traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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I feel like any time I post about being discouraged about my gender I get encouragement to transition, which is nice, but it’s not like I haven’t heard it before and it doesn’t help. Are there any trans people who just feel like transitioning is too much effort despite their gender causing them distress? I never hear anyone talk about this and it makes me feel like I’m somehow faking or deluding myself into thinking I’m trans when I’m not, especially because I have OCD.
Yeah, I've seen people post here about that. Some people are "okay" with their assigned gender even though they would prefer another. Some of these people don't transition because it's just too much work socially, financially, medically, legally, etc.
Despite occasional dysphoria flare ups, I myself could probably spend the rest of my life as a man and not, like, die.
Another very common thought that I feel and have seen posted here. I see and use this word "deluded" a lot.
Are you looking for people to encourage you to not transition instead?
Do you think a sort of limited transition or gender tweak might be good for you? Like, not fully transitioning but doing some of the gender expression you enjoy without all the pressure.
At the moment, I have no idea what I want. I have a couple presentation things that make me feel good. Other than that, the decision of whether or not to start HRT is tearing me apart. I simultaneously feel terrified to start and also like I’m missing out by not starting. Everyone who starts it seems to regret not starting it sooner.
I 100% feel every word you just wrote. I'm going through exactly that. I don't really know where I'll be in a year in terms of transition.
Let me tell you what's been helpful for me:
Dropping the labels. I've stopped asking myself if I'm a trans woman, femme guy, nonbinary, agender, demigender, bigender, etc. I'm just a person making some changes that make me happy.
Making slow, long term changes. Right now, I'm removing body hair with an at home IPL. This will take a couple months to complete, so it's not a snap decision, and I can stop if I'm ever uncomfortable. I'll go get laser removal on my face this summer, and that's the same story. If I'm happy with both of these things down the line, THEN I'll worry about HRT, but I'm not gonna stress about it now.
Is there maybe something for you that's less stressful than HRT that you could start doing more often to feel it out?
I figured out the dropping labels thing a while back. They’re more trouble than they’re worth at the moment. I was thinking about the at home IPL so maybe this is a sign that’s what I should look at next.
Cool!
There are also cheap/free/non-permanent things like voice training or growing/cutting your hair.
Hope you have fun with it
I'm also gonna say that OCD makes it extremely difficult to figure out what I want and what feelings and thoughts are "real" when it comes to being trans. I say this 8 months into medical transition
I’d be interested to hear more about this. It’s something I’ve struggled with but have never seen talked about except for vaguely on a Reddit post from 5 years ago.
Yeah, so with my OCD I have had multiple obsessions that I'm this or that, when I'm clearly not. I thought I was significantly mentally impaired, as in developmentally impaired, when I was 14 for like months, and nobody was telling me. I thought I was a psychopath (lol I have the opposite problem). I thought I was much worse things. I also would regularly convince myself that I had this or that illness,. I would obsess over this stuff for months and it always kinda felt the same. However, mixed into this was figuing out I was bi like 10 years ago. And then figuring out I was trans.
Now, I only kinda realized there was a word for what I was going through very recently , that is, OCD.
This totally fucked me up. Because now, I realize that the feeling I got when I realized I was trans could have been OCD. But then... Maybe it's not? But does that mean that my other moral OCD obsessions are real? Is me being afraid I'm cis my real obsession? I can't tell what's real.
That's basically what I'm talking about
God I relate to this so fucking hard. Especially these:
The amount that OCD is able to play on fear and doubt is hard to really get across to people who haven’t gone through it.
The part that really I can't get past is like how do you ever learn difficult things about yourself? How do you live with yourself not knowing if you can gain any knowledge about your own brain, what you want, etc.
I try to test if thoughts or feelings are ego dystonic or ego syntonic. But even that is pretty hard. It's pretty clear to me that, from when I was a kid I would fantasize about becoming a woman. It was idle thoughts but yeah, I definitely had recurring fantasies about it. Now if I look at the random intrusive thoughts that disgust me, that is not true. I don't fantasize about, say, running my car into pedestrians (I get this thought sometimes when I'm driving and sometimes it causes me to spiral). It scares the shit out of me that I think I could possibly be a psychopath. When I was scared of being trans, it has more to do with being scared I wouldn't be pretty or that people wouldn't take me seriously - things that are external to me.
But then finally, I have the thought... What if it's all cope? What if [obsession] is something I really want deep inside and I am in denial? What if I am a horrible person who might hurt people, or destroy all my relationships, or is selfish and awful and etc etc etc.
It's a nightmare tbh
I have a note in my phone to keep me grounded with certain obsessions. For transition, it’s a lot of, “2024-03-12 - I just boymoded for 3 weeks straight and it caused me to drop all my self care and fall into a depression. Putting on a skirt made me feel better almost instantly. This was a Very Cis thing to do.”
Just so I have a list of concrete experiences that I know aren’t purely an OCD thing. I catch myself falling into patterns when the OCD isn’t actively driving my thought process and note them down.
(Oh, also, I get the pedestrians one too. Lots of ego-dystonic intrusive imagery about random violence)
Yeah I should do that. I get lots of dysphoria from boymodinf myself but I don't go too long (just work days basically, but I definitely code switch and it makes me feel insane and awful)
I haven’t gotten to that point yet but I’d imagine it fucks with you, yeah. I’m sorry you’ve gotta deal with that.
it's not just you. I could have written this, lmao. Being a "man" sucks but actually putting in effort into transitioning sounds hard and scary so I've been putting a lot of it off or doing it very slowly. I'll be at a good place one of these days though
Yeah for sure. I mean ultimately it's a calculus you have to make. It's a ton of effort though and it only works because it feels good to me and feels bad for me to present as a guy