Vacuumed my parent's place while I had a chance to

It was a grotesque shit hole

Had a bunch of vodka from my dog shit dad

This is my third lapse in four months, so I guess I can live with it despite feeling like shit

They're so disorganized and have neglected so much cleaning and maintenance

I want to help and it it's something that definitely needs to be done and they're not capable of all of it anymore but there's so much and I don't have anyone else to help me

I'm an only child and they're getting old and feeble and I feel like a huge chunk of my life now is taking care of them and they're too lazy to do the parts of it that they are capable of

I need to maintain a good relationship with them for financial support and would be quickly end up homeless without them but I feel like I'm doing way more for them at this point than they do for me, and the time spent keeping their home from falling into complete disarray is keeping me from getting my own shit together enough to be completely independent

My mom's a kind person and pretty good despite being of a slob, but my dad is a complete incompetent trainwreck at this point and the most tedious infuriating old sack of shit on the planet and actively makes any attempt at keeping their place decent worse by getting in the way and complaining about everything

I wouldn't trust him to take care of a houseplant for me if I was gone for a week, and mom works full time still, so every time I improve things there, it backslides into filth in days and quickly snowballs from there into "damn bitch, you live like this?!"

All he does is drink, watch TV, complain and ramble about boring work anecdotes from 20+ years ago that I've heard a million times before and he gets pissed off when I don't want to hear him recite in their entirety (he's been "retired" for 15 years, and took that time to become a full time alcoholic and professional miserable burden)

He belongs in a nursing home that we can't afford

I fucking hate him and have no clue how my mom didn't leave him decades ago

My relationship with him has gotten so bitter that it's making me resent her for putting up with him, and I'm a fucked up hermit and she's pretty much the only good person in my life right now

I don't fucking know what to do, it's like my adult life never actually began and can't until his ends

All he's willing to do is drink and watch TV waiting to die, and he's getting so decrepit and doddering that he won't buy his own booze anymore since it's unsafe for him to drive and he's likely to fall just going shopping, so my mom and I have been enablers because booze is the only thing that'll placate him and he'll get seizures from withdrawal

I'm so fucking tired of this and feel completely stuck and miserable

No one that actually knows him will miss him when he's gone and he's an enormous burden on the only people he regularly interacts with, but he's "a great guy" to his old friends since he was mister handyman and always fixed things up for people decades ago

Every time he passes out, I hope he doesn't wake up

It might be tolerable if I had a sibling to share the burden or if I at least had positive memories of who he used to be to focus on as an excuse to keep supporting him, but he's always been a self centered, angry impulsive miserable bastard even when he was able bodied and cogent

I feel like I'm gonna be even more of a black sheep to my relatives for feeling nothing but relief when he's finally dead, and the bitterness of them not knowing how insufferable he became and thinking I'm an ungrateful shitty person for not mourning when that day comes might make me snap

FUCK

feels slightly better to vomit up all that black bile, sorry if you read all that and it bummed you out