i'm harvesting a great crop of jelly beans today
it's my birthday this week and you have to post a lot okay? :^)
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the porn/sexuality stuff
Male gaze is why porn with trans women is so focused around humiliation. It's not really made for you, for the trans femme that enjoy it that's fine- it's just not their audience when they make it. Which is probably part of why it feels so much weirder for you. Cause it's, like, a disempowerment and humiliation thing for cis men (or eggs too but plenty of cis men are into sissy and forcefemme and then just go and be cis aftrr).There are some affirming porn videos (usually made by trans women) that were very very nice at a much more tender time for me lol. Very little of it even had much nudity, a lot more talking. I think therapeutic porn could be a thing but it's such a weird spot for me, cause part of what makes the porn industry so fucked up is the commodity nature of it and power hierarchy and patriarchal nature of it.
I bet you could find plenty of indie creators and pay them directly for what is both affirming for you AND titillating but, for me, the horizon of actually paying for it gives me such a weird off feeling... and it's not really a prude thing but it feels like doing harm to the person for some reason. Anyway if you don't have that hang up just check out clips4sale or onlyfans or whatever, you'll find PLENTY of people that are closer to what you want than trying to fish in a sea made for testosterone poisoned lonely cis men, you just gotta pay em for their labour.