Being afraid of coming out is fairly normal, i don't get how that would have any impact on you being "actually trans"

Being proud of who you are and putting yourself out there without fear are not inherent to being trans, they are skills. You need to learn them. By "need", i mean that they are indispensable to lead a good life as a trans person, but also that these attitudes, ways of thinking and mannerisms need to be grown and developed by practice and exposure. The initial round of coming outs is part of the first, big steps in that direction, as are the first times presenting as your true self in public, and these moments are, at times, big, scary, leaps of faith. But they also take big weights off your shoulder, they free you off the burden of keeping the secret, and it gets easier after that, like, a lot.

I'm not sure there's such a thing as "actually trans." It seems like if you wish you were a woman, then... Well... Sounds trans to me.

Are there things you can do related to actual transition? Change your pronouns here? Try saying you are a trans woman instead of wishing you were one?

I think if this just sits as an abstract idea in your head, it's going to be difficult to work through. Putting on the role for a while and seeing how it feels, how you act, what you like and dislike can be really helpful.

It's really okay to be wrong, too. You can look through my post history and see me changing genders like every 15 days. Last time, I said I was a trans girl, but I don't actually think that's true anymore (I think I'm a weirder gender). But... I feel like being in that role was really enlightening. Forgetting my pronouns and then seeing she/her next to my name or having a random internet user refer to me as girl for the first time was like

I guess to sum up, maybe you want to put some of your uncertainty aside and try something? Even if it's just here, it's a safe space, and we'll support you

Oh also depressed I guess that's three.