Ask Lemmy

Try to learn Russian really quickly.

• Give Volodymyr a call
• Pull out of Ukraine and Georgia
• Hand over Putin to ICC
• Instruct the loyalists that democratic reform is coming, and nobody is to be given the window/tea treatment.
• Call Navalnys widow and tell her to prepare her political aparatus
• Announce an election in 6 months (should be enough to prepare everything, I guess?) with international observers encouraged to participate
• Realize that I have no fucking idea how to ensure that elections on that scale are free and fair, so I ask for assistance from aforementioned observers.
• Pull an epic prank on Lukashenko. Possibly involving potatoes.
• Realize that I am in no way fit to run a country, and start planning my (safe) exit. Once the election results are in I'll be gone without a trace.
• Repeal putins laws
• Start releasing political prisoners
• Last thing I do before leaving is calling this guy named/called Misha whether he's fine with Murmansk, or if he wants the city to have a new name.

two chicks at the same time

Nice try, Putin.

~~assign everyone a government mandated fursona~~

Freak the fuck out.

Pull back from Ukraine, Crimea, and Georgia, and negotiate an immediate ceasefire.

Call as many political scientists and scholars as possible and get their advice on how the fuck I can design a reformed system of democratic governance that is robust enough to withstand the inevitable attempts to undermine and corrupt it.

Find the multitude of stashed billions from the various oligarchs and seize it, use the money to invest in overhauling Russian society--improving infrastructure and education, improving the standard of living, etc.

transfer collective power of russia to hexbear and see what happens

Get the fuck out of Russia

Probably get assassinated if I'm being real

Probably shit my self.

Not because it's scary or something, just because I have so much power that I can shit myself and no one would dare say anything.

I think i'm starting to understand dictators

Ideally, I'd call up Zelenskyy, ask if he wanted to hang out, have a beer and offer him the job.

Realistically, I'd be doomscrolling on Lemmy, have a wank, get drunk and go to bed.

Don't stand too close to windows.

For starters:

Arrest Putin and all his enablers.

Stop all hostilities with Ukraine.

Return all prisoners.

Help rebuild Ukraine.

Develop Russia into what it can be. It's the largest country in the world, lots of land and resources. Build it up responsibly and sustainably.

Recognize the positive achievements of Russia while trying to avoid past mistakes.

Contact Zelensky directly, and offer the following peace terms:

Ukraine gets it's land back, everyone gets their own people back, war crimes are investigated. Inform him that if he takes the deal, I'll start issuing orders to surrender immediately, and we can sign whatever document and do whatever ceremony when people aren't dying. Delegate the orders to withdraw and surrender.

Call Trump and talk to him about future relationships with Russia. Immediately publish the phonecall so there's evidence of him violating the Logan act.

Then I'd schedule a to see a physician so I can get some Healthcare, and start bringing in real experts so I can fix the domestic problems Russia is facing. This'll probably include a translator because I don't speak Russian. My overall goals with the reforms would be restructuring the central government to be an extremely robust democracy, abolishing corporations and replacing them with cooperatives, putting together better (especially IT) infrastructure, and dismantling Oil production. Russia is already a place where online piracy thrives, so I'd probably lean into that, and make state-sponsored programs that make information freely available to the entire world.

I would want to be the sort of leader with tons of weird facts around himself, so

Offer a ceasefire with Ukraine, try to make peace with as little losses as possible. It's not really my priority to make war, my priority is filling my wikipedia page with as many different shit as possible.

Abolish physics laws one day, then legalise it again.

Introduce Mann Co's CEO policy for the position of Vice President. (Whoever can beat the current VP via one on one unarmed combat becomes the current VP, no matter who.)

Legalise gambling between 03:00-07:00 and ban it between any other time interval.

Define tax evasion as a taxable income source, as long as they detail how they commit tax evasion so future laws can patch it.

Take putin's legalising piracy one step further and fund open source piracy software openly. Offer developers full time residency and shielding from law if they encounter legal troubles.

Make a deal with another country's leader to declare war and make peace right afterwards, breaking the records for fastest declaration of war, shortest war and the fastest peace treaty. Maybe declare multiple wars in a similar fashion to try to keep lowering the records.

Recognise all micronations, with the exception of those around Antartica.

Claim Antartica is owned by polar bears and define all claims made there as illegitimate claims.

Invite DJT, Bibi and several other leaders to my dining room, on 14th floor, with great view as with many, many windows ...

Finally. All these years of Hearts of Iron are going to pay off big time.

Stop the war.

Apologize.

Find someone else to run the show.

Ctrl+A, Delete

I really don't like that level of responsibility. Probably just put the country under anarchic rule, and head back home.

Resign. I can't handle that kind of responsibility

I'm not saying I'd demand a functional set of Doctor Doom armor, but I'm not saying I wouldn't.

Let a hell of a lot of people out of prison and throw a Pussy Riot concert for them.

This... is difficult.

See, the oligarchs love Putin because he keeps them wealthy and comfortable at the cost of his people. If I come in and start helping my people, it'll come from the oligarchs, then they'll turn on me. Which comes to the other Putin thing, he's absolutely feared in Russia. Someone annoys him, polonium tea. To those that are absolutely loyal to him, he has an iron fist with a velvet glove. To those not in positions of power, the glove isn't there. That's what his power is.

I'd like to think I'm cutthroat if it were in the name of good... but we're talking Ex-KGB with top tier paranoia, deservedly earned. I'm pretty sure Putin-Me would have a "self inflicted gunshot" to the back of the head within hours.

As I, Ivan IV, now stand as the undisputed ruler of Russia, my first act shall be to consolidate power by crushing any remaining dissent among the boyars. I will strengthen the central government, expand our territory through conquest, and establish a centralized, autocratic rule to ensure the absolute authority of the Tsar. The people will be brought to heel, and the Orthodox Church will be harnessed to support my reign. Russia will become a vast and powerful empire, feared by all, as I reshape it according to my vision.

I would have ice cream for supper, that's for sure. If I started getting fat, I'd start taking the new weight loss shots to trim down. I'd offer everyone in the country ice cream for supper and then I'd also offer them weight loss shots if they got fat from eating ice cream.

What are my goals? The same as Putin?

If yes: continue attrition fighting, but defensively. The goal is to stretch out ukraine losses past the point of western support. Keep offering varying "peace deals" that solidify the capture of oil and gas resources and access to the black sea. Claim the fighting will stop once the Russian territory is liberated (the captured oblasts). In the backroom arrange to let israel to start their middle east ground war, that will distract and drain support from Ukraine. Move the conscript soldiers to the Russian side of the north eastern border with Ukraine. Negotiate to get CIS volunteers as part of the defensive home guard.

If no: pull back troops to very defensive lines across rivers. Dig in. Don't try to take any territory. Negotiate for return of some territory in exchange for crimea and total access to black sea, settle for crimea and a promise not to join NATO for 20 years.

Focus on energy export pipelines to Europe and China, try to pivot industrial base to post solar future. China is the biggest long term competitor, find a niche that is critical to Chinese interests like oil (negiotate with kz to be sole supplier)

Oh my god, first things first, repair relations with Ukraine. Secondly end the war. Thirdly repair relations with the west.

Then begin the task of figuring out why a random white guy in Ohio suddenly became the ruler of russia.

Also, stay away from windows and tea. I imagine MANY russians would attempt to take the life of an American who's ruling their world.

But also, I'd actually make attempts to improve the health and happyness of people in russia. And increase tolerance towards gay people. It's like the 1980s over there in that regard.

Reminds me of an 'elseworlds' Batman story from a while ago.

Bats kills R'as al Ghul but realizes that Ghul's evil empire is still operational. Batman takes the role of R'as, but sets it up so that all his top lieutenants take each other out. It takes a few years, but eventually the League of Assassins is a force for good in the world.

Something similar in Russia. Pit the worst of the worst against each other and let democracy prevail.