The Onion

Author Tina Caputo…hell, the entire staff of McSweeney's owe me what I spent on dry cleaning and sofa cushion replacement from pissing my pants laughing!

King Charles has spoken out following the release of court documents that confirmed Prince Andrew went to sex-trafficker Jeffery Epstein’s private island, with the King strongly condemning Meghan Markle for not stopping Prince Andrew from visiting the island.

“I understand that the news has today has hurt the reputation of my family for many,” said the King, “and that is why I am extremely disappointed in the actions of my daughter-in-law in not stopping this from ever occurring. When will her attacks on this family end?”

“Poor Prince Andrew, if you could see him now you would be devastated. Ever since he read in the news the documents would be released, he suddenly got over his inability to sweat.”

“We offered to get him an adult masseuse and he just burst into tears screaming ‘I miss Jeff’. The damage that Markle has done to this family, it’s just tragic.”

Following the announcement, royal correspondents at tabloids around the world have gone all in to focus all their coverage on a leak from a source within the palace talking about an incident wherein Meghan Markle allegedly didn’t say ‘bless you’ after someone sneezed.

link: https://chaser.com.au/world/royal-family-condemns-meghan-markles-failure-to-stop-prince-andrew-visiting-epsteins-island/

link: https://www.theonion.com/potholes-in-nice-part-of-town-filled-with-italian-marbl-1851115849

link: https://reductress.com/post/why-i-stopped-exfoliating-my-feet-and-started-hardening-them-into-weapons/

https://www.theonion.com/kneel-young-1851130368

Do you have cold hands and really want everyone to know about it? Have you ever looked at sand and thought, ‘Mmm, I want that in my mouth’? Well, you’re in luck! We’ve compiled a list of 6 science-backed tips to stay anemic in case eating ice and getting dizzy are the most interesting things about you.

read more: https://thehardtimes.net/blog/6-effective-ways-to-remain-anemic-when-its-your-only-personality-trait/

Ever since Team Cherry announced Metroidvania Hollow Knight would receive a sequel, called Hollow Knight: Silksong, gamers have been waiting with bated breath, eagerly devouring any updates regarding the game’s potential release date. Now, six long years have passed since the initial release of Hollow Knight with no such date to speak of.

Believe it or not, readers–we are just as impatient for the release of Hollow Knight: Silksong as you are. So impatient, in fact, that we may have done something a little hasty.

Desperate for any leads concerning when Silksong will finally be released, we took notice of a tattered flyer stapled to an electrical pole outside our office. The flyer advertised a fortune teller who went by the name of Madame Nocturna. Normally we’d ignore such an inconspicuous ad, but it was a slow news day so we figured: What the hell?

The flyer led us to a ramshackle house on the outskirts of town. When we knocked on the door, a wrinkly old woman in ragged clothing answered the door–when asked if she was Madame Nocturna, she simply nodded and gestured us in.

As we were seated in the cramped home and offered foul-looking tea in unwashed mugs, we began to pester Madame Nocturna with questions about Hollow Knight: Silksong. Questions such as: When will it be released? How will playing as Hornet change the fundamental gameplay structure? Will there be cross-platform multiplayer? Madame Nocturna waved off our questions, saying she didn’t know what a Hollow Knight is or what a cross-platform means, but would gladly tell us the future. Knowing that the future is where Silksong is, we gladly handed over our slim journalist’s wages.

Now this is where it gets trippy–we really just expected Madame Nocturna to do some phony chant and tell us some random date to make us happy and keep our dollars. We didn’t expect her eyes to roll back into her head, the room to chill and darken, or the whole house to shake. We certainly didn’t expect her to point to each of us and inform us in a voice that was not her own the exact day of our deaths.

All of this, while totally wicked and cool, did nothing to give us a clue as to when we can expect Silksong to be released. Not even when we asked Madame Nocturna who among us would still be around to play it when it finally came out. She simply escorted us out of her home, and when we turned back to ask for a refund, the decrepit home and Madame Nocturna were gone.

And so, dear readers, we regretfully inform you that we have no update regarding the release date of Hollow Knight: Silksong. Just know that we share in your frustration, and the hope that Silksong is released sooner rather than later–at least sooner than August 7th, 2033. For my sake.

link: https://hard-drive.net/hd/video-games/we-visited-a-fortune-teller-to-find-out-the-release-date-of-hollow-knight-silksong-but-all-we-learned-was-the-date-of-our-deaths/