Hiiii!
Today: a short yap about computer hardware:
Damn I love the AM4 socket its so upgradable yay, bought a Ryzen 9 5900X for our old desktop soon to be homelab and so excited for it.
Computers are fun! ~~(and expensive)~~
Join our public Matrix server!
https://matrix.to//#/#tracha-space:transfem.dev
https://rentry.co/tracha#tracha-rooms
As a reminder, please do not discuss current struggle sessions in the mega. We want this to be a little oasis for all of us and the best way to do that is not to feed into existing conflict on the site.
Also, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
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::: spoiler spoiler It's a small thing for sure. I'll get new frames, the hour or so when I realized I lost them was painful. I can see 90% fine without them and I like my face more than I thought I did, so hooray?
I haven't talked about high school really! I stayed busy with school. I dated a girl on and off, it was just very emotionally confusing. We broke up a month after we both went to college. One of my siblings transitioned, and the other entered a complicated relationship. These things took up a lot of my parents' energy.
I didn't really have space to feel everything I was going through, my own thoughts on what my siblings were dealing with, etc. I kinda internalized that I have to deal with stuff alone, I think. I was insecure about my masculinity for a while, I didn't begin to question my sexuality until towards the end of college.
I relate to so much of what you wrote. I always felt like I was being good by keeping to myself, that I was helping them focus on what seemed important. Realizing that that's a mission with no real end goal has been tough. I assume I'm supposed to be quiet and helpful, and when I want to be loud or say something important, I don't know where or when or how. The anxiety kicks in.
I have to remind myself that I'm on my own, not like, Forever Alone, just like, I'm doing my own thing. Which is fine! The feeling of needing that attachment is something I'm working through though.
spoiler
I think it's a pretty common experience for trans people but trans women more often, I've heard it from a few people. I don't know why it is that we seem to work very hard to be hyper independent and to make our needs small, especially before transitioning. I thought I was being a dutiful son as well, maybe I was but the role of the kid is to be taken care of by the parent. I shouldn't have been so focused on protecting my mom from my needs when I was 5 or 10, which is probably part of why my mom feels so sad when I mention how hard a time I had at that young. She was busy, she was going to university and law school and working and raising 3 kids with a dead beat divorced dad.Getting past that and starting to claim your space, to ask for help, is so fraught for people like us. Because some people cab be quite unkind to adults asking for help, not merely rejecting (hard enough particularly if someone is sensitive to rejection) but like... harsh. Keep doing what you're doing! It's good that you vent, that you make your needs known (sorry if I've been misinterpreting them lol).
I'm glad losing your glasses ended up being alright. I can understand how it might feel like you were losing part of your ability to feminizie a little, glad you like your face though!! That's amazing!