Ask Lemmy

the world isn't ready for a woman president so I didn't even vote.

Aren't we like the only country that still hasn't had a woman leading the nation? Maybe I'm not the best to get family advice from but my family hasn't heard from me for almost 2 decades now and I think you'd be a lot happier if you could say the same.

As everyone has clearly stated, you need to watch out for your and your personal health and safety (mental and physical).

That said, I just want to highlight the fact that you probably shouldn't broadcast your feelings on it too bluntly (even if you are in the right) and should consider if a more middle-ground approach would be better for you compared to making a large announcement and cutting people off. To be clear, this should be primally about you and your well-being, though.

In particular, as other have stated, if you're cutting them off anyway, its probably worth considering just ghosting them. That way you can avoid fights and drama, as well as likely having less records of you being trans if you're worried about that.

If you still care about your family a lot, as it sounds like you do, it may also be worth considering trying to work out a plan for low-contact rather than completely cutting them off. For example, if you communicate mostly through social media, you might disconnect or switch to alts they don't know. If its primarily through sms but not phone, prehaps block or hide their sms messages but allow them to call you. Maybe you just need to stop visiting them or allowing visits. Your family doesn't need to know this plan or the reason for it, and probably shouldn't. For example, you could just brush it off as wanting to disconnect from social media/technology or being busy. If you want to go this route, figure you what works for you - don't do it out of obligation, but because you genuinely want to keep the connection and are confident you can do so with without putting yourself in danger. Also, be willing to re-evaluate this later, if your relationship or need change.

In the same vein, you can also start looking at moving to safer regions. I understand this is a big commitment, so I don't expect it to be a reasonable answer, esspecially in the short term, but if may be worth starting to look at whats involved. It might be complete overkill (I pray to God it is) but if you don't have significant roots, moving further away may help distance yourself from them, while also providing more security.

Ultimately, I don't think you're in the wrong, if you feel the need to resort to anything more extreme for your own well-being, don't hesitate. At the same time, it can be hard on you to lose family, reguardless of how terrible, abusive, or stupid they may be, which is why I'm bringing up some more middle-ground options. Consider your needs, and decide what the best way to achive that is - you don't need to consider their reaction or feeling when trying to figure out how to keep yourself safe and healthy.

Not helpful but your aunt needs to take a grammar/English class.

I told my mom the other day that she clearly doesn't love or care about me because of the way she voted. I don't believe she can both love her trans daughter while simultaneously willingly inflicting as much suffering as possible. I decided to block her for a few days.

You've gotten a lot of advice but I want to focus on this point. What on earth did you think was going to happen? You're out here making the relationship worse, for no potential upside, and then acting Pikachu when it gets worse.

Healthy relationships require continuous investment to build. It doesn't matter if your mum isn't doing that, it is very clear from your post that you're not either.

(Note: I don't disagree with other people that your mum and aunt are crazy/terrible/whatever, but at the end of the day those things are irrelevant to my point)

You don't seem to be getting anything positive out of interacting with your family, if you're not financially dependent on them I would cut bait and live my best life. The text from your aunt is such passive aggressive bullshit, on her naughty list? Fuck outta here.

The world isn’t ready for a woman president

…so I went back to the well and voted for a known rapist for president. Long history of that, so no worries!

Don't think that things like "rescinding your apology" are necessary - just be done. If you can support yourself, and have friends or other people you can emotionally rely on, I would just simply "stop" with your family. Why "rescind your apology", that will just start another argument for the sake of trying to give yourself some sort of moral high ground, which it aounds like your mother will not acknowledge.

You don't need to make a statement about it, you don't need to announce to them some big decision, just move on. Live a happy life. Be you. Don't include them in that process if they are not going to be a positive part of it.

Family is usually everywhere in your life. Not everywhere-everywhere, but everywhere for you. The ways it's fucked up aren't obvious from that perspective because there's no contrast from inside the system.

Your aunt is displaying a pretty gross and spineless "genes over well-being" attitude present in a lot of families. It can be very useful for getting through lesser hard times together, but it's poison when used to excuse treachery.

It gets used to excuse treachery like your aunt did because not excusing it implies seeing how awful it is, and the realization could break her conception of the family, which could break her. While your aunt's words are dumb as fucking bricks, the thing to picture here is her nervously texting you, trying to cobble together some victim blaming horseshit as a way of not having to make eye contact with the Madness Demon staring at her from across the room.

A lot of what gets labeled as (and is) "complicity with evil" is fueled by this. People blame victims because they don't have the strength to see that the victim is actually just in that bad of a situation. They can't handle the heartbreak of seeing it, or the fear that it could happen to them. So they blame you because that means (it doesn't but they tell themselves) you could have done something to prevent your own awful situation, and by extension, so can they. Your crappy situation dispels their illusion of control; victim blaming scotch-tapes it back together. They don't see that they'd be safe without it; they think if that illusion of control goes, the universe ends. They're scared. Very tense, no way to live.

I don't have advice, I can just tell you for sure that you'll see this much more clearly, if not more simply, with distance, by seeing the family system from the outside. But that does mean leaving the family in some sense, which isn't for everybody. So maybe reading this can give you some sense of what your own eyes would probably tell you if you could get the angle on it you needed to verify it yourself.

I'm gay. My nephew knows this. We are the same generation so he is more like a little brother to me. When he told me he voted for Trump I was so angry. I have cut him off. He and I were just beginning to get closer these last couple of years. This election wasn't about different fiscal priorities. It was about our very survival. I guess we couldn't overcome the propaganda thrown at us. If you are not dependent on your family for anything, I would cut them off.

We can’t choose our blood, but we can choose our family. I’m sorry yours is being shitty to you.

If this is newish behavior, then you may want to consider distancing yourself from them, give them time to come to their senses.

If this is just more of the same-old, same-old from them, then it might be time to consider making your own family. By that I mean being selective about who you keep and who you cull.

You are not required to keep in contact with horrible people, just because you happen to be related. There are plenty of other people out there who are worthy of your time and respect.

I wouldn't be a cis-het-white-man if I didn't feel entitled to weigh in: I think you should send a handwritten note that says something like:

I will always have room in my life for a mother who loves me unconditionally, but a mother like that would not support politicians with transphobic policies. I do have love for you, but the choices you've made break my heart, and it's not healthy for me to have that sort of negativity in my life.

When I'm lonely, I'll try to focus on the good times we had together, and not harbor bitterness. I forgive myself for not being the child you imagined. I hope you can do the same.

Make sure to sign it with "Love"

You could also list some of the positive memories you're going to try to focus on. You could ask your sister to help you come up with a list. You don't need to share the whole letter with her just say that you're trying to come up with a list of happy memories for when you're feeling down. Maybe that should be a conversation while you do something else together so you're not just staring at each other at the kitchen table while trying to think. For me that that something else would be a game of pool, for others it might be cooking or jogging or gardening or walking through an art gallery/museum.

If anybody has any feedback for me that would help me better understand OPs situation I'd love to hear it.

I think you did the right thing with the voicemail, leave it at that and move on. You can't fix everyone. Surround yourself with people who are thoughtful and supportive, and be the same for them.

I do think a lot of the people who swung right were not trying to hurt anyone, they were misinformed on purpose by targeted propaganda. But again - you are unlikely to be able to get through to them. I stop helping people when it becomes obvious that the help is not helpful. They may come around, they may not, but you cannot personally do anything to make that happen.

And the nonsense about the world not being ready for a woman president is utter twaddle, there have been plenty of them, just not here. Fucking Margaret Thatcher was elected in 1979! Your aunt is off her rocker.

Your mom and aunt don't at all get that voting for someone that wants to harm you as much as possibly is extremely different from disagreements on tone or policy foreign and domestic. They at used to an easy world back when politics was largely insignificant to life changes. I'm facing ethnic clensing after Trump's win. This isn't a joke, he's very open that he's going to denaturalize Hispanics, you know, remove their legal status that can take up to 30 years to achieve, and deport them anyway. There's a lot of families being torn apart by this election, my wife is furious with family that voted in favor of ethnicity clensing her spouse and kids, stopping women from having a right to medical treatment in exactly the high risk pregnancies she wouldn't have survived if these laws were in place in that time. It's sickening. They are voting for fascism, racism, sexism, and hate.

They don't get it, they've never taken politics seriously. And they think nothing will happen to them because they're white women who have never faced abuse they can't get out of. If you need peace from them, do so. Protect yourself, and I hope you live in a blue state.

I think you already know the answer, which is to ghost 'em. Not just because of their terrible political views, but because they (including your aunt) just seem like terrible people. It can be a breath of fresh air to just never worry about them again!

What's the downside? If you're financially independent and they don't serve any use or purpose in your life, it's just a net negative being in contact.

I don’t have good advice here as I’m blessed with parents that ask their kids’ input before voting.

There’s a lot of people suggesting cutting off your family and highlighting scenarios they did the same with their family over the recent election.

Just remember that if they’re stuck in an echo chamber, while to you this was about survival, they experienced very very different messaging through the past few years. They very well could have no idea the true ramifications of their vote.

These echo chambers of misinformation and disinformation are dangerous and, in my opinion, we need to help people out of them and not cut them off to leave them to fall deeper and deeper into them.

That said, you still must prioritise your health and wellbeing. If your relatives are deeply impacting you, you don’t deserve that and must look after yourself as a priority.

Objectively, we can only recommend that you find a good therapist. In person, not on the wild wide internet.

This fight between you and your relatives is unreal. I'm not going into it any further, just this: No 'side' can 'win' anything from it unless people change attitudes thoroughly.

Set all of the politics aside for a bit.

People can be more than one thing. Humans have an incredible capacity for psychological incongruity. Your mom doesn't see the straight line between her politics and loving you. Your aunt doesn't see how the person occupying the White House should directly create a rift in personal relationships.

Your mom probably thinks she is doing what is best for you while not supporting you in any meaningful way.

It's your choice what sort of relationships you want to have with your family. Your mom is not perfect, and you should not expect her to change. But also, neither should you feel the need to change who you are for anyone, including your mom.

You can choose to be as guarded with her as you need to be, hoping that simply existing in her life will improve her outlook on social issues, but any efforts to make her understand what you're going through would be wasted effort.

If having a relationship with your mother causes you anxiety and distress, the healthiest option may be to have no relationship with her. Going low contact/no contact isn't going to prove anything or win any argument, but it might make your life markedly happier.

Don't engage in the political argument. There's no cheese down that hole. Be honest and sincere, and never apologize if you don't mean it. Relationships are built on trust, and if you cannot be honest with your family, then don't speak with them.

You exist, and you matter. You deserve happiness and serenity, and so does your mom and so does your aunt. Live the life you want with the people you want in it. And remember that you can leave the door open, but it's up to them to walk through it. If they choose to cut you off, accept it and walk away.

Your parents don't know what it's like to be trans and they aren't interested in learning. They are unwilling to do the mental work of imagining the suffering of a trans person. It's selfish and lazy. You've gone out of your way to make them feel better, by apologizing, and I expect with tolerance towards their behavior when you could have just left. But they're not willing to do the same thing for you. It's one-sided.

Good on you to backtrack and make amends with your mom. Its not right to demonize your family over politics unless they explicitly express sentiments that contradict your well being.

Its not right that your aunt and mom gave that childish reaction but at the same time your actions were also childish. Point is, apologize as you did and have them apologize for their reaction. What they did was essentially return the same energy when they should have been the bigger person.

On a side general note:

Rather than focusing on who someone voted, focus on why they voted and go from there. Someone who votes for trump is not automatically a racist bigot etc. they could have voted for many other reasons. Dont fall into the obvious mind trap that every trump voter is a piece of shit. That just further divides society.

Edit: didnt realize there was more. If your mom didnt give any excuse for why she didnt check up on you then theres not much to lose in ghosting her at this point.

Fill your life with things that enrich it - not things that bring you misery. If you think your mom is bringing misery into your life then cut off communication until something changes.

It fucking sucks to have a family that doesn't enrich your life but there is no reason to cling to misery.

Patrick Teahan has helped me a lot I watch his YouTube videos I was raised by immature adults and when I recognized my trauma I was told “but those are your parents” and shamed into keeping toxic people in my life. I’m in my 40’s, my dad is dead and I’ve gone almost full NC with my Mom. It’s lonely sometimes but it’s better than being neglected, abused and invisible!!

(Patrick Teahan is a Licensed childhood trauma specialist, fellow survivor, author, educator, and advocate for the Relationship Recovery Process. I teach childhood trauma survivors to love, heal, and find themselves.)

You're the ahole here. Politics has gone to your head.

I’m not from us. I’m not you or in your situation. So don’t put too much weight on my comment: Don’t do anything black or white. It’s ok to focus on yourself and go radio silent for as long as you deem right, but cutting all ties and dooming their trump voting asses gives you nothing.

Chill, or try to.

IMO political things like voting and views should never stand between family or friends. So if discussing things like that causes trouble I have skipped the topic entirely.

Friendship/Family >>> political discussion

This reads like you and your mother have had a longstanding negative relationship. I don't believe you or she are in the right place to discuss the extent of your disagreement or the source of it, based on what I'm reading here. Until you are, I think it might be healthier for both of you to walk away for a few years. I don't know her, so I don't know if she's an objectively bad person. What she said, and the actions you've described, sound a lot like someone who doesn't know how to consciously process the emotions around having someone they should love making choices that they find morally reprehensible.

So I don't know if she's a bad person. I can tell that the relationship you have with her is bad, and you should focus on your happiness and coping mechanisms.

Your aunt has a serious cognitive dissonance going on

she is knowingly acting against your interests. you responded with some mild disrespect. it's on her