uk)

submitted 9 months ago by seaQueue@lemmy.world to c/nottheonion@lemmy.world

25 comments fedilink hide all child comments

Police closed off a road for two days to investigate a report of a dead body dumped in woods - only to find out it was a discarded sex doll.

Warwickshire Police said it was with “great relief” that the hand and foot spotted poking out of undergrowth turned out to be an inflatable love aid.

all 26 comments

sorted by: hot top controversial new old

[–] ZeroCool@feddit.ch 41 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago) (1 children)

The force said it had followed “proper procedure” by sending a forensic pathologist to the woodland near Kineton, and cordoning off a country lane for 31 hours. But the suspected body was actually a “discarded and realistic life-size doll”, a spokesperson added.

Police chief: Alright gents what've we got here now.

Officer 1: Well, we recieved a call from a man who spotted a woman's hand and foot sticking out of some undergrowth in the woods over there [points in general direction]

Police chief: Right, and I see you've already cordoned off the area, and called in the forensic pathologist. Excellent. [turns to pathologist] So what else can you tell me about the victim?

Forensic pathologist: What, me? Oh no, I haven't had a look. Sounds a bit morbid.

Police chief: You didn't even make sure it was a dead person? What've you two been doing here for the last 30 sodding hours?

Officer 1: Well you don't have to raise your voice. We're standing right here.

Police chief: I know you're standing right there, that's the problem!

[–] Norgur@kbin.social 24 points 9 months ago

Officer 1: I don't know why you are so angry, Chief. We didn't do anything!

Police Chief: barely contained panting

[–] TWeaK@lemm.ee 28 points 9 months ago (2 children)

The police felt "great relief" with the sex doll you say.

[–] kambusha@feddit.ch 6 points 9 months ago

Bake em away, toys!

[–] southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 22 points 9 months ago (3 children)

Wait, nobody bothered to verify it was someone dead?

That's the dumb part. You check to see if the body is dead. Jfc.

[–] Tvkan@feddit.de 24 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago) (1 children)

"No pulse, no breathing, no cranial nerve reflexes – this woman is quite obviously dead."

[–] kambusha@feddit.ch 22 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago) (1 children)

Looks surprised by her death too

[–] Jerb322@lemmy.world 3 points 9 months ago

Someone slapped her on the back when she was making that face.

[–] Theharpyeagle@lemmy.world 8 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago)

Honestly, though 31 hours seems a bit excessive, I don't blame them for being cautious. If it was a body, they'd be smart to document everything in the area and carefully navigate so as not to contaminate the crime scene. Lots of important evidence could be destroyed by someone just walking up and moving the body.

I'd rather them be careful and thorough with what turns out to be a sex doll than be callous and clumsy with an actual body.

[–] Etterra@lemmy.world 1 points 9 months ago

They could have just poked it with a damn stick of they were so confused, geez.

[–] over_clox@lemmy.world 16 points 9 months ago

This is why you should always carry an inflator and patch kit, duh.

[–] Etterra@lemmy.world 14 points 9 months ago

Inflatable... So it wasn't even a super realistic doll, just a cheap inflatable one. JFC, poke it with a stick or something if you're that damned blind.

[–] affiliate@lemmy.world 13 points 9 months ago

i hope they’re able to find justice for the sex doll, it deserved better

[–] BigPapaE@lemmy.world 9 points 9 months ago (1 children)

This is why you recycle your gently used sex dolls

[–] x4740N@lemmy.world 5 points 9 months ago

You can always use them as a pencil holder

[–] WoahWoah@lemmy.world 8 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago) (1 children)

It took 31 hours to figure that out? Honestly. Other than killing ethnic minorities, what exactly do the police do?

(Don't tell the cops I said that; I don't want to die.)

[–] seaQueue@lemmy.world 4 points 9 months ago

Other than killing ethnic minorities, what exactly do the police do?

That overtime isn't going to rack itself up you know. Besides, who else is going to keep the donut shops in business?

[–] LateToTheCuttingEdge@lemmy.world 6 points 9 months ago

"When they finally dragged the ‘corpse’ out they realised the blunder. The officers had a big laugh about it. It was a very dirty, broken and overused sex doll.”

Um, ewww?

[–] azimir@lemmy.ml 5 points 9 months ago

It's a weird way to run a Turing Test, but I guess this was an expanded android version?

[–] someguy3@lemmy.ca 5 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Did it have Ursala written on it?

[–] sik0fewl@kbin.social 1 points 9 months ago

Ah. I guess I'm the asshole.

[–] FarceMultiplier@lemmy.ca 3 points 9 months ago

Well, that's fucked up.

[–] thepianistfroggollum@lemmynsfw.com 2 points 9 months ago

I guess this time it really was a "mannequin"

[–] rostby@lemmy.fmhy.net 2 points 9 months ago

We do a lil bit of trolling

[–] meowMix2525@lemm.ee 1 points 9 months ago

at least it wasn't a wild boar