this post was submitted on 10 May 2025
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Lemmy Shitpost

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Welcome to Lemmy Shitpost. Here you can shitpost to your hearts content.

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[–] felixwhynot@lemmy.world 114 points 4 weeks ago (1 children)

Banger post. Deaf community goes hard

[–] VitoRobles 83 points 4 weeks ago (1 children)

Sorry, can't hear you over my massive dong.

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[–] finitebanjo@lemmy.world 59 points 4 weeks ago (2 children)

Gosh, only thing I can think of is self-repairing telomeres.

Everything else is perfect, might as well live for hundreds of years.

[–] baguettefish@discuss.tchncs.de 20 points 4 weeks ago

I wouldn't be optimistic, something else may break

[–] Kecessa@sh.itjust.works 18 points 4 weeks ago* (last edited 4 weeks ago) (10 children)

Everything else is perfect? You don't have joints?

[–] Qwaffle_waffle@sh.itjust.works 15 points 4 weeks ago (1 children)

Just an immortal pile of goo.

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[–] starbrite@lemmy.zip 57 points 4 weeks ago (6 children)

My brain, i hate being neurodivergent it'd be so great to just fOCUSSS

[–] Kecessa@sh.itjust.works 32 points 4 weeks ago* (last edited 4 weeks ago) (1 children)

It's funny, there's a local TV program where people can anonymously ask adults and kids with various handicaps questions they wouldn't dare ask them directly and "would you rather not have it" is always one of them. The adults always dodge the question by saying that it's not as bad as it seems and so on and then the kids always reply like you did "I would much rather not have any issues!"

[–] kopasz7@sh.itjust.works 51 points 4 weeks ago (2 children)

The adults: I learned to live with it and now it became part of my identity

The kids: this sucks! everyone's mean to me and the world makes no sense!

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[–] Droggelbecher@lemmy.world 17 points 4 weeks ago (2 children)

I'd upgrade the depression away from my brain and give myself the ability for hyperfocus at will and to turn off sensory issues. Taking the autism and ADHD away altogether would leave me a different human, idk that almost feels like dying a little bit, or being lobotomized. Wouldn't want to lose a part of my brain that makes me me. But super valid to want to be neurotypical!

Thinking about it, if it counts as an organ, idk if I wouldn't rather change my immune system to stop attacking healthy tissue and get better at attacking viruses instead. Tough choice.

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[–] DragonTypeWyvern@midwest.social 14 points 4 weeks ago (1 children)
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[–] FilthyShrooms@lemmy.world 9 points 4 weeks ago

The only upgrade I want is to be able to control the hyperfocus

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[–] hOrni@lemmy.world 55 points 4 weeks ago (1 children)

I already have a big cock. So I would choose a bigger cock.

[–] crowbar@lemm.ee 15 points 3 weeks ago

Hey, spare some cock for us too!

Hmm i think i worded that wrong...

[–] Tattorack@lemmy.world 46 points 4 weeks ago* (last edited 4 weeks ago) (1 children)

Having a bigger dick is overrated. Great for fantasy, but very impractical.

I'd upgrade my lungs to be better filters and oxygenate my blood. My immune system to fight diseases my efficiently (turn it into a scalpel rather than a cluster-nuke). My brain to retain it's learning capabilities well into my later years. Completely overhaul my metabolism so that I won't have to do heavy exercise to get good muscles (really, all that exercise just exists to make one chemical reaction happen).

After that, then, only then, might I consider doing something with my dick. Though perhaps more with my balls, so I can just switch off the reproductive capabilities to ensure safe sex.

[–] Obi@sopuli.xyz 59 points 4 weeks ago (1 children)

It said one organ, you went on a shopping spree haha.

[–] Tattorack@lemmy.world 31 points 4 weeks ago (1 children)
[–] ulterno@programming.dev 10 points 3 weeks ago

From the moment I understood

[–] Canonical_Warlock@lemmy.dbzer0.com 35 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Definitely my spine. There's a reason basically anyone who has worked in the trades for a while has a fucked up back. It would be nice to avoid my impending back problems.

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[–] untakenusername@sh.itjust.works 33 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

better brain

with that I can make more money and with that I can just buy new organs

[–] Canonical_Warlock@lemmy.dbzer0.com 25 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Congrats. You now feel anxiety twice as intensely.

[–] untakenusername@sh.itjust.works 12 points 3 weeks ago (3 children)

yeah but now I can buy 2x the anxiety meds because of all my money

[–] shneancy@lemmy.world 11 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

being smart is overrated, and it actively makes anxiety worse because you can come up with pretty good rationalisations and then be anxious faster

[–] AngrySquirrel@lemm.ee 10 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (5 children)

I mean, he didn't say smarter; he said a better brain. I would also love a better brain, which to me would not mean an increase in intelligence. On paper, I'm allegedly well into the gifted territory of the IQ scale, but my developmental and learning disabilities, especially my poor executive functioning, have led to me working fast food...

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[–] Hyphlosion@lemm.ee 28 points 4 weeks ago

Sometimes I wonder if my brain was already donated.

[–] Rolder@reddthat.com 26 points 4 weeks ago (1 children)

Can I just say “my immune system”? That’d prevent all kinds of diseases and make you cancer proof!

[–] tocano 12 points 4 weeks ago (1 children)

not an organ and having a stronger immune system would kill you

[–] Rolder@reddthat.com 15 points 3 weeks ago

Post didn’t say stronger it said upgrade. And it wouldn’t be an upgrade if it killed me!

[–] altphoto 25 points 4 weeks ago

I asked the lady with no legs. She said bigger dick.

[–] Aeri@lemmy.world 24 points 4 weeks ago (4 children)

Heart failure is one of the biggest killers out there. I think you'd have a better odds of living a long life with some kind of super heart. Your heart is basically just a water pump that has to remain online for 100 years or you die fast.

[–] Lumiluz@slrpnk.net 9 points 4 weeks ago (1 children)
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[–] Cryophilia@lemmy.world 24 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Can we pick the nature of the upgrade? I want to pee champagne

[–] kingpepe8006@sh.itjust.works 31 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)
[–] Cryophilia@lemmy.world 17 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)
[–] Fillicia@sh.itjust.works 18 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

And you can only pee in the champagne region of France.

[–] memberberries@sopuli.xyz 19 points 3 weeks ago

Otherwise it’s only called sparkling piss.

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[–] BlueMagma@sh.itjust.works 22 points 3 weeks ago (6 children)

Infinite wishes situation : upgrade your brain such that you are sufficiently smart to bio-engineer all the other organs.

[–] mechoman444@lemmy.world 14 points 3 weeks ago

Or! OR! Downgrade your brain so you're just dumb enough to feel constant happiness.

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[–] Evotech@lemmy.world 21 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

Probably brain, responsetime

Who am I kidding, it’s gonna be vibrating dick

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[–] frog_brawler@lemmy.world 19 points 4 weeks ago (4 children)

Upgrade my liver, stay drunk for the next 3 years and 9 months.

[–] apex32@lemmy.world 12 points 4 weeks ago (3 children)

Isn't that backwards? The liver filters alcohol out of the body. I would think an upgraded liver would sober you up quicker.

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[–] UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world 16 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (7 children)

All y'all are picking dick.

But the correct answer is the balls. Need something more durable and with a faster reload time.

[–] 13igTyme@lemmy.world 12 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

Then you want to upgrade your prostate, not balls.

[–] illegible@discuss.tchncs.de 11 points 3 weeks ago

How many times a day do you need to jerk off?!

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[–] son_named_bort@lemmy.world 16 points 3 weeks ago

I'd upgrade my balls so that they aren't vulnerable when being attacked. That way I can steal Bobby Hill's purse and get away with it.

[–] weariedfae@sh.itjust.works 15 points 4 weeks ago

Sinuses. Those fuckers are overdue for an upgrade. Can you imagine never being congested again?

Brain is the right answer but sinuses are #2.

[–] throwawayacc0430@sh.itjust.works 13 points 3 weeks ago

Transgender Men have joined the chat

[–] guy@piefed.social 13 points 3 weeks ago (5 children)

Brain is a no-brainer. It's okay as it is, but having an optimal one sounds terrific

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[–] shneancy@lemmy.world 11 points 4 weeks ago

my skin, i think the one organ that protects all the other organs is long overdue for an upgrade

[–] nerv@lemmynsfw.com 9 points 3 weeks ago

Skeletal structure.

This implies stronger bones and stronger joints. With a stronger framework to hold your muscles, you get a sturdier body.

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