even more nsfw noodling ft sexual anatomy stuff, bit of trauma
Please don't ever think that there are no worms inside my goofy head. I still gotta get the trowel out now and then.
What for? I've been pretty much staring at myself below the belt this past week, I have new thoughts and feelings about my clit to reconcile and process and think about. On its own this feels weird because I spent my teenage years really hating... that my anatomy did not conform to cis standards, honestly. I mean to be fair I do also dislike not being able to tuck and need to fix that, so young me was not totally stupid, but.
If you remember my last horrifyingly tmi post I was being funny about that one brainworm concept. For a split second however it became unfunny I was asking myself 'Yes self, what if I want someone to put their hands on it, in that particular palm-first way? What if I find that enjoyable, huh? What if I like that for myself? What if I think the clit is kinda nice?? Not like I haven't been using vibrators on it for several years, what if it's not bad but good actually? What if I am not at odds with the ways I receive pleasure???'
Myself's answer was a little bit of reflexive revulsion. Not because myself disagrees, but because ✨ enjoying ur own sexual anatomy during sex, the thing, the quack doctor said it ✨
I like me too much to let that get to me, but the fact I even had that reaction is like, wow. The worms go so fucking deep. Disrupted the peace I've been having in my head around this topic, which was unpleasant. And on top of all that I was hesitant to even write this post because of it, so I guess bad webzones got to me in some fashion. It's a battle which is annoying, even after all the time and processing I've spent, I still can't even think 100% clearly about my own body without anatomical pseudoscientific imageboard brainworms creeping in. It's an eternal work in progress I suppose.
Now that I think about it more, a lot of the bottom dysphoria stuff might well have come down to A) weird porn shit and B) all the awful shit with my ex and how that was. She did not see me in a healthy manner that was congruent with how I am now; she saw me as one of those dildos you suction-cup to a wall. Unsurprising that I would have bad vibes after that...
Also wtf stop upvoting my weird honry/sexual trauma mixture posts