Inspired by this dorky exchange I had, thank u BountifulEggnog.
I want to know what your gender means to you, how you define it, what it means for you to "be" that gender and how you define it. Don't fuss about 'correct definitions' or anything, this is about your experience, I want to know what it means to you. How you relate to that gender, perceive it.
Genders have a social construction aspect and is very subjective, so I think people's subjective, personal views of their own are both important and interesting. Inquiring mind wants to know!
I'll share some of mine I guess.
I was a trans woman until the contradictions sharpened to a razor's edge after reading Gender Outlaw and The Gender Accelerationist Manifesto. My brain got cracked in half. I have always hated the effects testosterone would have on my body, so estrogen was a given, but while I do identify with certain things that are commonly associated with being a woman... if nothing is inherently gendered, what even is a gender? I had a whole little episode about it in the megathread once.
As I went on from there, I realised that while I like certain things about "being a woman", equally I found I'd been sort of stifled by trying to fit into the social role. The women I have always related to most are the cis autistic women who basically yeet presentation in favour of dressing for sensory comfort. Almost kinda non binary, in a way... The more I interrogated binary gender in relation to myself, the more I dug up stuff like this. Also I didn't really like that "woman" is associated with cis people a lot, I really like the trans part of my identity, feel a lot of love for it. I've felt freer and mentally clearer and truer to myself as a Non Binary Transfem, it's cool and funny. What does it mean to me? It represents my goofy sometimes-androgynous presentation, my lack of cissie gender, how being neurodiverse influences my view, being a funny noody goblin. Share yours =)
This sounds like your social experiences growing up were both formative and kind of awesome, cis kid exclusion aside. Almost makes me wish I was a theatre kid, I love to see it. Also grats on the pronoun related discovery, very cool.
If there were other gender queer misfits around me as a young child, I was totally clueless to it. I wasn't totally blind to gender though - I remember distinctively thinking some of my friends who were girls seemed to treat me more like I was one of them, but also felt included with the boys otherwise from them around 1st/2nd grade. 3rd grade, otoh, I felt a lot more like I was expected to be friends specifically with boys I think... and that's also when I became a lot less social (granted, there's a couple other things that also could explain that).
Being confused on the meaning of the happiness when people refer to you in new ways is always interesting. "Do I like this just because they aren't putting me into the box(es) everyone else has been putting me into or is there something about this that feels particularly 'right'?"
I can very much relate to this. AMAB and my closest friend from about kindergarten to second grade was the girl who lived in the house behind me. Somewhere around 3rd grade, I guess both my and her parents mutually decided we could no longer hang out as friends and we never did after that. I really only had one close male friend throughout the rest of my childhood and youth after that. There was always a feeling I had innately that I did not fit in with other boys and often found it easier to connect with girls.
I remember even when I was high school age, the summer between my Junior & Senior year, I went to a journalism camp at a university. There were a handful of guys at the camp, but it was mostly girls. In the beginning, we all kind of splintered off into groups. All of the other guys went off into a group that I'd say most approximated the "normie" crowd, while I on the other hand-- shy and somewhat reserved-- found myself accepted into a group of girls who were more on the "alternative" side of things. It was me and about 8 girls in that group and I found an acceptance and closeness with them that I had rarely felt with same sex peers in the past. It was refreshingly uplifting. However, as our time in the camp reached an end, they were making plans for after we leave camp, how they were gonna get together and hang out, but then one said to me, "Sorry, we wish we could invite you, but my mom would think it's weird if we had a guy hanging out with us." That one hurt and really made me question where I belonged for sometime after.
Several years after the fact, coming to terms now with my trans identity, I do feel more comfortable when I do get accepted into female spaces and it's a place I find myself feeling more at home. But there is always that nagging feeling of "do I really belong?" based on what I've gone through in the past that makes me cautious and always needing some affirmation if my presence is truly welcome there.
So I find it particularly baffling when TERF's throw out the "trying to invade women's spaces" line when it's not like I've ever really felt totally comfortable or accepted in male spaces in the first place and beyond mixed gender queer spaces, it's really the only place I find a sense of belonging.
Quite the same for me in school. From 3rd-5th grade, it was one friend. In 6th, I didn't really feel like I really had any close friends. And then I made a friend in 7th or 8th grade who was my close friend for the rest of high school (and we're still friends). In college, I generally was more of a loner. I had some people I was friends with, but only spent time with them in context of other activities (club activities or class).
I've tended to end up often associating with the guys in those kinds of spaces, but generally the more alternative kind.
Heteronormative assumption of sexuality/romance between people is annoying. Even my birthmom pushed that idea after I spent the night at a classmate's place studying for the final the night before (I happened to pocket dial and she overheard me talking to a girl at night).
I don't consider myself a woman, so I generally avoid women's spaces. But I do like when I feel like I'm at least not seen as a threat.
That's understandable. I'm definitely still on the fence in the whole, "do I consider myself a woman or not?" aspect. There's parts of dysphoria I don't feel I relate to but other aspects of my life that at the least I identify much more strongly with womanhood than manhood. I mean, I remember frequently imagining as early as about age 6 a machine that could turn boys into girls. This idea was always very exciting to me at a time already when I had pretty much no concept of sexuality and little concept of gender beyond what I knew was "expected" of me, which I intrinsically felt disdain towards.
I guess that in itself is a pretty good indicator that I definitely feel more comfortable with the idea of being seen as a woman. But at the same time don't really have much in terms of body dysphoria. I have more seriously considered taking hormones lately, which I shrugged off for a long time as unnecessary for me personally. But there are certain aspects that do appeal to me like addressing or at least halting MPB which does cause me some amount of dysphoria (though it could be far worse at this stage in my life based on my father's experience), and also being able to more reconnect with a more emotional and sensitive side of myself that I feel I was very attune with growing up but had conditioned and bullied out of me over time. But the other physical aspects aren't as much of a latent desire of mine, though not unwelcome in allowing me to be viewed by others as more outwardly feminine.
All this being said, I do generally avoid women's spaces if I'm not explicitly invited into those spaces for the fear always of making others uncomfortable. But I do feel affirmed when I am invited into those spaces. I have a cis female friend who recently started doing "girl's nights" and has made it a point to invite me every time. She herself is queer and it's overwhelmingly queer space. So that helps in itself, but it also feels nice to be included and not feeling unwelcome in any way.
I've also been regularly attending recovery meetings for a drinking problem & a couple months ago one of the women who attends the meetings asked me if I identified as a woman which even though I said at the time I considered myself non-binary, she still invited me to the young women's meeting they had just started. Which felt affirming as well as I typically find myself "boymoding" moreso at the general meetings, though I'm pretty obviously queer coded to most people as I barely even own an article of "men's" clothing at this point and boymode is just me wearing my less overtly femme women's clothing pieces, but it still felt nice to be recognized by someone as "not male" even when I wasn't presenting overly femme. Going to those meetings has provided me a place where I feel more comfortable with presenting more outwardly femme which is always nice, and though everyone has been very nice to me there, I still have that nagging feeling of "Am I truly welcome?" at times seeing as it's less of queer space. Though one of the regular members brings up her girlfriend pretty often. So, that makes me feel good that there's at least one other queer person in there. Again, I probably wouldn't have attended on my own though had I not been specifically invited as I would have felt I was intruding otherwise.
Fuck, a lot of that rang really true for me too