The Onion

WASHINGTON—Explaining why the United States would not call on Israel to end its continuous airstrikes on Palestinian civilians, the White House warned Wednesday that a ceasefire in Gaza would only serve to benefit humanity. “We know there are voices across the world calling for a ceasefire, but what everyone needs to understand is that the only people who stand to gain from halting the bombing campaign are people who deeply value human life,” President Biden said in an Oval Office address, adding that if Israel was not given time to collectively punish all 2.3 million people who live in Gaza, it would be a great victory for anyone who believes civilians are entitled to basic dignity and security for themselves and their families. “We cannot allow that happen. These humanitarian concerns may be valid, but right now, a pause in hostilities would advance the interests of no one but innocent Palestinians, the many U.S. citizens living in Gaza, and the more than 200 Israelis who were violently abducted by Hamas and are currently being held in unknown locations. That’s not what America stands for.” Biden later extended the argument to explain why the United States spent billions on military aid for Israel while it spent mere millions on humanitarian aid for Gaza.

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WASHINGTON—In the most significant move to help working families in decades, a group of U.S. senators introduced a new childcare bill this week that would allocate a single microwave for the nation’s kids to cook their own dinner with. “This landmark bill promises to provide latchkey kids with the essential microwave they need to heat up whatever they are able to scrounge from the refrigerator,” said the bill’s co-sponsor Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY), noting that the $25 second-hand microwave from Facebook Marketplace would allow as many as a few children to have hot food to eat while their parents were at work. “Without this essential microwave, these children would be forced to eat their chicken nuggets cold while sitting alone in their darkened home waiting for their parents to finish yet another double shift. Despite this, Republicans want to block the bill, claiming kids should just warm their food over a trash can fire so taxpayers don’t have to foot the bill.” At press time, the bill had been signed into law, but the microwave had reportedly not been used due to the children not having any food to heat up in the appliance.

“No sense in letting my 40 identical gingham blouses go to waste.”

Local self-declared handyman James Davidson has been offered a job as a Boeing engineer after his amazing work attempting to put a flat-pack cupboard together and just assuming that the many left over parts are just the extra pieces they add sometimes.