the one american spelling i will concede is estrogen. oestrogen just looks weird

I got my 8 hours of eep, why still eepy? :trans-sad:

I keep seeing cute men and thinking they'd look better as women or envies. The thoughts will not stop. I fear this will cause me problems

::: spoiler mental health, downer, ramble, reflection Im not doing to well. Im not really a person. Im a mirror. I reflect the person Im talking to. Its why groups are hard for me. I become who Im interacting with. Or i become what they want me to be. I dont like it. I dont like being around men, because i reflect and become them. Im not a boy. Im a girl. I dont want to reflect and become them.

I love everyone around me. I mirror them, then i love them. Because if i love them then its kinda like loving myself. When I want love and care i provide love and care to others. I hope that they will give me love and care. If i can make them happy they can make me happy. If i love them hard enough then i will feel loved. If i am them, and i love them, then i love myself. Thats not how it works. But i keep pretending it is. Im not them. I want to stop being a mirror. I want to love myself. But how can I if I dont know who i am?

I want to want things. Im afraid of it. If im someone else, i can stop being them and be a different person when im rejected and discarded. I can seperate everything out. Compartmentalize. Im very good at compartmentalizing. What if what i want is wrong? Stupid? Poor taste? Hurtful? Insulting? I want to want things. I want to want. I do want. At least a little. I want faery lights strung in my room. I want nice bedding thats cute and pink and wonderful. I want the things I didnt get to have growing up. It all costs money. I have no income. I cant justify the expenses.

I cant even justify lazer. It would bring me relief. It would make things better. But i cant justify it. I should justify it. But i cant. I tell myself its too much, ive made it this far with visible shadow every day, ive made it this far bleeding from my face whenever I shave. So whats one more day? Just one more day. One more. No tomorrow, just today. One more day. One more. Only one. If i cant justify fixing my face, how can I justify faery lights? Or nice bedding? Or cute pillows?

I want other things sometimes too i guess. But those arent worthwhile, they dont have emotional value. Theyre fun, but dont carry weight in my heart. Theres a difference. I want to want from my heart. From my emotional center. Not from activity. Not from analytics. From my heart.

Activity is so much, but its just a way to avoid talking to people. I want to want things because wanting is an aspect of being a person. I want to go here. I want to eat this. I want to talk to you. I want to play this game. I want. The wanting is the core of movement through life. I dont want, so i dont move.

I want to be vulnerable with someone. Share my entirety with them. My physical mental and emotional self. But i dont know who that self is. How can I share something with someone when I dont know what it is? Its not a box I can hand to them. Its abstract thoughts and feelings.

I want faith and hope in the future. I want to know that it will all be ok, i will be ok, my family and friends will be ok, we will be happy.

I want a happily ever after. I hate that we grow up with that narrative ending. It doesnt exist. But i want it so badly. I want to not have to worry and just be happy. I want my story to end, and end with a "happily ever after". I dont want to write anymore. The book has no more plot points, no more movement. Its been stagnant for so long, and will not move further. I want to stop writing my story. I want it to be over. I just want to write "happily ever after" and thats it, its done, period. End of sentence. End of chapter. End of book. End of series. End of story. 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓔𝓷𝓭

Today is an off-day for lifting, but yesterday's lift did not destroy me. I'm too powerful for that.

Look out motherfuckers...

What are some signs one might be trans? I have noticed a few things that I think might be suspect, but I still think I'm cis.

• I had a dream last night where I was in this video-game like dungeon and it told me "the dungeon reveals all". I explicitly remember seeing my reflection as a woman and liking it.

• I'm really nervous about aging as a guy, I can't help but worry about going bald or all that stuff, but that doesn't necessarily mean I have dysphoria.

• I never really found myself relating to boys, most of my friend group is an even split in high school, but as an adult I am totally isolated.

• There's been some women I've seen and thought that I wish I looked like them, although the same can be said for men too.

• I've stopped myself a few times and have thought to myself "am I trans?"

There are some things that prove my cis-ness too, but I wonder if any of these signs might mean something.

EDIT: Wow, thanks so much everyone! I’ll be sure to give this all a read!

Really quite annoyed at myself and how many decisions I made to make other people comfortable in the last few years

Cis people are so weird. One of my housemates said that she is getting rid of her black jeans because they're out of fashion, even though she still likes some of them. She doesn't want to be seen wearing clothes that aren't trendy.

What a boring way to approach self-expression. You just want to look like everyone else? You just want to go with what's popular instead of what you personally like?

Trans/gnc people are sooo much better at fashion

I'm sorry for being so naive but I was charmed by Tim Walz initially. And his work as governor seemed promising.

So I know that I deserve to be disappointed but it was actually disorienting to see someone who reminds me of my best friends Dad war mongering in regards to Iran .

We just can't have anything nice, can we.

just did me a huge solid and permanently banned my account with no warning. I cannot even recover the account. Thanks for the push I needed to never go back to that shithole.

I got cute new girl clothes today and I'm really happy about that. Including a super soft pink jacket. I'm gonna look so cute for therapy today

The lady at the Visa office said I look no older than 21 when she saw my age.
idk how much of that was just flattery.

My gender today is salty old seadog

truly aren't we all working on disco elysium successor projects?

Is it weird that I feel some sort of attachment to the femboy label as a binary trans woman? I wasn't even a femboy before I transitioned, just a regular twink.

more reason to clean up my room: i can't find my pajama pants that have the cute sunflower pattern on them. i love them even if they don't have pockets

EDIT: nvm found them

up with trans

the psychiatrist aiming to understand my crippling desire to see two girls kissing

my head hurts this sucks

took two whole months but am finally starting to feel somewhat functional. beyond only being able to sleep 3 hours a night that is

HRT: I will help you get more in touch with your body

My body: GAG REFLEX

She's my best friends doggirl

She's my best friends doggirlfriend

And she use to be mine

I've been lifting every other day for almost a week now. This fucking slaps, not gonna lie. I did a bit more than usual today, and I don't feel wrecked. I am gonna become superpowered.

thought i had a free night but it turns out i have a ttrpg thing tonight... i want to sit and rot in my room but instead i have to go have fun 😒

Being really weird and gay, late at night...

Shaving my whole body just as it starts getting cold out might have been a mistake

if kirby swallowed you what powers would he get

Reading a genderbent isekai and going "god I wish that happened to me"

Hey... Wait a minute

Uh I don't wanna go on Letterboxd anymore. Every time a movie has even the slightest whiff of the gays in its undertones, people go absolutely feral, as if Interview with the Vampire is actually good. I get it, right, but can we hold ourselves to slightly higher standards than that? I'm not against people enjoying things, I just dunno y'know? I wish I saw what they saw in stuff like Nightmare on Elm Street 2.

Also my feet hurt I wish I was watching movies about scary transgender autistic dykes!!!!!!!

My sweet gay lil son Curly likes playing with dolls

(that's ok, and we like that! We like that. Many people are saying their cats are gay and we like that, I will say that. )

gay mega topic, what are you gay?

The Irish knocked it out of the park with mushrooms as a breakfast food. I love mushrooms in the morning yummy

the difference in upvotes between the two megathreads is proof hexbear needs another purge