The Onion

link: https://reductress.com/post/interesting-box-tops-for-education-apparently-not-valid-toward-student-loans/

CARMEL, IN—Addressing a group of reporters dressed mostly in long-sleeved shirts, suit jackets, and full-length pants, the nation’s big guys in shorts held a press conference Tuesday to announce that while the autumn weather may seem brisk to others, they tend to run hot. “We run pretty hot, so this doesn’t feel cold to us,” said big guy in shorts Justin Bell, who spoke on behalf of men across the country who were currently wearing cargo shorts, light sweatshirts, and open-toed footwear when they went outside, even as temperatures dipped down into the 40s. “This is shorts weather, as far as we’re concerned, probably because our internal thermostats are set a bit higher than yours. So if you see us walking down the sidewalk, no need to tell us we’re going to catch a cold. We’re actually quite comfortable wearing this. In fact, if it’s not too much trouble, do you mind turning down the heat? We’re starting to sweat a little.” At press time, the nation’s big guys in shorts concluded the press conference by announcing they were “sweating balls up here.”

link: https://www.theonion.com/nation-s-big-guys-in-shorts-announce-they-run-hot-1850942623

Dying Gazans Criticized For Not Using Last Words To Condemn Hamas on midwest.soical

SAN FRANCISCO — Claiming he had accidentally swapped his schedule for the day, Twitter CEO and Neuralink founder Elon Musk shocked fans and shareholders by killing a female employee and impregnating a monke

WASHINGTON—Upon returning from his brief diplomatic trip to the Middle East, President Joe Biden urged the nation Thursday not to let dangerous online rhetoric humanize Palestinians.

GAZA CITY, GAZA—Following conflicting accounts of a horrific attack on a Gaza hospital, officials from the Israeli Defense Forces released a new statement Wednesday that claimed it was you, the reader of this very article, who committed the act of terror.

This kid is going places.

ITHACA, NY—In an effort to improve student safety on campus, Cornell University reportedly completed the installation of 36 red-light emergency phones Thursday for conservative students to use if they feel they have been assaulted by progressive beliefs. “We are committed to protecting any right-leaning student who merely wants to get to their dorm or class without being threatened by trans rights or radical feminists,” Cornell president Martha E. Pollack said at a dedication ceremony, explaining that in order to receive help, conservative students merely need to press the button under one of the conveniently located phones and explain that they felt attacked after hearing arguments in support of an expanded welfare state or making abortion easily accessible. “Say you’re at a party when suddenly you’re cornered and expected to render a positive opinion about the recent Barbie movie. Or maybe it’s late at night, and you hear a pack of strangers approaching you from behind while discussing Michel Foucault. Perhaps you’re just in the library and realize that Karl Marx himself is on your reading list. Now all you have to do is get out of there immediately and retreat to one of our red light phones. We can have a counselor to you in under five minutes with a copy of Atlas Shrugged and a phone preloaded with Matt Walsh podcasts.” At press time, the university had come under fire after suggesting right-wing students could also avoid provoking unsafe situations by refraining from walking around late at night while wearing a bow tie.

link: https://www.theonion.com/university-installs-red-light-phones-for-conservative-s-1850907474

PORTER, IN—In a surprising pivot that sent shock waves through the environmental movement, climate justice activist Greta Thunberg told reporters Monday that she was embracing big oil after visiting a really nice highway truck stop in Indiana. “If I had known you could buy a phone case, new sunglasses, an energy drink, and a roller-grilled hot dog all in one stop, I never would have supported a worldwide divestment in fossil fuels,” the longtime renewable energy advocate said during her visit to the TA Travel Center at exit 22B off I-94, where she reportedly admired a huge display of pocket knives, purchased several different varieties of beef jerky, and announced she was now fully on board with subsidizing oil companies. “Without diesel trucks and gas-powered cars, this vibrant culture might face extinction. An entire way of life full of sarcastic bumper stickers, Otis Spunkmeyer muffins, DVDs of Jean-Claude Van Damme movies, and Bible-themed crossword books could be wiped out forever.” Thunberg later announced a new campaign to promote offshore oil drilling during which she would tour America’s truck stops in a charter bus that gets six miles per gallon of fuel.

link: https://www.theonion.com/greta-thunberg-embraces-big-oil-after-visiting-really-n-1850906295