Ask Lemmy

Nice try, fed.

15 years ago I'd believe you were a teenage edgelord, but even they are more savvy than this, nowadays.

I am unemphatetic. Like, fully. I also don't trust no one, family or stranger, same shit, gotta work for my trust and even then it's not normal.

Due to that I am not giving a shit to human life. Peoole around me die and I am just...meh.

Also prolly due to that I am cruel. I hate being cruel, but once I start I get weird rush and cannot stop. Physically move away from me tho and I am gonna speedrun joy to guilt.

And I don't care who reads it, not illegal and I am overwriting all of this with my mind, just being conscious of it and working around it. People don't notice all that, so I mus be doing at least somewhat good job xD

Nice try, CIA, nice try. You'll never catch me.

No one understand how I struggle hour by hour to not become violent. It's medical and I have almost no control over when it will arise

I have done very well, only ever let myself go once in my life and have regretted it ever since.

Whenever I tell people they assume I'm trying to be an edgy badass when really I am so fucking tired of having to isolate myself for most of my life for other people's safety and so fucking lonely because any IRL friend that hangs around me enough is going to see an episode and ghost me.

Add on top of that literally every social outlet I've had has been whittled away.

I don't WANT to be an angry person. I like peace and cats and relaxing music. I'm a pacifist and would have been a conscientious objector had I been drafted. I have general goodwill towards most people unless they prove themselves unworthy. I give even proven liars the benefit of the doubt because I want to see the best in people but nearly every minute of my life a part of my fucking mind is on overdrive looking for a reason to break someone's arm.

I have spent decades learning how to make myself look small and nonthreatening and I wear it like a mask all the time because when I walk the way my brain wants me to walk I get called into HR for no fucking reason

I have never threatened anyone, never even spoke loudly more than a handful of times but I have lost SEVEN FUCKING JOBS because HR tells me 'You're making people in the workplace uncomfortable'

I have discussed all the dark parts of myself with close friends and therapists. It was good to do. It wasn't easy.

No, I won't discuss it publicly.

Let’s be honest—anonymity is a powerful thing.

Anonymity on the Internet is about as strong as the lock on your door. A sufficiently motivated individual will be straight through it with barely a thought.

Nice try Mass Surveillance agency!

Because of the medication I'm on and basically having PTSD from relationships, I'm pretty numb to feeling anything. I feel love for my dear friends and their kids, and my dog and my aunt, but I'm just numb to all the shit my ex does, who I still have to live with, I have really no feelings towards my parents except disdain and vague pity, and anything bad or good that happens I'm super flat to, and even find the bad things sometimes a bit funny. The meds help in that I don't have spiralling anxiety attacks anymore at all which is wonderful, but I'm pretty detached, and while it's often super helpful, sometimes it worries me that when I finally can not live with my narcissistic ex anymore I won't get depth of emotion back. I worry he's destroyed it for good.

Yeah, no.

I told the person who sells Raycons to advertise on YouTube and Podcasts back when they were looking for help on advertising and just starting up.

They then did that.

I miss AskLemmy being about asking questions.

What happened between me and that man in Reno stays between us.

Nice try anyway, fed.

Since nobody else seems inclined to share the deep darks of their life, I will.

Due to a childhood of neglect, I tend to ruin baby animals left in my care. Not because I want to, but because I’m not nurturing at all. Not even a slight tiny bit. I keep them alive and unharmed just fine, that I can do. But that’s about all I’ve got.

I’ve had a few cats that I’ve acquired as kittens and by the time they hit adulthood they hate everything. The first time I didn’t realize it was me, and I had a cranky bitch who hated everyone and everything but me.. for 16 years.. after the last time I know it must be me. Because cats from the same litter went to my partner and theirs are super nice and friendly, and mine.. one gets so upset seeing other strange cats that she misplaces her aggression and goes after her sister until her sister pees herself running away. It fucking sucks, and I wish I was better for them.

The dog I got as a puppy was poorly socialized, as well, but I wasn’t able to keep her past the first year (pitbull in an apartment, but she was just friendly as hell, not mean or aggressive)

My quail were about ready to see me as mama, same with the chickens, even nestling in my hands to fall asleep, and now they don’t like me.. (that one is probably a reach-down problem, they like me a lot better when I reach in at them instead of down from above, but still)

So except where necessary, like farm animals, I avoid getting babies. I’m sterile for this reason as well. I don’t want to pass on my fucked up neglected childhood, even to animals.

In my case, I'd say I enjoy receiving verbal and physical abuse. I'm not just referring to something sexual, but more generally. I've realized that it's something that motivates me and makes me feel good. I don't know if it's sadomasochism, but in many instances in my life, I've found myself in total ecstasy when someone hits me or insults me.

However, it's something circumstantial. I don't see it as something I'm constantly seeking, like a fetish. It's more like a personal trait—something that’s very much a part of me and makes me feel really good.

I haven't revealed the darkest one to anyone for a good reason and I sure aren't going to do it here.

However, another one came to mind which I'm not sure is dark or just weird but you know that noise a panicing pig makes? I get some weird enjoyment from it. Not when it comes to any other animal but only pigs. In all other situations seeing an animal or human panic that way would make me want to stop what ever is causing it and I do consider myself overall highly empathic person but pigs get none of that. It's not that I have some urge to hurt them but rather that squeaking just doesn't get any empathy from me.

Admittedly though, I sometimes want to stomp small yapping dogs as well so there's that too.

To contrast this: I don't hurt spiders, I catch flies alive and take them outside, I euthanize silverfish on my glue traps because I don't want them to suffer more than necessary and I don't trap mice from my attic because I don't want to kill them. Go figure.

I eat cheese at midnight.