The Onion

WASHINGTON—In a historic ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court declared Tuesday that Americans have the right to roofies. “A sexual predator’s right to Rohypnol is an issue of personal liberty that must not be infringed upon,” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh, who grew visibly emotional during oral arguments, asserting through tears that if the date-rape drug had been legal during his time as a college student, it would have “changed [his] life.” “Under the 14th Amendment, the DEA’s prohibition of Rohypnol is unconstitutional. Creeps and perverts are entitled to the same rights as those who have never sexually assaulted or attempted to sexually assault anyone. The Founding Fathers would have absolutely taken a dose of flunitrazepam to the tavern with them.” At press time, telehealth company Hims had already released a new ad campaign targeting men who want roofies but are too embarrassed to speak to their doctor about it.

GLENCOE, IL—Noting that she must be some kind of genius to get such amazing results, students told reporters Friday that their pregnant sex ed teacher must really know her stuff. “I’m not saying our other sex ed teachers weren’t good, but Mrs. Collins is clearly in a league of her own to be six months pregnant,” said 14-year-old student Luke Watkins, adding that his teacher must understand a thing or two about the human reproductive system, romantic relationships, and having unprotected sexual intercourse if she was able to conceive a child. “It’s one thing to talk about getting ejaculated into while you’re ovulating and allowing the sperm to fertilize a viable egg, but it’s quite another to actually do it. She must really know her way around her own vagina. I can only hope to be as cool as her some day.” Watkins added that this was even more impressive than the time when Mrs. Collins showed up to work and revealed to everyone in their sex ed class that she had contracted chlamydia.

BETHANY BEACH, DE—As movers unloaded a truck in front of the house next door, local dad Stan Morby, 43, expressed hoped Wednesday that his new neighbor liked verbal altercations. “Man, I really hope whoever bought that place enjoys getting into shouting matches in the front yard,” said Morby, noting how difficult it had been to convince the previous owner of the home to scream at the top of his lungs about property lines, not mowing the lawn, keeping an RV parked in the driveway, whether to remove a damaged tree, who should pay to repair the fence, and the incessant, inescapable sound of “those fucking wind chimes.” “It’s been a long time since there’s been anyone around here who exchanges routine threats of violence from across the fence or who answers when I bang on their door at 3 a.m. to complain about a barking dog. Maybe I’ll do the neighborly thing and just go right over there and give that son of a bitch a piece of my mind.” At press time, Morby was reportedly even more excited after discovering his new neighbor preferred physical altercations.

WASHINGTON—Responding to fallout from the Israeli military’s killing of seven World Central Kitchen aid workers in Gaza, President Biden made an address Thursday asserting that Israel had an obligation not to harm his reelection chances.

“Let me be clear: Israel is bound by international law not to engage in any activities that undermine my ability to win a second term,” said Biden, emphasizing that if Israel did not reverse course and end civilian casualties soon, then progressive and Arab American voters were at extreme risk of sitting out November’s general election. “

Prime Minister Netanyahu and I have spoken on several occasions about the importance of keeping me in power, and he has assured me he will do everything he can to mitigate any domestic political fallout in the United States. Still, the damage this war has done to my polling cannot be ignored.” At press time, Biden quietly signed off on sending another 2,000 bombs to Israel to ensure he was reelected.

MIERES, SPAIN—Claiming they had received credible reports of the Michelin-starred chef’s connections to Hamas, Israel reportedly ordered a strike on World Central Kitchen founder José Andrés’ boyhood home Thursday. “Today, the Israeli military carried out a strike on the remote Spanish town of Mieres in order to eliminate the home where José Andrés was born and raised,” said U.N. military observer Manuel Ríos, adding that despite the home’s location in a region of Spain more than 2,000 miles from the zone of combat in Gaza, Israel had launched three long-range precision missiles that targeted the exact coordinates of Andrés’ childhood bedroom.

“While Israeli intelligence may have linked Chef Andrés to that location, the truth is that he had not lived at that address since he was 6 years old. And it did not stop there. Within just a few seconds of his childhood home being destroyed, several of Andrés’ restaurants, including minibar by José Andrés in Washington, D.C., and é by José Andrés in Las Vegas were also hit by Israeli missiles.” At press time, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu had addressed the attack, stating that Israel would launch an internal investigation into why Andrés had survived.

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WASHINGTON—Explaining why the United States would not call on Israel to end its continuous airstrikes on Palestinian civilians, the White House warned Wednesday that a ceasefire in Gaza would only serve to benefit humanity. “We know there are voices across the world calling for a ceasefire, but what everyone needs to understand is that the only people who stand to gain from halting the bombing campaign are people who deeply value human life,” President Biden said in an Oval Office address, adding that if Israel was not given time to collectively punish all 2.3 million people who live in Gaza, it would be a great victory for anyone who believes civilians are entitled to basic dignity and security for themselves and their families. “We cannot allow that happen. These humanitarian concerns may be valid, but right now, a pause in hostilities would advance the interests of no one but innocent Palestinians, the many U.S. citizens living in Gaza, and the more than 200 Israelis who were violently abducted by Hamas and are currently being held in unknown locations. That’s not what America stands for.” Biden later extended the argument to explain why the United States spent billions on military aid for Israel while it spent mere millions on humanitarian aid for Gaza.

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