The Onion

If only...

If only...

There’s a up-and-coming political star that is making waves on the local level, 5-year-old Jerry Manders from Chicago, Illinois, has been identified as a lying prodigy with a skill set so advanced that he is already being hailed as a future star in American politics.

“Yes, I did my homework last night,” Jerry fibbed to his kindergarten teacher earlier this week, not knowing that this precise moment would set him on a path to future public office. Jerry, who had instead spent the prior evening watching toy unboxing videos, showcased a remarkable aptitude for deflecting blame, disarming his opponents with confusing rhetoric, and a natural talent for lying constantly—all foundational skills in the political arena.

https://tattletaletimes.com/index.php/2023/09/01/jerry-manders-5-year-old-prodigy-liar-already-hailed-as-future-political-star/

At the bottom of the list, we have this drawing from 1984 Christmas horror flick Silent Night, Deadly Night. Unless you are a very careful four year-old unacquainted with the concept of The Red Liquid That Nourishes, this is not a creepy drawing in the slightest, but perhaps even more importantly, it doesn’t look at all like a child made it. Notice the lack of course-correction on any of the lines, the expert shading and perspective on the deer’s legs, the even, perfect coloring. This doesn’t read like a frantic vision of violence from an eight year-old traumatized by a murderous mall Santa three years prior. This is something an edgy teen draws during the school Christmas party to let their peers know they are no longer under the spell of childhood.

This made me laugh but I would be sad if my mother saw it

#Austrian newspaper oe24 takes over Postillon article

In a world where fact and fiction often merge indistinguishably, a curious story is causing a stir and hilarity. Jörg Thomann, a fictional character from Frankfurt, has allegedly managed to realize his dream: After six years of meticulously searching for and collecting fallen Boeing parts, he built his own airplane. This story, originally published as satire by Postillon, was shared on Instagram by the Austrian daily newspaper OE24 and mistakenly taken at face value. Over 1,000 users responded to the post with a "like" within a few hours, a testament to the viral nature of misinformation.

[…]

Translated using Deepl

Original article by Der Postillon

#Finally complete: Collector builds his own airplane from lost Boeing parts

Frankfurt (dpo) - It was hard work, but it was worth it: after six years, collector and hobbyist Jörg Thomann from Frankfurt has managed to collect enough fallen Boeing parts to build his own airplane.

[…]

Translated using Deepl

oe24 already deleted its Instagram post.

WASHINGTON—In a historic ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court declared Tuesday that Americans have the right to roofies. “A sexual predator’s right to Rohypnol is an issue of personal liberty that must not be infringed upon,” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh, who grew visibly emotional during oral arguments, asserting through tears that if the date-rape drug had been legal during his time as a college student, it would have “changed [his] life.” “Under the 14th Amendment, the DEA’s prohibition of Rohypnol is unconstitutional. Creeps and perverts are entitled to the same rights as those who have never sexually assaulted or attempted to sexually assault anyone. The Founding Fathers would have absolutely taken a dose of flunitrazepam to the tavern with them.” At press time, telehealth company Hims had already released a new ad campaign targeting men who want roofies but are too embarrassed to speak to their doctor about it.