The Onion

CLEVELAND—Debuting what the company described as a completely-new way to enjoy the brand’s signature boxed dinners, packaged food product mainstay Hamburger Helper unveiled a line of erotic casseroles Thursday that is intended to be eaten off naked bodies. “No date night would be complete without Hamburger Helper’s new sensual, savory blend of powdered cheese and spices, specially formulated to be licked clean from your partner’s chest, thighs, or…anywhere your desires may take you,” read a press release from parent company Eagle Foods, which went on to state that in only 30 minutes, consumers would be lying down for an intimate meal of elbow macaroni, ground beef, and rehydrated onions ladled over their lover “from head to toe.” “While Hamburger Helper remains America’s favorite no-fuss, one-pan dinner for the whole family, the all-new Hamburger Helper Pure Ecstasy is meant to be enjoyed by consenting adults 18 or older. These steamy, sizzling-hot casserole blends come in classic flavors like Deluxe Beef Stroganoff, Cheesy Italian Shells, and Cheesy Ranch Burger, but with seductive new pasta shapes chosen with the sexy curves of the human form in mind. Plus, no dishes to clean afterward—only sheets.” The press release confirmed the erotic casserole’s box would include step-by-step instructions on how to blindfold one’s partner and titillatingly dribble hot grease on their chest.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address voters hurt by recent actions that resulted in her being thrown out of a theatrical performance, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) announced Friday that she would personally jerk off any constituents she offended. “In the past week, I’ve heard from many supporters who were concerned by my behavior in recently released footage, which is why I’m offering to make things good between us by jacking you off,” said Boebert, instructing supporters to contact her office with proof of Colorado residency and she would personally travel to their home to deliver an on-the-house tugjob. “As a disclaimer, I will be wearing a latex glove and you need to wipe yourself off afterwards. I’m not going to do that. I’m serious about making amends, however, so feel free to rest your hand on my breasts, if necessary. Just know that this a one week only deal. So get in touch soon.” At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.

Once again, another oldie

WASHINGTON—Following hours of meetings with lawmakers to try to shore up U.S. support for his country, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky reportedly grabbed whatever office supplies he could get his hands on in the Capitol Thursday, saying he needed them for war. “We really need a bunch of these staplers for the war effort,” said the Ukrainian leader, snatching up dozens of black Swingline staplers and adding them to a growing armful of paper clips, tape dispensers, and rubber bands that he had already swiped from Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer’s desk as they wrapped up a private conversation earlier this afternoon. “We’re nearing the two-year mark in this war with no major breakthroughs and a vast deficit in printer paper that is quickly being depleted by all the, uh, war plans and stuff. That’s why we need your continued financial support, as well as any of these binder clips you have lying around, to clamp onto Russian forces. Look, our brave men are on the front lines as we speak, fighting for their lives and their country without stacks of manila folders they can stand on to get a better view of the enemy. But with your help, and this half-empty bottle of nondairy powdered creamer, we may stand a chance after all.” At press time, Zelensky admitted he stole the extra toilet paper rolls from the bathroom because it would be super annoying to stop at the store on his way home.

Another oldie

SUGAR LAND, TX—Confused by the man outside who was not wearing a UPS uniform or carrying a package of any kind, local suburbanites expressed bafflement Thursday when they looked out their front windows and saw a person walk by who wasn’t delivering anything. “Huh, our Amazon orders already came today, so what’s this guy doing?” said resident Felicity Truesdale, admitting she was at a loss to explain the presence of an individual outdoors who was dressed in casual clothing and, instead of holding a DoorDash or Grubhub bag, was completely empty-handed. “I don’t understand why he doesn’t go inside. He’s heading down the sidewalk at an ordinary pace—where could he possibly be going? I should probably call the police just to let them know. I assume that’s against the law.” At press time, Truesdale had reportedly decided to play it safe by evoking her state’s “stand your ground” law and shooting the man dead where he stood.

PLAINS, GA—Saying they had no way of knowing where these crazy lives of theirs would take them, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly made a pact Thursday with Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) in which the pair agreed that if they were both single in 50 years, they would marry each other. “Look, I know we’ve had our ups and downs, Dianne, but all I’m saying is, if neither of us is married a half century from now, maybe we just throw caution to the wind and get hitched,” said the 98-year-old Carter, who stressed that he knew now was not the right time for either of them, but that they might really be something special together once he and Feinstein, 90, had each spent a few decades on their own—maturing, sexually exploring, and seeing what all the world had to offer. “Come 2073, if we don’t find anyone else, let’s just do it up big together, y’know? Maybe we go to Vegas. You in a white dress, me in a tux, all our family and friends there. Funny to think that most of my aunts and uncles with be in their 170s or 180s by then.” Carter later rushed to add that nothing about the pact prohibited him and Feinstein from occasionally hooking up with each other over the next five decades.