I find, for me, that I need to see a problem from every angle before I can really be "done" with it. If there's something upsetting me, I need to constantly cycle and cycle until I find an answer, especially if there are contradictions buried in it like you mention (eg. They loved me/but still did hurtful things). With these contradictions, it can be hard to come up with one answer to anything.

I'm in parts therapy. Cool Therapist says that we are all made up of parts and that some of these parts can hold on to emotions. This is a useful conceptualization for me - to externalize these feelings, ask them questions. It helps me logically understand that I can hold multiple conflicting opinions at once. She says that anything about us that is not calm, curious, collected, etc. (she has a whole list of C words) is a part, and that the parts need to be seen, cared for, and accepted as parts of ourselves. Basically it's . These parts get created when we go through tough things, in order to protect us etc.

For instance, a part I have is that I'm very cautious about sending someone too many messages or saying too many nice words, because I have been called "clingy" in the past. I could ignore this part, but it will get stronger. Instead I need to reason with it - "why do you feel this way?" "what would it take for you to let go just a little bit, so we can reach a compromise?" It turns into a useful internal dialogue once you separate the characters, there's probably something dialectical about the whole thing.

I've lost sleep about this too, sometimes the emotions feel so strong I start to get scared at their intensity, even. I find stims of some sort are helpful to calm myself - long showers is a big one for me, that's where I do all my emotional processing.

I see my relationship to self-harm in the framework of stimming, because it's less prone to the cycle that perpetuates itself. Some stims are harmful, and I've tried to replace them. I used to hit myself in the head (very common for autistic people, apparently) - now when I feel the urge, I hug myself firmly and rock a bit instead. I found this gave me the pressure sensation that I needed without the risk. It took quite a bit of conscious effort at first to switch, but I'm glad I did.

The internal monologue used to go -> "i am feeling X" -> "I am stupid for feeling X" -> harmful stims. Now it goes -> "I am feeling X" -> "I am stupid for feeling X" -> "shh, it's okay, it's going to be okay, you're not stupid" -> helpful stims. There's an emotional mediation in there for me. The self-soothing requires both a physical and internal monologue component for me or it doesn't work.

The thing is — society likes to view abuse as something exceptional, to assign it to bad individuals, when the reality is that abuse is a method of enforcing a power system. It's normal, and incredibly common, because it's how our society runs. At the base level, capitalism is basically a structure of continual abuse; and the superstructure reflects that. Parental abuse is the method by which the structures of patriarchy and childism are enforced — viewing children as property, not as full humans. Back during feudalism, children were essentially a family business investment; under capitalism, we are purposefully sequestered into nuclear families.

My parents can exert their power over me because under their roof and under their dollar, I functionally have no power of my own. Especially as living conditions continue to decline and many millenials/gen-z are unable to find stable housing and jobs on their own, many are forced into these kinds of situations where abuse is basically a natural outgrowth of the systems in place. Additionally, the way my parents treat me is a way of enforcing their standards of normativity. I'm too weird, too mentally ill for them. Many disabled/neurodivergent people live in abusive situations because of a combination of these two factors.

I don't know if any of this is helpful. But I do just want to say — it's not your fault, and your experiences are real and valid. It's not right that you should feel on edge around your dad. And self-blame is a huge part of processing abuse, but I believe it gets better with time. I'm sorry, I wish life wasn't so awful.