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this post was submitted on 15 Jul 2024
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traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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ok so I preface this by saying that I am not good at posting sorry, but I'm at the point where I'm feeling very confused and if anyone has any idea what my "deal" is or whatever I would be very grateful for opinions.
mental health questioning, vague implications about of a point in my life i was poor mental health
i grew up a super-loner and couldn't really handle people, never made eye contact, got shamed and bullied a lot for being weird, skipped a lot of school, etc. i used to think this was just gender dysphoria until i started struggling at work (after transition) at a really shitty job filled with controlling people who got mad when I was 2 minutes late and ... no joke ... when I went to the bathroom "too often" or for "too long".i ended up self-diagnosing with adhd, seeing a psyc about it and having them prescribe meds for me (and also secretly diagnose me with several other things like OCD which i only found out about because i saw the notepad he was writing in). i stopped taking them a while after because i felt they weren't really doing anything for me, i only tried one med, though. my mental state was a wreck at that point in my life, i was with a partner who didn't understand, having regular meltdowns, and not really able to find a place that worked for me.
at the time, i thought that i might have what used to be called asperger's since i played "to the moon" and it completely wrecked my sense of self. the psyc i saw was very dismissive about this so for many years i didn't consider it, since he's a professional shrug
i'm trying to figure out what my "deal" is now, because i'm starting to struggle at work again to get things done (i manage software devs, so loots of context switching), and i'm not currently able to enjoy my leisure time and i'm not really sure why. i'm having doubts about having adhd.
i'm reading unmasking autism and i sure do relate to a lot of the "masked autism" traits but i don't want to call myself anything at this stage because i'm having trouble teasing apart what might be gender issues and trauma related to that, possible adhd, maybe asd, c-pstd even maybe (a long-time friend of mine has this + adhd and it apparently looks a lot like autism), or even a combination of them. i started seeing a counsellor (who has adhd btw, so immediately this is positive) but she's like $180 a session lol so i want to at least be prepared when i'm talking to her, with as much research done as possible beforehand and some theories.
so, naturally, i did the very normal thing of doing every test on embrace-autism.com , uh and i scored very high in pretty much all of them meant for suggesting autism, well over the threshold. but like, certainly they're not adjusting for confounding factors like being trans or having adhd (although if i'm honest i'm wondering if i was mis-reading my own symptoms back in the day... do i have trouble focusing, or is it that i take a long time to context switch, etc.)
i could seek a formal diagnosis, but well, i'm not sure what the point would be? i'm feeling very lost, like i'm a chameleon who is just adapting my own life story to fit whatever's neat at the time, like i lied to the doctor who diagnosed me, like he was wrong, it's a mess. and of course, i don't want to just get told i'm borderline lol
I long researched autism when my wife suggested I could be autistic. Then I did 3 years of research.
I grew up pretty isolated and never learned to mask, I also knew from young I was trans but had no idea I was autistic.
I later had issues still with being a loner and got treated for depression, Dr thought I may be bipolar or manic depressive (both common misdiagnoses) but I wasn’t
There is also a ton of co-morbidity between adhd and autism, it's frequent someone will point out some trait to have it also affect autistic people
i too feel like i never really learned to mask, i'm in compsci so i feel like it's much more tolerated there haha. i was in the gifted program when i was young and so everyone thought my quirks were because i was secretly einstein and "so much smarter than everyone around me" (which always grossed me out)... i feel like that stupid iq test i took set me up for failure, lol
Yeah I got the "you're so mature for your age" a lot and moved up classes because I was more advanced. I went through a pretty traumatic childhood with abusive parents so everything went under the radar and nobody realised I was being abused at home along with being trans/autistic.
oof, that brought up some memories for me too
It's incredibly common, I lost count the amount of people recited that line ^^
Ditto
This is a very good post.
spoiler
This should be a crime.
Anyway I don't have any advice and am experiencing some of the same things (although I have not yet taken the tests on embrace autism, will do them before the day is over though lol), so
I hope you figure it out soon.
likewise!! it's so cool having all the cool people from the bear site actually reading my writing and commenting, like yourself!! thank you :)
Yeah, I too have very little clue about diagnoses after lots of research. Many comorbidities and symptom overlap. I just took the AQ and answered “slightly x” to everything. Got a 26 lol.
Maybe I just have ADHD, who knows. I could be “low” on the spectrum. I think I don’t want to be because people I don’t like too much told me I seem autistic (they’re not bigoted or whatever, and I don’t hate anyone, but yeah).
just a lil tidbit
Wish I could better reply to this whole thing, but just wanted to say"Confounding factors"? Both of these have large overlap and frequent co-occurence with autism =) Sounds like you might well be autistic!
thank you, and appreciate even the brief reply (also ashinadash is talking to me that is exciting eee)
I get the in person replies ^^
I'm extremely lucky
you two are my favourite :) (along with everyone else )
Awwh you're sweet, thank you c: I hope some of our answers helped, if you have any other questions feel free to post them
Famous wifey, I see you blushing c:
I'll bench press you and give you head pets cheeky
It's over. It's only downhill from here.
The trans mega alliance is calling for you to step down from your post effective immediately.
Your posting game is too powerful. It's too dangerous to let go unchecked.
I'm pretty much always happy to get a reply from ashina, so I don't see any need to hold back.
What happens when you fixate on something for more than two weeks. No offense, but I know I’ll get bored and move on eventually.
✨ Autism ✨ Offense over what, though?
I kinda have two modes, short term fixations and longterm special interests. Like, I got a lil fixated on the PS3 recently after asking about its memory structure, and so I sourced a couple articles, installed custom firmware on mine, watched some videos on new overclocking stuff. I'm just gonna let it taper off I guess, since there aren't any PS3 games I'm dying to play rn.
I find differentiating between hyperfixation and special interest is hard, like there was a month and a half span where I just played Tactics Ogre, but I think it is a special interest and I just over-indulged by starting new playthroughs in the remakes. I have moved on and will return to them someday, Idk. Not much for it? I just let SI's and hyperfixations run their courses, I guess??
Unless it's people, I do not fuck with that. Hyperfixated on someone once, awful experience. If you hyperfixate on media or whatever you can just interact with it infinitely to get your fill, but people have free will and whims and stuff, so I found it wasn't at all productive...
spoiler
#> ✨ Autism ✨ Offense over what, though?I happened to find myself in the trans autistic friend group, so it checks out, but the person who “accused” me was a Zionist, and ironically I got kicked out for my AuDHD inability to shut up about my political beliefs. The other case was I was arguing with a relative who actually works with disabled kids, and was like “you darn autist [im being hyperbolic] using facts and logic instead of living purely emotionally.”
So real. Politics/philosophy and nature [and my ex :{] are long term fixations or at least categories of fixations for me. Meanwhile I spend a week or two doing certain online things or learning something random.
I’ve had game fixations, but for the most part stopped playing them much.
It’s not like I was obsessed with my ex and then got bored*, I think I did what you’re supposed to do - but maybe a little far? - and it didn’t work out, idk. It’ll be fine eventually maybe. ADHD was involved in my too-much-ness but maybe not in that way? Love working my issues out publicly.
*I know that did happen to them, which makes it worse but maybe more understandable.
spoiler
Uh no offense taken I guess? :>Doesn't sound like you lost too much, if they were the type of people to gripe about TOO POLITICAL and be friends with zionists. The other case Idk about, did they say that or did you?
Based anti-vidyagaems-aktion!!! Politics, philosophy and nature are solid special interests. Rip regarding your ex though, sucks...
spoiler
We had this convo before lol. In the other case, the facts are that idk what’s up with her, but my aunt’s kind of crazy and an anarchist, and we got in a big texting argument over Marxism and AES. She was emotionally touched by crap like Solzhenitsyn, and mad I wouldn’t accept that she knew everything and state-socialism failed. She said I was autistic because I gave detailed arguments with sources rather than trusting her emotions. We’re “cool” now but I generally avoid her still.
Trying to understand the difference between a nt "I like this thing a lot" and a autistic fixation is really difficult for me to understand and is one of the things that make me wonder if I don't actually have it. Like if I was autistic I'd obviously understand the difference, right?
What you gotta know is neurotypicals are boring and very often just do not have deep interests. Often just casual engagement. It was when someone said I could be a "retro correspondent" because I talked technical differences between Tactics Ogre ports -
like thank you comrade, but no, I just looked at the Segaretro wiki page and the Satrun dev manual scan. It's just resolutions... NTs are always like that though, shocked that you do research or look into things you like.
Without that contrast it might not be so obvious though, so dw.
It's hard to imagine not having the couple of deep interests I have.
Another check on the autism list.
Gang
Wait, you were referencing the fact that I said no offense in that one comment, right? I meant don’t take personally that one day soon I’ll probably stop spending my time in these mega threads. I tend to make weird associations and accidentally change the topic. I may have conflated that comment with another I made.
Oh uh, ain't my mega Idk. You are allowed to leave if the mood strikes you! No worries tho.
Of course. I can reply to someone and sort of intend it for everyone idk. I tend to over clarify, but it still feels necessary. Anyway, I will help us attain new heights while I’m here.
Famous bearsite e-celeb???
If Unmasking Autism sounds like you and you score high on the Embrace tests, it'll probably be worth talking to your cool couselor lady about it. Whether or not you need or want a diagnosis is on you, but it's still very worth talking about imo. Might help you tease apart what's causing what in terms of mental health stuff?
agree! thank you!