Hope it was a great week everyone. Hopefully this one is even better. 
this post was submitted on 20 May 2024
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This stuff is so wild, people.
How can I go from legitimately one of the happiest days of my life yesterday to today where it's just like... I don't know, okay? Pretty good?
Yesterday, I felt like a woman for sure, but today I'm like... Wow, I'm going to have to tell my friend who I came out to that actually it was a mistake.
I literally happy cried yesterday. I've never happy cried in my life.
I'm trying to stay chill, but I'm just not feeling like a girl today. It feels like disinterest. I don't really want to wear the clothes or do the voice, but when I kind of force myself, I'm generally happy about it later. But then it feels like I'm forcing things.
I'm trying my best to be happy with whatever my identity comes out to be, but I seriously hope it's not man again.
Anyone know what's going on?
Edit: I put on a dress and feel a little better >.>
Still wanna hear from you tho~
Yea, you're a time traveling me. Hi future me :kirby-wave: (hope that worked) Glad wearing the dress feels good.
But seriously, I feel the same way a lot. Especially feeling fake/forced.
It's a strange existence we live
:meow-hug: it is, hopefully we can figure it out eventually.
Think its normal for a lot of people. Feelings come in waves.
Some of it might just be the normalization of things. As you become more used to things, they're just ordinary experiences, nothing special. Cis people don't usually get happy about their gender on a daily basis because its just normal, and I don't think its something to expect from trans people either as it just becomes more normal for them to just be who they are. Women don't need to present femme all the time.
For me, I certainly go through periods where I have a similar disinterest and just wonder why I'm doing anything. Seems like a lot of effort for something that, in the moment, doesn't even feel important to do, just to have to deal with a society that largely doesn't understanding. And how can I try to come out to others or expect them to be understanding when at times I don't feel like I care? Its annoying.
I think sometimes for me, there's an issue with feelings of dissociation.
Feel like since starting HRT, the feeling of being a pilot of a meatsuit has at least largely gone away and maybe the feelings of being a stranger suddenly expected to play the role of Walrus, who's memories I've acquired but felt like they're not my own after any sorta majorish disruption of my routines has also stopped? Don't think the feelings of DP/DR are completely gone though. When starting HRT, I went from being super-excited, to the point of barely being able to sleep one day, to totally disinterested by the time the prescription actually got arrived (there was a delay). I just felt like I had to trust the Walrus who decided to get the prescription and was super excited about starting cause days earlier despite that feeling like it was a different person who had decided that.
Nowadays, at least its easy for me to no longer worry that I might actually be cis. Its mostly just a question of where on the spectrum of agender to binary trans woman I lie. But that doesn't solve the "how do I come out to people?" question. Nor does it solve the "should I continue HRT?" question (but I don't think that's really a serious question - just the nagging voice of internalized nonsense that's easily dismissed). I still just avoid the "might I be a girl?" question altogether though cause I think impostor syndrome would be too much of a thing and it doesn't really matter to me what the answer is currently: figure I'll just save that problem for future-me as it just doesn't seem that important for me currently.
Thank you, Walrus.
I think this makes some sense to me
I'm feeling this a lot too right now ๐ For me it is linked to depression as well. Sometimes I don't feel like putting in the work to see myself in the mirror, even though I know it would make me happier
Glad you are feeling better