No Stupid Questions

I think the way you're supposed to do it now is to post one of the JD Vance memes into c/196 and try DMing the first person who comments. Rinse and repeat until the desired outcome is achieved.

From my understanding (and experience) dating apps/online dating in general is dead, fucked up beyond repair by capitalism, toxic incels, predators, scammers, crooks and most recently AI. No technology can possibly survive such an onslaught and most of them wouldn't profit from doing so. They have a financial incentive to attract repeat customers.

In person meeting and dating should be the obvious alternative, but apparently nobody goes out socializing anymore since COVID and nobody can afford hobbies because of the economy and chronic social malaise and terminal online doomscrolling has broken people's ability to form human connection anyway so I think civilization is probably just ending after these last few generations, frankly.

If there is a useful option I'd love to know what it is too.

Yeah it's a known thing that match bought all the dating sites and turned them in to tinder and made the algorithm to not to help you find someone but just keep you on the site. So they just watch your patterns to keep you searching and give you just enough hope so you don't leave / stop paying.

The question i have is not even about dating but just making IRL friends. Stuff like meet-up is full of scams and professional networking. Where what I'm looking for is a site where I can find people that share my hobbies/interests.

Alovoa is free and opensource.

Its the only one i know that isn't out to make money

Plentyoffish mostly stinks but still has a free tier where you can message one person a day.

Also, on the page where you look at people who have viewed/liked you, the photos are blurred but if you use the Web Developer Inspection Tool you can see the unblurred photo:

Right click on one of the images of who you want to see and in the dropdown menu click "Inspect":

The Web Developer tools will pop up and should auto-locate you to the image in question. In Firefox you can just hover over the image location and view a preview of the image. You can also right click on the image location and "Open Link in New Tab" to view it.

From here, you can usually find them in your list of potential matches, in your "meet me" swipes, or in the recently online list. This way, if someone swipes right on you, you can find them without paying and can decide to match or message.

Cheers and good luck!

I like OK Cupid. It works perfectly without paying and matches are better as they are based on questions you answer and profiles contain more info. So it's less evaluating lifestock like Tinder.

There's also Bumble, it used to be that the woman needs to start talking when matched within 24h otherwise the match disappears. This is so women won't get spammed by loads of men. I heard they would change it, but I'm not sure if they actually did. It works fine without paying.

There's Boo, which I think is mostly for autistic and introvert people. Works fine with the free version.

There's Feeld, which works great without paying. The focus is mainly on sex, not so much relationship material imo.

A similar question was asked about 2 weeks ago; I was going to link to that but it was since deleted; so here's a copy & paste of my reply instead. Note payment wasn't raised in that discussion; my response to that would be: is potentially meeting people interested in dating you worth the fee (to me that answer was yes)? If a service provides value to me I'm happy to pay a reasonable amount.

A lot of negative comments. I went through a divorce last year (male, mid 40s), and used dating apps when I was ready to start meeting people. I was apprehensive going in but ended up shocked by how positive the results were. After a week or two I would have several matches and pause searching while I talked with those and planned in-person meetings. Most profiles you’ll never get a reply. Of those you match again, half likely never respond to initial introductions / questions. But, if you live in a major metro area there’s still plenty of people looking for relationships if you’re willing to filter through that. I’m now happily in a relationship for the past few months so I’ve stopped using these apps.

I tried 3: eHarmony, hinge, and bumble. Here’s my feedback from best to worse.

Hinge: encourages discussion as an initial match prompt. I met the most people on this app and many matches led to in person dates. Met the person I’m currently dating seriously on here.

Bumble: costs money to send a comment / question, free to “just swipe”. Kept showing me profiles for people currently within my search distance, but who have listed another major city as their home (I guess they’re connecting through the airport and on the app?). Went on multiple dates with matches, fewer than hinge.

eHarmony: where I originally met my previous wife ~20 years ago. Now had the fewest matches and worst experience (and highest cost). I stopped checking this one after about a month. Went on only 1 date.

Feedback from my matches about the app: many men are using it to find people to cheat with / aren’t serious about a relationship. All of them told me actually holding a conversation on the app put me in the “top tier” of their matches. Many shared that matches just gave super short answers then asked for a phone number. Several noted that half the time they shared a number they almost immediately received dick pics. Multiple said matches tried to get them into crypto (?!?!).

For me (busy work schedule, and still spend half my time with kids) the experience was far better than any dates friends or co workers suggested. The profiles are not super deep… Yes everyone loves live music, travel, and The Office. I wanted to connect over something more specific than that. At least the people you match with are also looking for a relationship. Meeting people through my hobbies at 40+ most are in long term relationships or not interested in starting one. The apps are largely superficial… Half the first dates I went on one or both of us decided not to have a second date. Which is honestly expected… Even after filtering through the profiles and messaging in app you still only know the basics for most people.

For you specifically: many matches took issue with the recent timing of my divorce. If you’re separated (not divorced) expect that to be a deal breaker for many.

Great question. Tried the paid thing (38f). Lots of decent (superficially) matches, none of whom shared my values or interest. It was a huge waste of money across apps.

I went on quite a few dates on Bumble & Tinder, which have pay options, but you don't HAVE to pay.

Facebook dating seemed a little higher quality (somehow).

Please create a good profile that has: Some of your own words, at LEAST three RECENT pics, and NO fish pics. It didn't work for me, but good luck!

Im a 40m divorcee and I am absolutely out of my depth thinking about dating.

I have looked at the apps and sites and they never go anywhere for me. No matches or conversations that go no where.

I sort of think that meeting someone will happen when it happens, but I really miss that excitement of learning all about someone and talking all night.

Im also interested in meeting someone outside of my country, because Id love to experience something new, but that makes me look like a scammer.

Dating sites are there to make money off of desperation. Matches are intentionally superficial or completely off base. They won't give away a product that you are willing to pay for. Because then they lost two customers.

Heck, are there dating sites that work at all anymore? Over a decade ago I had some success with OkCupid but my impression is that ever since swipe apps became a thing, online dating went from bad to terrible for everyone except gay men looking for hookups. Now I might have to go low-tech and ask my grandma to introduce me to her friends' single granddaughters...

As someone who used them for over a decade before giving up, I can assure you that dating websites are a complete and utter waste of time. You can't even get a conversation started, let alone a date.

I highly recommend you do it the natural way: if you see someone you like, ask them out. You are a woman so this is extremely easy for you. Most men can't even say "hi" to a woman in public, because there are so many shitty men out there harassing women that the good guys don't even get a chance. So we're often afraid to say anything because we don't want women to assume that we're one of them.You don't have this problem, so ask away. You'd be surprised by how easily guys will say "yes".

With the very big caveat that I’m 15 years out of date, you might see if OKCupid or Plenty O Fish are still around.

I would check for you but I’d rather not cause my wife to worry. I met her on OKCupid. If I remember correctly, searching was free but messages always were a paid service regardless of platform.

Meetup.com

I know, I know, but really, it’s better than any actual dating app.

The model necessitates that they restrict your access in crummy ways or they wouldn't be solvant. I met my partner on Hinge but I was paying to be able to reach people. Glad to be done with those apps.

Honestly, apps (web included) in 2025 are just profit farming. It will be hard to get anything substantial from the experience.

Best suggestion is avoid OLD and just meet people in person. Get a hobby and attend things and eventually you will find like minded people.

Things like rock climbing, board games, cycling, etc. Hobbies that have places you go to and do a thing.

Sorry I don’t have any better suggestions 🤷‍♂️

I hate to be a downer, but...

Building,, running and maintaining a website isn't free. Building, running and maintaining a popular website is fucking expensive. Somebody's got to pay those bills.

As the saying goes, if it's free, you're not the customer, you're the product. Corollary, if it's not free, you still might be the product.

Furthermore, these days I would assume that 99.9% of profiles on a "free" dating site are scammers, or bots, or scammer bots, many of which are probably run by the people running the website.

And to double down on the downerism, subscription based dating sites/apps are financially motivated to keep you paying for as long as possible. They are not motivated to help you find a match, cancel your subscription, and live happily ever after.

In an attempt to not be a total downer jerk, my suggestion would be to find local meetup groups that interest you (even if just barely) and start going to those consistently.

That's how I met my spouse almost 14 years ago. We were both on the dating apps but not finding each other. Eventually we met through a meetup group that I ran, and after months of casually chatting occasionally at group meetings, sparks spontaneously started flying. 🤷