this post was submitted on 11 Feb 2025
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I'll go first: I'm not actually the famed reclusive author Thomas Pynchon.

I was actually Richard Hell from Television and The Voidoids, the whole time.

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[–] GayTuckerCarlson@hexbear.net 34 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)
[–] RotundLadSloopUnion@hexbear.net 16 points 3 weeks ago

:live-tucker-reaction:

[–] Parsani@hexbear.net 29 points 3 weeks ago

I sold the domain name to DOGE for a cybertruck coupon ($50 off)

[–] SorosFootSoldier@hexbear.net 28 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

I've actually never met George Soros nor worked for him.

[–] sharkfucker420@lemmy.ml 14 points 3 weeks ago

unbelievable

[–] blunder@hexbear.net 21 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

I spend more of my life on this website than I would ever confess to another person

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[–] Gorb@hexbear.net 21 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

I'm sorry you all had to find out this way but I'm straight

[–] HiImThomasPynchon@hexbear.net 8 points 3 weeks ago

Now that you're out, the plane's gonna right itself and we're all gonna live

[–] ComradeOohAah@hexbear.net 20 points 3 weeks ago

Xi didn't really personally recruit me to make a CCP Brainwashing Milker. I just wanted you folks to think I was cool. I'm sorry for lying.

spoilerIt was China's ambassador to the US. We've been in contact for years now, ever since I got honeypotted by a CCP findom on tiktok.

[–] HelluvaBottomCarter@hexbear.net 20 points 3 weeks ago

It was me Hexbear. John Kerry, Silver Legion, Veganism, Outdoor cats, moving stones, throwing batteries into the ocean, liberalsocialist.

I'm the author of all your pain.

[–] NotCIA@hexbear.net 20 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

I'm actually CIA.

We're pulling strings behind the scenes to get the site UP and save the domain name. It's preferable to keep all the weirdos in one place for easier observation.

[–] Aradina@lemmy.ml 18 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)
[–] HiImThomasPynchon@hexbear.net 11 points 3 weeks ago

See, now that you're out, the plane's gonna right itself and we're all gonna live.

[–] corgiwithalaptop@hexbear.net 17 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

I have a crush on the person reading this and want to smooch them

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[–] kittin@hexbear.net 16 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

I was a liberal the whole time

[–] KuroXppi@hexbear.net 12 points 3 weeks ago
[–] Ram_The_Manparts@hexbear.net 16 points 3 weeks ago

I'm actually Barron Trump

[–] AntifaSuperWombat@hexbear.net 16 points 3 weeks ago

My first and only celebrity crush was Elliot Page because I envied him for seemingly being a lesbian when I was still in denial.

But joke’s on me I guess.

[–] Alaskaball@hexbear.net 16 points 3 weeks ago (4 children)

I fucking love hololive and holostars

[–] CrawlMarks@hexbear.net 12 points 3 weeks ago

Sometimes girls just wanna have fun

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[–] KuroXppi@hexbear.net 15 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

I've never listened to cth and never intend to

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[–] DinosaurThussy@hexbear.net 15 points 3 weeks ago

You know how I’ve been advertising weight loss supplements and exercise equipment on my TikTok? Since the app’s getting banned I may as well share that I’ve actually been thin the whole time and I don’t use any of those products

12 hours later

Hahahaha what a funny joke I made, right guys?

[–] vegeta1@hexbear.net 15 points 3 weeks ago

Kakarot is a true saiyan warrior and sometimes bests me.

[–] RobnHood@hexbear.net 15 points 3 weeks ago

I am BlackMoldFutures ex wife

[–] BobDole@hexbear.net 14 points 3 weeks ago

Bob Dole is posting from hell. Having to spend eternity on this liberal website is Bob Dole’s eternal punishment.

[–] WhyEssEff@hexbear.net 14 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)
[–] HiImThomasPynchon@hexbear.net 9 points 3 weeks ago

Ah great, now you're gonna go broke

[–] ghosts@hexbear.net 13 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

this account is actually four different people bureaucracy posting since before it was cool

[–] ghosts@hexbear.net 11 points 3 weeks ago

Or maybe we just have multiple personalities crush

[–] aFairlyLargeCat@hexbear.net 13 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

The owl never got dirty enough for me!

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[–] FunkyStuff@hexbear.net 13 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

How do I get my kids to stop dressing up as you?

[–] HiImThomasPynchon@hexbear.net 12 points 3 weeks ago

Encourage it

[–] tactical_trans_karen@hexbear.net 12 points 3 weeks ago

My name... It's not actually Karen. I also think you're all a bunch of cuties and have a crush on you. stalin-heart

I'm taken tho, sorry folks.

[–] Beaver@hexbear.net 12 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

I'm not actually a sentient Beaver

[–] Owl@hexbear.net 9 points 3 weeks ago

I'm also not a sentient beaver.

[–] radio_free_asgarthr@hexbear.net 12 points 3 weeks ago

I am actually funded by the Norwegian sovereign wealth fund and Norway secular groups, unlike the other Radio Free outlets. That's why I am still working after the USAID defunding.

[–] kleeon@hexbear.net 11 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

I like rewatching old episodes of south park

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[–] KuroXppi@hexbear.net 11 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

I had sex once after taking the volcel pledge

[–] KuroXppi@hexbear.net 10 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

I don't actually think beanis is funny I just post it for internet points and validation

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[–] DeathToBritain@hexbear.net 11 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

one time I pissed in the megathread

[–] HiImThomasPynchon@hexbear.net 8 points 3 weeks ago

All my best posts and comments were made on the can

[–] someone@hexbear.net 11 points 3 weeks ago

I'm the one who ghosted you on grindr last week.

[–] Finger@hexbear.net 9 points 3 weeks ago

Walter White was right about everything the whole time.

[–] GalaxyBrain@hexbear.net 9 points 3 weeks ago

I'm DB Cooper

[–] CrookedSerpent@hexbear.net 8 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)
[–] HiImThomasPynchon@hexbear.net 8 points 3 weeks ago
[–] Grownbravy@hexbear.net 8 points 3 weeks ago

I am not a condiment sauce, not that there were any hints I would be. Figured I'd clear that up.

[–] adultswim_antifa@hexbear.net 8 points 3 weeks ago

I've never liked Pokemon. Nothing about it appeals to me.

[–] rtstragedy@hexbear.net 8 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

my gf encouraged me listen to rap music and now I like it

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