THE WORLD—Ready for the moment when they will rise up as one and fight to free themselves from tyranny, the world’s persecuted, exploited masses confirmed Monday they were only waiting for the right hot guy to emerge and lead them in revolution. “For too long we have been kept down, but no more: We are prepared to overthrow our oppressors just as soon as the mantle of liberator is taken up by the perfect man, who should be tall, well-built, and totally sexy,” said a representative speaking on behalf of the world’s poor, hungry, imprisoned, and enslaved, all of whom agreed they would stand up, throw off their shackles, and revolt when a broad-shouldered and thrillingly attractive leader came along and told them it was time. “The one thing that can unite us is a guy who has thick, gorgeous hair that is long but not too long and who has the ripped torso needed to look good without a shirt. In fact, this leader should never wear a shirt. Then, and only then—with a leader who knows it would be a shame to cover up a hot body like that—will the fundamental inequalities of our global society will finally be dismantled.” The masses went on to state that if the hot guy could also be a straight white guy most of them would be a lot more comfortable with that.

link: https://www.theonion.com/oppressed-exploited-masses-await-right-hot-guy-to-lead-1851015923

Apolitical bombshell is sending shockwaves throughout Washington, and it could dramatically alter the calculus determining which party takes the White House in 2024: Joe Biden just announced that he will not seek re-election very well.

Whoa! We’d certainly considered the possibility, but it’s still huge to hear it confirmed.

At a surprise Rose Garden press event today, President Biden told reporters that while he has been honored to serve his nation as Commander in Chief, he has made the difficult decision not seek a second presidential term even remotely competently. Citing factors like his advanced age and his weird and off-putting personal tics, Biden explained that he will instead spend the next year campaigning in a clumsy, haphazard manner, stumbling through his public appearances and making costly unforced errors at every turn. Though presidential incumbents historically tend to know what the hell they’re doing thanks to having won an election at least once, Biden said that after deep reflection on the matter, he’ll be amazed if he carries Massachusetts.

“My fellow Americans, I’ve come to the tough but unavoidable conclusion that my upcoming candidacy won’t have any kind of message or ground game or strategy at all,” said Biden in the address, adding that while this doesn’t necessarily mean he can’t win a second term, if he does, it’ll pretty much be by accident. “I know many of you were counting on me to mount a robust effort to hold onto the White House, but my time for shrewd political acumen has passed. Now, I begin the next chapter—completely ignoring key states like Wisconsin and Arizona, alienating as many voters as possible with bizarrely self-contradictory stances on major issues, and showing up to events either near-catatonic or tweaked out of my goddamn gourd. I wish to God I could run for re-election well, I really do, but sometimes a man has to face the facts and acknowledge that he’s gonna spend 50 seconds of a televised debate trying to remember the name ‘Barack Obama.’ Sorry in advance, and may God bless America.”

This changes everything we thought we knew about the race for the White House.

With Donald Trump’s legal woes suggesting the embattled former president may also end up not running very well, Biden’s announcement means we could end up seeing a deeply stupid rematch between two washed-up, completely out-to-lunch challengers. This isn’t the outcome most Americans were hoping for—70% of respondents to a recent Reuters poll said they’d prefer to run a candidate who won’t scare the fuck out of undecided voters by saying nonstop off-the-cuff insane shit that makes them sound like a maniac. But with Trump and Biden both indicating that they’re really going to shit the bed on this thing, it sounds like any coherent electoral strategies beyond hoping the other guy fucks up beyond belief or keels over from old age will have to wait until 2028, if we’re still doing elections then.

Wow, this announcement just blew the race for the presidency wide open. We’ll be watching closely to see just what kind of grave political miscalculations Biden has in store for us!

link: https://clickhole.com/major-announcement-joe-biden-just-announced-that-he-will-not-seek-re-election-very-well/

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to reframe the conversation by ending the discussion altogether, advocates across the country encouraged the public on Monday to stop using any term at all to refer to homeless people. “Given the widespread chronic issue of unhoused individuals, we recommend that people who want to discuss the homelessness problem in the United States refrain from making any reference to them whatsoever,” said activist Daniel Morganson, who added that instead of saying “homeless,” it would be far more acceptable to silently stare off into the distance. “Any mention of the homeless could be considered offensive, which is why it’s important for everyone to act like they don’t exist. We don’t want to risk humanizing them.” At press time, the advocates clarified that it was still okay to call the homeless “subhuman leeches on society.”

link: https://www.theonion.com/advocates-encourage-public-to-stop-using-any-term-at-al-1851012110

Some people remain vigilant when it comes to sharing germs and other contaminants. But this germaphobic lady is a little different: New York resident Willow Keaton-Levi refuses to drink tap water, but she’ll still let her dog lick her directly on the mouth!

“At least I know where my dog’s mouth has been,” said Willow, as her dog contorted to lick his butthole clean. “Who knows what kind of contaminants are in my tap water? I just like to be aware of what I’m putting into my body.”

We’re amazed that Willow is totally fine with her pup’s hot mouth but fearful of the pristine, highly regulated resevoir water that comes out of her New York City tap!

“At least I know what Laslo has going on in there,” said Willow, unaware that her dog eats cat shit out of the litter box. “Somebody else is in control of what goes into the drinking water, and there’s no way of telling how it’s managed what could potentially be added to it: fluoride, chlorine, maybe even raw sewage? It’s disgusting to even think about!”

“It doesn’t make any sense,” said Willow’s close friend Tina Michtler. “New York is literally renowned for its tap water but she’ll spend like $50 a week on bottled water then straight-up French kiss her dog.”

“She lets Laslo stick his tongue down her throat but I’ve seen her go thirsty rather than drink a glass of sink water,” added Matt Gifford, another pal. “I mean, more power to her, but I’m definitely never gonna share a straw with her.”

But Willow is confident she knows what’s best for her.

“Anyone can just stroll up to our watershed and taint it with something horrible,” said Willow, as her dog absentmindedly mouthed a tattered tennis ball. “I’m just not open to taking that risk.”

“Besides, it’s scientifically proven that dogs have cleaner mouths than humans,” she added.

It sure isn’t, Willow!

link: https://reductress.com/post/cool-this-woman-will-let-her-dog-lick-her-on-the-mouth-but-wont-drink-tap-water/

Thanksgiving is a great opportunity to reconnect with family over a delicious meal, but what if your family members still don’t accept you for who you are? If you want to finally win your family over while also finally gaining their approval of your queer and/or poly lifestyle, keep reading for five Thanksgiving recipes that are so good your family will finally accept your sexuality!

Orange and Cinnamon Infused Cranberry Sauce

This zesty cranberry sauce will have everyone at your dining table commenting on how modern and interesting it is, just like your attraction to other women, which they previously thought was “just a phase,” but after trying this seasonal combination of spices and fruits, they just might reconsider!

Buttery Herb Stuffing

This recipe will bring your stuffing to a whole new level with freshly chopped sage, parsley, and rosemary. After your family takes a bite of this flavorful stuffing, they’ll realize that being gay isn’t a choice after all, and if there’s still ones who don’t, at least their mouths will be full!

Oven Baked Mac ‘n’ Cheese

Your family will be so head-over-heels for this cheesy dish with a crunchy topping that they won’t even care that the “friend” you brought to Thanksgiving this year is actually your girlfriend. They actually might even ask her about her life and her interests, because the spices in this mac ‘n’ cheese are just that damn good!

Sautéed Green Beans with Garlic

Sure, your mom’s side of the family still might not fully accept you for being gay, especially your aunt, but once they all taste these delicious green beans, they’ll definitely start to open up. Remember that nothing makes homophobic people more accepting than when you make their vegetables taste really good!

Baked Candied Yams

Nothing brings a Thanksgiving meal together better than the sweet and comforting taste of candied yams, and these ones will have your grandpa saying, “Wow, I didn’t realize lesbians could be so good in the kitchen,” which is kind of heartwarming, almost!

Everyone knows that the best way to your family member’s hearts is through their stomachs, and these Thanksgiving dishes are so good that your whole family will finally accept the fact that you’re not straight. They still won’t understand how you can be both a lesbian and polyamorous, but that’s a recipe for next year!

link: https://reductress.com/post/thanksgiving-recipes-so-good-your-family-will-accept-your-sexuality/

VANCOUVER -- Demand for professional counsellor Lorraine Novak has skyrocketed, thanks to her ability to make particularly empathetic “mmmm” sounds while her clients blab about their miserable lives.

“I’ve never felt so heard,” said client Paula Tanaka, after a session in which she described her feelings of loss over a recently ended relationship. “No matter how dark and personal I got, she’d say ‘mmmm’ in a way that sounded so understanding. Those fifty minutes were worth every penny of the $1750 she charged.”

“The technique is known as ‘following’” said Novak. “It’s something you learn in counselling school. A few years into my practice I experimented with ‘hmmmmm’ and ‘ahhhhhh,’ as my go-tos, and had a disastrous experience with ‘yyyyyyup.’ That’s what inspired me to go back to basics and up my game with ‘mmmmmm.’ Six months of mentor supervision and mouth exercises later, I’ve got wealthy nutcases tearing open their wallets for a session.”

“Following is more difficult than you might think,” said Angela Alvarez, program director at the Pacific Counseling Institute. “No matter how hard they try to refine their “mmmm” sounds, most counsellors sound like Yoda smelling a fresh lasagna.”

“You know what the best part is,” Novak asked. “I don’t even have a licence! I kept meaning to get one when I started out, but with all the emphasis on improving my mmmmmms, I never got around to it. When a rep from the [Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association] came asking about it, I used my mmmmmm-ing to lull her into revealing her most intimate issues, which led to a good cathartic cry. Now she does three sessions a week with me.”

The amenities of Novak’s practice don’t end with the sound she c an make with her throat and lips. Her office couch has silk memory-foam cushions for clients to scream into, five-ply tissues guaranteed to hold together after any meltdown caused by retellings of childhood miseries, and rorschach images by Banksy, each of which seems to have been modelled on my father’s penis.

link: https://www.thebeaverton.com/2023/11/expensive-therapist-makes-higher-quality-mmmm-sounds/

Each watch gets better. There's so much going on, and so on point.

From the Israel Palestine conflict down to the last 2 guys over a stray cat, to Gay Texas and the Florida Relandification Project, plus mind chip controlling the news broadcasting, packs of ferel children, the Indiana grim lands, and the lizard people of Arizonie...

Saw a guy at a gas station with a kid rock shirt and remembered this article

“Here’s how to end this once and for all: For the Palestinians, you confine them into two separate territories under duress, and for the Israelis, you give them an unlimited supply of weapons and funds. A positive outcome for both sides should come in a matter of days.”

LAWRENCE, Mass. — A new government report shows that unpaid child support rose nearly by half following the legendary butt rock band Godsmack’s recent tour announcement, concerned sources confirmed.