this post was submitted on 24 Dec 2024
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Greentext

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This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.

Be warned:

If you find yourself getting angry (or god forbid, agreeing) with something Anon has said, you might be doing it wrong.

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[–] EmoDuck@sh.itjust.works 12 points 2 days ago

Bro, you're supposed to use a NEW piece to wipe each time

[–] SuspiciousUser@lemmy.ml 49 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (3 children)

Obligatory bidet comment. You don't have to wipe like you're trying to get peanut butter out of carpet. All shits become the same with a bidet, whether a short sticky stoagie or a hot wet mess of diarrhea. Imagine trying to clean a mud snowman off your driveway with a pressure washer. It can do anything.

[–] SoleInvictus@lemmy.blahaj.zone 22 points 2 days ago

You are a master of imagery.

[–] PagPag@lemmy.world 13 points 2 days ago

You don't have to wipe like you're trying to get peanut butter out of carpet.

I lol’d

[–] JackbyDev@programming.dev 6 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I'm not gonna pressure wash my tush, that's a terrible metaphor! Too much power!

[–] SoleInvictus@lemmy.blahaj.zone 12 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (2 children)

Tl;dr: too much pressure can result in an unwelcome "deep clean", not recommended as a surprise.

You really have to limit the pressure to the bidet. We ultimately installed a little in-line valve but raw dogged it initially. I thought I'd be fine. "It has a dial," I thought to myself, "I just won't crank it up all the way." I'm an idiot.

The next time I was really sick was when it happened. I was little kid sick, the kind of sick where you're feverish, nauseated, and delirious, barely able to function, yet still have to drag yourself through the house and half-assedly slap your arms at things until they work, just to fulfill basic functions like drinking water and using the toilet. A toilet with a bidet.

I had just finished power blasting the porcelain for the umpteenth time and I wanted nothing more than to wash it away and ooze back into bed. I gathered all my willpower to swing an unwilling appendage over and twist the knob, but I twisted much too far and my aim... my aim was perfect. Bullseye.

In martial arts, they teach you not just to strike your target, but to strike through your target. The bidet didn't just blast my anus, it blasted through my anus. If we were at the fair, my bidet would have popped the balloon and taken home the big bear. My wife claims she heard me cry out a high-pitched "eeeep!", but I don't remember it. I just remember shock and confusion as I pawed at the bidet knob. The bidet had slammed its way straight to home plate and beyond, on to the "fifth base" of legend.

I ordered a valve online that day and installed it as soon as I was able. Never again, not without intent, preparation, and a safe word.

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[–] Kolanaki@yiffit.net 166 points 3 days ago (7 children)

Protip: You wipe after you completely finish shitting, not the entire time you're shitting.

[–] EmoDuck@sh.itjust.works 58 points 3 days ago (2 children)

I get all my wipes out at the beginning of the month, that way I don't have to waste time later on

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[–] specterspectre@lemmy.world 13 points 2 days ago

Fiber. Truly, up your fiber intake. The only time it won't stain and linger is when it gathers in on itself.

[–] Joejoebinkz1@sh.itjust.works 143 points 3 days ago (2 children)
[–] kautau@lemmy.world 93 points 3 days ago (1 children)

I love how Aubrey breaks before Chris says anything past his first line

[–] Empricorn@feddit.nl 19 points 3 days ago (1 children)

It's that delay, he held the next line back. Such great comedic timing!

[–] Flocklesscrow@lemm.ee 23 points 3 days ago (4 children)

This was when Chris Pratt was at his peak.

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[–] Jimmycrackcrack@lemmy.ml 17 points 2 days ago

So until they read about it on the internet they were leaving their butthole covered with shit all day?

[–] kandoh@reddthat.com 5 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Everyone has a 3% chance at colon cancer and fibre supplements are a good way to reduce your chances

[–] HereIAm@lemmy.world 3 points 2 days ago (1 children)

But then everyone doesn't have a 3% chance 🤔 /s

[–] TomAwsm@lemmy.world 10 points 2 days ago (4 children)

No no, if your chances go down, someone else's goes up. Sucks, but you gotta watch out for number one.

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[–] Jake_Farm@sopuli.xyz 96 points 3 days ago (8 children)
[–] quixotic120@lemmy.world 73 points 3 days ago (9 children)

I gave up on reddit years ago but whenever someone posts about bidets it reminds me of my favorite reddit exchange

Someone posted asking why americans don’t use bidets. I commented, saying “am american, use bidet. Love it, shits tight”

Eventually a reply came from a confused esl person asking me if I had a constipation problem because they didn’t understand the colloquialism “shits tight”

I think about that exchange more often than I should

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[–] rambling_lunatic@sh.itjust.works 62 points 3 days ago (2 children)

Eventually there is blood but no shit.

Better red than bidet!

[–] underwire212@lemm.ee 21 points 3 days ago

It’s the only way I can finger myself without it being gay

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[–] Donkter@lemmy.world 37 points 3 days ago

Why would I stop wiping? There's still blood back there!

[–] OmegaLemmy@discuss.online 16 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Bidets... You don't have bidets?

[–] AbsoluteChicagoDog@lemm.ee 28 points 2 days ago

Nah he didn't even run for reelection

[–] finitebanjo@lemmy.world 13 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (6 children)

Since nobody else has talked about it, blood in stool is most commonly caused by hemorrhoids which can be caused by wiping too hard but much more likey it's due to spending too many hours sitting on hard or rough surfaces each day, and you could even have a natural disposition for hemorrhoids caused by enlarged veins and the way blood circulates throughout your legs. It can also be contributed to by leakage from irritated bowels, as well as in people who eat large meals just before sleeping.

Generally professional care isn't required to resolve the issue, instead you can try spending less time sitting down, avoid bloodthinners, wash the area occasionally with cool or cold water, or sitting on an ice pack and rotating out with a hot pack. Many people have suggested dietary changes, such as eat a fucking salad for once in your life.

If it persists for longer than two or three weeks, seek professional care as it could require light surgery.

[–] stinky@redlemmy.com 16 points 2 days ago

anon means that he wiped so frequently that the skin of his butthole wore away (and the paper still came back shitty)

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[–] tibi@lemmy.world 23 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Obviously, a bidet is the best way to have a clean butt, but baby wipes are a good compromise when in public bathrooms, they clean much better than dry toilet paper. Or wash on the side of the bathtub.

[–] pearsaltchocolatebar@discuss.online 27 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Don't flush them no matter what the packaging says, though.

[–] Worx@lemmynsfw.com 15 points 2 days ago (4 children)

How fucking strong is your toilet that you could flush an entire bidet down it?

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[–] MetalMachine@feddit.nl 9 points 2 days ago (2 children)

Real ones use bidet or a watering can first then wipe to simply dry. Much cleaner.

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[–] python@programming.dev 65 points 3 days ago (4 children)

Anon needs to eat more fiber

[–] schnokobaer@feddit.org 40 points 3 days ago (2 children)

Funny how there's always a completely moot discussion about wiping techniques or bidets when the real issue with people having to wipe 20 times is almost always diet.

If you think that's bullshit go ahead and buy a small (for testing) pack of psyllium husk, consume two table spoons a day (in water or on top of a meal) and witness yourself becoming One-Sheet-Shane on the throne in 3 days.

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[–] recreationalcatheter@lemm.ee 25 points 3 days ago (3 children)

I wipe homeopathically.

0.5 mm² gently applied at the top of my crack for a nice even dispersal.

[–] Presently42@lemmy.ca 11 points 2 days ago (2 children)

0.5 mm²of what? 0.5 MM² OF WHAT??

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[–] HawlSera@lemm.ee 19 points 3 days ago (2 children)

Use a bidet, I find whenever I have a burning, the bidet does it.

The blood is likely from a popped hemroid

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[–] Duamerthrax@lemmy.world 13 points 2 days ago (1 children)
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[–] passiveaggressivesonar@lemmy.world 13 points 2 days ago (2 children)

Wet the paper using the sink

[–] AlDente@sh.itjust.works 15 points 2 days ago (1 children)
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[–] bhamlin@lemmy.world 10 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Why? The toilet is literally right there.

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[–] stiephelando@discuss.tchncs.de 40 points 3 days ago

eating fiber helps

[–] 474D@lemmy.world 43 points 3 days ago (7 children)

FFS get some technique. You use 3 squares folded over and do a pinch. You then use 2 squares folded for a second pinch. The last is two squares folded for a wipe, then folded again for the last clean up wipe. Yes, bidet is better but you're gonna have to poo in a public restroom at some point. This isn't rocket surgery, people. Get it together

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[–] Irelephant@lemm.ee 22 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Y'all need jesus and fibre.

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[–] TheMightyCanuck@sh.itjust.works 17 points 3 days ago

Anon never got a new piece of TP after the first wipe...

Just painting that starfish brown with lavish strokes

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