this post was submitted on 01 Sep 2024
1093 points (99.0% liked)

Lemmy Shitpost

26948 readers
3524 users here now

Welcome to Lemmy Shitpost. Here you can shitpost to your hearts content.

Anything and everything goes. Memes, Jokes, Vents and Banter. Though we still have to comply with lemmy.world instance rules. So behave!


Rules:

1. Be Respectful


Refrain from using harmful language pertaining to a protected characteristic: e.g. race, gender, sexuality, disability or religion.

Refrain from being argumentative when responding or commenting to posts/replies. Personal attacks are not welcome here.

...


2. No Illegal Content


Content that violates the law. Any post/comment found to be in breach of common law will be removed and given to the authorities if required.

That means:

-No promoting violence/threats against any individuals

-No CSA content or Revenge Porn

-No sharing private/personal information (Doxxing)

...


3. No Spam


Posting the same post, no matter the intent is against the rules.

-If you have posted content, please refrain from re-posting said content within this community.

-Do not spam posts with intent to harass, annoy, bully, advertise, scam or harm this community.

-No posting Scams/Advertisements/Phishing Links/IP Grabbers

-No Bots, Bots will be banned from the community.

...


4. No Porn/ExplicitContent


-Do not post explicit content. Lemmy.World is not the instance for NSFW content.

-Do not post Gore or Shock Content.

...


5. No Enciting Harassment,Brigading, Doxxing or Witch Hunts


-Do not Brigade other Communities

-No calls to action against other communities/users within Lemmy or outside of Lemmy.

-No Witch Hunts against users/communities.

-No content that harasses members within or outside of the community.

...


6. NSFW should be behind NSFW tags.


-Content that is NSFW should be behind NSFW tags.

-Content that might be distressing should be kept behind NSFW tags.

...

If you see content that is a breach of the rules, please flag and report the comment and a moderator will take action where they can.


Also check out:

Partnered Communities:

1.Memes

2.Lemmy Review

3.Mildly Infuriating

4.Lemmy Be Wholesome

5.No Stupid Questions

6.You Should Know

7.Comedy Heaven

8.Credible Defense

9.Ten Forward

10.LinuxMemes (Linux themed memes)


Reach out to

All communities included on the sidebar are to be made in compliance with the instance rules. Striker

founded 1 year ago
MODERATORS
 
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] cRazi_man@lemm.ee 248 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (9 children)

She isn't going to order her own meatballs and is going to pick off his plate. He wanted to make sure he got to eat his fill before sharing.

[–] NeatNit@discuss.tchncs.de 51 points 2 months ago

That's a good theory.

[–] ThisIsAManWhoKnowsHowToGling@lemmy.dbzer0.com 41 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I've literally done exactly this

[–] wreckedcarzz@lemmy.world 18 points 2 months ago (2 children)
load more comments (2 replies)
[–] ouRKaoS 30 points 2 months ago

He knows his wife likes the meatballs, but isn't going to order her own, so he eats two, claims he's stuffed, and let's her have the last one.

He actually is stuffed, because the ones she saw him eat were actually numbers 7 & 8 and she's happy because she gets a meatball without ordering extra food.

So wholesome!

[–] BeigeAgenda@lemmy.ca 18 points 2 months ago

Joey doesn't share food!

load more comments (5 replies)
[–] iceonfire1@lemmy.world 138 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Probably he's on a diet and his wife won't let him eat more than 1 order of meatballs.

[–] ZeroCool@slrpnk.net 134 points 2 months ago (1 children)

WHAT WAS HE HIDING

That he wanted six extra meatballs?

[–] jaybone@lemmy.world 17 points 2 months ago

Maybe it’s a trick question.

Like maybe he was hiding a corpse in the trunk of his car, which he murdered by slitting their throat with Occam’s razor.

[–] Mr_Blott@feddit.uk 69 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (4 children)

Imagine all the time this guy saves by typing like he's doing it with his fucking face

[–] Emerald@lemmy.world 22 points 2 months ago

It's sorta greentext-like

[–] ouRKaoS 20 points 2 months ago

He's an amateur, he typed out "ate" instead of using "8"!

[–] minibyte@sh.itjust.works 8 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

b4

That’s a bingo!

[–] jaybone@lemmy.world 6 points 2 months ago

But what is he hiding?

[–] Shardikprime@lemmy.world 67 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Bro wants to eat his own meatballs

Wife wants to eat his meatballs, and not ask for her own

Bro gets early, gets his own meatballs.

Wife gets to restaurant, sees new meatballs

She starts picking on husband meatballs

Bro shares

Wife happy

Everyone happy

[–] GreyEyedGhost@lemmy.ca 37 points 2 months ago

This is probably the most charitable interpretation of this scenario. Good for you.

I figured his wife put him on a diet and he was having none (or three times) of it.

[–] BetaBlake@lemmy.world 41 points 2 months ago

His heart disease

[–] robocall@lemmy.world 38 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I know someone who's husband would go to taco bell in secret and she would see the charge alerts on her phone.

[–] Psythik@lemmy.world 5 points 2 months ago (8 children)

Why his his bank account logged into her phone? Are joint bank accounts really a thing, or are the wife and I the weird ones for keeping our finances separate?

[–] Aussiemandeus@aussie.zone 12 points 2 months ago (3 children)

My wife and I keep our finances separate too.

Except we both send money to an account that's in my name offsetting the mortgage on the house that's in my name too. My wife wants access to this account because she's worried if I die the bank will make it hard to get at the cash since it's offset and joint savings all in one.

Not to mention we don't have wills and she's been pushing for that for a few years.

The more I think about it, she might be planning on killing me haha

[–] damo_omad@lemmy.world 19 points 2 months ago (2 children)

Your wife is basically paying you rent, she should be worried about something happening to you. You're married, just put her on the title of the house.

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] bitwaba@lemmy.world 14 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Or, ya know, she just doesn't wanna be homeless.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] Rekorse@sh.itjust.works 8 points 2 months ago

Just being pragmatic, nothing to say you won't die 5 minutes from now, which makes putting it off irresponsible at best.

[–] OmnislashIsACloudApp@lemmy.world 9 points 2 months ago (2 children)

my wife and I are joint, just easier that way. what surprises me more is that someone would set up alerts for the low expense levels that would be triggered by Taco bell.

I don't really understand why folks would do separate it just seems like more trouble for no benefit unless there has been a specific reason or issues to trigger that.

(for example my dad and stepmom had separate accounts after she spent so much one Christmas that I had to pay their rent)

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] dream_weasel@sh.itjust.works 9 points 2 months ago (1 children)

All our accounts are totally joint and wife and I carry basically the same credit cards. No reason to be separate IMO. Only need one check book that way and I can pay all the bills for all the cards in one place.

[–] Psythik@lemmy.world 6 points 2 months ago (5 children)

No reason.

What if one one of you wants to make an expensive purchase? The wife and I avoid a lot of arguments when we can't tell each other how to spend our own money. If I want to build a new PC? No problem! She wants to spend $500 on skincare products? Go for it.

[–] Rekorse@sh.itjust.works 9 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

Some couples see the money they earn as part of the whole, there is no my money and their money. It can make sense for some for sure, in my relationship its easier to just have our money, and it doesnt really matter where it comes from.

We also expect large purchases to be discussed first, outside of like presents and surprises of course.

[–] dream_weasel@sh.itjust.works 6 points 2 months ago

Expensive is pretty subjective. Anything less than about $200 no discussion required. Above that, we usually have a courtesy conversation. We've never had a hard no spending if one of us really wants or needs something, but a required justification or notice prevents impulse buys.

Joint also doesn't mean you can't have an account (or a bucket or a tally) where you save for something you want, it just means it's not a secret.

load more comments (3 replies)
load more comments (5 replies)
[–] nifty@lemmy.world 37 points 2 months ago (3 children)

He’s cheating on his diet, as others mentioned. I feel like you should be able to just talk to your wife about going off diet once in a while…

load more comments (3 replies)
[–] BruceTwarzen@lemm.ee 34 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I don't know why i'm a fat diabetic

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] CaliforniaSober@lemmy.ca 33 points 2 months ago (3 children)

“ Wait… I worry what you heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?”

load more comments (3 replies)
[–] NutWrench@lemmy.ml 32 points 2 months ago (2 children)

"WHAT WAS HE HIDING?"

Well, meatballs, obviously.

[–] AngryCommieKender@lemmy.world 16 points 2 months ago

He knew his wife "wasn't gonna be hungry," and would "share," his meatballs. The man just needed to get full first, so he wasn't starving after.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] finickydesert@lemmy.ml 24 points 2 months ago (3 children)
load more comments (3 replies)
[–] meep_launcher@lemm.ee 21 points 2 months ago (1 children)

This reminds me of how when I was young, my dad would get us an extra order of desert when mom left to use the restroom. It was the best dad move. Ofc I was an anxiety case while trying to eat the ice cream before mom got back, it was that intense anxiety where it felt something was following you. Do you know? No. All you know is that every fiber in your being told you you needed get out of that old warehouse as soon as possible. You keep running, avoiding roots and rocks. You keep second guessing yourself. Where we alone? You look to see if Sam followed you but he's nowhere to be seen. You swear you two looked at eachother with the same chill just moments ago. You call out to him, but you hear nothing. You slow down and turn around but the sun has already set and the trees shroud any sense of direction. You call out again, but regret it instantly.

The weight of something big is coming.

You pick a direction and go in an all out sprint. You don't know where you are going but know whatever has been tracking you is behind you. You are now shrieking call for Sam but he is long gone. The ground below you shifts as you come to a steep decline. You stumble but catch yourself, only to find the moss on the ground won't hold you. You slip and roll into a ravine, and as you fall your ankle hits a rock. You don't know if it's broken but at this point you know that whatever is behind you is worse than the pain of each step. You are limping but moving, but now you are losing ground. The bushes burst open behind you and in the shock you fall back down, firmly breaking the leg you tried so hard to ignore. You turn over while you writhe in pain to see what remained of Sam being held by what couldn't be a man but couldn't be a beast. He comes forward smelling the air furiously. You didn't want to believe it, but Sam was taken and soon you will be too. In your final moments, a face finally comes 2 inches from yours.

You didn't want to believe things could go south so fast. You didn't want to believe Sam was dead. You didn't want to believe you never would sleep in your bed or eat rainbow Sherbet again. You didn't want to believe your eyes when you saw him-

Shia LaBeouf.

Anyway when mom came back dad would always take the heat for us, but he's a funny guy and mom couldn't stay mad for long.

[–] FlyingSquid@lemmy.world 12 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Damn, how long did your mom spend in restaurant bathrooms?

[–] Shapillon@lemmy.world 8 points 2 months ago

She was stealing 5 gallons of pink soap.

[–] Agent641@lemmy.world 15 points 2 months ago

You just dont understand, some people need to do recon missions before comitting to the charge.

[–] bstix@feddit.dk 14 points 2 months ago (2 children)

She's gonna complain about the bill.

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] ettyblatant@lemmy.world 13 points 2 months ago

Holy shit this thread

Meme : weird event happens at restaurant, only context is that man was hiding his actions for whatever reason"

ITT: FUCKING WIVES AMIRITE

[–] Hossenfeffer@feddit.uk 13 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Meh.

I was getting a Chinese takeout a while back. A guy came in to pick up his order and sank 4 cans of Carlsberg Special Brew (7.5% ABV) in the 5 minutes it took them to get it ready for him. He wasn't savouring this beer, he was just fucking necking it as fast as possible.

Who knows the struggles other people are going through and the things they do to get through the day without losing it.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] Prewash_Required@sh.itjust.works 13 points 2 months ago

Gout, probably

[–] vga@sopuli.xyz 12 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

WHAT WAS HE HIDING?

The reason for his obesity?

[–] Nuke_the_whales@lemmy.world 11 points 2 months ago
[–] Feathercrown@lemmy.world 11 points 2 months ago

Ball is life

[–] Kolanaki@yiffit.net 10 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Inflating the bill so when they get the check he can be like "Holy hell! That's way more expensive than I thought. We might not be able to come here again." And save money by not going out to a restaurant ever again.

[–] kinther@lemmy.world 9 points 2 months ago (2 children)

looks at bill

9 MEATBALLS?

We only had three

load more comments (2 replies)
load more comments
view more: next ›