I'll be blunt, it only came to me about a month ago, and I am still really going through the emotions right now.

In a weird sense, it sort of did come at one big moment when it really did click, but like, for the two-three months prior, i spent a ton of time really working on myself and trying to get at the root of why I felt so bad all the time. At first it was the obvious things, stop drinking so goddamn much and start going to the gym instead, trying really addressing what kind of emotions and trauma came from the alienation of growing up with the unremovable "kid from the special ed class" label. And I really did start working through my problems instead of burying them, but as I started really starting to address shit, all of the emotions that I just labeled as "child trauma, probably" really did start to not really add up. There was a missing ingredient that I couldn't just explain away by being bullied for being a weird kid when I was 9.

As I kept internally searching I kept feeling more and more... shook with myself, until finally one day it just... snapped into place. These emotions I'm feeling is dysphoria caused by me not liking my gender expression, and I can get rid of them by transing my gender

The day after I was visibly shook all fucking day. The closer I got to the egg cracking, the worse I was feeling, and when it cracked was when the floodgates really poured open. Those emotions, once finally reckoned with, all started to make sense

After going through the inventory of all of my past trauma, experiences, and emotions over the course of 3 months with a cis lense, I've started to do it again with a trans one, and it... really is explaining a lot more. I really was a lot more eggy than I admitted to myself

I have countless paragraphs more to say but my 10 minute break is up and I can only type so damn much on my phone. I can explain more later if you like