this post was submitted on 06 Sep 2023
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Ask Lemmy

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[–] jet@hackertalks.com 48 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (2 children)

Don't touch anything. Leave the area immediately.

Call 911, report the event. Call a lawyer immediately. Right after 911. If there is time I'd notify my immediate family. Ask them to coordinate with the lawyer, and my work, in case I'm not available.

Wait until I have representation before giving a statement to the police. This will be super duper hard to do, but I'll just keep saying "my lawyer is XXX, I will only make a statement with my lawyer. I'm using my right to remain silent until then"

Have my lawyer contact the next of kin. Work with home owners insurance to iron out any issues.

If not in jail help organize the funeral arrangements with my friends family. Hire biohazard cleaners to clean house, stay outside the house until that's resolved.

Have a monk or priest come by to bless the house again and put any spirits to rest. (just in case)

[–] Godnroc@lemmy.world 22 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Thorough! Jet's Checklist for Dealing with Spontaneous Combustion sounds like a lore item in a game.

[–] Mellow12@sh.itjust.works 5 points 1 year ago

Also very similar to a home defense shooting situation.

[–] cubedsteaks 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

why did this play out like the most bitchin suspense thriller in my mind just now?

[–] jet@hackertalks.com 5 points 1 year ago (1 children)
[–] cubedsteaks 3 points 1 year ago

There's also an episode of Unsolved Mysteries where people reported spontaneous combustion.

[–] WhereGrapesMayRule@lemmy.world 44 points 1 year ago (3 children)

Cordless stick vacuum. Roomba's don't do as well with ash because of the spinning brush.

[–] Stern@lemmy.world 10 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Feel like thats a broom and dustpan situation, both due to likely quantity of ash, and wanting to preserve them with minimal contamination for a urn or just ash spreading disposal.

If I order urns on Amazon, does that send someone a red flag email you think?

[–] DontAskAboutUpdog@lemmy.world 5 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Actually ordinary household vacuums are notoriously bad at sucking ashes from human remains. There are special vacuums for fireplaces and such that do way better job, Id recommend one of these

How do you know this?

Shit, you're right. Also, has this happened before?

[–] uservoid1@lemmy.world 35 points 1 year ago (2 children)

I would probably never invite them ever again

[–] Bitrot@lemmy.sdf.org 4 points 1 year ago

Quite cheeky to leave behind such a mess.

I mean, they died in your house, the ghost lives there now. That's how it works.

[–] Track_Shovel@slrpnk.net 19 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Get a broom and a dust pan

[–] Skotimusj@lemmy.ml 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)
[–] Track_Shovel@slrpnk.net 1 points 1 year ago

Glad I'm not the only twisted one.

[–] Annoyed_Crabby@monyet.cc 16 points 1 year ago

Google or ask on !asklemmy about the price of vampire dust and how to preserve it.

[–] Sludgehammer@lemmy.world 14 points 1 year ago

If The Sims has taught me anything it's that you should A) Freak out, B) Cry over the tombstone that suddenly appeared out of nowhere, C) Flirt with the personification of death that appears to reap the soul of your guest, D) Rate the party as a real downer and belittle the person throwing the party.

Bonus points for wetting yourself at some point during the whole ordeal.

[–] Meho_Nohome@sh.itjust.works 12 points 1 year ago

I would proceed to the kitchen and pour me a whiskey.

[–] PolydoreSmith@lemmy.world 12 points 1 year ago

No body, no crime. Scatter that shit and hit the bar.

[–] moipe@lemmy.world 10 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Look, I invited him in and we had a wonderful time until dawn. Is it my fault the blackout curtains weren't closed all the way? Yes. Will Dracula be pissed? Only if he can regenerate from being disintegrated. The relationship was just getting a little too claustrophobic for my liking.

[–] MyFairJulia@lemmy.world 7 points 1 year ago

Hi, i'm Saul Goodman and did you know that you have rights? The constitution says so and so do i.

[–] Steamymoomilk@sh.itjust.works 10 points 1 year ago

Dustpan, then jack daniels

[–] LaunchesKayaks@lemmy.world 8 points 1 year ago

I'd sweep them up before my dogs could eat them

[–] Kolanaki@yiffit.net 7 points 1 year ago

Freak the hell out cuz how the shit are the authorities gonna believe what actually happened?

[–] shinigamiookamiryuu@lemm.ee 6 points 1 year ago

I would contemplate if anyone would think I murdered them and accommodate.

Hopefully they're easy enough to vacuum out of a carpet...

[–] bradorsomething@ttrpg.network 6 points 1 year ago (1 children)

“Would any of the rest of you like to try the garlic canapés with holy water based dressing?”

Oh right, electrolyte water + blessing at grace, that must have made it holy water.

[–] PsychedSy@sh.itjust.works 5 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Maybe steal a pinch or two and call 911. Eat some ashes with some mushrooms later.

[–] FizzlePopBerryTwist@lemmy.world 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

What the... are you trying to become a vampire too or just a weird cannibal?

[–] PsychedSy@sh.itjust.works 2 points 1 year ago

Option A. I mean if they have cool powers I'll take some.

[–] eldoom@lemm.ee 5 points 1 year ago

I'd probably go to bed because I am clearly not awake and this must be a dream.

[–] rmuk@feddit.uk 4 points 1 year ago

"Hey Google, start the Roomba."

[–] NeoNachtwaechter@lemmy.world 4 points 1 year ago

I open my eyes and wake up from the nightmare.

[–] Jax@sh.itjust.works 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

"God damnit, not again. " Proceeds to get broom and dust pan

Wait, how many vampires have died in your house?

[–] 6mementomori@lemmy.world 4 points 1 year ago

freak out and talk about it with people before it potentially happens to me too and maybe start a livestream so if it does happen it'll happen on live even though nobody will probably believe it

[–] Destraight@lemm.ee 3 points 1 year ago

I would yell and scream because someone caught on fire in my house

[–] gasgiant@lemmy.ml 2 points 1 year ago
[–] over_clox@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I'd get a fork, a knife, and some BBQ sauce, duh.

Dang, Lemmy has some unusual cannibals lurking

[–] CapnAssHolo@sh.itjust.works 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

What's their Ouija board number?

[–] Capricorny90210@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago

Scrape the food onto my plate.

[–] kozel@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago

Drop a drop of blood on the ashes to resurrect them. And ask them to carry the vampire first-aid-kit next time.