I was kinda the same except I never related to gender at all. I remember my older sister telling me I wasn't being "manly" when I was like 13 and I thought "well why the fuck would I care about that". It wasn't until I really learned what being agender is that I realized that I don't care about gender.

I had countless moments like that for 20 years before I got it. I think my ex-partner I was with for most of that time being transphobic had me subconsciously suppressing and never examining those moments in detail. When I finally broke free of that relationship and started processing the trauma it all came bursting forth. I'm more than a little pissed at my younger self for staying in such a toxic relationship and delaying becoming my true self but at the same time, I likely wouldn't have moved across the country and met my current partner who is fucking amazing if I hadn't suffered through all that.

I remember years ago after a breakup, I got into lesbian erotica but forced myself to stop reading it after a couple months because I felt guilty, like I was invading some space that wasn't meant for me, even though I was just reading it alone, not even interacting with other people who read or write it

a few years after that, I was told that (most) women are turned off by feminine guys, which I don't think most cis guys have to be told at all? and also cis guys would react to learning that by trying to become more masculine, but instead it just made me really depressed and blackpilled about dating