traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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I've been questioning my gender recently and think I might be trans, but I worry that it is for the wrong reasons. I've been depressed for a long time and I'm idealizing womanhood/being a woman as a way out. I dream that through transitioning I will become more inherently lovable, more capable of loving, less lonely, more beautiful, more alive.
More than anything I wish I could 'know' what I'm meant to be, what steps I can take to be happier.
Do you have reason to believe you will be more alive, capable of loving, and more beautiful? Do you want to be?
There is definitely a 'greener grass' effect happening here, but my perception of women from media and people I know is that they experience emotion and interpersonal connection in a way that feels entirely closed off to me. I've read accounts of trans women describing whole new worlds of emotion during transition, either by way of estrogen/HRT or self acceptance, and I want that.
I can confirm that anecdotally. Do you find you feel emotionally closed off or deadened? It's cool to be able to actually cry, or be super effusive, or stuff like that. It's troublesome for me because I have the emotional regulation of a five year old but I wouldn't change it.
I think desiring this for yourself is valid, honestly. Besides, what cisgender man looks at conceptions of women's emotions and goes, "god I wish that were me
" right?? That's not a very cisgender sentiment imo :)
Oh yeah also, cis men don't grass-is-greener about being a woman, soz.
Hmm, this sounds a lot like what I used to think. I used to argue to myself that I only wanted to be a woman because I'm such a failure at being a guy.
One thing that was helpful in figuring things out for me was reframing the question "am I trans?" to "am I cis or trans?", where being cis isn't just a neutral, default position, but its own separate gender identity, which made it a lot clearer which one I identified more with.
Hey, I went through almost exactly what you're going through. Especially that last sentiment. I also agree with ashinadash that it's really not a typical cisgender experience of depression to identify the way out as gender transition (I felt that, too).
The good news is that there ARE steps you can take. You can start presenting differently, change your pronouns, experiment, see how it feels.
I was pretty sure I was gonna transition to a woman, but after I did a soft tryout, it wasn't for me. I landed on bigender instead. And I have to tell you, a LOT of pressure was released during the experimentation phase. The longer you out it off, the more it's gonna stress you out.
I'm not transfem so I do not want to assume any authority on the transfem experience, since I am not affected by transmisogyny. But I will say that when I was first starting to explore my gender identity, I personally had a lot of doubts along the lines of "well what if I'm just doing this because I want to be special? what if I'm just doing this because I'm envious? what if I'm not really trans, I just think trans people are way cooler than me so I just want to LARP as one?"
I think many trans people have wondered at some point whether they're trans for the "wrong" reasons or not. Ultimately, if you are questioning whether transitioning will make you feel happier, it won't hurt to try things out. Makeup, clothes, names, pronouns β maybe have some fun with them and see how it goes :)
It might be (depression is really terrible, Iβm there and I sympathize
) but also itβs also not an uncommon trans experience to feel disappointment after trying to shift presentation and not feeling satisfied with it. Iβve definitely experienced it; I think I have a post in this thread talking about it actually (how I was initially feeling quite dysphoric after giving myself a haircut I thought was more masculine.)
The act of transitioning can actually heighten feelings of dysphoria by bringing what was a background discomfort into focus and exacerbating a feeling of disconnect between the experience and the ideal. This is definitely the case for me. Honestly I personally do not feel much gender euphoria like ever and I donβt think I really will until I begin HRT. This stuff is tough but I believe in you
Well then comrade, maybe its time to test whether your thoughts are correct or not.
Any recommendations for how to test? I've already grown out my hair and recently got a more 'androgynous' hair cut, but I am wayyyyy too scared and unsure to do anything more in public. When I play with my presentation in private there is an occasional spark, but it is mostly disappointing.
Honestly hormones feel like a potential next step, but I'm wary of breast growth and any other irreversible changes that might happen.
shrugs Not sure.
Let everybody get used to a change in hair. Then maybe a change in clothes, different colors or styles. Everybody you'd be worried about the most (as far as people you know) gets used to it... maybe a subtle change in hair color... light makeup use. "Rinse, lather, repeat as necessary..."
As far hormones... there's probably some research and anecdotal stories that can give you some general ideas about dosages of estrogen and how strong/quick of an effect it might have on your mind and body. Probably a whole host of comrades around here who'd be more than happy to get in the weeds about their experiences with dosages and the psychological/physical effects if you ask for advice.