i'm harvesting a great crop of jelly beans today
it's my birthday this week and you have to post a lot okay? :^)
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I'm so tired of the doubt... Most of the time it comes by way of other people who are trying in earnest to make sure I'm okay, like my supervisor/mentor today. And it wasn't like denying my identity or anything, just concern that I may be putting femininity on a pedestal and straying a little too far towards self-annihilation instead of self-discovery.
When I talk with people like that who are less affirming the doubt increases and I feel worse. I want it to be true, I want to truly want to be a girl, but what that's just because I'd like an easy way to escape what I currently am?
why do they think you are putting femininity on a pedestal? (and why is that bad?)
The convo started talking about the shame I feel while stuck as a guy because of how it differentiates me from women and the fact that as long as I look/am perceived this way some people will always, always see me as a threat in a way I can never allay. Since femininity isn't entangled with that I view it as better.
I don't see it as too much of a problem myself, but I guess the worry is that I'm pursuing femininity as a reaction to masculinity (or how it's perceived) rather than in it's own merit
I mean it’s kind of hard to fully separate two things in a dialectical relationship like that.
乁[ ◕ ᴥ ◕ ]ㄏ I guess. But the concern would be if I just end up replacing that shame post-transition with a feminine counterpart. I don't really know what that would be though, the shame I have now feels so masculine coded I can't even imagine the alternative
I think it’s normal for trans people to have negative associations with the gender they were assigned at birth. It’s good to figure out the root cause of your negative feelings but you also deserve a break sometimes. Right now it seems like you need a break and accept that you’re probably trans. You have time for doubt later. If you want to be a girl then be one.
I understand it’s difficult, but you can always go back to not being a girl if you realise you were wrong (which is unlikely).