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Honestly, I've used "hey, can we keep it to friends" a lot over the years. Partners I've more earnestly turned down have sat there and quizzed me nonstop as to why, some have turned violent, and then there are the quiet ones that just slander you continually. Emotional blackmail is the bare minimum I've expected over the years.
The amount of absolutely insane women out there is beyond frightening.
Tell her you have a boyfriend.
That’s like saying “you can’t fire me, I quit!”. Better to either accept it and be happy to have a good friend, or limit contact with that person if you find it hard to be around them knowing that they’re not romantically/sexually interested.
Honest reply is always best:
"I'm crushed and devasatated and will never recover from this. I shall now retire into obscurity, quiet reflection and resentment."
I wish I could have told my late high school self this.
We all wish we could go back and coach ourselves. All we can do is guide the younger generations.
Cut losses. If you find yourself hung up on her, go no contact until you've gotten over it. Too many other partners out there to be hung up on one that is having different feelings.
Stay frosty out there, kings and queens.
I was way into a girl and said, "I like you a lot and enjoy our talks, would you like to date me?" She said, "No, not really, but I'd like to still be friends." And I said no thanks. Not because I was being a dick or anything, but I was too in to her to be friends. We drifted apart and both found someone else that was a better match for each of us.
Honestly, this is the best response. If you're out dating to find a partner, it doesn't make sense to stay friends with someone you were interested in, unless you have other interests.
Sometimes it be like that.
username how
Oh, lol. I don't see it in Voyager, haha. It's Emoji letters on the main website in place of my displayed username though.
Exactly. Then you can reconnect and be friends. By that time the feelings are done, but if not. Keep up that no contact!
just take the L and move on, don't embarrass yourself. people can see through that bullshit.
Lol imagine talking to other people. Pathetic.
Some just haven't met enough people it seems.
I only talk to my cat. Everyone else on Lemmy is just a figment of my imagination.
I thought we were all dogs using the internet while the humans were away. Yall are dogs to right?
idk man that's just petty
could you explain that? i don't get how it's petty.
Idk man it's lying? Why not just take the L. Posturing is exhausting
You gain nothing from this lie. Maybe you will look a bit cooler for the girl who doesn't want to be with you
Just say 👍 and move on.
If you want to hedgehog your bets, add "If you're not married by 40, call me."
one of my besties, she confided in me that she had like six different people come up to her with that and she was tired of being people's second, third, fourth, whatever choice. so one day at our biweekly lunch date, i told her "hey, if we're both still single at 35, mudrer suicide?" and she about lost it laughing.
Don't have to move on platonically, though. More friends is always nice.
Middle school dating strategy
I did this after my first girlfriend broke up with me... in middle school. This is insecure adolescent boy behavior, anyone doing this kind of thing as an adult is maladjusted.
A girl I had started dating friend zoned me. I played it off cool saying “wanna just be casual?” (I didn’t wanna just be casual). Almost 4 years later and we’re still together :)
I think the moral of the story is you just have to trust the universe sometimes
Girl tried to friend zone me. I wasnt having it. I had already fallen hard. I told her that i didnt think i could be friends because my feelings for her would be in the way. If she ever wanted to pursue, give me a call and ill be right there.
That was 14 years ago. We've been married almost 10 years now
Are you still friend zoned?
Nope! The friend zone only lasted like two weeks. I think we were meant to be together though. Life can just be a little overwhelming in the moment.
Lucky it took me six months to get the proper level of stockholm syndrome into my now wife.
We've only been married for 20 years. How can I be sure she really likes me?
Just to be clear, this is not at all what I was suggesting
What you didn’t tie your wife up in the basement for six months?
My fiancé has the patience of a saint. 8 years before the Stockholm Syndrome took me 😅
Sorry, only choice is to become a goblin.
i mean that's the only way to get a partner anyways
Dark blue scribble
"just be friends" can often be a way to euphemistically say "fuck off and leave me alone" because a girl who actually says "fuck off and leave me alone" out loud for real runs the risk of a fragile, shallow, unhinged, emotionally unstable man going berserk and MURDERING her.
Obviously nobody likes to hear this but it DOES happen--not every time but it does not need to be every time in order to factor as a risk; like how "every gun is ALWAYS loaded--ESPECIALLY a gun that is 'Not Loaded'!"
The list of people who are murdered for refusing a romantic advance gets longer every day, and the unfortunate truth is that the majority of the victims on that list are women, and that the majority of the perpetrators on that list are men. Statistically speaking, it is simply a matter of common sense precaution to hedge the possibility of a violent reaction by offering "friendship" in the hopes that the other party will be de-escalated enough to not flip out.
That said, I have managed to maintain friendships with some of the people I've previously had romantic feelings for, but it took me bridging the honesty gap FOR them: actually offering them the chance to clarify; that they face no danger in being direct with me and that I both CAN and WILL in fact peacefully go fuck off forever if that's what they actually meant. Thinking back, there's only two ex partners who didn't want to talk to me at all anymore after the romantic stage crashed. The fact that it's non-zero though, that there was even ONE person who was initially lying when they offered "consolation prize friendship" (although forgivably because they were just protecting themselves), tells me all I ever needed to know.
Disclaimer: Am not an USian but an European.
https://shs.cairn.info/revue-francaise-de-sociologie-1-2007-5-page-101?lang=en
This is a French journal about fear in women and how it affects their mobility. Whenever someone says
the risk of a fragile, shallow, unhinged, emotionally unstable man going berserk and MURDERING her.
it pops in my mind. The data they gathered suggests that women fear of violence is unrelated to actual rates of said violence happening, but is correlated to past smaller transgressions ("anticipated violence"). Long story short, if you were ever catcalled, or given a [clumsy] compliment, you're likely to imagine ("anticipate") out-of-proportion violence in multiple contexts.
The actual crime rate and crime gender proportion (in the US) - https://counciloncj.org/womens-justice-by-the-numbers/ - violence victims rate is 60-70% down since 1984 and since 2009 men and women are as likely to be the victim [before that men were most likely]; and the number of women perpetrators grown up. Oh, and the homicide rate by spouse is also closing the gap (although some studies suggest that the increase in women killing their husbands should be attributed to them not being dismissed as potential perpetrators by the police force)
I'm not dismissing your feelings OP, and your strategy seems very prudent, but I want to add to this discussion that it's much much safer than you or the social media will try to paint, despite the fear you feel.
And that you're not more likely to be a victim of a violent crime than a man (https://counciloncj.org/womens-justice-by-the-numbers/).
Honestly thank you so much for your enlightening insights! It'll be helpful for me to digest!
Wasn't there a subreddit r/whenwomenrefuse
Indeed! I don't use Reddit much anymore but I can't un-see what I saw in there...
Welcome to a space that is a bit less misogynistic
