lilypad

::: spoiler spoiler

Im proud of you for reaching out! And im glad it wasnt insulting/pretentious ^^

spoiler

Its really hard to reach out, especially when you feel responsible for hurting someone by pulling away, or really any feelings stemming from "i am bad/did bad thing" though processes.

I think you should reach out to her! She maybe was worried about you. But be prepared to selfcrit and eat crow yk? Being up front honest and vulnerable with people is so hard. I find success in vocalizing my shit feelings like "hey, im pretty anxious right now so im going to hang back for a minute" or "hey this venue is really overwhelming for me, so im gonna step outside where its less so".

spoiler hopefully this isnt insulting or pretentious, but if you want some help writing that letter...

Heya name,

I know we havent spoken in a long time, and I wanted to reach out and apologize for pulling away like I did. I was in a really bad space and wasnt treating myself or others with the respect and care i should have. I really enjoyed our friendship, and if youd like to get together and grab a cup of coffee i would love to catch up. I hope youre doing well, and that life is treating you with care.

Love and hugs, (or sincerely, or whatever sign off youd prefer)
LocalOaf

If you want to, you could maybe include a short bit about wanting to own your shit, be a good friend, and show up in your social relationships in a way that you didnt back when you were pulling away and self-isolating.

::: spoiler spoiler

Firstly, hugs

Im sorry, that sounds really rough.

easily overstimulated and agoraphobic and get sensory overload just grocery shopping sometimes

I know this way too well. I cant go shopping without a friend with me, and even then its gotta be 10 items or less

Fwiw, if your friends were worth their salt as friends, they would be happy to hear from you, saying hi and apologizing for ghosting and reaching out to maybe spend some time together.

hey so I know I look like (gestures at grotesque self) this, but I'm actually kind of a chick and a weird enby person

Honestly (warning opinion incoming), dont take the apologetic approach with this stuff imo. Its better to assert yourself (as hard as that can be).

Idk sorry, I feel really stuck and like I've really screwed myself for having an irl social life

Theres no need to apologize theres always today to reach out to people, and its never to late; take all the time you need, but youre not screwed out of anything. Yeah its hard (oh god is it hard) but its worth it to have irl support and friendship.

I hope my rambling was alright, im a bit out of it rn.

Maybe finding some shows in your area could be nice? Go with some friends or on your own?

Glad you had a good time! Its just a lot nicer and I can relax more when its all trans folks ^^

Just got back from a show, it was the first show ive been to in years. It was so fun!!! Like 90% trans people, it was perfect ^^ felt actually comfy there, surrounded by beautiful trans people and listening to power violence ^^

Good morning!

Blocking is where you get a knit item wet and then pin it in the shape you want. The water makes the masks (stitches? Idk the english term) more malleable, and then when they dry they will hold the shape they were pinned in (mostly).

You can re-block them if needed!

::: spoiler spoiler

You've actually made good progress on your own, you should feel proud and should identify this strength of yours for self-awareness.

I know what you mean, and i agree, but theres also that part of me saying, with a sardonic depressed tone, "i made good progress when I was 16. The more-than-a-decade since then has been me trying and failing to do anything about it (or anything at all really)"

And i do try to feel pride in the ways Im strong, but i often end up feeling terribly conceited for it yk?

Im really good at analyzing myself, at self-insight, at understanding the various internal processes occuring. But i cant make changes happen. Even when I know what to do, why it will work, and want to do it, i struggle to shift how I approach things, how I engage with things.

And like, ive done therapy, but not in a while and not cbt. Maybe something to look at, if i can ever figure out of health insurance and get some kind of job so I can afford it lol.

::: spoiler ignore me, im being weird or some shit.

You are worthy of love just FYI.

I know, and I am, its just hard to keep that internalized and axiomatic in the face of gestures vaguely at existence.

Part of the issue is that the unwantableness isnt the thought, its part of what the thought is predicated on. I rarely actively think im unworthy of something, its just reflected in my thoughts, if that makes sense. Like here my feeling was one of anxiety, of uncertainty; there was no thought. It wasnt until later that it clicked that this feeling was coming out of my struggling to be genuine with people, which itself comes out of my shapeshiftery masking to make people not hate me, and that comes out of my feeling of being unwantable. Its so far removed from my active thoughts that I dont know how to get to it, how to interrupt that process; i feel like I have to pull so many layers off to get to that axiom and question it and destroy it. And even then, it didnt arise out of nothing. It arose from social punishments meted out against me when I was a kid, from people leaving like they always do, from people being my friend out of pity, etc.

Idk, im mostly rambling at this point...