this post was submitted on 17 Dec 2024
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I work with a needy man, the kind of person who needs constant attention and feels threatened by silence. If I choose to read something on my phone instead of giving him attention he asks if everything's all right. If I choose to meditate, adopting a yoga like position and closing my eyes before working he asks the same. It's like he needs people talking to him constantly.

I am the opposite, I believe: I don't talk about my life at work, I go there because I need a paycheck, but I'm open to learn from more knowledgeable colleagues, something he clearly is not.

What I've done so far: avoiding him, not looking him in the eye when he wants to talk to me, telling him that I'm working when he wants to talk to me, giving dull answers, feigning ignorance about several topics, ignoring him when I'm talking to another person and he asks what we're talking about.

He still comes and sits next to me and tells me about his family, something I don't care about.

I'm torn because I want to tell him to leave me alone, that I don't care about his life, but considering the 'offense' this seems too much and knowing me I'd immediately regret it and feel bad about it.

Why am I like this?

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[–] xmunk@sh.itjust.works 106 points 1 week ago (5 children)

Headphones. Headphones are an excellent tool for isolation in a workplace because they don't raise objections or cause friction like saying you're uninterested but they tend to be very effective at deflection.

Just get a nice big obvious pair of headphones and put them on when he might come by and, if he waves or something just immediately respond with "Sorry, I'm in the middle of this can you message me?"

[–] tun@lemm.ee 44 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (1 children)

me: (with my headphones put on)

colleague: what are you listening to?

me: (speechless)

[–] Valmond@lemmy.world 17 points 1 week ago (1 children)
[–] robocall@lemmy.world 11 points 1 week ago (4 children)
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[–] Gingerlegs@lemmy.world 12 points 1 week ago

I did this and when he’d talk I acted like I didn’t hear him. Worked for me

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[–] fan0m@lemmy.world 90 points 1 week ago (2 children)

He’s an energy vampire. Tread carefully.

[–] Burninator05@lemmy.world 29 points 1 week ago (1 children)
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[–] IchNichtenLichten@lemmy.world 15 points 1 week ago (3 children)
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[–] Veedem@lemmy.world 69 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I once had a co-worker like this named Andrew. One morning, while he scrambled to fill any moments of silence, I told him “Andrew, silence is ok sometimes” and went back to my work. He was significantly less annoying to work with afterwards.

I probably came off as a bit of a dick, though it wasn’t my intention.

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[–] fine_sandy_bottom@lemmy.federate.cc 43 points 1 week ago (1 children)

These sound like bread and butter small talk type work interactions.

Just gonna be blunt... meditating at work and adopting a yoga like position is going to attract attention and will invite co-workers to enquire after your well being.

If this guy is your biggest problem at work then you have a pretty great job.

[–] Mothra@mander.xyz 9 points 1 week ago (2 children)

That depends on the type of work OP does and when exactly are they adopting the yoga stance. People can do whatever they want during breaks.

But ultimately I agree with your last sentence.

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[–] robocall@lemmy.world 43 points 1 week ago

You are this way because you are maintaining professionalism. Your coworker is being unprofessional by over sharing. Set your boundaries fast and firm.

[–] aasatru@kbin.earth 35 points 1 week ago

I don't think there's any need to be rude. Just tell him you appreciate that he wants to make sure you're alright, but that you're just not a very talkative person and you quite enjoy silence. You can say it's nothing personal, but that's just who you are and you'll let him know if one day for whatever reason you are not fine. If you're feeling generous you can ask him to do the same, but that is a potential commitment.

[–] Free_Opinions@feddit.uk 27 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (1 children)

Unspoken expectations are pre-meditated resentments.

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[–] tiefling@lemmy.blahaj.zone 24 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Take up skiing and make that your entire personality

[–] Draegur@lemm.ee 21 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Oh yes! Talk to him about MULTILEVEL MARKETING! Hell, OP might even be able to sell him garbage and make some money on the side if he's stupid and desperate enough!!!

[–] RonnieB@lemmy.world 10 points 1 week ago (3 children)

Hello coworker, have I told you about our Lord and savior, Xenu?

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[–] PrincessLeiasCat@sh.itjust.works 21 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Tell him you have trouble focusing on your work if you stop to talk too often. Tell him you’re trying to finish x, y, z, etc, and after doing that enough hopefully he gets the message.

[–] GlenRambo@jlai.lu 11 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Best to be direct. Fake responses just dog deeper paths.

What are you working on. Oh I'll help you. Sure I'll be back on ten. Yeah I'm busy too buy you gotta take breaks. Hey did you catch thst movie.

If the person is so dense they dont know there bothering somone there not the type of person to get subtle hints.

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[–] Jumi@lemmy.world 20 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (1 children)

Why do people seem to have such a hard time with being direct? Just tell him to leave you alone, if you hurt his feelings it's not your problem.

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[–] hoshikarakitaridia@lemmy.world 20 points 1 week ago

Just tell him you don't talk a lot because you need to concentrate at work and you always keep it professional because you wanna separate work and private life.

Small chance it might be awkward for a bit but he will respect it. Unless he is an asshole then you don't owe friendliness.

[–] slazer2au@lemmy.world 18 points 1 week ago

Why am I like this?

Because different people are different. I am the same. I could not give 2 shits about my coworkers personal lives.

Us dudes are thick as bricks, put him on the backdoor by using some of these.

I'm in the middle of something, I wish you would stop interrupting me.

Dude, stop interrupting me.

No seriously, if you keep interrupting me I will have to talk to management about it.

[–] sir_pronoun@lemmy.world 18 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Show him your Warhammer figurines

[–] vladmech@lemmy.world 8 points 1 week ago

Gotta be careful with this; I showed a coworker some models I painted once and he loved them and now makes me feel bad because he’ll ask what I’ve done recently and it’s always nothing haha

[–] Sergio@slrpnk.net 16 points 1 week ago

I’m torn because I want to tell him to leave me alone, that I don’t care about his life, but considering the ‘offense’ this seems too much and knowing me I’d immediately regret it and feel bad about it.

Imagine someone has a huge booger hanging out of their nose. It might be embarassing that you point it out to them, but it's a lot more embarassing if they walk around with the booger hanging there. It's the same with this. If you're polite but direct, there's nothing to feel bad about, you're helping the guy learn where the line is.

[–] Krudler@lemmy.world 16 points 1 week ago (2 children)

People like him are dangerous.

For the love of God, do not directly say it to this person, speak to HR or your supervisor and tell them you are feeling harassed at work and can't do your job.

If you say anything to the man all he's going to conclude is that you are against him, and his paranoia will kick in, and he will make problems for you that you can't anticipate.

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[–] Mr_Dr_Oink@lemmy.world 15 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

They sound a lot like an ex colleague of mine who had aspergers. They latched on to me because they got promoted to a different team in the same office as me when i got promoted and they would not stop talking to me, and about the most inane and mundane shit. Stuff i didnt gove a fuck about

I would be polite i would answer and engage in the conversation but if it had been too long and i felt managers eyes in the back of my head i would just fizzle out and start to turn back to my screen and say something like "ok, well, i need to get on" and they would go away.

I believe they were this way because of aspergers. They could never tell when i was uninterested or when i was busy with something. They didn't pick up on social cues. They just kept talking.

I wonder if it's a similar reason with your colleague?

[–] hightrix@lemmy.world 14 points 1 week ago

Bring or get some large ear covering headphones. Wear them all the time regardless of if you are listening to anything. Ignore attempts to distract. Practice and say, “sorry, focused right now” and go back to work.

[–] Reyali@lemm.ee 14 points 1 week ago

If I may rephrase what I’m reading: You don’t want to tell him to leave you alone because you would be upset if someone told you that.

Here’s the thing: you don’t know that will upset him. TL;DR of the rest of my post: he probably won’t take it the way you would, and I highly recommend being straightforward with him.

I suggest reading about the difference in Ask Culture vs Guess Culture. Those of us who grew up in a guess culture manage our own actions based on what we think will be acceptable to those around us and won’t even initiate something if it would be deemed inappropriate, so it’s rare we have to be told “no”. Those in ask culture will just ask and be totally fine if told no, because they haven’t already done the pre-work to figure out if their request will be approved.

One of the best lessons I’ve had in the past few years is that other people don’t respond like me. I mean, that should be obvious. But it came up in the context of being a manager at work with an underperformer. I would be devastated if my boss told me I was not doing well at my job, and so I was terrified of telling my direct report that. I communicated the gaps in her specific actions for months, but we finally got to a point where I needed to have the conversation that I didn’t think the role was the right fit for her. It was one of the hardest days in my career. And she thanked me for it!

I was so scared because I was imagining how I’d feel hearing what I was going to say. But she’s not me! And instead of being upset, she felt relief to hear someone else say it.

You’re afraid of being rude, and that shows you have compassion and care for others. But I bet you that this coworker of yours just needs to be told, and not communicating with him is actually less kind.

A quote from a favorite book series of mine is a take on our “golden rule” through an alien culture: “The Iron Rule: Treat others less powerful than you however you like. The Silver Rule: Treat others as you’d like to be treated. The Golden Rule: Treat others as they’d like to be treated.”

[–] NeoNachtwaechter@lemmy.world 14 points 1 week ago (1 children)

It's the simple things in life... always the simple things. Have you ever said the simple things to him?

"Be quiet now."

"Leave me alone."

(and after his response, whatever it is, you be quiet yourself)

[–] Shampiss@sh.itjust.works 18 points 1 week ago (2 children)

What?? Imagine telling anyone to "be quiet now". That's plainly rude and won't help

It's important to be honest and polite. "I really need to focus on my work and be silent for a few hours a day. I'd be happy to chat on a coffee break, but I need to have some quiet time please"

[–] DrDystopia@lemy.lol 14 points 1 week ago (1 children)

But what if they aren't happy to chat on their coffee breaks either?

What you're suggesting is basically just hitting the snooze button. "I'm sorry but I'm just the type of person who don't do small talk." in a polite but firm manner have worked wonders for me before.

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[–] NeoNachtwaechter@lemmy.world 7 points 1 week ago (2 children)

That's plainly rude and won't help

If it is rude in your culture, you should find the appropriate way of expression

"I really need to focus on my work and be silent for a few hours a day. I'd be happy to chat on a coffee break, but I need to have some quiet time please"

But that won't help either, because it makes too many words. By far.

It is essential to stay absolutely focused in such cases. You want something, so you say what you want, and nothing else. And then silence.

Silence is your goal.

Nothing about what you yourself are doing, only what you want the other one to do. Nothing about coffee and nothing about last year's vacation on that beautiful island in the sun with the bowling club and how drunk they all were... The barest minimum is the right amount of politeness.

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[–] scarabic@lemmy.world 13 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

I think there are diplomatic ways for you to express your preference. You could say: “I don’t mean to be rude, but I prefer to really stay focused at work and socializing can drain my battery or distract me for a while afterward. Is it all right with you if I keep to myself for the most part?”

He’s obviously taking your behavior as a sign that he’s done something wrong, and not just your preference for how you like to be at work. He’s probably trying to fix it or improve relations with you, and this is making it worse. The standoffish behavior you’re showing him is feeding his sense that there’s a problem he needs to address with you, so take a different tack.

[–] TropicalDingdong@lemmy.world 12 points 1 week ago

I’m torn because I want to tell him to leave me alone, that I don’t care about his life,

Tell them to leave you alone, that you don't care about their life.

I'm 100% serious. Just be honest if thats the way you feel. It sets up boundaries and if they are a sane person, they'll respect you for your honesty.

[–] PP_BOY_@lemmy.world 12 points 1 week ago

Have you tried telling him.. to leave you alone?

[–] feedum_sneedson@lemmy.world 11 points 1 week ago (1 children)

If you're a guy, I have found treating these interactions as mindfulness exercises is helpful. If you're a woman, he's in love with you, I'm sorry.

[–] LuckyPierre@lemm.ee 6 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Dude, even if OP is a guy, he might still be in love with him.

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[–] Rooty@lemmy.world 10 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

"I am focused on task x and cannot talk to you".

Does he have a job to do or is he just there to pester people with smalltalk?

[–] MedicPigBabySaver@lemmy.world 9 points 1 week ago

"Please, leave me alone."

Nicely, no more than 2 episodes.

If additional episodes occur:

"Please, leave me alone or I'll complain to HR."

[–] beefbot@lemmy.blahaj.zone 9 points 1 week ago

No one seems to be mentioning what I suspect might be the problem here

He’s a man and you’re a woman, is this the case ? and he will NOT leave you alone. I don’t blame you for not mentioning that part, given all the bullshit that straight guys do.

If that’s the case: this is an issue for HR and when they don’t believe you, it’s an issue for a lawyer (because then they might believe you)

[–] Maalus@lemmy.world 8 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Nobody here noticed the tinny little fact that you seem to be a woman. One that works out and attracts attention (i.e. your story about a dude eyeing you in the park). The coworker might simply find you attractive.

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[–] RBWells@lemmy.world 8 points 1 week ago

"Not now, I am busy"

"Great! I need to work now, see you around!'

You don't need to be boring - I am telling you, working woman to working woman, that is an ineffective strategy with determined guys. You need to convince him you do not have time for him in your full and interesting life.

[–] hendrik@palaver.p3x.de 7 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

Well, sometimes people just don't ever get it and they need to be told to fuck off in very blunt words. I think that usually poisons the well and dries up further conversation, permanently. But I'm not sure if this is the case here. And that strategy possibly comes with other severe consequences. So I won't recommend it. The mild version of it is to just be direct and honest, skipping any overly kind phrasing.

Another strategy would be to have someone else talk to him... You yourself seem to be getting nowhere. But maybe he listens to other people, or they're somehow more gifted to get through to people like him.

What also sometimes works (depending on circumstances) are large headphones. They might be part of your work anyways, if you're doing online-meetings in the office, or you are allowed to listen to music... Either do that and you can't hear him anyways, or just put them on all day and say "Huh?" 200 times a day and see if he picks up on it. Though, this might not work if he's stupid, as well. Or he might start tapping you on the shoulder and invade your privacy even more... Idk. But headphones have worked for me in various situations. Especially if they're big and noticeable.

[–] jbrains@sh.itjust.works 7 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

You're not responsible for meeting this man's needs. You don't need to trick him. "Please leave me alone." If he does not do this simple thing, then you have not committed any offence and you can train yourself not to feel bad about it. You already meditate, so you might make your tendency to feel bad about this into an object of meditation.

Unfortunately, you can't control his behavior. He might still try to sit down next to you and talk to you about things that don't interest you. I don't know what more you can do than ask him to stop doing this and hope he complies. "Please stop doing this. I'm just not interested. I prefer to be alone." It is compassionate to say nothing more than this.

As for why you're like this, that's very likely because someone taught to you to care about other people's feelings and didn't teach you that their feelings are not your fault. This seems pretty common.

The stories you tell yourself about why he does this and the stories you tell yourself to explain your own behavior... they probably don't help you much, do they?

Peace.

[–] AbsoluteChicagoDog@lemm.ee 7 points 1 week ago

What did he say when you directly told him to leave you alone and give you more space?

[–] Bosht@lemmy.world 7 points 1 week ago

If you're trying to salvage a work relationship and 'say the right things' I get it, but sometimes being blunt and abrupt is exactly what's needed. Something short but courteous like 'its always great catching up but I need to get to work' or even more direct like 'im sorry but I don't have time to be doing this in the mornings and these conversations are putting me behind on my work.' or if this isn't a situation where you're trying to preserve a work relationship go the abrasive route and state that you've tried to be kind but if he doesn't stop talking to you you'll be forced to go to HR. You have protections for exactly this situation if you do report to HR.

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