NonCredibleDefense

If you’re ever confused about computers, just remember that they’re basically rocks that we ground up extremely finely and pressed really really flat. Then we etched those flattened rocks with runes that are invisible to the naked eye, using esoteric processes that require countless man hours and rigorous clean room ceremony from everyone involved. Finally, we charged those rune-etched rocks with lightning that we have extracted out of spinning magnets and copper, and refined into a reliable source of power. All so the rocks could do basic math really quickly.

The fact that computers work at all is just straight up wizardry.

At one of my first jobs we had a big printer that would occasionally just stall in the middle of a job. Our in-house tech guy inspected it, but he could never troubleshoot it because it always worked when he was around. One time he walked in through the computer room door and it started up in the back of the room. Another time he was talking to our manager out front and we all heard it start up, all by itself. Finally he brought in a wallet-size photo of himself and taped it to the inside of the cover, facing the print mechanism. It never stalled again!

Holly ran Red Dwarf and he had to be placated all the time. Went mad 3 days a week.

I have worked in IT for about 15 thousand years now I think, and the number of times I've had to take a malfunctioning computer or piece of equipment "For a drive" is beyond counting. It started with taking broken things back to head office where they would suddenly work fine. Put back in situ, they stay fine. Eventually I learned that I don't even have to bring it back to head office, just unplug it, put it in the van,drive around the block a few times, maybe go get lunch, return to site, and reinstall it. Repeated reboots, long power drain cycles of leaving it unplugged, or unplugging it and walking to the door with the threat of a drive were not enough,it had to go in the car, and the car had to move.

My actual home desktop PC still does this. Every few months, it randomly turns off, and then won't respond to power button presses at all. No POST, no fan spin, nothing. I take it to the park, or down to the river for a bit while I go for a walk, take it home, lo, it works fine. 6 years this has been going on.

I spent 20 years in and around IT and the more time I spent around computers, the more superstitious I got about them.

It makes sense. Humans create and maintain systems so complicated that no single person can fully understand them. The classic example illustrating this is the essay: I, Pencil

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I had the same issues with the communications suite on USS BOISE (SSN764). I ran a division of 11 great guys who did their jobs well, got their work done, and did minimal damage during radio room WWE events. There were a few personalization items in the radio room. One was a dancing hula figurine, who really got it on during any flank bell. There was the bobble-head turtle, who looked like the Engineering Officer - the absolute worst Officer of the Deck, and a few pop-culture comics (mostly Robot-Chicken stuff) taped up inside of a few COTS equipment racks. There was nothing lewd, and nobody naked...you know, modern Navy.

Now, the radio room is a SCIF, so only the radiomen and a few officers ever go in there. You'd never find the Sunday afternoon girl scout tour going through Radio.

Anyway, the captain comes in one day, sees some of the personalization items, and says, "Hey, Chief. Some of this stuff is a little less than professional." I chuckled and said, "Yes sir."

A few weeks later, during a stop to Radio, the Captain sees the same stuff, and says, "Chief. I thought we discussed this stuff being unprofessional?" I responded, "Yes sir. We did." He left.

A week later, I walked into Radio, and the Captain is talking to one of my guys, and when he sees me, he said, "Chief. Didn't we agree that some of this stuff was unprofessional?" I said, "Yes sir." He said, "You should probably consider getting rid of it." I replied, "Yes sir."

About a month passed, when the buzzer went off. One of the guys opened the door, and the Captain came in. As he made his way to the aft end of Radio, I saw the flash of anger on his face, before he said, "Chief! I thought you were going to take this stuff down?!" I said, "Well, sir, I considered it, but unprofessional as it might be, there's nothing lewd, nothing morally offensive, it's all in a place where nobody except the people who work here would ever see it. My guys work their asses off, do everything they're supposed to do, and do it well. If a couple comic strip, a hula girl and a bobble head turtle keep them happy and working well, is that really too high of a cost to us? Plenty of WWII bombers and fighters had unprofessional things prominently painted on their hulls, and displayed proudly. Everything on this boat that doesn't have to be painted a certain color, and is not wood-laminate is painted blue or orange, after Boise State. It looks gaudy, and as far as I know, neither Idaho, Boise, or Boise State University has ever some anything for this boat. My last boat did the same thing, but in purple and gold, with viking emblems everywhere - talk about offensive!" The Captain stared at me for a moment, and said, "Well, I don't like it." I said, "Yes sir." He left.

A couple weeks later, I'm in the Chiefs Quarters, and one of my guys comes down and says, "Chief, the CO wants you." I said, "OK. In his stateroom?" He said, "No. Radio." Oh shit.

Up to Radio I went, where I found the Captain, "God damn-it, Chief! Everything is still here!" "Yes, sir." We stared at each other for what must have been a full minute. He said, "Well, were you ever planning on removing it?" He looked past me, to one of my guys, and said, "Go get the COB." The COB (Chief of the Boat) is the Command Master Chief. We just stared at one another, until by the grace of God, the phone rang, and I ended up on the phone, and a laptop for a few minutes. When the call ended, the COB was in the room. The Captain said, "COB, this is the stuff I was telling you about."

We had a Mexican stand-off staring contest.

The COB finally said, "Well?" I said, "Well, if he had ordered me to get rid of it, I would have gotten rid of it." The Captain asked, "You're going to make me order you to get rid of it?!" I looked at the Captain, then the COB (I was standing between them). The Captain then walked out, and the COB followed him.

About 20 minutes later, I went back down to the Chiefs Quarters. The COB was reading a book. As soon as I walked in, he asked, "Did you get rid of that stuff?" I said, "No." He asked, "Why are you keeping it, when you know the skipper doesn't like it?" I said, "My division does its job really well, they don't give me any trouble. There's not much I can do to reward them for doing well, but if that little thing makes them happy for months inside this miserable fucking boat, then they should have it. If the skipper orders me to take it down, I will, and I suspect if it's really that important to him, he'll give the order. This turned into some stupid pissing contest a long time ago, but I won't choose to lose. He'll have to order me to make him the winner."

The COB shook his head and laughed. None of it was mentioned again, and everything was still there when I transferred 2 years later.

I feel like the box being made out of metal was probably more important than the chicken soul, but whatever works I guess

In my lab we have two "identical" industrial sewing machines, but we pretty much only ever use one of them. Bobbi is a well tempered and polite machine, and the unarmed one likes to break threads and throw broken needles at you.

Reminds me of that old magic/more magic switch story.

As someone who's worked on the design of similar shit all I have to say is:

PUT! THE CHICKEN! BACK!!!

Animism is alive and well.

They could have just used an old bucket of KFC. Poor chicken.

Do you want Comstar? Because this is how you get Comstar.

The peace of Blake be with you.

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