this post was submitted on 21 Feb 2024
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Alabama Supreme Court Set to Decide Constitutionality of Pulling Out (thehardtimes.net)
submitted 10 months ago by Nero@sopuli.xyz to c/theonion@midwest.social
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[–] octopus_ink@lemmy.ml 80 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Damn I ate this for about ten seconds. The onion should not be so damn believable.

[–] Kyrinar@lemmy.world 13 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Same, there's been so much crazy shit lately I was 100% ready to believe this. Glad to be wrong

[–] jaybone@lemmy.world 5 points 10 months ago

For now.

[–] Zachariah@lemmy.world 75 points 10 months ago (1 children)

🎶

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted

God gets quite irate

🎶

[–] joyjoy@lemm.ee 66 points 10 months ago (3 children)

Let's check what the Bible has to say about this.

Genesis 38:9-10

  1. But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother.
  2. What he did was wicked in the LORD’s sight; so the LORD put him to death also.
[–] Assman@sh.itjust.works 50 points 10 months ago (2 children)

taking notes

Do not.. cum.. on the ground..

[–] 100_kg_90_de_belin@feddit.it 17 points 10 months ago (3 children)

Is cumming on the bedside table alright with the Lord?

[–] HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world 12 points 10 months ago

Just as long as you don't use the Lord's denture cup

[–] Assman@sh.itjust.works 11 points 10 months ago

Idk but definitely not under your desk. He hates that

[–] WarmSoda@lemm.ee 10 points 10 months ago

No. Only the face. Or the neck, for the holy pearly necklace.

[–] Bakachu@lemmy.world 10 points 10 months ago

So its like the lava game then. But for your dick.

[–] TurtleTourParty@midwest.social 42 points 10 months ago (2 children)

His dad was asking him to impregnate his brother's widow but he's like nah I'll just screw her for fun. So he dies...

Then later she disguises herself as a prostitute, and gets pregnant by his dad. Apparently this is okay...

[–] veroxii@aussie.zone 21 points 10 months ago

Sweet home Judeabama.

[–] xilliah@beehaw.org 11 points 10 months ago (3 children)

I have so many questions about that disguise

[–] TurtleTourParty@midwest.social 6 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (1 children)

She just covered her face... I mean I guess he hadn't seen her for years but still, it seems like he should have recognized her voice at least.

Although in Genesis 27 Isaac tricks his father into thinking he is his brother by putting goat skins on his hands and neck.

I guess old men were easily tricked back then.

[–] RamblingPanda@lemmynsfw.com 2 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Basically it was just a beard.

[–] jaybone@lemmy.world 19 points 10 months ago (1 children)

But was it the pulling out part or the sleeping with his brothers wife part?

[–] Municipal0379@lemmy.world 9 points 10 months ago

Spilling his seed on the floor. Can’t get them floors dirty!

[–] SpaceNoodle@lemmy.world 23 points 10 months ago

Don't give them any ideas.

[–] Maeve@kbin.social 18 points 10 months ago

Was thinking about men who self-pleasure, but they’re men. If they want wage slaves badly enough, will they resort to Old Testament rules wrt this? A lot of already born are going to suffer and die, either way.

[–] LEDZeppelin@lemmy.world 11 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Pulling out is now a felony in Alabama

[–] omxxi@feddit.de 3 points 10 months ago (1 children)

jerking too?

[–] Bakachu@lemmy.world 5 points 10 months ago

No that's a misdemeanor. But only if you demonstrate intent. Up to the police to decide.