The part that really I can't get past is like how do you ever learn difficult things about yourself? How do you live with yourself not knowing if you can gain any knowledge about your own brain, what you want, etc.

I try to test if thoughts or feelings are ego dystonic or ego syntonic. But even that is pretty hard. It's pretty clear to me that, from when I was a kid I would fantasize about becoming a woman. It was idle thoughts but yeah, I definitely had recurring fantasies about it. Now if I look at the random intrusive thoughts that disgust me, that is not true. I don't fantasize about, say, running my car into pedestrians (I get this thought sometimes when I'm driving and sometimes it causes me to spiral). It scares the shit out of me that I think I could possibly be a psychopath. When I was scared of being trans, it has more to do with being scared I wouldn't be pretty or that people wouldn't take me seriously - things that are external to me.

But then finally, I have the thought... What if it's all cope? What if [obsession] is something I really want deep inside and I am in denial? What if I am a horrible person who might hurt people, or destroy all my relationships, or is selfish and awful and etc etc etc.

It's a nightmare tbh