Comrade it is 843, I'm moving to Iraq so I can attend University and have access to actual food
this post was submitted on 03 Dec 2024
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What?! You don't like stale shitty bread and the finest gruel europe has to offer?
I take my inheritance and fuck off to Constantinople where I can live in an actual civilization and not E*rope.
West Francia? When it’s being ruled by Charles the Bald? There is no BDE, nothing remotely sigma, about a ruler whose honorific is “the bald.” I mean, he’s got a cousin named Nithard, deeply unserious leader.
Lothar, cool name, but c’mon, getting ousted from power in 834 by Louis and driven out to his rump state in Italy, that does not say winner. I mean, Lotharinga got absorbed into East Francia a century later, weeeeeeak.
So we’re going with Louis the German and East Francia. They’re winners, they had staying power into the tenth century, and survived the transfer from Carolingians to the Ottonians.
whose honorific is “the bald.”
Medieval ruler nicknames were something else, later we just have tons of either nothing or bootlicking shit like "The great" for a ruler of Kuwait or 1/10 of Georgia or aparently every Thai king ever, but in medieval they often were more descriptive or straight up ironic. For example Charles the Bald wasn't even bald, he got this nickname because when his brothers recieved their own kingdoms he didn't, and only after many years and unsuccessful attempts he finally got his own crown.
Some Polish rulers nicknames include:
- Mieszko II, officially called Lambert (his christian name), was for the longest time been called "Lazy" though to be fair pretty undeservedly
- Bolesław Krzywousty (Wrymouth) - unclear if he was called that because he had deformed face or because he rarily had warm words for people, but exhumations in the place of his burial did revealed what was probably his remains and the skull did had somewhat deformed jaw.
- Bolesław Rogatka (the Horned one, though better word would be Turnpike), at some point ruler of most of Poland, origins and meanings of his nick are multiple, from rampant lust and SA's, often failed adventures to the fact he used to rob people on the turnpikes, usually figuratively but also literally.
- Mieszko Plątonogi (Tanglefoot) - nickname origin unclear, most possibly from being disabled and having trouble walking
- Bolesław Wstydliwy (the Chaste, but better translation would be The Bashful) - he was probably impotent but paid tons of money to church and not only turned that into great pious PR but even managed to make his unfucked wife Kinga a literal saint.
- Władysław Laskonogi (Spindleshanks) - was tall, and had unproportionally long legs, so much that he avoided being called the Lustful, which would be more apropriate for him.
- Władysław Łokietek (The Elbow-high, but literally Little Elbow) - exhumation revealed he was around 155cm which wasn't really that short in XIII century so the nickname was either made up or came from something else.
- Henryk Brodaty (the Bearded) - his beard must have been really impressive even in age of impressive beards
- Bolesław Zapomniany (The Forgotten One) - could be king of Poland for few years during the turmoil after Mieszko II ran off from throne. One explanation for the uncertainity of his existence was that he was sentenced to damnatio memoriae for tyranny, but much more probable is that he simply didn't exist and was made up by later chroniclers to cover the fact Poland did not had any ruler for 4 years but didn't stopped existing and that in this time population took to arms against royalty and christianity.
- Leszek Czarny (The Black) - allegedly he was wearing black all the time, he was agressive and warlike ruler conflicting with aristocracy, and he got into one of the biggest scandals in medieval Poland, openly being gay, so got slandered in chronicles by church.
There was actually a huge rivalry between franks and saxons that would have almost destroyed East Frankia it was only when Conrad Conradiner I persuaded his brother to forsake the crown and let the stem duchies elect the saxon Henry the Fowler as rex teutonicorum.
I take East Francia and subsequently burn it all to the ground, salting the Earth and forcibly moving it's entire populace to the surrounding kingdoms. So-called "Germany" will be suffocated in its crib.
Gascogny. instead of attempting to rule over the Basque region, I unite its people and fortify their mountain towns to build a eternal, impregnable homeland from which to eventually eradicate the squabbling latins from history.
As a true leftist, I must take Francia, because is the leftmost country.
Worms
Lotharingia, i can spend 3 years traveling to check out stuff, and then its time to check out stuff again
You think you're going to rule Alsace? We're in 843 motherfucker. You are a serf. You need to give your lord the grain.
Middle Francia so that i can do sodom and gommorah shit to the proto-dutch
everyone thinks lotharingia is silly but it's literally the most productive and best protected of the three, all Lothair needed to do is ally to one to take out the other brother and then betray the ally. he might have failed but i'm built different
The eastern one. Then follow a three stage plan.
First, create a new gospel: Jesus will be coming with the Mongols so look out for his his angel messengers who will be carrying bows.
Second, make it official state canon that Jesus will only save you if you do two things: (1) stop any post coming from the east after Subudai enters Hungary (2) tell the Mongols there's a great steppe with loads of good grazing land in the Iberian peninsula.
Third, commission some maps that show Spain and Portugal as great steppes and send the maps to Baghdad to make sure the Mongols find a copy when they head that way.
I'm very stupid i only see Francia and East Francia. I'll take Provence though, early medieval life couldn't have been too bad there right?
Also was Bordeaux on the north side of the Garonne at that time?
edit: after consulting wikipedia i get it now. casually showing my ignorance of early middle ages european history
Provence was under Saracen raids at that time, they even reached as far as the swiss alps.
The one on the left side, middle one would be good but.. it's full of Italians 
Middle Francia is the most based and actually holds the Holy Roman Emperorship. Sadly it will collapse like in a generation.
West Francia turns into France, while East Francia becomes the HRE and the middle one disappears. Pretty easy choice tbh.
You say it disappears, but Lotharingia's brief existence caused ripples that caused wars throughout the second millenium
Lotharingia continued to exist as a duchy of east francia for a while.
one france is bad enough. Imagine dealing with three of them
Middle Francia makes no fucking sense and I love it. I take Middle Francia