chat

I just don't believe I have what it takes to get my life together, sadly.

I believe that you do, because you had the courage and strength to reach out here, express vulnerability, and have yourself heard already.

pathetic adult with no talents, passion, creativity, friends or a job. Just a worthless and unlovable failure.

Who told you that? I know there's a lot of external pressure out there and a lot of social and societal pressure pressed down on us in general, but if there's someone that told you such things, they've already proven themselves to be unworthy of your trust or your attention.

I went from being a happy kid that smiled all the time, enjoyed drawing and had several friends

In dark times, should the stars also go out? You are alive. As long as you are alive, there's still tomorrow and a future that can be better than today. I came from several very dark places, one after another. I lived long enough to see better, and I believe that you will do the same if you let yourself hope and continue to strive, comrade.

I'm sorry, and I know how you feel because I have been there. It's the worst feeling in the world. Our capitalist society has this evil way of making us feel worthless. But it's a shitty trick. Don't believe it for a second.

You are not a failure and life is not a game you are supposed to win or lose, that's just capitalism talking.

You provide value, whether it's by watering a thirsty plant or by hugging a loved one. You matter. You are enough.

And even if you didn't provide "value" (whatever that even is is subjective anyway). You don't owe the world anything. You exist, you're alive, therefore you deserve to continue existing.

Everything we do leaves a print on this planet whether we want it to or not. You are here. You are meant to be here. Your existence proves you have a right to be here.

Not much I can add outside of solidarity and a meow hug

Do you still like drawing? That would seem to repudiate having no passion or creativity.

Even if you stopped, if it's enough a part of your identity that it's one of the three things you mention when you talk about the period in your life when you were happier, maybe it (or something like it!) would be a way of finding a positive identity again.

Just an idea. Really, I should follow the same advice . . .

If I had a flower that was wilting, I wouldn't call it a worthless flower, I'd think "oh shit, what am I not giving this flower?" I'd ask what it is about the environment that is being unsupportive of your hope and joy.

Funny enough, you caught me in the middle of a tiny spiral. Sounds like something we could commiserate about, probably.

Goddamn, look at it. I hate it so much it's unreal. It's like I've thrown a metric fuck load of money and effort into not feeling so low and I've looked at my situation from 50 different directions and tried 100 different things and it's like would I feel that much more down if I just never questioned anything at all? I doubt it.

I don't have a magic bullet solution for you and you know that. I hope things start to feel better, but I flatly refuse to promise things will actually get better because I'm in my mid 30s and both the world and my life have, on balance, trended hard into the "perpetually worse" category.

Some smartass once said the only philosophical question is suicide. I think he was being a smartass but there's a point there: Once you accept you want to live you can start looking for meaningful change, or comforting things in the present.

I have no idea what that looks like for you.

Try an example thru myself, skip if you don't wanna hear about my problems and what gives me grounding to hold it together, it's not especially inspiring:

Yeah, I know this feeling all too well. Sometimes I look back and just ask myself, what happened? On a logical level of course I know what happened, capitalism, the death of the community and all that. But on a more spiritual level, what happened?

I've contemplated suicide at many times in my life. It's a hard thing to get through. There's not much I have to say other than I really empathize with you. I don't really have much practical advice since I don't know your situation, but I will say when I get like that, I like to just say "fuck it," and let my life fall apart for a bit, give myself a rest from having to maintain everything. Figure out the most important thing and just focus on that, everything else can be dealt with when you get a little more stability. As long as you're surviving, you know eating and sleeping at least a bit, it's okay to just live like a bum for a while. Focus on not cutting yourself, focus on getting a job, or maybe just sit around and think and try to plan out a way forward from this roadblock you're at. Idk, whatever you think is most important.

That's what I do, not sure if that helps, but I really do empathize with you. Just remember, whatever you do, you haven't failed at life, you can never fail at life.

also here have some of the good Israel

you are wonderful please don't hurt yourself

I was in a very similar place for most of the past year, and I'm not entirely out of it. Some of those feelings have gone away, but others have not. I didn't get things back together by myself, it was the support of others that allowed me to start healing.

I hope things will get better for you, and this community (including me) is here for anything you need to keep going and start moving towards a better place. If you just want to talk, for someone to listen, people to play games with or whatever helps take your mind off things or helps you work through everything please reach out. That includes material assistance too.

Please reach out to whatever support group you can find. Some places have free counselling available if you don't have health insurance. Depression can happen to anybody and it is not your fault. Life happens, things happen, and its not always stuff you can control.

I've dealt with suicidal thoughts before, if you ever want or need to vent just send a DM.

You have what it takes to “get your life together”. Whatever the fuck that means.

You got a car?

If you kill yourself, fascists score another win. Would you allow them that?

If you are seriously contemplating suicide, get checked in to a hospital. Shitty help is better than no help.

Life is long and there's no such thing as too late. I always remind myself that Julia Child went to Cordon Bleu at 38. But you can't find who you are meant to be if you're dead.

You haven't failed at life, this life has failed you. Remember that we live on a prison planet. Human life is worthless here and your only purpose is to generate profit for capitalists. It's impossible to fail at life if your life was determined to be miserable from the moment you were born in a capitalist dystopia.

The only way out of this hellscape is a communist revolution. But while we're waiting for that to happen (and doing whatever we can to bring it closer), you can take care of yourself and people around you. You can also join the based department

How is your life right now? What’s wrong?

Do you have a job? Who do you live with? Do you live in a city? Near loved ones? Why do things feel so bad?

I'm sorry that your pain is so great right now that you feel the only remedy is suicide or hurting yourself. We have a lot weighing on us as trans people, the world around us, our families not being accepting, dysphoria. We have a lot weighing on us as leftists, seeing just how bad the world really is. You have so many people that care about you. I'd miss you over on the /c/traa megathread if I didn't see your posts! We're all communists on here, we believe that someone's productivity does not define how valuable they are. And you have ambitions, you said you had several friends, implying you don't have them now. Being friends with people means you make them happy. You want to make people happy, and that's an extremely worthwhile ambition.

I went to the local outpatient that focuses on mental health and got on therapy and meds the next day. Best decision of my life. I've slowly started becoming the person I remembered being before becoming a depressed 10 year old. I still need to get on hormones for my own sake, but that feels like a real possibility now. And if you really don't want meds, you can just get the therapy, although I'll be honest getting on good meds helped me more. A lot of outpatients do sliding scale, so it can be cheap or even free. Not all will take you, but if you live near a city there will be one that also does just mental health.

I've started attending groups for alcoholism, but there are loner/depression groups you can also attend so that you can just hang out (on zoom) with people who are depressed and isolating just like you. You don't have to be alone, there are people who will understand you. You can talk about how you've been so depressed you haven't showered for almost a month (something I said in a group) and you don't have people disgusted by you, you have people talking about how they force themselves to shower too. I don't know what your depression looks like, but I just wanted to give you an example. My PMs are always open, if you have Matrix or Discord we can chat on there too!