Happy Early May Day!
this post was submitted on 29 Apr 2024
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CW: internalized transphobia
How do I stop being embarrassed over being trans?Asking people to call me my preferred name or to use she/her actually embarrasses me and makes me cringe on the inside. Getting misgendered or deadnamed feels one thousand times worse but getting gendered correctly still feels bad. I don't have this problem online though and to the people I know there I don't feel this kind of shame, I guess it's probably because they can't see what I look like and for all they know I pass but to people in person it is abundantly clear that I do not
I want to be a woman, but I do not feel like one at all, and asking people to call me one makes me feel like an imposter and so uncomfortable
Whenever I'm in a situation where everyone says their pronouns I want to rip all my skin off and die. I don't want someone she/her-ing me because I told them to do that, I want them to she/her me because they actually genuinely think that it fits me
I 100%, totally understand this. I absolutely hate asserting my gender. Idk, some friends of mine think I should but I kind of refuse to. If someone asks me I just say "She/they either or". Idk what else to say but I understand the struggle ❤️
someone referred to me as he the other day then stopped to ask my pronouns afterwards and I wanted to jump out of my skin instead of saying she/her
Yeah for me it depends on the context. Sometimes, to me someone asking at least means that I'm confusing them which I take as a win
Same ✨
Passing is irrelevant to whether or not you deserve to be gendered correctly (you do)Passing is irrelevant to whether or not you are the gender you say you are (you are)
Why should anyone's opinion of you matter? Irrelevant to you being comfortable and gendered correctly.
It seems to me like you really hate yourself over not passing and not feel inglike a woman, which you'll probably need to root out in order to stop being embarrassed over this.
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I'm so worried about being judged and I constantly torment myself thinking about what other people think of me. I'm so afraid that by being visibly and openly trans that I make other people uncomfortable and making other people uncomfortable is like my biggest fear
True I do hate myself but I have no idea how to root that out. I have no idea how to be okay with what I am
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If people are made uncomfortable by their gender that's a them-issue though, you deserve to exist comfortably yourself. The only reason someone could be made "uncomfortable" by an openly trans person is transphobia, and they DESERVE to be uncomfortable for that. There is not anything wrong with being openly-visibly transI wish I had a precise, scientific answer and set of instructions on how to do that. I'm lucky enough that my wife (who is nonbinary, woah ✨) was happy to help shore up my confidence by constantly giving me compliments, praise, all the good stuff, but "she can fix me!" is not great advice
But like, being trans is generally cool and interesting, most of the stuff that sucks about being trans is the fault of the society we live in, instead.
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This has kind of been the opposite of my experience. Yeah my parents are transphobic pieces of shit, but like 90% of the people I deal with outside of them are very nice about me being trans and gender me correctly and use my name once I tell them. The shit that makes me want to pluck my eyes out is when I look in the mirror. I hate my body I hate my rib cage I hate my wide-ass shoulders I hate having a dick I hate existing in this body
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Well that's good in a roundabout way at least, because dysphoria does fuckin suck badly,spoiler
That might also just be the fact that I live on campus of a liberal college and go out of my way to interact with as few people as I possibly can in a day, maybe once I graduate and move I'll deal with more bigotsspoiler
Hope notspoiler
I think trans people are great, but I do notice I become more self-conscious about being careful to use the correct pronouns when talking about them, which I don't really have a problem with, but I also for some reason feel like I wouldn't want to make others feel like that (partly because I don't care about which ones people use, so it would be pointless). But I might have a problem with excessive people pleasing...
I've typically found compliments make me uncomfortable (and avoid giving compliments because I don't want to make others uncomfortable). Thanks for the reminder that often people probably do like them.
Uh, why not? I think it's fine if people feel the need to be a little careful about pronouns around trans people. It's such a minimum-effort thing to consider someone's pronouns anyway, whatever. Not caring about pronouns is cool tho
Oh, yeah I didn't consider that. I'm really incredibly bad at giving compliments cause I'm awkward as fuck, but I try anyway cause Idk, it'd be cool to make someone feel nice. I get +100 dopamine and +1000 confidence when I get compliments, people do not abuse my affinity for being complimented enough. When people say my hair is amazing or that I look awesome in thigh high boots, that shit's better than any high I could achieve
I totally agree with you, but I can't help being stupid about it anyways.
Most compliments I've typically received as an egg have been related to my appearance I disliked and sometimes explicitly masculine-coded compliments. But I had no clue why I disliked them so much (nor did I get why sometimes there were exceptions where I did like them...). Also, a lot of "compliments" about being (school) smart are just backhanded insults imo and/or people presuming I look down on them. Either way, I still have the emotional feeling of compliments = bad.
It's fine, just dw about it :) IMO it's a basic social courtesy to be considerate of people's pronouns, and everyone deserves it.
Oh yeah that would be less than pleasant
I totally get why you'd dislike compliments if that's been your experience of them, which sucks 
sorry...
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I'm in the exact same boat, people being really nice to me just makes me suspicious. I usually feel like shit after getting complimented
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This happens? I don't think I've ever had someone IRL ask me about my pronouns or give their own. As an oblivious and thick-shelled egg, I think I sometimes worried about that kind of question for some reason (don't know what sort of excuse I gave myself for that concern) but it never happened.
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It only happens because I'm in college, I have not seen pronoun circles outside of collegespoiler
I finished college like 6 years ago and I went to one that is pretty conservative as for as universities go. So, despite spending like 6-7 years in college, it never happened. Granted, I'm also not very social.spoiler
Are these two things mutually exclusive though? Somebody could be gendering you correctly both because you told them your pronouns and because they genuinely think that those pronouns fit you. And even in the case where they didn't consider how she/her might fit you before you brought it up, they still might come to feel that it simply fits you better. I realise this is not a big consolation for the feelings of being an imposter, especially because you can't know whether someone is genuine about it without being at least decent friends with them. But I think it's nevertheless important to not lose sight of this.
I definitely agree more broadly on the distaste for pronoun circles, although in my case moreso due to how painful it was for me to lie the first few times I had them in uni before I was comfortable coming out.
But there's plenty more to being a woman than just looking like one. I still don't pass super well, but being more femme in my presentation and being friends with more cis women and trans people has made me feel much more like a woman than waiting 3 years for HRTs effects to make me perfectly passable ever would have done. It's incredibly hard to push yourself to do those first steps to present femme though, and it takes time to become comfortable just like it does for HRT to change your body.
Idk, this ramble probably isn't helpful for you at all. At best the only "advice" I'd give is just trying to make friends with queer people on your campus and present yourself authentically. But that's not really a consolation at all, especially since it's a little bit luck dependant for how good your friends are.