The Onion

UVALDE, TX—Nearly two years after the tragic mass shooting left 19 children and two teachers dead, a Justice Department report released Thursday found Uvalde police waited nearly 77 minutes to enter Robb Elementary School as they debated the many reasons gunshots could be going off in a classroom. “Our findings suggest Uvalde police officers spent one hour and 17 minutes in the parking lot brainstorming all the possibilities for why semi-automatic gunfire was issuing from within the school,” the report read in part, describing how the police huddled together, discussed why there was probably a perfectly reasonable explanation for gunfire emanating from an elementary school, and spent well over an hour listing off dozens of sources that could produce a similar sound, including a “hoodlum throwing firecrackers,” heavy books dropping on the floor, someone playing a video game “like Call Of Duty” on their laptop, or even a music teacher playing early ’90s gangsta rap. “At one point, the Uvalde school police chief [Pete Arredondo] appears to have prevented a few concerned officers from approaching the school, insisting they ‘hadn’t gotten to the bottom of this stuff yet’ and urging them to look up ‘mysterious gunshot-like noises’ on Google. That’s when they came up with the idea that the shots might have simply been someone beatboxing, which they got really excited about for 20 minutes.” The report also confirmed that police officers spent an additional half hour discussing how the screaming was probably nothing to be worried about because children that age tend to scream about everything.

DES MOINES, IA—After she was awakened by a number of strange sounds emanating from the house, local parents Peter and Margaret Lohan reportedly assured their frightened 7-year-old on Tuesday that the creaking noises from her bedroom walls were probably just signs the house was getting hungry. “Don’t worry, honey—those are perfectly normal sounds that houses make when they haven’t eaten in a while and have a deep, powerful craving, usually for human flesh,” said Peter Lohan, who as the gurgling and groaning noises grew louder told his daughter Emily to try to ignore the sounds of the heating vents screaming “Feed me, feed me” and go back to bed. “Older houses like this need to be appeased with a blood sacrifice every couple days or the whole structure starts to get cranky. But don’t worry, I keep a bunch of skinned raccoons in the cellar for exactly this reason. Once it feasts, it’ll calm right down. This just comes with the territory when you live in a house where many generations have lived and died, leaving their tortured spirits behind to haunt the rooms for all eternity.” At press time, sources confirmed a face had emerged from the bedroom wall to thank the Lohans for the scrumptious meal.

read more: https://www.theonion.com/creaking-noise-from-walls-probably-just-house-getting-h-1851164151

link: https://www.theonion.com/man-keeps-squirt-of-ky-jelly-in-his-wallet-in-case-he-g-1851163900

read more: https://www.theonion.com/no-scan-do-1851166788

link: https://reductress.com/post/jealous-this-snow-is-getting-plowed/

TORONTO – Reacting to news of Toronto Mayor Olivia Chow’s plan to hike property taxes by more than 10%, the 9 or so people that collectively own all Toronto real estate expressed outrage, saying that Chow is making the city unaffordable.

“This city is expensive enough,” said the landlord who owns everything south of Front Street. “For the mayor to then turn around and raise property taxes knowing that I’m obviously going to immediately pass on that cost to my tenants is truly unconscionable.”

“Sure I can only raise the rent so much every year, but if tenants don’t play ball let’s just say I’ve got a cousin moving from overseas who’s going to need their place,” he added.

Members of the small handful of people that own most of Toronto’s houses, townhouses and condos expressed concern that the tax hikes would have a disruptive effect on their cash flow.

“For the odd person here and there who owns a property not owned by me, this is going to cost them another $300-$600 a year, or about $25-$50 a month,” explained a property manager for the consortium who own the west end. “For someone in our situation, this is going to cost us millions of dollars. How am I going to explain to my bosses that we’re going to make slightly less money this year?”

Others were more pointed in their criticism, calling the abrupt property tax hikes “reckless”, and poorly thought out.

“People are struggling to put food on the table, pay their car bills or, in my case, attain the exponential growth that investors have come to expect from REITs no matter what, and this property tax hike isn’t going to help any of us with our equally relatable problems,” said a private investment fund manager who controls Scarborough and most of Leaside.

“It’s almost like they don’t want massive private investment from outside Canada controlling the market of the country’s largest city?” he added.

At press time, Toronto area home improvement stores have already reported a marked uptick in the sale of cheap paint brushes, ladders, plastic tarps, wall mounted shelving, and other mainstays of performatively large renovations that result in the property looking the exact same.

link: https://www.thebeaverton.com/2024/01/the-9-people-that-own-all-of-torontos-real-estate-extremely-upset-about-property-tax-hike/

TAPETHOK, NEPAL—Beaming with delight as he was carried down the south face of the Kangchenjunga mountain in a torrent of snow, ice, and rocks, alpinist Herman Stelling reportedly noted Thursday that the first few seconds of being swept up in a cataclysmic avalanche was actually pretty fun. “Weeeeeeeee! Yay!” said the visibly overjoyed Stelling, stressing that he felt like a kid again as he was pulled downhill in the 200-mph rush of hardened, detached snowpack. “What a rush! Alright, it is actually starting to hurt, so I’m not loving this part. And I think one of my fingers was just torn off with all that ice. Shit, yeah, I definitely just lost my whole arm. Plus, I’m trapped under a few thousand pounds of snow now and it feels like my ribcage is going to cave in. Admittedly, this kind of sucks. For a second there, though, when I was doing flips and stuff down the slope and right before my mouth and throat were completely packed with snow and I started to suffocate—that kicked ass.” At press time, Stelling noted that he was actually having an awesome time again after hypothermia caused him to begin hallucinating.

link: https://www.theonion.com/first-seconds-of-being-swept-up-by-avalanche-pretty-fun-1851159885

In what has been described as a “faith-shaking” turn of events, Seattle resident Ryan Farrington has recently come to the realization that she’s in the awkward 47-year period of life where she’s still too young to write a memoir, and yet too old to play Webkinz.

The 27-year-old says she’s absolutely stumped about how to spend her current time.

“No one ever tells you about the period of torment you’ll experience from ages 12 to 59 where it’s no longer acceptable to log onto your five Webkinz accounts and spin the Wheel of Wow, but you haven’t yet lived enough life to warrant writing your memoir. What am I supposed to do?”

When reporters suggested she consider actually living the life she’s so keen on writing a memoir about, Ryan was visibly confused.

“My memoir will naturally flow out of me when I hit age 59,” she said. “I don’t need to ‘live my life’ in order for that to happen. Besides, the only life I care about living is the life of my Webkinz frog, Butter Knife. He has a way nicer house than me.”

However, in spite of her initial hesitation to get out there and experience everything that life has to offer, Ryan has started making an effort to pass the time until she can finally write her memoir.

“I’ve been keeping busy,” said Ryan, who was obviously putting on a brave face for reporters. “Eating, sleeping, showering, breathing, things like that.”

When reporters told Ryan that those things were just basic life tasks, and didn’t really count as “living” her life, this sent her into a full-blown panic.

“I’m not even 30 yet!” she said. “How am I going to get through another two decades of this?”

Fortunately, sources close to Ryan had some words of advice.

“The transition from playing Webkinz to not playing Webkinz can be brutal,” Ryan’s 35-year-old sister, Beth, told reporters. “It took me until I was 30 to find a suitable replacement: starting to actually care about my career and begin climbing the corporate ladder. That, and getting unhealthily invested in my friends’ love lives.”

As of press time, Ryan had seriously considered taking her sister’s advice. Fortunately, she was involved in a once-in-a-lifetime accident where she skied into a tree while trying to recreate the Polar Plunge Webkinz arcade game, died, saw God, then ultimately came back to life – which all warranted an earlier start to writing her memoir.

“I’ll give you a sneak preview,” she told reporters, from the hospital room where she was still recovering. “Chapter One: Me and Butter Knife Go to the Curio Shop.”

link: https://reductress.com/post/woman-in-awkward-47-year-period-where-shes-too-young-to-write-memoir-and-too-old-to-play-webkinz/

STONINGTON, Conn. — Local man Eddie Walker was rushed to a hospital in critical condition after accidentally laying his head on a pillow with a decorative button, horrified sources confirmed.

“The last thing I remember was throwing my body onto the couch after a long day. I could never have imagined there would be something so hazardous waiting for me,” said Walker as he rubbed his head. “When I came to, they told me I suffered both a concussion and severe lacerations. I guess I suffered amnesia, too, because I couldn’t remember a thing for days. But they were able to treat that with an experimental procedure that involved hitting me in the head a second time with the same decorative button.”

Aubrey Skinner, Walker’s longtime partner, just thought the button would be cute.

“I just kept looking at our boring old couch pillows and thought they needed a little something new. That’s when I found the TikTok button tutorial video,” said Skinner. “The lady never warned that something like this could happen though! All I did was stitch a few large metal buttons in the middle of Eddie’s favorite pillow. I thought he’d notice how adorable it was, and maybe post a story on Instagram. I could have never imagined he’d violently smash his head into it without even admiring my craft first.”

Emery Ingram is an ER doctor who sees this on a shockingly regular basis.

“Most of my day is spent on these TikTok decorating trends and DIY projects gone wrong. Yesterday, I saved a man’s life after he nearly decapitated himself on a newly installed floating shelf. Then I treated a woman who almost lost a hand that was crushed under the weight of a poorly applied backsplash,” said Ingram. “Oh, and the worst was someone last week who was trapped in their home for days after building themselves into a custom closet system. They managed to survive by extracting nutrients from a dirty sock until a neighbor finally heard the screams.” At press time, Skinner was seen silencing a smoke alarm as she waited for a “toaster grilled cheese” to finish cooking, a welcome home meal for Walker.

link: https://thehardtimes.net/culture/man-rushed-to-hospital-after-accidentally-laying-on-pillow-with-decorative-button/

CHICAGO—With a demolition crew arriving outside the building just as the final Sputnik chandelier was installed, a new luxury condominium building was reportedly demolished minutes after its completion Wednesday in order to build even fancier condos. “Though we are sorry to say goodbye to this high-rise after its storied six-minute history, we are confident the new high-rise will better meet the needs of this rapidly gentrifying neighborhood,” said developer Jonathan Delano, confirming the newly constructed One Walton Place would be replaced by a future building known simply as The Bell, which he estimated would take approximately 10 years to complete. “Residents will enjoy world-class amenities such as a concierge upgraded to a doorman, a dog run upgraded to a communal dog terrace, and a lap pool upgraded to a rooftop Olympic-sized swimming pool. There will be no changes to the previous blueprints for an entertainment catering theater, whatever the hell we mean by that.” At press time, Delano added that one-bedroom, no-bathroom floor plans started at just $1 million.

link: https://www.theonion.com/luxury-condos-demolished-minutes-after-completion-to-bu-1851143295