The lighter side of ADHD
I didn't figure out I had ADHD until my kids started getting diagnosed with it. All 3 have it, and I swear they got it worse than I did.
But growing up was fucked. Getting punished and beaten on the daily while everyone around me was getting away with murder was frustrating to say the least.
So you still wanted the kids? It didn't cause you to hesitate? I knew very early that I wouldn't have kids. Could be because my mother told us that kids ruin your life, though.
Yeah. They're great... but it feels like we're doing way more work than most parents. I feel that school bullying has had a 90% reduction since I was a kid and that's with my kids going to the same school I did.
The doctors told my wife that her biological clock was ticking way faster than most, so I had 3 kids by age 30. The doctors were a bit reluctant to give me the snip at 31 before they realised I was 3 kids deep already.
You're not the only user who has mentioned bullying. Were you bullied in relation to ADHD or was it a separate issue?
I got diagnosed at 39. The teachers didn't give a shit when I was a kid. They all thought I was the problem.
The bullying stopped towards the end of highschool when all the dropkick kids dropped out.
Congrats and good luck!
I'd rather adopt instead of pass on this tarnished gene (assuming it's heredity).
It's not like it's all bad, but anyone with a bad enough case can apply to be classified a disabled person in my country.
Why would I want my child to have that?
Adoption get's a kid out of the system and maybe even flourish in the society (more than me lol)
Ps: Except for standing out in the school hall, some bullying (bad enough) and a bit of physical punishment early in my childhood (worst offense. Else my parents werent one to hurt me) I had a very nice childhood.
That is just what I think of my personal case. If you want to have children: I wish you all the best in this increasingly bleak future! And I hope it get's better.
Ya, I have PTSD from all the verbal abuse suffered from my parents and sister, which still continues to this day, even after I have been diagnosed, explained extensively what they did wrong (which my parents acknowledged), and demonstrated how with treatment I can now absolutely kill it at life. They just don’t get it, or have any idea how to stop their horrible behavior, despite numerous lengthy very specific instructional talks, and I’m pretty sure just don’t think they are doing anything wrong. My father definitely doesn’t, because he is a malignant narcissist with his own horrible ADHD, about which he has asked for behaviors to help correct himself, but which he simply cannot implement because he is SO far gone with crazy strong mental blocks, and even on 75mg of Vyvanse he is useless and horrible. I have been living with them for the last 15 months, and am losing my mind, and am closing on my first house in 2 weeks, which is VERY far away from them, and I have refused to disclose its location.
All that said, I would like to have a kid, because I feel that with the right support that I could provide, a kid with gifts like mine would excel immeasurably, and it would make me very happy to help someone to do that.
You're going to do great! Good luck with escaping the father! Yikes!
and am closing on my first house in 2 weeks, which is VERY far away from them, and I have refused to disclose its location.
Good for you! This is also how I deal with my family.
Remember. It's a spectrum. You can be diagnosed with ADHD and feel strongly either way. It might not have anything to do with ADHD.
By the time I was 9, I decided life was not worth living and have not changed my mind at 45 years old. [...] I still feel like no one wants me around.
While this is a side effect of the trauma precipitated by people treating you badly due to your ADHD, and depression is common with ADHD... this level of depression is not inherent to ADHD, and I'd posit that the depression type stuff has more to do with your feelings on children than your ADHD directly does.
I think there's a lot of people choosing not to have children due to depression and other issues of mental health leading them to feel like bringing a child into this world would be cruel.
Mid 30s, ADHD diagnosis when I was six, been on the same meds for it since 18. Medicated for depression starting around a decade ago. Medicated for anxiety for around five years. Narcisist ADHD mother, neglectful ADHD father (both undiagnosed). Grandfather was highly likely autistic.
Two year old daughter and another on the way. Determined not to repeat my parent's mistakes and abuse. Daughter is the light of my life, best decision I've ever made.
Do you feel that your early diagnosis and subsequent treatment adjusted your behaviors at a young enough age such that you escaped the rejection sensitivity dysphoria effect?
Edit: Congrats, btw!
Some of us have shit genetics. Yeah I'm 6 feet tall, strong as an ox, etc, but the mental issues that were handed to me I would never want to pass on. Both my parents died in their early 60s.
With the executive dysfunction I have combined with clinical depression and being short on work, most days I don't even bother to take a shower.
As the father of a recently-diagnosed ADHD daughter... Stay strong 😅 it's still rewarding but there may be times where you're tempted to question your resolve
I don't have some unique perspective, but I have ADHD and kids.
I struggled with ADHD my whole life, thought I was just lazy and incompetent, and then I got diagnosed as an adult. I got on meds, worked through some of my issues a little I guess, and mostly got my life together. Standard ADHD story.
Twelve years later my wife and I had our first kid. Seven months from now, we'll be welcoming our third.
I always wanted kids, but in a vague sort of way. I thought maybe later in life it would be an answer to my cosmic dread and fear of death. I didn't have strong personal feelings about it, but I always figured I'd have them.
I love them so much. I'm stressed and frustrated a lot of the time, but overall I'm happy.
You're going to do great! Hang in there!
We live in a crazy society with every moment regimented. Every inch of land "belongs" to someone, you have to do endless paperwork just to be allowed to live. You almost can't even have hobbies unless someone is making money off it
The way I see it, if we fix the world then technology will continue to leap forward. Then in 70 years or so I'll take a couple decades to completely dedicate myself to raising children, hopefully in a healthy world full of life
If not, I'm not dragging anyone else into this mess.
well said!
Well I didn't get diagnosed until after I had kids and they started to get diagnosed, then my wife finally got diagnosed... So yeah it's all 5 of us. But I was diagnosed with dyslexia as a kid. So my wife jumped on it early. With each kid she used a program called "Children Learn Reading" to teach them to read before kindergarten. Then she got them in a program called "Let's Make Music" and had them playing piano by 5 or 6. Those combined with meds, has made my kids lives so much better than what I had. I was the lazy or dumb kid that wouldn't apply himself. My kids are seen as bored geniuses, that aren't challenged enough. The same behavior that got me yelled at and kept in from all the recesses, gets them self directed study and more interesting courses.
Everything is about optics.
That's an incredible difference. Makes you wonder just how many of us could have done much more if people were educated properly.
Yeah, I lucked out and got my dad's "who the fuck are you to tell me who I am?" genes. So I rebelled by succeeding. And then scored another huge lucky win by bumping into my wife at a party and then working on her for 3 years to finally admit that she loved me. Those kids are going to have amazing lives and it's 99 percent their mom being fantastic.
I rebelled by succeeding, too. It worked out for me.
Honestly: Good job!
I definitely feel like kids would be too much for me to handle, and grew up with untreated undiagnosed ADHD till 34. Am 39 now.
You might have CPTSD in addition to ADHD
I've thought about that, but the definitions online seem to only include serious traumas that I have not been through.
complex trauma is due to many smaller events occurring over a long period of time, usually during childhood but also during a relationship. "serious" traumas are not necessary
I was rarely if ever punished, at most they took away my PS2 for an hour or so despite my fledgling shit grades at best, and me stopping all homework from grade 5. I had a pretty happy childhood as a single child of a happy, loving, married family, my parents were relatively well off. The only dark note was being beaten frequently in primary school, but I made up with the bullies later.
I have no mental health issues and have never really had any, despite suffering plenty in my mid to late teens from gender dysphoria and being thus rejected by those parents later and suffering to stay afloat in a foreign country, including a brief stint as a poly-drug addict to fight panic attacks over being fired by a bigoted boss on whom my visa depended after she tried to fire me on my day off for having a migraine.
I still don't want kids.
I relate to the excessive punishment sho, I was kicked out of multiple schools, even though I didn't do too bad academically. But my thoughts on having children, as much as I've thought about it as an idea, not ever seriously, it's something that obviously requires all of your time, effort and a huge commitment, and I worry about whether I am actually able to raise my yute the way I would want myself to, as much as we'd all want to raise our kids to achieve the things we weren't able to.
I understand how me having ADHD makes my future kids more genetically predisposed to having it as well, but I personally worry less about that than how I myself am able to raise them, since having ADHD myself I'd be able to pick up symptoms much earlier and try my hardest give them the support I never got for most of my childhood.
other than paddling, same. exactly.
i know that even if i could manage myself well enough to be a good parent, other kids and adults absolutely cannot be trusted to treat my child humanely, whether my child is ND or not.
society continues proving this point every single day....
No, I just don’t punish my kids excessively.
And if someone paddled them I’d smack seven shades of shite out of them.
I definitely have no desire to have biological children of my own. I'm not making someone else live through my life, school was hell and teachers went out of their way to make my life in particular worse. my family has extensive mental health and other medical issues as it is. My genetics do not need to be passed on.
Weirdly though, I don't think I'm as opposed to raising a kid as i once thought I was. Being able to help someone grow as a person, show them all the cool stuff in the world, pass along useful life skills, make cool memories, encourage them to pursue what they like, set them up for a successful life, etc. That and the eventual point where you can share a fucked up sense of humor (i can play cards against humanity with both my parents and its awesome)
Too late.
And I'm bloody proud of em.
I've thought of having kids occasionally, and have largely decided it is not a good idea. However, I decided that if I ever did have kids, I would need to meet a number of requirements first.
Beyond providing basic necessities like food and shelter, the most important thing a parent can do for their child's happiness and well being is be happy. The parent needs to show their child, through their everyday actions, how to deal with adversity with grace and how to enjoy normal days with happiness and gratitude. While these things may be achieved via sufficient mental training - like hours of meditating per day - likely the more efficient path is to ensure their own higher-level needs are met.
The parent should feel secure in their ability to provide for themselves and their family, even in times of economic turmoil. They should feel their work is not just tolerable, but generally enjoyable and meaningful. They should have a large support network of friends and family with whom they can interact regularly. They should be be generally physically strong and healthy, and able to maintain that level of health easily - barring outside sickness or physical trauma. They should have the time and resources to engage in enjoyable and meaningful hobbies. They should have the time and resources to participate in their larger social communities' gatherings such as festivals, time spent in the bar meeting strangers, or town hall meetings.
And then the child needs to be cared for. The child needs to be fed healthy food; be given stimulating activities to engage in; be provided with ample opportunities to interact with peers; and be given support and guidance not only with object-level tasks like homework, but with emotional issues around navigating social interactions, learning to appreciate necessary rote tasks, maintaining a regular routine, and finding what is personally meaningful to them. And the child also must be given ample unsupervised time where they can be alone or interact with peers (while not staring at a screen), so they can learn to be independent and self-motivated.
So basically my requirement is to form a commune of like-minded people that is walking distance from a small city's walkable downtown, which has a transit line to a large city's downtown, where everyone involved has a common understanding of the responsibilities of shared childcare, and also everyone is financially secure enough such that they don't need to work full time. Further benefits of community organization would include reduced food costs via economies of scale, reduced labor burden of chores like cooking and cleaning, and social support for shared activities like exercise, sleep, and focusing on mental health.
But I have to say, this seems quite unlikely, so I almost certainly just won't have kids.
I believe this is physically achievable, but not possible in a world ruled by psychopaths. We have the resources, but there are assholes hoarding them all.
First of all, I'm truly sorry that you have had this experience. It hurts my soul that you, from the age of 9 have felt that life isn't worth living. I do hope you have had good moments too and life hasn't been all misery for you because fuck. That isn't how it should be for anyone!
As for myself, I will say that I do not have an official diagnosis, but display MANY ADHD symptoms, just in the more inward sort of way.
So for me, growing up, I was pretty good at being sort of invisible in school so i was never really yelled at, but i did get bullied a lot and i was projected to have a very low IQ by a couple of teachers which has stuck with me my whole life. I did experience a lot of rejection too both from peers but also from one of my parents. Later in life I have realized that almost everything about me that was rejected by others had to do with my symptoms.
I did think I would have kids someday, but I didn't want kids until I had a reasonable income and a house and neither ever happened to me. I also didn't want kids until I was mentally mature enough for it and that never happened either.
I love children and I'm really good with kids, but I will never be a mother. I cannot do that to them.
I can't give them a home nor financial stability and I cannot promise that will be a good parent either.
I am extremely scared of the idea of becoming a parent and then turning out to be a monster to my kid.
I don't want to be selfish. My self worth is in the dumpster when it comes to believing i would ever be good enough to be a parent. People used to not understand it. Sometimes they still don't.
But it is what it is. I'm not going to fuck up somebody else's childhood. Instead I can be an aunt to other people's kids and be useful that way. I think that is better.
You sound like me. My teacher put me in special education for Math. I now have a Math degree and two engineering degrees. I was just bored because I already knew Math and Reading when I went to school because my parents and sister taught me all that beforehand. They put me in a special reading group and were shocked when figuring out how well I could read before moving me to a group of kids with regular abilities.
I was ADHD and extremely unchallenged, and it was torture to sit in a chair bored all day until all the squirming got me beaten. Since I never listened to teachers because they had nothing new for me to hear, I also did not acquire listening skills that people get at that age. This has been a problem my whole life. I go in and out of conversations.
By the time I was in high school, I was doing Math homework in Geometry class while it was still being taught by the teacher and never had homework at night. There was no use in listening to him. It would never work, and so I read books to teach myself. When I got to engineering school, people were amazed that I never came to class and still made the grades I did. I never could figure out why they couldn't just read the book like me. Learning everything on my own was my only option, so I just did it that way.
Also, my friend is a genius, and he remembers people thinking he was low iq and putting him in special education too. Maybe they just think we're low iq because we can't communicate with lower iq adults when we're kids with those issues. Dang, it makes you wonder how often that happens to gifted or very capable kids who are misunderstood.
I, too, have been rejected by teachers, parents, family, etc. It's so hurtful. It's easier to work in a tech field sometimes because I think many of us have these same issues.
Good on you for not wanting to screw up a kid. For what it's worth, you sound self-aware enough to be a good parent. You're responsible for refraining from being a parent without the needed stability required. You sound thoughtful and nice. There is nothing wrong with being part of the village it takes to raise a kid rather than a parent. Good luck! Thanks for the reply!
Seriously, good on you and your friend for proving the negative assessments of your skills in childhood wrong! That is awesome!
I totally get what you mean about finding an environment where there are more people with quirky brains for lack of a better word. I'm in the same boat, but a different field. It is staggering just how many people are disordered or mentally ill in my field. So so sooooooo many ADHDers and people with autism. So many. In hindsight I realized that I have always vibed the absolute best with people who were a bit off. Most of my close friends throughout life have later been diagnosed with either adhd or autism. It is actually pretty crazy to think of. Like a friggin magnet, I always ended up in those crowds.
I also won't consider myself gifted or smart. It would be nice to be that, but I honestly think I'm average or a bit below.
I have my moments where I'm super fucking sharp, but most of the time I feel like a bumbling idiot, tbh. I learned to read and write etc very slowly. I was always a bit behind or just good enough to not be considered completely dumb. I was in an extra math class after school with other kids who were extremely bad at math but ended up being kicked out because I too good at math to be in that class. That doesn't mean I was good at math, I was just just terrible enough to be in that class.
I only learned things if they interested me. When I realized that reading and writing gave me access to reading and writing stories, I learned to read and write very quickly. When I got into my country's version of high-school, I went from barely passable grades in math to pretty good grades because some of the math, exponential functions and stuff like that for some reason translated into fun on my brain.
I learned English (my second language) mostly because I became obsessed with a rather advanced novel when I was 17 and it only existed in English so I learned English by reading it. Before that, I had the most basic English skills.
It's always been like this. I only learn something if something else motivates me. I cannot just sit down and learn stuff if it bores me and most things tend to bore me until my brain randomly pics out one topic and goes "now this is your new oxygen for the next few days weeks or months. I dunno, I don't have timeline, but until I say otherwise, this is the most interesting thing in the world".
I have a few skills that are above average but for the most part I'm a very ignorant kinda dumb person. I did get an IQ test when I was a young teen but I don't trust the results. The only positive that came out of getting tested like that was that my teachers dropped the topic of me being retarded, but I still don't trust those results. At all.
Thank you for the compliment, btw! I try my best to be a kind person to other people and I definitely see myself as a small part of the village. That is the type of role I feel suits me the best in any community because I tend to pop in and out of existence constantly. Super present and there some days and then hiding in my hole while recovering other days, lol. Social stuff equally sustains and drains me. There's no middle ground xD
I think it can go either way. This sort of thinking is based a lot more on your life experience than your genetics.
I think I have terrible depression and that it is genetic. It could be based on that. This is a good exercise to do because all this feedback is telling me that my lack of desire to have kids could be related to the ADHD, but that ADHD usually does not dissuade folks from parenting much of the time, so therefore something else is likely a larger factor in my attitude about motherhood.
As awful as yours and other may have experienced, I have trust that society and my own opinions of ADHD have progressed. I’m sorry for your experience and what you went through. I also was diagnosed in adulthood but I had little to no issues growing up. The education system isn’t nearly as regimented or abusive as it was back then. Paddling and hurting children physically doesn’t happen at public schools anymore. I grew up in the late 90s and early 00s and it was certainly a topic for little kids to talk about who or who didn’t have ADHD and how their medicine affected them. Maybe is still wasn’t fair and some parents or teachers mishandled it but at least it was an open conversation for most. The support system and way I will parent my child will come from a place of support and understanding. There are many more studies and books, etc to help now. I try and hope for future or else I would just crumble into lazily making the planet worse through apathy.
Yeah, I grew up with parents that didn’t believe in adhd despite my diagnosis and they were pretty harsh. I got bullied at school too, but my school was really big so I just got exiled to the group of other adhd kids and still had plenty of friends. Im definitely fucked up from it all, but I think I’ve grown a lot and learned about managing it and have become way better at giving emotional support than my parents.
So, I think I still want to have kids. My main hesitation is just my current financial situation as well as the generally bleak outlook of the world. Hopefully by the time I decide I’m stable enough to have kids, things will be better.
I'm in that weird position where I definitely get baby fever being around my nieces and nephews. But also I know I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I did. Idk, maybe if I could guarantee they wouldn't have adhd it would be an easier choice
I'm opposed to human reproduction. There are so many bad reasons to have a child, but I'm not sure there are any good ones.