Casual Conversation

Do you have access to therapy? This sounds like depression and the best way forward is to talk to a doctor.

Yo, seriously you need to talk to a therapist to help you unpack all of that. You're 20, you've got time to grow and mature. Definitely look into taking some classes at a community college, lots of folks your age there.

Get a hobby too .. volunteer...

Good luck.

Also life changes a lot in the next few years. Like how you probably are significantly different than your 15 year old self.

As for the social thing...it's always intimidating until you start trying...are you going to goof up, absolutely, but you learn and grow. Also young adults are not a horrible as middle schoolers or highschool. Self confidence will help lots with that, but it's also a fake it until you make it thing too.

I went through a similar phase in college. Took me over 6 months of putting myself out there, saying yes to every social gathering, going to every club/activity that sounded interesting, smiling and being friendly with everyone I met to make my first friend. Used to literally talk to people I happened to sit next to on the bus - complimenting something they're wearing, talking about the weather, asking them what they're reading all work to start conversations. If they seem cool, invite them to do something (and don't lose heart if they flake out). Good luck!

I found my improv class to be rather silly good fun, and everyone is nervous together.

You could take a part time job near more people like a restaurant or somewhere with staff near your age.

There are easy little classes like pottery or some shit you can just have a reason to be near people in a low-stress yet structured way.

Sign language class is also surprisingly fun, and and it could be helpful to other people later perhaps.

You could join a fitness club like running or biking or something. That will keep you fit and near other fit people. Healthy people have better sex.

Community theater is also filled with possible fun people to know. Generally it’s a fun creative crowd to be around, you don’t have to be on stage, although you should aim for that, and everyone is mostly outgoing and there to be silly and happy.

Go toward groups of people who are endeavoring to undertake some kind of task together. There will be music and girls eventually.

Where in the world are you? Some places make it easier to make friends. Here in NYC there's a shitload of stuff happening all the time. Seattle is legendary for being unfriendly (it has a wikipedia page: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seattle_Freeze ). Some suburban or rural void with a population of 200 isn't going to do you a lot of favors.

But also you sound like clinically depressed. Go talk to a professional.

Constant fantasising and porn addiction are signs of maladaptive coping mechanisms.

Therapists will help you work on the source of emotional discomfort and help you process those emotions and should also teach you better coping mechanisms.

If you struggle with loneliness try choosing to be in solitude for a short period of time.

Two years ago "healthy gamer gg" community and Dr K.'s lectures really helped me start moving forward with my emotional wellbeing.

I'm going to suggest possibly irresponsible advice, but step 1 - you need to solve your depression and porn addiction, and ASAP. For that you could try therapy, and/or psilocybin or DMT... Not a heroic dose, but enough to get introspective from an altered POV. Therapy is the obvious long-term recommendation, but the psychedelic route may get you there faster, and you might learn a few things, such as your social obstructions or root causes.

Second, you need a close friend, at least one, preferably one who is also your desired romantic demographic. Maybe not someone who you'd normally "go for", but who you'd be happy spending time with - platonically, romantically, whatever it does not matter. The goal is to ground yourself with empathy for that person, and they for you too.

first and foremost, life is long and you have time. second, you most certainly are not alone as there are many, many peeps feeling exactly as you are. technology has an isolating effect in terms of irl relationships. the porn addiction is a symptom of this and when it all just becomes meat, it makes it harder to have actual physical intimacy with another human being. third, as others have said, you are suffering from depression and then nothing feels good, that's what is known as anhedonia.

admitting something is wrong is an important first step. talking to someone and seeking treatment would be helpful if you are finding it hard to figure out on your own. the last two cents i have is slow your roll, your being and breathe. don't dismiss the little things, the small rituals and def get outside.

Download the meetup app, find a group for one of your interests or hobbies and start attending. Might feel a bit overwhelming and you might not have lots of motivation to do it, but you gotta put yourself out there. good luck!

Hmmh. Maybe you need therapy. There is the possibility that it's not just you being unsuccessful at making friends, but also some form of depression, burn-out or early mid-life crisis. That happens.

And when joining clubs... How do you do it? Do you go there and have fun? Or do you just go there as a means to meet people and frantically try to convince somebody to be your friend? Because lots of people actually go there to do the thing and not necessarily to get to know people. Obviously you're going to be unsuccessful with those people and experience quite some let-downs. Also you're going to miss part of the fun... On the other hand it's the correct way to meet people as an adult. You just can't force it. And you need to adjust your expectations.

And another word of advice: 20 isn't that old. Sure most people have already been in romantic relationships at that age. But a considerable amount of people haven't. For example, it took me a few years longer than that. But everything turned out alright. And we all experienced rejection. Or not matching with people. It happens over and over, and it's part of the game.

Loneliness isn't a nice feeling at all. But it's also not the end of the world. Try to have some fun and don't align your whole life along that one goal. See if there is more that defines you. But you may (and should) also pursue what you want. We all hope you get what you want from life. And with your negative feelings: Maybe try to get someone to listen to you. Maybe professional help. Just to check if you're alright. There are some help-lines you can google and then call. Maybe do that if you feel like it. They have proper advise and can tell you how to get counseling or if you should visit a doctor. Especially once you lose interest in everything. That is not a good thing.

These questions helped me: picture yourself in 5-10 years, who do you want to be, what do you need to do to get there? What can YOU do, without any outside help? What kind of people would you like to find? What do you like to do or always wanted to try?

Most people struggle in college, hence one possibility as to why you aren't finding friends is that they are going through similar to what you are (or something else equally as devastating to their own lives). So ironically, you are not alone in feeling alone:-). Tough it out bc it will get better. Also, it will repeat again after you leave college to move forward.

Even people surrounded on all sides by friends and family can feel lonely - learn to accept that and become okay with being by yourself, at least part of the time. Other times, maybe talk with your parents and high school friends in a phone call. And you can talk with us here on the Fediverse too:-). But voice is better.

That said, maybe don't try to date right now - putting your sense of self into someone else's hands isn't healthy for either you or them. I am no psychologist though. Speaking of, your school should have some resources to help you - check them out bc this obviously bothers you, so seems worth the effort? They could even have some stuff for you before the Fall.

Find something that sparks joy in you, and do a little of that.:-)

Recognizing you need help is a huge first step. Everyone here suggesting therapy is right. Random folks on the internet can't really help, but a good therapist probably can. I'm mainly posting for moral support and to help you feel heard. You've gotten good advice and I can't really give better. Some folks struggle to take that step, but help is out there. Sometimes it might take a few therapists and that can be disheartening, but stick with it.

Hey man don’t sweat it. 20 is one of the loneliest times to be a man. No money, not old enough to drink, etc. etc. the good news is that this shall pass. At this point just put yourself out there and work on yourself and school. It’s all going to pay off in the long run.

Internet forums, TV shows, movies, and videogames are fun, but they're not a good substitute for talking to real live humans, especially your peers of the similar age and background.

You gotta put yourself in some place where you meet the same people consistently to become friends with them.

It takes on average 8 encounters with conversations to become someone's friend, so you have to be consistently there over a period of time.

Go volunteer anywhere, get a menial job anywhere. Especially if it's something you think you'll hate, you'll learn something and at least you'll be interacting with people.

You're in college, and you should be thinking about your future. Summer is no time to waste, and you should be (or should have been) looking into internships in some career field that you're interested in. Again, don't turn your nose up at a company or type of work that isn't the latest and greatest, because you'll learn something by doing anything. If you have free housing with supportive parents, you can even ask a company to intern for free just to get in to some experience in a field that you're interested in. Or maybe not interested in. For example, you might like computers, but you might find work on a farm or veterinary clinic and find out that you like animals even more.

When you do go back to school:

Does your college have a cafeteria on campus? Spend some time at the same one, every class day, for lunch and/or dinner, (preferably both) and join the same group at the same table. You'll probably recognize people in some classes you're taking, and you can use that as an "in" to get conversations started. Or even just overhearing people talking about something you're interested in, in which case, just join in.

I've been in a similar place. The biggest thing I wish I had known was that 20 is still a kid. Like look at Ukraine right now. Why do you think their draft age is over 25? It is because the prefrontal cortex in the brain of humans is not fully developed until 25. You're still a kid, and that is okay. You're developing and it is a tough time. The whole "adult at 18" thing is totally bullshit just to have child soldiers that are easy to manipulate in a structured program. Almost everyone is struggling just like you. The more you disconnect from online media sources, the better time management you'll have with more motivation to connect with others too.

Therapy is a good option just to get yourself back into a stable mental place. If you're a university student, your school can likely help get you in contact with some options and other resources.

I made some friends in college essentially through shared suffering. I am not that close with them anymore, but they are good people and it was fun to commiserate about bullshit finals and hot gossip from around campus. After college, I still make new friends, even in my 30's. Basically, the best way is to find a hobby. That can be video games even; start playing an MMO or other online game and see if you can find a group of decent people to play with regularly. At any age, you can always join some kind of hobbyist group. A painting circle, an improv group, a community band, volunteer, become a regular at the gym, etc. BUT! You're at a university; there should be all sorts of clubs, teams, initiatives etc. that you can join to meet new people. Get to know people that like the things you like, find opportunities to hang out more outside of your normal circles, and then friendships develop. But don't join things just to make friends and meet people. Try to genuinely enjoy what it is you're doing, because the key is to actually have that common interest. And sometimes you may need to take time to figure out what that is. I once joined some clubs because they were for things I liked, but then it turned out I didn't like those things in social situations. Sometimes going outside of your comfort zone to try something new is the ticket—something you'd never do on your own but could be fun with others.

As far as relationship, that's something I can't really offer advice on because everyone is looking for something different and some people feel that need for intimacy more. The tactic that worked for me was just to not really make it an active priority, and then eventually I found someone to be happy with for a while. But I never agonized during those years I was single because it was never as huge a priority for me as it is for others, so I can't say that the "wait and see" approach works for everyone. But you're still young, you've got a lot of time to figure out what you're looking for in a partner. The trend is that younger generations today are starting relationships, getting married, having kids etc. a lot later than previous generations, just the nature of the economy today, so don't buy into the outdated concept that you've gotta find the one in your early 20's.

There's always the gooner community that's very welcoming towards new members

people here are suggesting to leave the internet which I mostly agree to however sometimes you feel more comfortable talking with people through internet than talking IRL. I also can't build any meaningful relationship in college maybe my expectation is too high I don't know but I certainly feel good here than IRL.

First thing to remember is that you are not alone. We all have these feelings and anxieties. You do not have to face this alone. Find someone to talk to, it will help.

Man, you sre on Lemmy at 20. Think about that.

But as you are still in Uni, you can ask other people to discuss homework, complete it together, eat out in some food chain or a cafeteria when you have a break. You don't turn 100% of these into friendships, a small percentage of these come to fruition, but even small connections make you not alone. You can also start gym and ask assistance there - guys like to coach others. But the same approach can be extrapolated to other places too - if you act dumb at one of the clubs you mention, some people are naturally kin to help you out, and in thid process you can talk to them.