cosecantphi

Even when I get bouts of loneliness, the desire to make friends is quickly snuffed out when I proceed to think about all the effort it would take to not only go out and meet people, but how big of a pain in the ass it is to be a present friend who doesn't let connections just fade away.

Like, I know I'm capable of maintaining friendships if I care enough about someone, but in practice have neither interest nor energy enough to do it even when it's something I know I want in the abstract. None of my hobbies are really social in nature, so they haven't been a vector to meeting people I might actually be interested in knowing.

I was thinking this might just be a depression thing, but I've been like this my whole life, and the only close friends I've ever had were all a result of people intentionally becoming my friend, putting in all the initial effort until I became attached enough to care about staying friends. I do kinda feel like an asshole for this, like what kinda socialist is this much of a recluse? But I'm not really sure where I'd even start on working through this.

I started working at this place as a cashier just a couple weeks ago and then of fucking course this happens. Last Tuesday as I was leaving work my boss told me he'd call me tomorrow with the coming week's schedule. He didn't, but the online scheduling app was updated the next day with all my shifts for the next two weeks.

So I figured that was just signifying the end of my training or whatever and that they'd finally slotted me into the schedule. But today when I looked at the schedule again I saw all of my hours were gone.

I called this morning to find out what the fuck was going on and my boss told me he thought I had quit because I didn't show up to one unscheduled shift he called me in for last Thursday morning. I must've missed his calls that day, he says he left two voicemails but my phone must've eaten them because I didn't see those either.

I was profusely apologetic over the phone, but he told me that he'd already hired two new employees. He didn't outright fire me, he said I'd be "on call" from now on, but this is a shitty seasonal job, I don't have high hopes I will be hearing back.

This is fucking bullshit. I had to buy the fucking uniform myself. Now I'm back at square one, and I have not the slightest inkling how the hell I'm supposed to go the rest of my life continuously subjecting myself to the dehumanization and humiliation of job searching all to work minimum wage for asshole small business tyrants like this guy and my previous employer.

The cherry on top is that once again I'm pretty sure I didn't work long enough to qualify for unemployment payments, same thing happened at my last job where I was laid off via ghosting. I can never quite say it enough, but fuck this piece of shit country.

-They can't tattle on you to a mod when you tell them to go fuck themselves (as long as you spell it f*ck so youtube doesn't just shadow delete the comment as soon as you post it).

-The youtube comment downvote button is not connected to anything, it's literally a placebo. So other chuds can't join in to anonymously downvote your comment into oblivion, killing engagement.

-They can't even dogpile you because of the confusing clusterfuck of however youtube comment threads work.

So you get a level of access to a random chud or lib that is impossible on any large reddit thread, and that gives you a chance to push their buttons to the point they take their mask off and lay at you. Then when you've had your fun, you bring the conversation back to where it started and inevitably your chud ends up looking rabid and deranged to any bystanders.

Unfortunately there probably are no bystanders because no one wades through 100s of comment replies on youtube. In fact, it at times feels designed specifically to prevent people from having coherent discussions because there is no way to view the most recent replies other than scrolling and clicking "show more replies" every 10 or so comments, so I guess I answered my own question, but it is fun to let off some steam at a chud without the internet hall monitors shadow banning you.

Unironically love this. The addition of Pumpkin Hill completely changes the subtext from "wow Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton were so cool being the ones to decide unilaterally on this country's future, I hope to be like them one day" to "wow, this is fucking horrifying that the foundations of our country were decided unilaterally and totally off the historical record by these shitheads"

The terrorists are entirely justified in their violent resistance against the obviously evil and genocidal Britannian empire, which is something of a stand in for both the British Empire and the US.

The annoying liberal deuteragonist bumbles around for 2/3 of the show being a supersoldier for the Britannian Empire while constantly making these bizarre self righteous arguments that Lelouch's rebellion is just too darn mean and violent, we have to support the Britannian Empire's rule of law just a while longer guys! The longer this goes on, the more and more his world view crumbles around him as basically nothing goes to plan for this liberal who is just incapable of grappling with material reality. He ends up following his sense of liberal morality all the way to accidentally killing millions with a Britannian wunderwaffe nuke. This leads him on his jokerification arc wherein he realizes the error of his ways and actually supports Lelouch through the batshit last few episodes of this show.

Anyway, I can't recommend this show to anyone in year of our lord 2024 because it's obnoxiously, embarrassingly horny in a very mid 2000s anime way, because that's exactly what it is. But I'm imagining what could have been.

HBO tried to make the line go up by cutting two episodes off the second season in the midst of the writer's strike. Like no exaggeration, the season 2 finale ends in a way that makes it immediately obvious two more episodes were supposed to exist. They were simply truncated along with the all the payoff for many of this season's character arcs and plot lines.

One of the writers even made a statement that an eight episode season wasn't their decision. Unfortunately the news of that must have hit them too late in production to fully accommodate that in the writing.

Except on all the subreddits for this show, the prevailing opinion amongst dipshit redditors is that the writers are cutting book events to make time for LGBTQ asoiaf fanfiction.

While that'd be based if true, it's not. Like wtf? Do these people live in a different universe? Are they watching a different dragon show? Redditors ain't alright, man. These people watch the enshittification of media in real time, and their lack of media literacy results in them going on queerphobic witch hunts and throwing wild assignment of blame at anything but HBO and capitalism.

The reason I ask is because I'm autistic, but I wasn't diagnosed until I was 18 so I never received any kind of assistance growing up. And every time I've used an NMDA antagonist drug, I've experienced amazing relief from all of my sensory issues.

I've never tried Ketamine, but I have used DXM and Nitrous Oxide, both of which are also NMDA antagonists. It's like they partially sever the connection between the mind and the body. Nitrous Oxide isn't very useful for this because it only lasts a couple minutes before you need to redose, but even on lowish doses of DXM I feel totally unencumbered.

My sensory issues tend to take up a lot of cognitive load when I'm out in public and interacting with strangers, resulting in social anxiety. My whole life I've been too focused on the feeling of wanting to crawl out of my own skin too much to put any effort into being social, making friends, or having fun.

But on NMDA antagonists that all just goes away and I finally feel free and clear headed in a way I had never imagined possible. They literally just make me feel free to be me. Has anyone else here experienced something similar? Is there any existing research on this?

I've been catching up with season 2 and honestly it's not half bad. It has cut out the worst shitty (often gross and misogynistic in nature) excesses of the original show while still retaining most if not all of the great character writing and great dialogue that the first four seasons of GoT had.

There's all this great early GoT style political intrigue retained to it as well. All of these lords and ladies and queens and kings are just terrible, awful people for most of the runtime while we've been getting increasing focus on how badly the very concept of monarchy forces the dirty laundry of one inbred family with pet nukes to take shape and brutalize not only the slowly starving smallfolk of King's Landing, but also the smallfolk throughout most of the surrounding empire.

The Lords of the Seven Kingdoms all exist in this web of familial ties that ensures their ultimate class solidarity, eventually dragging most of the continent into dragon war the aftermath of which resembles that of atomic bombs. Now we find two desperate peasants given dragons because Queen in Exile Rhaenyra needs to find someone capable of vibing with Vermithor and Silverwing, the second and third largest war dragons in existence. She ends up burning to death dozens of claimed Targaryen bastards to do this by locking them all in the Dragonmont and letting the dragons sort the rest. She watches this happen with bored disinterest, in contrast to the horror on her face when her highborn Queensguard Steffon Darklyn dies in a previous attempt to claim the dragon Seasmoke.

[Brief Spoilers for book events in this paragraph]

I took three years of Spanish and got an A every semester. Even when it was still fresh in my mind, I was nowhere near able to hold even a very simple conversation. And now just a few years later it's all totally gone from my brain.

My mother's native language is Spanish and she never taught me, which I resent her for. But I still find it incredible how shitty my public school education in Spanish was. We really should be teaching kids a second language from kindergarten up.

I fucked up and accidentally threw the thing away, lost my id card and the wallet itself, but nothing else fortunately. I'm still in limbo between jobs after not qualifying for unemployment and genuinely have nowhere else to turn right now for small expenses like these whenever they come up. But I really do need to replace the id as soon as possible, I need it to pick up my prescription every month.

Any amount at all helps, I know others around here aren't doing very well either. I appreciate you all so much, I hope to pay the aid I've received here forward when I'm in a more stable position.

Only looking for something like 10 to 20 dollars if anyone wants to help out. My cashapp and venmo accounts are under the handle cosecantphi.

Edit: Goal reached! Thanks, comrade!

I swear to god, my mental health, self esteem, and confidence are flying to heights not seen since I graduated high school. That may be a low bar to clear, but I cleared it! I still want to lose another 30 pounds to reach my goal weight, but already I no longer feel ashamed when I look at myself naked in the mirror.