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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-07-04 04:52:38+00:00.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Intelligent-Tap-1832. They posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. The latest update is 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: light post, but freaking weird behavior

Original Post: May 23, 2024

I have three kids (8M, 5M and 1F). My younger son is friends with a classmate I'll call "Mikey". His brother "James" is in the same class as my older son, but they're not friends.

Back in March, the boys' mother informed the class' mom groupchat that James had the flu, and his birthday party would have to be canceled. My older son had not been invited to that party. My wife and I didn't even know about it until she saw the text. But since my son wasn't friends with James, we didn't mind it.

My younger son just got his invitation to Mikey's birthday party, which will take place in the first week of June. On it, there is a reminder to bring an additional gift for James.

Both me and my wife were confused. When we asked their parents about it, they said that since James didn't get to have his friends over for his own birthday, they wanted his friends to have the opportunity to give him gifts during Mikey's party.

Again, my older son is not friends with James and had not been invited to his canceled party, so we were never planning on giving him a gift in the first place. We didn't even know it was his birthday. Even if we were buying him a gift, we'd give it to him on some other occasion, not during his younger brother's party. It doesn't feel fair to Mikey.

Once my wife and I had agreed on that, we informed the boys' parents we wouldn't get a gift for James. We told them all our reasons, but they argued that we were being petty and vindictive, and that it was unfair to deprive James of a birthday gift just because our son doesn't like him (from what I gather, that's not the case).

Their mother is threatening to uninvite my younger son from Mikey's party over this. Their father is less harsh, but still thinks we should reconsider our decision.

WIBTA?

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: So for starters....you are most definitely NTA here and the parents are incredibly strange and entitled for this. However, it makes me feel badly for both of their children. It is not you and your wife's job to provide gifts for the older child but I would look at it like this...how important is Mikey to your child? Could you spare even a small gift for the older child, even if it is from the Dollar Store so your son could spend time with a friend who is important to him. It makes me feel like the children are not treated right by their parents and it makes me feel sad to see this kind of behavior from them.

But no...you are not "wrong".

OOP: While I wouldn't say money is a problem here, we're not made of it. My daughter turned one weeks ago and we'll have family coming over from our home country in July, so we're trying not to spend too much.

Even if I looked for an inexpensive birthday gift, I have no idea what James likes, and neither does my son. I also would not give it to him during Mikey's birthday party. I know it was their parents' decision, but if I wouldn't do it to my own kids, I won't do it to theirs.

Commenter: OP, are they also inviting your older son to the party? Is he getting food and cake as well? Then maybe a gift is fair to offset the costs of him as a guest.

OOP: My older son is not invited to the party, only my younger son.

Commenter: NTA. Super weird. You literally couldn't pay me a million dollars to be in a classroom mom group chat

OOP: My wife is there because they give out information about the school sometimes, but she hates it.

OOP is voted NTA

Update Post: June 27, 2024 (a little over a month later)

The main piece of advice I got when I first posted here (or at least the one that stuck with me the most) was to buy a smaller, inexpensive gift for James. I was more than fine with doing that, but I had no idea what he liked. I also didn't want to give him that gift during his brother's birthday party, as that didn't feel fair to Mikey.

My wife and I talked, and we settled on getting James a gift card to a bookstore. We also had our older son give it to him at school, days before the party. He said James was grateful.

Later that day, the boys' mom texted the mom groupchat saying she didn't want people "cheaping out" on James just because it wasn't his birthday. My wife agrees that it felt targeted, but we can't prove anything. Either way, we've given him a gift. We don't need to indulge in this any more than we already have. We'll just complain to each other.

Our younger son wasn't uninvited from the birthday party. I was working, so my wife took him. According to her, the party was clearly Mikey's. The only thing indicating otherwise was the fact that James opened his gifts during it.

My wife said she avoided their parents, but did get a few dirty looks from them, specially when Mikey opened the gift my son had picked out. It was a Spider Man toy car that he thought Mikey would like. We'd bought it before this whole fiasco. Since we actually know Mikey, it was more personal than the gift card.

I still don't understand a single decision the boys' parents made, but I'm glad my son's friendship is intact. I just hope my wife and I don't need to interact with that family too much in the future.

Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: I can’t believe you actually gave a gift AND went to the party. This is ridiculous and disgusting that they would even write on the invite to bring the sibling a gift. I would have not went and kept my family away from that shit storm.

OOP: We didn't want to upset our son. He wanted to go to the party, so we let him. Whatever problems we had with James and Mikey's parents are none of his concern.

Commenter: I know people recommended that at the behest of the children, but it feels like you've just taught their parents that the behavior was OK.

Why wouldn't the kids who were going to go to the other boy's party not go to this new one? Why didn't they just throw a combined birthday for both of them where each friend brought a gift for the person they were going to originally?

Also the entire message of "don't cheapen out" would've had me cancel going altogether. Now neither of their children get a gift, and they get to miss out on my kid at their party. I'll take my kid out somewhere fun with the money we would've wasted on their brats.

OOP: As much as I don't regret getting James a gift, I'm very upset at his parents. The kids didn't deserve any of this.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-07-04 04:52:24+00:00.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/j_boryviter. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. The latest update is 7 days old per the rules of this sub.

Original Post: June 25, 2024

I (f34) had been with my husband for over 12 years. We had our child when i was 31, and my husband 33. Sadly, recently (1.5 y. ago, when my baby was around 2 y.) my husband, the love of my life, died in a tragic accident (careless driver hit his car on a foggy slippery road, he died instantly in a crash). His death left me in shambles, only thing that kept me at least sane was our daughter. I couldn't believe that i lost him. He was my rock, my light and I loved him dearly. In a way I still cannot believe that he's gone.

That's where my ex comes in. In about year after my husband's accident, he reached out to me to talk, to vent maybe. We separated long time ago, couple of years before I've met my husband. We didn't exactly stay friends but were on good terms, and spoke occaisonally - hi, how are you kind of talk. So he reached out and offered to help as a friend. It was unexpected but I accepted because I really needed a friend and frankly I don't have a lot of close friends besides him.

He occaisonally came over to our place, brought some gifts to my daughter and we talked over tea or a beer. It wasn't intimate - he had several casual relationships over the years, and I clearly told him that I'm not ready for any relationships after my husband (still not ready, i guess).

So he came over once or twice a month, he was very sweet with my daughter, so I didn't see anything wrong with them bonding. But then my baby started calling my ex papa. It annoyed me very much, but i didn't say anything, because she's a toddler - how is she supposed to now any better? I tried gently explaining to her that my ex isn't papa, but i doubt she understood. So I just started sending her to my or my husband's mom when my ex came over. In truth I know our baby won't remember her father - photos is all she'll have of him. And i don't want another man to take his place in her eyes.

So everything was normal again. I noticed that my ex was visibly upset when I told him that my daughter isn't home. But i didn't think much of it. And last time is where I snapped. That's where i might be the AH, because I ended up screaming at my ex and probably should have handled it better. So when he was at our house and we played some video games and had couple of beers, my mother brought my daughter home early - she was very grumpy and wanted to go home. He stood up and told my daughter - here's MY baby, I missed you! And reached to hug her.

That's where I snapped at him. I told him angrily that he is in fact not her father, and that she is my and my husband's baby and will never be his baby no matter how much he wants it. And if he wants to have a child he still have plenty of chances with his girlfriend. He told me I was a real ah for saying such cruel things and left. My mother told me that I was kind of an asshole too and I acted like a child. So am I?

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: NAH. I think you took some unresolved trauma out on him, and also that him calling your kid his baby was pretty clueless since he presumably will not be her father. He's more of an uncle, if we want to use family terms at all. I think you should apologize even though he was also wrong, assuming you want to be friends and have him in your kid's life. Hopefully he will understand that it is a sore subject for you right now and parts of it will obviously be a sore subject forever.

OOP: Thank you! I think you're right. I still take everything concerning my husband to heart and my ex's words hit very close to home. I don't think i was wrong in what i said to him, but i was wrong in the way i said it. After thinking about it for some time, I think I do want him in my and my daughter's life. He is a very good friend and very supportive (especially in my time of need), so I shouldnt have lashed out at him. I think I'll try calling him to apologize and communicate my issues clearly. Maybe he didn't even mean anything by his words and just loves my baby and expressed it a bit clumsily. But I admit his words really triggered me in the moment.

Commenter: Nah. You are still heavily grieving the loss of your husband. You should in my opinion apologize to him and explain your thoughts. He can accept the apology or not. If you are not currently in therapy you should really consider it. I have a friend whose son’s dad passed away when he was 3. Same thing. Only pictures and basically no memories.

OOP: Thank you for you advice! I believe you're right - I should apologize and explain my feelings to him clearly. I didn't express my concerns earlier and than exploded unnecessarily. I should set some clear boundaries with him - explain that i'm still hurting and don't want him to call my daughter "his" baby in any way. If he's ok with it, that'll be great. If not, than I won't have a choice than to stop speaking to him for my own sake.

I am currently in therapy - it is helpful, but it's a long process.

And sincerely sorry for your friend and her son.

Commenter: Since you have a baby, you will need enact clear boundaries w/ him. It's possible that given you two's romantic history, he doesn't realize he's crossing lines. But once you let these boundaries be known, it's up to him to follow them and you to enforce them. Don't let him bully you! You're the mom and dad to your baby.

OOP: You are right! My first priority is my baby's well-being. And although some of my relatives say child needs a father figure - I think that's a load of bs. If I meet a nice man (at least as great as my husband) - than maybe. But it should be on my terms and not forced onto both on me and my baby.

Commenter: If he only came back into your life because of the baby, I think there is something going on here. There are tons of bad people out there who insinuate themselves into single mom's lives to get access to the kids. 

PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER! You don't need your ex. You dumped him for a reason already.

OOP: I'm not really sure if he has some ulterior motive about my baby. Maybe he's too projecting some unresolved issues maybe not. He's generally a good person and a good friend. But you're right he was a terrible boyfriend (we were very young and our relationship was clearly toxic - but we've later talked and decided that we're much better friends than lovers). But it is clear to me now after posting and thinking about the matter that, firstly, should apologize for yelling, secondly - set some clear boundaries about him and my baby. If he won't accept that, that's his right, but we won't speak anymore than.

Commenter: NTA and this seems to be some ploy on his part to get back with you and has extended to creating a relationship with your daughter.

OOP: I don't think he wants to get back with me, though i'm not completely sure. We did brake up for a reason - we were young and stupid, and our relationship was completely toxic. He is a good friend though. Some time after the breakup which was surprisingly calm we talked and decided to stay in touch. We weren't close friends, but we were friendly. He was very supportive after my husband's death and helped me a lot.

I won't deny there's a bit of nostalgia about the times we were together, but its more of a running joke now. We can say, do you remember when we were together so and so happened and we laugh. I in fact do not want him as a partner - he is terrible boyfriend and judging by his demeanor with his numerous girlfriends - that didn't change. He initially didn't express any interest in having children but maybe he's projecting some of his own issues onto my daughter.

Commenter: This whole situation is bizarre to me. I don’t understand why you’d allow your ex this much access to your kid. I understand needing the support but the situation is suspicious af to me. In general NTA…

OOP: Thank you for your input! You are right, i believe i was wrong for introducing them at all. I was a wreck and needed support, yes, but my priority should be my child. First year after my husband died, a lot of people came over to offer condolences and some help, my and my husband's family. My daughter was always by my side, she once called my husband's brother papa - but they look so much alike, that it is understandable. And i kinda missed the fact that my ex's visits and gifts can be a problem. I was too late to understand that i need to set clear boundaries and it is inappropriate for them to bond if i do not want any relationship besides friendship with my ex.

On the term Papa:

Thank you for your input! I didn't mention it in my post but we are european and term Papa is actually more common here. Maybe it wasn't even his intention and he did it subconsciously. I was in the wrong to scream and yell, but we definitely need to set some clear boundaries if this friendship is gonna...

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-07-04 04:02:03+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/tafornoweg

AITA because I (38F) don't want to take my stepson (9) on vacation?

Originally postedtor/AmItheAsshole

Original BoRU by u/SJDude13

Thanks to u/czechtheboxes for finding the update

TRIGGER WARNING: emotional neglect, abandonment

MOOD SPOILER: Evil stepmother vibes, but a positive update

Original Post July 21, 2023

AITA because I (38F) don't want to take my stepson (9) on vacation?

My husband (39) and I have been married for 5 years. We have two children of our own, both girls, aged 5 and 2. I also have a son (10) from a previous marriage, but I was widowed.

My husband's ex is barely involved in stepson's life at all. They got divorced when stepson was 2, and his ex wanted "a fresh start" so my husband did the decent selfless thing and had complete custody of their son, even though he'd wanted shared custody.

I got a bonus at work and I really want to go on vacation with just MY family JUST once. We've been on family vacations all together lots of times. But just once I want to spend MY money going on vacation where I'm not looking after someone else's kid. I want stepson to stay with his mom while we go on vacation. My husband sees my point of view and is okay with it. I don't think I'm being at all unreasonable.

My mom found out what I was planning and says I'm being a complete AH. These are the reasons she says I could be the AH:

1. My mom says that if stepson's mom isn't properly involved in his life, I should be even more involved in his life to compensate (I think this is a completely unfair expectation).

2. She also says that I'm being a hypocrite taking my son, but I think that's totally different because my son DOESN'T HAVE ANOTHER PARENT. I'm all he's got.

If stepson's mom won't take him just for once then obviously he'll come on vacation with us. But I don't think I'm the AH to ask if I can have a vacation with my own family just one time. It's not like I hate stepson or something, he's a nice kid, he's just not mine. Am I the AH?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

AsinineAdeline

INFO: If my math is right, you and your husband got married when stepson was 4?

What kind of relationship does stepson have with you versus with his bio mom?

OOP

Yes, he was 4, and as I said, he barely sees his bio mom. I'm not sure what point you're making?

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

Update - Jul. 22, 2023 (Assumed. She tried to post a separate update which was removed, so she added it to the original post instead.)

UPDATE: AITA because I (38F) don't want to take my stepson (9) on vacation?

We definitely won't be going on vacation without stepson.

After a couple hours of replies, I decided to show this to my husband. We sat down and had a really long talk about it. He told me he's never been comfortable with my attitude to stepson, but didn't know how to say to me before.

I don't want to be a bad person, I just never thought of stepchildren being "yours". I don't think it would be easy for anyone to accept this level of criticism, but all your replies have shown me I have a LOT of work to do. As many of you suggested (and so did my husband) I intend to see a therapist to help me with that. As I said, I don't hate stepson in any way, I have never been deliberately cruel to him, I've just always thought of him as my husband's child. But I realize my mindset needs to change.

So I'm going to start working on that. I want my family to be the best it can be, and I need to accept that it includes my stepson. I understand that now, and I'm going to start seeing a therapist to become a better person (we've also talked about maybe having family therapy too). I've also made up with my mom, and she is 100% behind the changes I want to make in my life.

It wasn't easy to hear everything you said, but I understand that I needed to hear it.

NEW UPDATE *

Update to my AITA post June 20, 2024

In July 2023, I wrote a post on the AITA subreddit about taking a family vacation without my (step)son (https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155rmmj/aita\_because\_i\_38f\_dont\_want\_to\_take\_my\_stepson\_9/). I wasn't given permission to post an update to my original post on the subreddit, because the replies I got were too heated, and the mods advised me to post an update to my profile instead.

When I made my original post, I was told by literally thousands of people that I was TA, and it helped me see how wrong I was and had been for the last 5 years.

I booked a therapy appointment the following week and started working through my issues. My own father died when I was less than a year old. I don't even remember him. My mother married another man when I was 7, but he left when I was 11 and I never saw him again.

It hurt me in a way I'd never processed before. I loved him, he'd been my dad, and suddenly he was just gone. That taught me that step-relatives weren't part of your family. They weren't forever.

I always thought I was doing better than my ex-stepdad. Because I provided for my (step)son and I stayed in his life, I was better than my ex-stepdad. But I made my (step)son feel the way my ex-stepdad made me feel when he left me and I regret it so much.

A little while after I started therapy, we started family therapy too. The therapist helped me explain to my (step)son the way I felt about step-relatives and why I'd always behaved the way I did. He cried and said he was afraid that I just didn't like him, and we had the first proper talk we'd ever had. I told him that wasn't true, and I had just been a bad step-parent like my ex-stepdad had been to me.

My relationship with my (step)son is so much better now. We spend time together just the two of us, and except for this post, I never call him, or think of him as my stepson. He's my son. I accept now that he'll always be my son, that unlike my ex-stepdad, he's forever. Even if something happens between me and his dad, he'll still be my son.

Most of all, he always called me by my first name, but last Thanksgiving, he asked to start calling me mom. It made me so happy. I told him that I loved him and he said he loved me too. Since then, he always just calls me mom.

A lot of people also talked about the ways my husband needed to improve, to be more assertive and protective of his children. He knows that. It's very easy to see the problems when they're presented to you all at once in a Reddit post, but when things happen day to day, it's a lot harder to realise how issues are building up. But he's working hard, like we both are, to try to make our family the happiest it can be.

We both know we still have to keep working at this. I'm still in therapy and we're still having family therapy. But I'm grateful to work at it. I'm grateful to have all my children.

It's very hard for me to write this, to think about the way things were before I started therapy. It makes me cry everytime I think about it. But I want to thank you, Reddit. I wrote my original post just looking for validation for my own point of view, and I never thought the internet could change my life this way. But it has. I feel like for the first time, we're truly a family.

Thank you all.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-07-04 04:02:01+00:00.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Prize_Blueberry_6407, account now deleted

Originally posted to u/TrueOffMyChest

My (19 m) brother-in-law (26 m) is convinced that I’m in love with him.

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: sexual assault, manipulation, threats, possible rape

Editor’s Note: In the original post, OOP made a mistake of using 2 different names for one person in the posts, I am using the 2nd name mentioned since it is used more frequently than the 1st name only used once.

Original Post: May 10, 2023

Pretty much what the title says. I've never posted on here before, but I do like to read the stories sometimes. Lets call my sister Diana and her boyfriend Mike. I’m the youngest of my three siblings, Diana, and my brother, who we’ll call Carlos. I came out as gay when I was 14, and my immediate family: my parents and siblings, were all supportive. My extended family, uncles, aunts, cousins, and grandparents are less accepting, so I don’t tend to be as out and open around them. I graduated high school and started college two years ago when I was 17. I go to the same college that my sister is doing grad school at, and to save costs, I’ve been staying with her and her then fiancé at their apartment.

Mike had always been really nice, and I was happy that my sister was with a nice guy. My siblings and I have always been super close, and that closeness didn’t go away when I started living with Diana, so I would often end up hanging out with them and their friends sometimes. The semester just ended for the two of us, and we all went home this weekend to stay with my parents. We had a big family dinner, during which Mike kept making little jokes about me liking older guys (my bf is 23) and how he would try to keep me away from him and his buddies. Me and my siblings questioned him about these jokes he was making, until he finally stopped making them. That was last night.

This morning, my siblings and my parents went on a hike, which is a family activity that we usually enjoy thanks to us living close to the woods. I slept in and no one wanted to bother me, so they went without me. I figured that everyone had gone, but when I was eating my cereal in the living room and watching TV, Mike came out of the kitchen and sat next to me. I was surprised to see him, as I figured that he would’ve gone on the hike, but I guess not. He started by apologizing for making fun of me, and then said that it was just a nervous tick of his when he didn’t want to talk about something serious. He said that it was wrong of him to joke about my crush on him. I was super confused and asked for clarification, and he said that he knew about the crush I have on him (which I don’t).

I asked him why he would think that, and he cited a few things that he took as me liking him: 1) That I would always hang out with him and Diana. 2) That I chose to live with them instead of dorms. 3) That he barely knew my boyfriend. And 4) That I didn’t bring my boyfriend to their wedding. I tried to tell him that he was insane and that none of that meant I liked him, and they all had real explanations, but he just insisted that I was just trying to cover up the fact that I was in love with him. That was a few hours ago. I haven't told anyone in my family this yet, and I didn’t have lunch with my family since I've had plans to be out with high school friends all day. One friend suggested that I post this here, so I guess that's why I'm doing this. I’ll be sure to update if anything serious happens. Thanks for reading, lol.

Small Update (Not sure if I should've made this its own post, but if I should've, let me know!):

Hello everyone! I had no idea that this would take off the way it did. I have a bit of a small update. I spent the night at my friend’s house last night (this was planned before any of this). This morning I woke up and saw all of your comments and speculations. I took some time to reflect on the two main possibilities that ya’ll seem to have come up with.

Either A) he's one of those straight guys that thinks that all gay guys are attracted to him (definitely met a few of those), or B) He likes me and is projecting it, or trying to make it sound like my idea. After thinking about it a lot, I think that it is more likely to be the second option. I am a person who really loves physical displays of affection, like hugs and cuddles and stuff. My siblings and I are super close like I said, so I was used to showing my affection this way.

Looking back, I realize that Mike was more than willing to show affection this way, as my sister is the same. Mike and Diana had been dating since high school, but I only really got to know him in the last two years at college. He was always open to physical affection with me, right off the bat. There have been many comments that he has made that I took as harmless at the time, but now with the context, I realize may have been clues. He would almost always ask me how he looked, like, before he went out for the day, and would, in turn, compliment me back. I took things that he said as jokes, like when he told me that my ass looked good in an outfit, or he would tell me that I looked just like my sister (who is gorgeous). I always took this as him being nice, but now I’m not sure if that was his only intention.

Anyway, to the actual update. This morning, I called for a sibling meeting at a diner that we like to go to. Sibling meetings are something that we’ve been doing since we were kids, where we’d talk about things like convincing our parents to get us a pet or splitting the household chores.

We met at the diner for brunch, and my brother immediately went on and said how weird it was that Mike was making jokes about me. Diana said that he was still making jokes to her privately after dinner and that it wasn't the first time he had made those types of jokes. She said that she figured that he was one of those guys who thought that gay guys liked him, but then I told them about his “apology” yesterday morning, and all the comments and other jokes he’s made, and we all think it was pretty weird. I showed them my post and they briefly read through the comments as well. My sister said that she would talk to him about it, and told me that no matter what happened, she would never hold anything against me, or blame me for anything, so that was reassuring. We had food and I went back to my friend’s house and my sister said she would let me know if anything happens.

I also texted my boyfriend about all this. He's British, so we have a bit of a time difference. he hasn't responded, but I want to be sure to keep him in the loop as well. I’m currently with my friends, watching them play a video game and pretending to know what’s going on lol. I’ll keep y’all updated.

Comments

Orphan_Izzy: By Mike’s theory with every example he gave you you also have a crush on your sister so I might point that out to him unless you think he’d actually believe it.

o_Olive_You_o: Did he stay behind in hopes of talking to you alone? Maybe the real issue is he has developed a crush on you... If he continues making jokes or what not then I might consider saying something to your sister, but if it ends here.. I would try to bring your BF around a little more. I don't even understand why he felt the need to bring it up to you.. kinda weird.

Update: June 27, 2024 (1 year and 1 month later)

Hello everyone!

I would first like to say thank you all for your support in the comments of my last post and in your guys' private messages to me. After the last mini update, I had logged off of reddit and a lot of things have happened so I honestly kind of forgot that I even had this account still.

Coincidentally, I was on TikTok a while ago when I found one of those ai voice accounts that read reddit stories over someone playing Minecraft parkour. Those types of videos are like weeds, once you see one of them, your entire timeline gets flooded with them. Earlier today, a video with part of my reddit post came across my fyp, and the comments were full of people asking if there was any updates.

It has been over a year, and I am so sorry for keeping you all in the dark. I saw that my last post was archived and nobody could comment on it, so I figured I should make a new post, for those of you who might be seeing me for the first time ever, I believe you can find my first post on my page. I would recommend reading that before you read this one. I would also like to issue a trigger warning for sexual assault. Now, onto the whole mess that was the past year for me.

So, the last time I updated y'all was in May of last year. Me and my siblings were all on summer break from college, and were home for the summer. So, the day after I talked to my siblings at the diner, I returned home from my friend's house and everything seemed normal. My sister informed me that she had talked to her boyfriend, that he had seemed more receptive to her concerns, and he was a lot more calm towards me. He stayed with us until the end of that week, where no further incident occurred between us, before he left to go visit his own family (he's on the complete other side of the coun...

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/WorrieddWife

Worried about my husband's relationship with his female coworker

Originally posted to r/Marriage

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, manipulation, gaslighting

Original Post  June 18, 2024

My(35F) husband(37M) and I have been married for 3 years, but together for 20(with a few break ups in the middle), we're highschool sweethearts.  We had a few rough patches but everything seemed okay this last few years.

On the beginning of the year he started a new job where he met this female coworker and they started to get along. At first he mentioned her, like her parents were from our home country and she liked to play rol games (we're both nerdy). That's okay, even if I'm always a lil conscious about my husband female friends I was never worried about it and considered myself not the jealous type. But everything changed a month ago, my husband told me he was going to start going to work with her the weeks she didn't have her kid (she's divorced but currently on a relationship), I didn't mind since she lives close by and the company is far away, it made sense. But after that I started to notice that they would text CONSTANTLY, day, night, weekends, every damn day. He had her saved as "Lady her name", I'm saved by my name and surname on his cellphone. He installed tiktok just to send her stuff, and didn't even bothered adding me, he just have her and a few funny accounts.

It came to a breaking point where I ended up crying, telling him he was breaking boundaries and that his relationship with her wasn't normal. He told me that he found a friend who shares his same interests and it's been a long time since he's been able to talk to someone like that other than me or his bff and that he was not physically attracted to her (that I know, she's not his type). I told him that I needed for him to speak more about things and about her if he wanted my trust, because it couldn't be that I always communicate everything that happens to me and about the people I meet but he never talks about himself, his work or his relationships. I mentioned that having me saved by my full name and her by nickname felt insulting and he made a joke out of it since he didn't believe it was something that mattered, but changed my name to literally "Owner of our cat".

I'm trying to deal with this the best as I can, but her birthday is this week and he bought her a cute bear light, that you can hug. Before he was between that, a book and a bear PLUSHIE. This I know because he used my amazon account. Two days ago we had a huge fight because of it, I told him that there are certain boundaries, that a book would have been fine for a friend but a plushie is in NO WAY something you can gift. He played the victim saying that I'm making a scene for him to want to gift his friend something nice. He then began talking of how important this friendship is for him, that he feels alone with me sometimes and he found someone who makes him feel a little better. I don't know if he heard himself or if I'm being overly paranoid but isn't that a really fucked up thing to say to your loved one?

We left things like that and I'm really trying to make it work, but I'm sad, tired, and I don't now if I'm paranoid or I'm being gaslighted to believe that I am.

My take is that even if he doesn't plan to cheat on me with her he's getting an ego boost out of this. I haven't read his messages but the other day I took a picture with his cellphone and saw in his gallery that she sends him selfies(playing cute, but no nudes or provocative ones). I tried to propose a couples outing (since she's also in a relationship) but my husband always says he'll ask her but never does, or finds an excuse. Another thing I noticed (and now I really don't know if it's just in my head) is that when she arrives to leave her car and leave with him my husband keeps our interactions to a minimum (we're normally really touchy with each other, like hugs and stuff) and just kisses me goodbye really quick. I don't know, honestly I've read so much worse stories here that I feel like I'm over reacting, what do you think?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP

The thing is this happened ten years ago and I was the one in the wrong. I talked with a male friend all day because he was a really nice guy and felt comfortable with him. My husband (then boyfriend) read my messages while I was sleep and woke me extremely hurt, saying he couldn't believe how could I talk to another guy like that, they weren't sexual or flirty at all since cheating on him wasn't on my mind at all and I was never unfaithful (and never been in these 20 years) but it's a reality that we where talking way too much. I realized then that there are limits to a friendship, and there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. Even if I liked my friend very much I cut that friendship there and then cause if I have to choose my husband will always come first, and ever since that day I have a list of boundaries that I always follow with male friends:

-Don't talk about really personal stuff

-Never complain about your partner

-If your partner read your messages, will they be upset?

And this is what also bothers me, because he knows how it feels to be on the other side and still he chooses to keep the friendship exactly as it is.

~

OverratedNew0423

"he feels alone with me sometimes"

This is the real problem.  Why is your relationship so bad and lonely?  This is a pure sign that its not fulfilling and may not last.  The girl is just a distraction.. but she never would have been let in to that extent if your relationship was good.     Are YOU happy with it?  Do YOU feel loved, fulfilled, excited and happy?

I mean 20 years and didn't commit until recently...many ups and downs along the way...it may be time to admit this isn't a forever relationship.  He's telling you he's unhappy... I wonder if you have been too.

OOP

It's complicated. We moved countries twice in three years for his job. The first country we moved to I really struggled with the language and bureaucracy was hell, so  I only got my work permit after a year and a half of living there, this means I wasn't able to work, so I was working freelance but earning almost nothing. When I finally got some sort of job and had made a small group of friends we moved again, and again all the bureaucracy for being able to legally work here. I work from home but the salary barely covers food expenses since I work for my home country and I just got the work permit here and I'm looking for a more stable well paid job. Since I don't earn enough money he feels like he's the one maintaining me and everything depends on him. He doesn't take in account that apart from working he doesn't do anything at all at home, I'm the one on charge of cleaning, cooking, maintenance, buying groceries, paying for services, taking our dogs on walks, etc. and I'm always there for his every need. I left my career and friends behind and thought I do not regret it it's been hard for me to get back on my feet, I was always self sufficient with my own money so it hits hard to not have money of my own (since I feel like all the money I earn has to be spent in the house). I was also recently diagnosed with ADHD and began taking meds, that has helped me a lot, but my husband doesn't believe in it and still brings up things that were caused by my untreated ADHD when talking about my lack of help in different situations. Apart from that I'm happy and I love him very much, but sometimes it's really hard.

Update  June 22, 2024

Hello again everyone! I was thinking if updating or not since it's only been a few days. I want to thank all the people that helped me and made me feel I wasn't paranoid.

After talking this last few days my husband was behaving way better, he began talking about his work and his friends and stopped texting his coworker all day. This week was the week he takes her to work and I was feeling she was being nice with me only when my husband was around, if he wasn't she ignored me or didn't even looked at me. Today was her birthday but my husband didn't took her because he had to leave early (he had to travel to visit a friend).

While we were having breakfast I told him I felt like his coworker didn't like me at all, and explained how she acted different when he wasn't around. He said that he would not take her to work anymore then. TBH I felt a little bad for her but I was happy, we had a nice week and this was a great closure. That was until midday, he came back stressed because he was running late for the train and in his stressed state confessed that she was acting like that because he told her about our fight about her and how I reacted about the present he bought her. I was speechless. I felt so betrayed... He excused himself saying that he was tired after fighting the night before and he needed someone to talk to. I told him that he made a huge mistake, that he went to the source of our problems to tell her about something extremely personal, and with his actions has closed all the possibilities of a...

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I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/invinciblecomics

Originally posted to r/EntitledPeople + r/DobermanPinscher

Friend is upset at me for getting a dog without her approval.

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: manipulation, narcissism

Original Post: May 14, 2024

I think this story fits in here? If not, my apologies! This happened very recently and I am honestly unsure of how to handle it. I can't even believe this is an issue to begin with, so this may be a bit of a rant.

So I (28M) have a friend, who is in her fifties. We are close friends. The kind where you don't talk often, but when you do, it's always really good. We mainly talk about our pets and she's been there for me a lot. I value her and our friendship. I really, really do.

There's only one issue. You see, one does not disagree with her. She has very strong opinions and will shove them down everyone's throat. She's notorious in all pet stores and for all the wrong reasons. I am not too bothered by it. I just know when to shut my mouth and agree. Arguing is not worth it and I find our friendship more important than being right about something.

(Edit: it was brought to my attention that this kinda comes off as me condoning this behavior. What I meant is that I wasn't too bothered with how she treated me, not how she treated others. With how our friendship was, I didn't really get to see her treat others this way. I was told stories, but she always made it sound like they provoked it and I believed it. That's why it didn't bother me. Only when writing this post I started to connect the dots. And as I mentioned in my other edit, I sometimes struggle with knowing what is normal or not. I now know this is not normal.)

It has never been a problem. Until now.

When I brought up wanting a Doberman, she was rather judgmental, saying that I am too insecure to raise a dog and that a dog wouldn't solve my mental problems. I found her assumptions hurtful and untrue, even if she probably meant well. Obviously a dog won't make my mental illness go away, but I think taking care of a dog and having a companion has been helpful for a lot of people, especially with mental illness. It just so happens that a Doberman is exactly what I want, as they fit my lifestyle. I am also not as spineless or insecure as she made me out to be. It's just that I don't argue with her because I know she would end our whole friendship over me not agreeing on something. I don't waste my energy on an argument that won't lead anywhere. So I just didn't mention it again and I wasn't super upset. I just decided not to talk to her about it.

A few weeks later, I sent a video of a puppy I have my eyes on. I hoped that maybe she'd be happy for me now. Somehow I thought she would be. Instead, she sent me a voice message demanding I tell her which exact reasons I have to get a Doberman. It made me feel like I had to justify my decision to her, like I need her permission. Me having this dog won't affect her, so I find this weird and honestly kind of entitled. Also, I knew she'd just disagree with all my reasons. So I politely said that I know she doesn't think that I am the right person for this, but that I disagree and I have done a lot of research, which I definitely have. I have considered this for literal years, although I didn't talk to her about that until I previously mentioned the dog. I just didn't see a reason to and I still don't. Like I said, it doesn't affect her and it's not like we talk a lot nor do we talk about everything. I told her she has nothing to worry about and that the decision wasn't impulsive.

She was immediately upset. She said I was very defensive, even though I acted calm and polite. However, I simply didn't agree and I didn't want to justify my decision. This is probably the first time I said no to her. She started going off about how dangerous this dog is, that it's not the right breed for me, that she knows a lot more about this than me and that I should be able to explain why I want one, especially to her.

Now she does know a lot about animals, but judging by what she said about the breed she doesn't know as much as she claims. They were very outdated views and some of the "facts" were just wrong. She said that I only want this dog to have as a "shield" and that I am going to end up with a "weapon" I can't control, etc. I said multiple times that I understand and respect her opinion and that I was sorry for upsetting her, but that I don't agree and didn't like her initial question.

According to her I turned her into someone she's not and I was extremely defensive. Again, I was very calm and never accusatory, while she sent me long voice messages in which she was yelling and crying. It seems everything I said just made her more angry. She ended by saying I've insulted her and that I should know what that feels like. I said I was sorry about that and that I hope we can talk about this when we're both calm.

I am extremely confused about what I did wrong and I am honestly kind of angry, because I feel like she's simply mad at me for not agreeing with her. She knows as well as I do that I will put all of my time and energy into this dog, that I am someone who will make well informed decisions and won't hesitate to ask a professional dog trainer for guidance. And even if we are close, we are not so close that I need to involve her into a decision like this, but it seems she thinks I can't do this without her approval.

Anyway, I haven't heard from her since and I suspect she expects me to apologize. I'm not sure what to do, except wait until she calms down and then starts talking to me again like nothing happened. I might have to rethink this friendship.

Edit: Wow! This got a lot more attention than I thought it would. I don't think I can respond to every comment. I see a lot of people asking me why I am friends with this person, so I thought I would add some context. To keep it short, I grew up in a very emotionally abusive home and didn't have the best experiences after leaving home either. I am still figuring out what is "normal". Also, this friendship didn't start out like this and I guess I was still holding onto the positive aspects I didn't realize are no longer here. Thank you for all the eye opening comments. And for anyone wondering, yes, I will definitely be getting the dog. I would never let her stop me. And yes, I will update this post with a picture of the puppy in a few weeks.

Relevant Comments

neogeshel: That is completely bizarre. Of course having a pet is good for mental health. And what does being insecure have with owning a dog? It sounds like simple breed prejudice I guess, whatever.

OOP: I suppose because they are a dominant breed and you do need to be a good leader. They were bred to be protective, so if you are very insecure, the dog could become reactive. She is not wrong about all that, but I don't think I am too insecure for that. My insecurities have nothing to do with my ability to raise a dog, but with completely different things.

Edit to add: I am insecure around certain people, but not around dogs. Especially not mine.

WomanInQuestion: Why exactly are you friends with this woman? She's not a nice person.

OOP: I suppose because the positives are extremely positive, so I just keep my distance enough where I only have to deal with the positives. Guess that didn't work out, haha.

BurningBazz:

I was very calm and never accusatory, while she sent me long voice messages in which she was yelling and crying.

Sounds like she has a problem with people having other opinions than her.

I had a friend like that.

OOP: Yeah, I got that feeling too. And I am not the only person who knows her that suspects that this is the case.

I am picking up the girl in the middle (grey) in two weeks! I am beyond excited and just had to share it somewhere!: May 29, 2024 (2 weeks later)

Editor’s Note: OOP provided a picture of the puppy he is picking up!

Update: June 27, 2024

Hello! A while ago I made a post called "Friend is upset at me for getting a dog without her approval" and many people asked for an update, specifically to show pictures of the puppy, so I will link those at the bottom of this post.

What happened was that I mentioned to my friend that I want to get a dog, specifically a Doberman. She thought it was a bad idea and dictated what I should and shouldn't do, leaving absolutely no room for me to voice my own opinion. So I went ahead and looked at puppies without informing her, since it's really none of her business and doesn't affect her one bit. When I later showed her pictures of the puppies, she became really upset and basically demanded I justify my choice to her, saying I shouldn't get a Doberman if I can't explain it to her specifically. I respectfully disagreed with what she said and she completely lost it, spewing all kinds of awful things about me, which forced me to end our friendship.

I want to thank you all for the support on my last post. It made me se...

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/kelsieelizabeth

AITA for getting my roommate to hook up with my ex to get my favourite coffee mug back?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Original Post  June 8, 2019

I collect coffee mugs shaped as cool things. Anyways, I dated a guy for a year that brought me back this mug from the states shaped as a shark, handle was a fin (semi-expensive mug, I looked into buying another one). I LOVE sharks more than anything, so this was the perfect gift. This mug was so perfect that I would never use it for coffee because coffee wasn’t worthy of this mug.

When we broke up, despite my love for the shark mug, I put it in the “box of stuff” you give back to your ex, thinking it would bring back too many memories. Now, a year later I’m happily with someone else and these memories are no longer. I basically just want my favourite mug back.

My roommate who is newly single is on tinder happened to match with my ex, I explained the mug story and now we’ve made it a mission for her to go over there, hookup with him, and take the mug in the morning. To be fair, he’s only looking for the hook up as he has stated in his profile, so no emotional sabotage.

Edit: to be fair, she was already planning on hooking up with him anyways, I just told her to comment on the mug if she saw it to be funny, she said she would just get it back.

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

extrabagel

YTA but this is so funny that I don’t care.

SelfANew

Mission Impossible Theme plays in the background

Mystery_Substance

Jaws theme plays after that.

~

upyourbumchum

YTA but who cares! Hilarious and keep on keeping on. This is like a Seinfeld episode.

~

OrangeDoormat

YTA. So you're pimping your friend for a mug? Nice.

~

Lelra

YTA But have her check his cabinets for other cool mugs as well. If you're going to steal one, might as well keep going.

OOP

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. Could you imagine.

Itsalrightmeow

"Man I slept with this girl last night and when she left, half my mugs were gone!"

~

[deleted]

YTA, but do it anyway because you’re a pimp, and if a pimp wants it, a pimp gets it.

Pls Update

OOP Updated the same post

Update: I know you all desperately want this edit. He’s invited her over to check out his new place when he’s done moving (with a wink at the end of course). So progress, unpack kitchen essentials and chill anyone?

EMERGENCY UPDATE: the ex and my roommate are still talking, but now my ex’s roommate has also matched with her on tinder and is asking her to come over (same house). This plot twist is fucking unreal.

[update]—- operation shark rescue it currently a go! Wish ya luck reddit!

AITA for pimping out my friend to get my shark mug back- the sequel  Jan 17, 2020 (6 months later)

hello again Reddit, and thank you for coming with me on operation shark mug. I am please to update you all on this fine Thursday; this is what has happened:

The roommate did in fact sleep with the ex, the roommate did in fact see the mug and she also DID NOT take it back. The sex was inevitable. I thought all was lost in operation shark mug, my dreams crushed to say the least. Game over.

BUT THEN

I recently was in a wedding which the ex attended as a close friend. Him and I made conversation about the roommate, about the mug, and eventually I came clean about the plan (yeah, that’s right, I’m not a total dickhead after all) he told me that it was a hilarious plan, but that he had to be honest with me. The shark mug, you see, was too important to use as well. So..... the fate of the shark mug is.... his fucking toothbrush holder.  He sent me picture evidence later that evening, and I told him I deserved it for the plan I hatched. End of the day, it was a good laugh for all.

The end.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-07-04 04:00:01+00:00.

Original Title: I'm pretty sure my boss stole my identity. There are 2 new credit cards on my credit report with a total balance of about $15,000. My credit score dropped from 805 to 550. I was written up when I confronted him about it.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/whatsmyage-again, account now suspended

Originally posted to r/CreditScore

I'm pretty sure my boss stole my identity. There are 2 new credit cards on my credit report with a total balance of about $15,000. My credit score dropped from 805 to 550. I was written up when I confronted him about it.

Thanks to u/queenlegolas + u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU

Editor’s note: the texts were saved before the posts were removed

Trigger Warnings: financial fraud, identity theft

Original Post: May 15, 2024

I work for a relatively small business, there's only about 50 of us, and I've been working here for about three years. The owner of the business I know has been stressed out over the financials for the last 6 months, we've gone from fairly profitable to slightly unprofitable since December. Since I've worked here, I can think of one 2 month span of time that the business hasn't been profitable, but even then we were only down a couple thousand dollars total on that second month.

Back in January, we had our worst month since I've worked here and it only improved slightly in February. The credit cards on my credit report were opened in February and looked to have been maxed out by March.

Fast forward to last week and my boss, the owner of the company, is out of the office for a day and a coworker grabbed the mail. It had a Discover bill with my name on it. She gave it to me and I was extremely confused, it was definitely my name but the company's address WITH the suite designated solely for the boss. Open it up and I found out "I" owed more than $10,000 and "my" payment was 2 months late.

I called Discover and they emailed me a description of the charges. About a dozen of them all with the heading of my company. It was clear someone ordered a card in my name and literally "paid" my company about $10,000 from it back in early March. Of course I was livid and immediately disputed all of the charges. I checked my credit report and there was another card which seemed to have been open about the same time with more than a $5000 balance. I called that bank and they sent me the transaction list, same thing.

At this point I was pretty sure it was my boss as I know he has access to my social security number from my hiring paperwork and the address to both cards was his suite in the building. As I'm talking with my workgroup about it, someone else said they had their identity stolen in January but they got it taken care of through Transunion. They said the charges went to a supplier of ours. Turns out, there was a third employee in our workgroup of 5 who had their credit stolen at the start of the year when they checked their credit after hearing us talk about it. For whatever reason, they are having that credit card company send them a statement as they couldn't email them the information.

Last Wednesday, I confronted my boss about the credit cards and he denied everything. He said whoever it was probably just used the work address because they may have found it through my LinkedIn. He also said to wait 120 days before disputing anything, which I found to be extremely weird, but that the credit card companies would take care of everything.

I decided not to take his advice and disputed everything on the credit websites that day. Monday comes along and he calls me in asking if there was anything new on my credit since the other two talked to him about their issues as well. I told him I disputed everything and he got pretty pissed. He was enraged that I disputed it so soon and said something that caught my attention: "So it was you who caused the holds!". I later found out the company's credit card merchant account is now on hold for fraud. This morning, I get called in again and was given a written reprimand for "unsatisfactory performance" due to my lower sales numbers for last month (I've never gotten a written reprimand ever at this job) and a separate one for "unsatisfactory performance" for a recurring customer canceling their subscription because they went out of business.

I guess my question is where do I go from here? I feel a constructive dismissal coming on, if the company doesn't go out of business first. I'm also concerned about the credit card accounts as I haven't heard anything back yet when I disputed them.

Comments

miniry: File a police report, most likely you will have to do this anyway to get the accounts off your report. 15k is substantial enough the issuer may refuse to remove it without proof. Honestly you need legal advice at this point though, so that's where you need to go next. There are legal advice subreddits that may be able to direct you better.

Document everything. Witnesses, times, dates, quotes, and email it to yourself. Get your resume together. Whether they fire you or not, the writing is on the wall. Start looking for a new job.

And freeze your credit! Freeze your credit with all three major bureaus. Make an account on your state's unemployment website so no one else can make one in your name when/if you're fired. Freeze chexsystems. There are a few threads on other subreddits that have a good list of what to lock down, and you need to do this now that your identity has been stolen by someone who will only get more desperate from here. Here's a good place to start:

Update: June 26, 2024

Update - I no longer have a job. I received 3 more reprimands and was terminated last Friday. I went to the police a couple days after the OP.

HOWEVER, 4 other employees also had their identity stolen in a similar way. We've all gone to the police and last Monday a detective showed up at the office. He only ended up staying about 10 minutes. On Tuesday, someone else, who we think was an attorney, spent about the entire day in the boss' suite.

On Friday, I was terminated and at least a dozen other people were laid off, including the others I know to have had their identities stolen. I'm going to take about a month to just chill before trying to find something else. I feel like I owe it to myself after the last 6 weeks at work. One of the accounts is now off of my credit and I expect the other one to come off any day now. It sounds like they started coming off my coworkers' accounts as well.

I'm not sure what's going to happen from here but I hope my old boss gets whats coming to him. I'll start working on my resume next week and I'm going to file for unemployment, even though I know he's going to fight it. I'll keep checking out my credit daily as well to know for sure the other card is going to fall off.

Additional Information from OOP

Comment

OOP: Of the probably 14 people out of a job on Friday, I was literally the only one terminated, all the others were "laid off". I can't wait to testify against the prick.

Comments

canadagooses62: Yeah, I’m certainly no expert here but I am in the anti money laundering field. And not that I think this is money laundering necessarily, it raises major red flags in that department and is also a very serious crime in and of itself.

Do not wait on this. Act immediately. This is a fucking crime.

Your vendors might want to know that they have been paid with stolen assets

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I am not OOP. OOP is u/financial_issueTRA and they posted on r/AITAH

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: infuriating

My husband asked if I would be willing to care for his mother I said no, does this make me the asshole? June 14, 2024

My husband of 16 years asked me if I would be willing to care for his mother, I told him no. My husband asked why not I told him the truth. We never got along, she has always been passive aggressive towards me. I have been told that it is a thing many Hispanic mothers do when no one is good enough for their child. We are civil towards one another that is the best we can do.

My husband even dared to bring up the fact that he supported me [Editor's Note: fully financially and emotionally per other comments] when I took care of my dad who had cancer. I told him the situations were different because he offered I did not ask, I also had other family members that were helping. He is an only child and has no one else so everything will mostly fall on my shoulders since he does work long hours we are talking sometimes 12 to 18 hour days. Last week alone he worked 84 hours.

I told him I understand it may seem unfair but the situations are different, I had support on my head when it came to caring for my dad. I will have nearly zero support. Yes, he has offered to pay extra support but that will just eat into our budget. We are currently trying to save for a house, and I am currently not working as I am in school trying to finish up my degree. Took time off from teaching to care for my dad. After he passed, I did not want to go back to teaching. So ATM I am in my third year into my engineering degree. I do not wish to put that on hold either taking care of his mother.

After I explained all of this my husband just left, and has not returned any of my phone calls. I spoke with my mom, but she was not far from helpful. She found it silly I even went to school in the first place. Got me thinking am I the asshole for not wanting to put my own goals and life on hold again for a sick parent?

Relevant Comments:

[Editor's Note: Several Redditors asked what was wrong with MIL/why she needed care/how long it was expected she would need care. As far as I could find, she never responded with specifics.]

OOP on what care MIL would need right now:

At the moment she needs just some safety and supervision. Meal prep, stuff like that, assistance with some of her ADL's and IADL's. It would not be 24/7 she does sleep a full 8 hours sometimes more, and my husband does pay for her to go to adult day service already.

[Editor's Note: ADL are basic care needs like going to the bathroom, etc. while iADLs are more complex like managing meds, balancing a checkbook. This link has good info on the details.]

UnlikelyPen932:

NTA. You are the caregiver in both scenarios. That is a heavy responsibility with lots of physical and emotional stress in the best of situations. Dad relationship was most likely a helluva lot nicer than the passive-aggressive hate from MIL. Suggest to husband that you can finish your degree and get a better paying job that can ease burdens, time, and money so husband can be a caregiver to his mom. He can cook, clean, change bedsheets, chauffeur, etc. Something makes me think he won't be down with that.

OOP on how finances fit into this issue for her:

He wants me to work on my degree and care for his mother. Yes, she is in an adult day program and he is willing to pay for some level of support but that would eat into our budget to save for a house and put that goal on the back burner.

If he could he would love to leave his job to care for his mother, but he has to wait until I find a job and it would take me years to get to the point where I can sustain our family like he can. My husband does make good money. I would not even earn close to what he makes fresh out of school.

jaykwalker replies:

This is not a good look. He helped you ensure that your dad had care and you should help him in return. I'm not saying you're obligated to care for his mother, but you can't expect him to be okay with you not helping at all. You could get a part time job to contribute to your houldhold expenses to free up more of his time or salary to help his mom.

I mean, what do you expect him to do?

In several comments on this thread, OOP expresses that she thinks MIL should get on Medicaid and go to a nursing home. Others try to educate OOP that Medicaid will not cover all she thinks it will and will still cost her husband a lot of money, or MIL will have to go to a very poorly run nursing home.

Soggy-Milk-1005:

You have a misunderstanding of what is used for Medicaid. They might pay for nursing home care but there are eligibility requirements and restrictions. Medicaid is insurance for medical care for low income adults and children of low income adults. Depending on eligiblity it can also be insurance for medication, dental and vision. Medicare is insurance for those who are considered disabled and those who are of retirement age. I could not tell from your description of your mother-in-law, if she needs around the clock care or just needs a CNA to assist her with ADLs. It's fair that you don't want to be the one who provides her care for her, but you need to support your husband just like how he supported you. You have to compromise something so you can switch to part-time school and a job so your husband can cut back on his hours, quit school and work multiple jobs so that he can stay home to care for his mother or you can continue as you are going to school full-time without a job and put the plans for house on hold so that your husband can pay for someone to help his mom. But right now you're sounding pretty selfish because you don't want to give up anything to help your husband and his mother and it doesn't matter that your father was nice and his mother isn't you still need to support your husband. If he decides that he wants a divorce because he can't be with someone who won't be supportive then you're going to have to give up a lot more than a delay on buying a house, you'll have up also put your degree in hold so that you can work to pay the bills that alimony won't cover. So do you love your husband and want to stay with him while making a smaller sacrifice or do you want to lose everything because you refuse to compromise now?

Fluffy_Tumbleweed_70:

I don't think you are the AH for not wanting to care for his mother but you don't seem to be bringing any solutions to the table either.

What should your husband do about his mom? Should he do nothing? Let her go to a government facility that is pretty shitty?

You don't seem willing to allow him to spend anything meaningful on his mom either, which may make you an AH.

I know you don't like his mom, but if you love HIM you will help him figure out an approach that he can feel good about.

Several Redditors suggest she get a part-time job while finishing her schooling (for engineering). She already has a Master's in Special Education (but hated teaching and quit), so there are many fields she could work in to help support hiring care for MIL without doing it herself.

OOP's response:

Unfortunately, he does not understand that I need to finish my degree and it will take time for me to earn enough to get to the point to support him like he supported me. He expects me to work on my degree while also caring for his mother. Yes, he is willing to pay for support but he does not understand I do not have the headspace to deal with both. He does not get that I was not the sole caregiver for my dad, I had siblings and other family step up to help. I was not doing it alone with some paid help on the side.

[yesimreadytorumble](https://www.reddi...

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I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Present-Hope4502

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

BoRU #1 + BoRU #2 originally posted by u/ParadoxicalState

[New Updates]: My husband is cheating on me with my best friend

NEW UPDATES MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 and u/Small-Bodybuilder160 for finding new updates

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, threats, terminal illness, abandonment

Please read Editor’s Note before you proceed onto the newer updates.

Editor’s Note: due to the lengths of several new updates AFTER the original and prior updates, I am starting this BoRU with the TL;DRs, new updates (starting at Aug 2023), and relevant comments to stay within the character limit.

For a refresher of the story containing ~ the FULL original and first four updates. ~ Here is the BoRU #2

Original Post: June 5, 2023

OOP and her husband had been together since she was 19 and he was 22. Married for 6 years now with 2 kids, 3rd baby on the way. She found out her dad has cancer. Her mother has passed away when she was 12. OOP’s husband has been very supportive from day one and suggested her to step away from her job for a while to take care of her family. OOP has her best friend who she knew since they were babies. Both families grew up together. After going to wake her husband up, she discovered her friend’s text messages to him from his phone. Realizing it has been going on for four months that OOP’s husband and her best friend have been lying to her. She tries to figure out what to do next that she knew now about the affair.

Update #1: June 5, 2023 (same day, 14 hours later)

OOP spent a good amount of time gathering and documenting everything she has on her husband and her best friend. Used her dad’s hospice care plan as a front cover so her husband doesn’t know she knew. She is thinking about going to back to work, but working with a lawyer first to get things in order should she move forward with the next steps of her life. Per her lawyer, OOP doesn’t have to worry about her inheritance from her parents which her husband cannot touch it. While her husband was at work, OOP revealed what took place between her husband and best friends to their mothers who are now upset on the whole incident. Met with the lawyer, OOP gets her finances, logistics, and everything in order to make sure she is in a good position to go after her husband and best friend.

Update #2 - June 6, 2023 (one day later)

OOP names the characters in the posts: MIL & FIL: Ruth and Joe / EX-BFF’s parents: Angie and Bob / Ex-BFF: Jess / STBX: Tyler / Ex-BFF’s brother: Jake / OOP’s dad: dad.

OOP provides a quick summary on how things went so quickly in the last couple posts. She was able to meet with her OB/GYN on the same day to get checked, all clear. Several more tests were done and waiting for the results to arrive. OOP met with her lawyer to go over everything including her husband’s financial records that she got ahold of to make sure her bases are covered. If everything goes well with what she got, OOP should not have any problems with getting the divorce papers within a month. Angie and Ruth (MIL and Ex-BFF’s mothers) told OOP what happened after both sets of parents confronted Tyler (Ex) and Jess (Ex best friend). All four are very upset with both for the affair. Tyler and Jess have been cut off from their families.

Tyler discovers OOP has moved her stuff and their children’s stuff to her dad’s to get away. He went to look for OOP, but she wasn’t there. She left for her dad’s cabin with her kids, now away and safe. Tyler gets arrested after trying to break in OOP’s dad’s house (not cabin). OOP had to get a therapy session in order to talk things out from her end and will set up therapy sessions for her children as needed. Per her lawyer, OOP is now collecting all text messages from Jess who told her to fix everything especially her parents cutting her off. Blamed OOP for stealing Tyler from her. Tyler has begged to reconcile, but OOP isn’t giving in. He doesn’t know about the divorce papers yet until he would be served with them. OOP suspected Tyler and Jess won’t be staying together since their parents have confronted them. Jess’ brother, Jake is on leave from the military, he is stepping into help OOP and her family per Angie and Bob. OOP thanks the redditors for the continuing support as she deals with the whole situation on Tyler and Jess.

Update #3: June 12, 2023 (six days later)

Tyler finds OOP’s post and asked if she is serving him the divorce papers. OOP said yes. He begs for forgiveness for his behaviors toward her. OOP makes regular meetings with her lawyer to make sure she has everything as needed to make things smooth. Jake is doing great, being a great support system for OOP and her children. OOP’s dad is not doing well, now in the hospital for a while. Kids are adjusting well along with therapy already set up to cope with the unexpected events in their lives after moving away from Tyler. Still pregnant for a couple more months.

Update #4 - July 23, 2023 (one month later)

OOP’s dad has died. Her marriage ended in dissolution after Tyler found out about being served with the papers. Per her lawyer, the dissolution process was quickly and smoothly after Tyler gave OOP everything she asked for in the prior divorce papers. OOP has full custody of the kids with visitations for Tyler. Therapy is going on for OOP and her kids. Still pregnant, but the baby is doing well. OOP’s ex-MIL, Ruth, and ex-BFF’s mom, Angie, are helping her with the kids. All three women are on great terms with each other. Jake has gone back to his active duties but will be back to help OOP and her family. Their friendship is going great and might be moving onto the next step, but Jake and OOP are taking things slowly. Tyler and Jess are no longer together. He has left Jess, who has been blacklisted from her family after the blowup.

----NEW UPDATES----

Editor’s Note: Update #5 text in the comment was saved before it got removed

Update #5 (in comments): August 23, 2023 (one month later from the last update)

Just wanted to come back for a small update :) Baby is here! He was born slightly premature but no nicu stay was needed. He was 5lbs 9oz and 19” and absolutely beautiful. Angie was in the room with me when I had him while MIL stayed with the other littles. My older two are obsessed with their baby brother and it makes my heart happy.

MIL and Angie are taking turns spending the night and days with me for the first six weeks until we get acclimated. I told them they didn’t have to but they insisted. Honestly I’m grateful for it. I can feel the waves of PPD trying to drag me under and my mental health really hasn’t been doing so good (don’t worry my therapist knows and we’re working through it). Knowing that this baby never gets to know and feel the love of my dad has really been hurting and the fact that this is the only grand baby he didn’t get to meet. I miss him like crazy and wish he was still here.

Jake was planning on staying in for another two years to retire but they offered him “early retirement” (not because anything going on with me or this whole situation, there was a situation at work. He didn’t do anything wrong lol) so within the next six months he’ll be moving back home. He’s going to try house hunting and find a place before he comes home but since he isn’t allowed to take any leave during this time to view places since he has to work on his exit stuff there’s a chance he’ll be temporarily living with me until he finds a place. No he isn’t moving in permanently lol. He might even just get an apartment for a year and then buy a house.

There’s also some drama with Tyler already because he’s pissed I wouldn’t let him in the room when I had baby. So if you want any more updates on that front I’ll provide when I’m not overwhelmed.

Love you all, thank you all for being my ear when I need to vent and get everything off my chest. I hope all of your days are wonderful today and everything goes your way.

Until next time friends <3

Update #6: Answers to a few common questions and a small update <3: October 14, 2023 (2.5 months later)

Hey everyone, I can’t believe it’s been almost two months since I last updated you all. I’ve missed chatting, but life has been keeping me very busy.

• “does Tyler’s parents still talk to him?”

No. My MIL cut him o...

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I am not OP. That is u/prankthrowaway5780 who posted to r/AmItheAsshole and their own page

TW: home invasion, murder, death of a parent, death of a pet, emotional abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, domestic abuse, threats, verbal abuse

Mood spoiler: depressing but hopeful for OP

Original boru

Original Post  Oct 14th, 2021

AITA for yelling at and ignoring my girlfriend over a prank?

I’ve (22M) been with Nicole (25F) for a couple years now and she’s always liked survival stuff and weaponry and all that. I absolutely don’t. Really, really bad experiences with knives when I was younger, and Nicole knows about them. We both love Halloween and usually throw a party and dress up and goof around, cook up pumpkin seeds and watch movies.

Anyway the point is Nicole loves doing tricks with her knives (like five finger fillet, flicking it open and closed, twirling it etc) and she’ll do it when we’re watching a show or movie together - forgetting that I’ve asked her please not to. Or she’ll buy a new one and show it off, asking if I wanted to give it first bite(??) and pout when I say no. Two days ago she was playing with it again and I asked her why she keeps forgetting and she said “wow okay don’t insult my intelligence again” and then that it was just a knife and therefore not a big deal and therefore not that important to remember. After that, she put away the knife and we continued to have an okay night, but I was on edge and jumpy whenever she touched me.

Yesterday she called me into the kitchen. Only she was playing five finger filet... and I startled her and she “messed up”. Badly. I lost my cool. Screamed my head off, tried shouting what I knew about first aid at her while I raced to grab my phone, complete panic, dialing 911, only for her start laughing and show me that it was a “prank” involving red food dye and a carrot.

She had a nice laugh about how I would have known it was a joke if I wasn’t so squeamish about knives, that it’s proof I need to get more comfortable, that anyone with passing knowledge knows that it doesn’t look like that when something like that happens. She kept explaining how she did it, how she practiced, how she could show me, but I didn’t even answer her, it was like my head was underwater and my heart was beating out of my chest. Just moved on autopilot and grabbed my keys and drove a few blocks away before pulling over to breath. Nicole tried to call me and the first thing I said was “it wasn’t funny at all”, and she asked “are you crying?” Then I hung up on her.

She kept texting me, saying she was sorry, that she didn’t think I’d react so badly to a joke, that it was just meant to be good fun in the Halloween spirit. I ignored her. I texted her after that I was home but ignored everything else. This morning she sent the picture of the props to the group chat with a few of our mutual friends, and they chimed in saying “It doesn’t even look real”. I’ve muted the chat since and I’m wondering if I have a leg to stand on before I go back and apologize.

Edit 10/15 5:30pm Further update here:here

It’s... overwhelming how much of a response this got, and I tried to read all of your comments. Some of them made me laugh, some warmed my heart, others had very hard truths that I still needed to hear, no matter how raw it left me.

There are a lot of repeating questions and assumptions.

First: we don’t live together. At this point I don’t think we ever will.

Second: I stayed primarily because the good seemed to outweigh the bad. You remember the negatives more than the positive, so obviously I just had to remember her positive qualities instead of being swayed by my focus on the bad times. Plus it was always almost perfect after we had a fight, and I just assumed the boom and bust cycle was normal.

I didn’t know Nicole liked knives at first. A mutual friend (“Crystal”, who was in the group chat, and I met Crystal during a community college course) introduced us as I was new to the area and at first Nicole and I hit it off as we had a lot of shared interests - music, art, outdoors activity, going antiquing, wine, food and cooking... just a lot of things. We started dating and eventually went on a camping and hiking trip, where she used a knife to split some kindling and she was pointing it toward herself. I remember telling her to watch out and she had me to relax because she did it all the time, she asked me if I wanted to do it myself and I admitted I didn’t like knives. Later in the trip we drank by the fire and talked and that’s when I told her about my trauma. She promised to protect me and I remember that exactly because I had the mental image of her fending off a mugger and I joked that she was “my hero”. (My trauma has been brought up after that point, and neither of us were drunk at the time)

My knife issues typically don’t impact my daily life except to make me more apt to be very slow in the kitchen when chopping things.

It doesn’t seem like abuse, especially when we’re good. When it’s bad, it’s really rough. I don’t have really any other baseline as I was a late bloomer dating wise. My dad always said that you should both give 110% in a relationship but everyone argues. I thought working through the rough patches was normal. That’s also why I was preparing to apologize: because it takes two in an argument so I am responsible as well and need to apologize for my part. In this case, ruining the night with my reaction.

I did go through therapy to help cope with the initial incident surrounding my aversion to knives. I was a lot worse when it happened - to the extent where I couldn’t have anyone point the knife in the  direction of another living being, or certain songs on the radio that were playing at the time, or certain smells. I’ve made progress, but clearly not enough to stay with her and deal with her fidgeting with the knives. (I will admit to backsliding a bit in that I seem a lot more anxious when I stay the night and can’t stay asleep, or having more nightmares, which is why I believed her when she said I was overreacting)

Also concerning the fidgeting, it’s not a constant thing. Sometimes she’d go weeks without pulling the knife out. Sometimes she’d complain that I only focus on the fact she had used the knife, versus how long she had abstained, which seems reasonable to point out.

The Verdict was not enough info

Update 1  Oct 15th, 2021

A lot of the conversation is paraphrased with quotes that stuck in my mind. I also kept adding to this as things developed and I’m running on zero sleep, so I’m sorry if it’s not very clear.

I did reach out to Nicole again yesterday to talk and I went with the intention of standing my ground and explaining things so she could understand my side. She greeted me with “thanks for gracing me with your presence” and asked if I was here to act my age and talk like an adult. She slammed the door behind me and pointed to the couch so we could discuss things. Nicole opened with my reaction was unreasonable and completely out of line considering the situation. I said that things need to change because that prank wasn’t okay at all and she knows I have issues with knife violence and I asked “what was funny about the prank?” She interrupted and said that ultimatums aren’t part of any relationship so I said “I don’t think this is working out for us, I don’t think we’re happy together.”

Nicole froze at first and I started to explain that the knife thing and our respective stances being so different is not fair to either of us. But she repeatedly asked “so you’re going to break up nearly three years just because of this?” I tried to tell her it was more than just this, it was everything else, it was that she keeps forgetting and triggering me, that she loves playing with them but it upsets me, but she started talking over me and yelling that apparently I think she’s an idiot and that I’m the best actor in the world because she never knew I felt so horrible, and that maybe I should call the cops on her for abuse. She grabbed her cellphone and offered it to me again and again, saying “go on, call” but when I said we just need to talk, she interrupted with “no you won’t because you know, I know, we both know, no cop is going to arrest me for a joke”. Also I’m not very tall- 5’9 and she’s only 5’6 but she was standing right in front of me while I was seated, so I couldn’t get up without moving her.

After throwing her phone on the couch next to me, she stormed into the kitchen shouting that she should get rid of all her knives because I’m so terrified. She threw a few into the sink and then the whole block of knives into the trash, the whole time asking “what about this one? Too sharp? Too scary?”

When I flinched at the noises she said “oh do you feel threatened? How do you think I feel when I have to defend myself against your feelings?!” Nicole told me to quit crying, that I can’t just use tears to manipulate her, and mocked me when I said “please ...

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/GreatCharges

AITAH for missing my daughter’s birthday and my wedding anniversary for the birth of my sister’s baby?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to u/Playful_Pair3060 for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity

Original Post  June 25, 2024

My wife (31F) and I (33M) have been married for 8 years, and we have a 6 year old daughter.

My sister (31F) was married to her husband, but because of his infidelity, they are now looking for divorce. My sister was pregnant with her first child, but she did not want her husband in the delivery room with her. She called me and asked if I could come for emotional support because she was nervous about childbirth.

I of course said yes. She lives in a different state,  and I was going to go there for a week. But when I told my wife about it, she said that that I would be missing my daughter’s birthday, and our wedding anniversary (they’re both a day apart). I knew I would be missing those days, but I didn’t think it was a big deal and I told her we would celebrate the anniversary when I came back. And I didn't really need to be physically present for my daughter’s birthday. I could just FaceTime her. My wife then asked why my sister couldn’t call anyone else for emotional support, and I told her that was a really selfish thing to say. 

I was there for the birth of my sister’s baby, and everything went pretty smooth. When I came back I was really happy, and I started making plans for the wedding anniversary, but my wife seems a bit sad about everything. I know it’s because I missed the anniversary, but I really don’t see what’s the big deal when we can celebrate it on another day. I understand my wife considers it a very important and special day. But it’s just a day, and it doesn’t mean anything in significance compared to the birth of my sister’s baby.

Am I the AH?

Update  June 26, 2024

Link to original post for anyone interested:

Wow, that was a barrage of onslaught. I read a lot of the comments, and most people think I was an AH which I did not expect but it opened my eyes that I may have been neglectful to my wife. I want to provide a quick update but also first provide some more background and clarify a couple of things.

I read a lot of comments misinterpreting what I said on my last post. Of course, I think my daughter’s birthday and our anniversary are very important and special occasions. I just meant that compared to the process of going through childbirth during a stressful time, it seemed insignificant to me. My sister found out only a couple of months ago about her husband’s affair, it was horrible. When she called me, she was really worried about how the stress was going to affect labor, she was actually worried she was going to die because one of her friend’s mothers died during childbirth. She was panicking and I had to calm her down. Of course I was going to go, whether it was for a week or a month or however long.

A few comments asked why my sister did not call our parents. Both our parents passed away in an accident when we were really young and we were taken in by our loving grandparents, who we’ll always be grateful and thankful for. Both our grandparents have also passed away. Besides, my sister and I have always been tight. 

Why didn’t I take my daughter and my wife with me? My daughter’s birthday party was set up and the invitations had already been sent to friends and family. Besides, the last thing I was thinking at that time was a family trip. 

Now getting to the update, yes, I do realize after reading the comments that the way I went about everything was wrong. I shouldn’t have called my wife selfish. And I should have put more effort on our anniversary. I only called her and didn’t send her any gifts or flowers on our anniversary, and that’s my fault. I had a discussion with my wife a couple of hours ago, and I apologized for everything, and told her I would make up for it. She actually seemed very happy after the discussion, I think it’s because I apologized and took accountability which admittedly I haven’t done recently. I reassured her that our anniversary is they day I will always cherish the most.

I didn’t speak about my daughter much in the last post because there wasn’t really much to say. She did have a great time at the party. Yes, she missed me, but she’s really happy I’m back now. 

TOP COMMENTS

Environmental-Ad1791

Good for you my man, but people like you, give me hope.   No matter how daft I'll be, I'll never be this daft

~

Ga1aticOverlord

you didn’t send your wife anything on your anniversary?!?!? Yup that definitely explains her dead reaction in your last post. It sounds like she’s done this dance before. Buy your wife flowers man, damn.

ldnthrwwy

You're still describing the anniversary and birthday as 'insignificant'. Multiple things can be significant at once, and it's your job as a husband, father and sibling to balance them all. You don't pick your favourite and say 'fuck everyone else'. You've still got a huge attitude problem here.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Better-Manner-7205

Originally posted to r/Marriage

Husband left me and our newborn baby for another woman

Trigger Warnings: infidelity

Original Post: June 16, 2024

We’ve been married for 3 years. I’m 30 he’s 34. I had a baby 6 weeks ago after giving birth my husband was cold and so distant, I thought that he needed time to adjust to the new normal but turns out he was actually planning to leave us. 2 weeks ago he said to me that’s it’s not working out anymore and he doesn’t want to be married to me. The news broke my heart I kept asking him why was he doing this to our family and his response was “ I can’t pretend anymore”

He took all his clothes and left 2 days after. I just had this gut feeling that he was seeing someone else so I got into his email and found hotel reservations, he brought her on a vacation when I thought he was on a business trip. Searched her name on facebook and saw him in the background of her pictures. Turns out this has been going on for a year

I’m so hurt dealing with this and taking care of a new born baby. I’ve been crying all day for the past 2 week and being delusional thinking he will come back to us when he realizes he made a mistake. I texted him when I found out about the other woman and he ignored me then hours later asked how our son was doing so I blocked him

I’ve been feeling so lost I have no appetite haven’t been eating,as a result my milk supply is really low. I don’t know what to do anymore

Relevant Comments

Dear_Parsnip_6802: Do you have family or friends who can help support you?

I know you don't feel ready but you need legal advice as to your entitlements. You need him to pay child support at the very least.

OOP: My parents have been really supportive

OOP on if she is able to change the locks of the house

OOP: Don’t think I’m legally allowed to change the locks

Update: June 25, 2024

This morning, my husband came back, saying he made a mistake leaving his family and wants to work things out. These past weeks have been so rough; I’ve cried myself to sleep many nights all while taking care of a baby

I’m still hurting and feel even worse now that he’s back. Coming back doesn’t erase all the emotional stress he’s caused me. He left me and our baby when we needed him the most. I’m so lost and confused.

Relevant Comments

Bougieb5000: I wonder if she even knew he was married and/or had a pregnant wife/newborn baby. I bet she recently found out, just my guess…

OOP: I think she knew! He told me he left her I don’t believe him. I actually sent her a message I’m currently waiting on a response

prettyxpetty: You need to speak with a lawyer bc it him being at the house instead of you may work against you in the divorce… if it matters.

OOP: I asked him to leave and he refused so I left instead. I spoke to an attorney they said I can’t stop him from staying in our home

OOP questioning if her husband was having a mental breakdown or not*

OOP: If that’s the case he was having a mental breakdown even before I got pregnant?! He was having an affair before I even got pregnant and it all unfolded when I gave birth

Update: Text messages from other woman: June 26, 2024

Texts with AP and I, this confirms he’s a LIAR and has been lying to both of us

My previous post was very vague, so I thought I'd provide more detail. When my husband came back yesterday, he apologized and said it was a huge mistake. He admitted he wasn’t thinking straight and would do anything to make things right between us. He wants to be here for me and our son, repeatedly asking what he needs to do to make things right. I told him I didn’t want to see him right now and that it was best if he left, but he refused and kept begging to stay, saying he was sorry and calling himself an idiot who doesn’t deserve me.

I asked why he did this to us, and he admitted he wasn’t thinking clearly and said nothing can justify his horrible actions

TRANSCRIPTS OF THE TEXTS

O.W. - Other Woman

O.W.: It's me... I don't use messenger so thought it would be better to text you for starters [redacted] told me y'all were separated and he'd started the divorce process

O.W.: I feel so stupid now believing him

OOP: How long were y'all seeing each other and did you knew about our son all this time?

O.W.: I met him a year ago at Starbucks, where he paid for my coffee. That moment marked the beginning of our relationship. A few months ago, I discovered about the baby and decided to break things off. However, he insisted that it didn't mean anything and kept expressing his desire to be with me

O.W.: He moved in with me weeks ago till this morning he woke up and said he's going back to his family

OOP: He told me weeks ago the same time he moved in with you that it wasn't working with us anymore and he left me and our 4 week old

O.W.: 🥹 😢 omg l'm so sorry I didn't know I wouldn't let him move in with me had I known

OOP: You don't need to apologize you didn't know

OOP: !!

O.W.: I'm stuck in a lease I can't afford by myself because he convinced me to get this apartment for us... only to bail on me

OOP: How old are you?

O.W.: 25

O.W.: Please feel free to ask me anything you want to know

O.W.: Were you ever separated?

OOP: We were never separated and lived together till a few weeks after I gave birth

OOP: Did he tell you why we separated?

O.W.: He didn't say much it was very brief... All he mentioned was that things weren't working out between you two and something about growing apart

O.W.: When I found out you were pregnant, he said you were trying to trap him with the baby

OOP: Our child was planned actually and it was his idea to begin with! it's clear as day he's a pathological liar

O.W.: Is he back at your house or was that also one of his lies

OOP: He came back but we're not getting back together

O.W.: Good for you he's an asshole

O.W.: For the record I'm done with him too

Relevant Comments

How did OOP feel after talking with the other woman

OOP: Thank you! I tried my best to be understanding and not get upset, this woman owes me nothing I can’t be mad at her

OOP on if the other woman knew about the baby, she was with the husband for a year before OOP found out

OOP: She knew but my guess is she really loved him and didn’t care,regardless this is all on him! he was lying to both of us

I think she just wanted confirmation since we both know he lies about everything. If she chooses to take him back that’s on her

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/122throwaway1224

AITA for calling my grandmother insane for having beef with a 16 year old?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: verbal abuse, manipulation

Original Post  Dec 10, 2021

I (19F) have a very complicated relationship with my paternal grandmother. She’s generally sweet to everyone but is very mean to my younger brother (16M). Always has been.

I have a lot of theories as to why but my grandma insists it’s because my brother is immature/bratty/disrespectful etc.

My brother is more of a troublemaker than the rest of us but he is by no means a bad kid.

Anyways, my parents, older siblings and younger brother refuse to speak to her at all and although I really want to cut contact with the old lady—I felt a little bad for her considering she’s all alone now. My family are fine with me visiting and talking to her occasionally.

Last week, I picked my brother up from school when grandma called. She said it was an emergency so I asked my brother if he minded if I drove over to her place real quick. He said it was okay so we set off. My grandma kept spamming me with urgent texts the whole time.

We finally get there and my brother decides to come in as well bc grandma sent very alarming texts but guess what? The “emergency” was that she ran out of fucking avocados. Not once did she mention avocados in her texts.

My brother got pissed off bc he missed his sports practice and said “this is so fucking annoying” and “fuck your avocados.” My grandma was shocked and called my brother a stupid bastard. She brought up his adhd and how he was the result of an affair (100% sure he isn’t btw). I got pissed off too bc she was being extra mean for no reason and called my grandma insane and told her that she was really fucking crazy for having beef with a kid. ALSO ITS JUST AVOCADOS. We left after a little more arguing.

My grandma keeps messaging me now saying I broke her heart and that she expected better from me. That I was incredibly rude and this isn’t good for her health. I refuse to respond to her texts and am planning on going no contact with her but my older sister said I was in the wrong yesterday which is making me doubtful. My sister says my brother insulted her first and she only retaliated. My sister also thinks my brother needed a “stern talking to” anyways. The only reason I’m doubtful is because my sister HATES our grandma. That must mean something right? Also my grandma does have health issues which worsen when she’s in stress and she texted me only a couple of hours ago saying she’s almost fainted a bunch of times bc of my brother and me.

So AITA for defending my brother and calling my grandma insane/crazy?

Edit: Mistyped brother’s age-it’s been a long day. Sorry.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

MightyMarf

Your granny is a master manipulator.  How many members of your immediate family dislike her and avoid her?  All of them, did you say?  Your language might have been a bit rough indeed (and your brother's too), but granny claimed to have an emergency that turned out to be bogus and in poor taste.  She does not respect you or your time.  Stick to your guns.

NTA

OOP

I suppose our language was rough. And yes. All of them. My dad’s her only child too. She doesn’t have many friends either and my grandpa divorced her YEARS ago.

Thanks for your comment.

~

DarkestSideMoon

NTA

Grandma is now trying to guilt trip you after being told off for her lack of respect. Don´t cave - parents and sister can help her then. Avocados are not emergencies.

Maybe your brother was rude, but she seems to be very spiteful and mean - saying he is an afair child is disgusting even if it was true. It should not be thrown in an argument.

OOP

You’re absolutely right. But yeah-he isn’t an affair child lmao. The only reason my grandma thinks so is because my brother looks nothing like my dad and JUST like my mother who was/is extremely pretty.

My grandma wanted my brother to be in some beauty pageant (idek) when he was much younger and my mother refused because she hated those things and that was when my grandma started the affair child bullshit bc somehow it correlates. Eye roll am I right?

Wow, recalling everything is seriously making me wonder why I even tried with her.

Thanks for your reply.

TOP COMMENTS

Spoiled_Moose

NTA- Fuck - and I say this with as much respect as I can muster - your Grandma

CatnipParade

NTA

Fuck her avocados.

wutTFisA-RedditBruh

FUCK HER AVOCADOS

Update  Dec 17, 2021 (1 week later)

Quick update for people who asked. It hasn’t been long but I doubt much is going to happen after the shit that happened so I’m updating now.

So my little brother decided to take matters into his own hands and almost made everything so much worse. Him and his friends were going to egg (yes. EGG) my grandmother’s house. My older brother found out and put a stop to it.

We (other siblings and I) were pretty annoyed but then my brother had a huge breakdown.

He said some sad stuff but basically he’s literally been feeling physical pain since the incident. My mom ended up walking in on this and she was so mad.

She was upset with my siblings and I for keeping this whole thing a secret. But was more upset with my grandma. After I finished explaining the whole situation, mom drove to my grandma’s house and blew up. She made me and my brother come along and holy. I’ve never seen my mom so angry.

She told my grandma that she was tired of her behaving like a child and that she should’ve been grateful I still talked to her. She called my grandma a jealous witch who needed to get over herself. She then forced her to apologize to my brother and I.

My grandma apologized to me but refused to even look at my brother. This made my mom angrier and she made some very true observations about my grandma’s personality.

Then we left. My grandma was shocked the entire time. My mom NEVER shouts. She’s what some consider a “pushover”. But omg y’all.

Anyways, mom apologized to us as well for some reason then got everyone ice cream. My dad is coming back tonight (mom told him everything) and he apologized for not being here as well. They both feel guilty but I don’t think they understand that we didn’t tell them for their own sakes-not because we didn’t trust them.

Either way, brother has a therapy appointment this week to talk about everything + work on the whole egging houses thing but other than that, that’s it. My grandma hasn’t texted me since my mom yelled at her.

I touched on this in the comments but the reason she dislikes my brother so much is because he is quite literally a copy of my mom and my mom is stunning. My mom was in beauty competitions as a kid and so was my grandma. My grandma never won a single one while my mother won a couple. That’s what stemmed her hatred for my mom. It’s crazy how this all ties back to something so toxic.

Also my grandma loves being in control so when my mother refused to allow my brother to participate in these dumb ass beauty pageants my grandma went crazy and accused my mom of cheating on my dad. In conclusion? I’m really fucking stupid for wanting to give my grandma a chance despite knowing all this.

Like I’m going insane wondering why. Anyways, thanks for the supportive comments. I do realize now that grandma is not my responsibility.

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Previous BORU here. **New Update marked with *******

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Mood Spoiler: happier ending this time

Original Post: October 13, 2023

For some background info I (43m) have 2 children with my late wife Kayla. Sam (21m) and Liz (16f). All fake names. Kayla passed away when our kids were 15 and 10. I won’t give specifics about how she passed but she was struck by a drunk driver when she was on her way home from work. She really was the love of my life and to say that her passing hit our family hard would be an understatement. I promised myself that if I got back into the dating game I wouldn’t date anyone for at least a couple years for the sake of my kids. 3 years after my wife’s passing, I met my now fiancé. We’ll call her Amanda. Things went slow and I didn’t introduce her to my kids until we had been dating for about a year at that point. Now we’ve been together for 3 years and are engaged. Amanda and my kids have always had a good relationship. Neither of my kids are super close to her but they have always been friendly and welcoming to her, and Amanda has never overstepped any boundaries my kids have, like trying to replace their mother.

At the beginning of Amanda and I’s relationship, she was a bit insecure of the fact that I was a widower. During the first few months of us dating she would constantly ask things like “if Kayla had never passed, would I still be with her right now.” I always kept my answers brief, and told her that I didn’t like thinking about the “what ifs” and that she was the one I was dating now and that was what mattered. Eventually she stopped making these comments and I stopped worrying about it.

Now to the issue. My parents were hosting a family dinner to celebrate my fiance and I’s engagement. It was my mom and dad, my late wife’s sister and her husband, Sam and Liz, and me and Amanda. Dinner was going well, we were all making small talk with each other and talked about wedding plans. About half way into dinner my mom made a comment about how she was “so happy I was able to find the spark I had with Kayla in someone else.” I don’t think anybody really paid much attention to the comment but then Amanda laughed and said “I’m happy she died, otherwise I would have never gotten him to myself.” The tone of the dinner immediately shifted and everyone got extremely tense, especially my kids. Amanda noticed the shift and started awkwardly laughing like she was trying to play her comment off as a joke. I was honestly just frozen as that was the first time she had made a comment like that. My kids looked disgusted and Liz got up and walked out to the car. Sam waited a bit longer like he wanted me to say something but I was still in shock about what Amanda had said.

To make a long story about the dinner short, the dinner was kind of ruined, so I said my goodbyes to everyone, grabbed my fiancé and we all drove home. My daughter hasn’t spoken to me or Amanda since and it’s been 3 days. I got tired of it and pulled my son aside to ask him what I should do. He said something along the lines of “I’m a grown man and don’t care who another grown man marries, but I don’t want a women who speaks like that about our mother around my sister.” Sam’s comment stuck with me and now I’m considering calling off the engagement entirely. She’s never made comments like this before but I’m worried if I let it slide this one time, it will become more frequent and it will affect my daughter. I need some advice from outside perspectives and just want to do right by my kids. WIBTAH if I called of the engagement because of the comment she made?

Edit: Wow I didn’t expect to get this much advice so shortly after posting this. Nonetheless thank all of you for the advice and even the people calling me a bad father. I think your guys words are what I needed to pull my head out my ass. I will try to talk to my kids alone tonight before speaking with my fiancé and we’ll see where it goes from here. I’m pretty sure my fiancé and I are over though. I’ll update late tonight or tomorrow on how the talks with everyone goes. Thank all of you again for setting my head straight.

EDIT#2: I tried posting my update on here but this post wouldn’t allow it. I’ve made a separate post for the update for those interested.

Update Post: October 14, 2023 (Next Day)

This is an update post for those who have read my initial post asking for advice.

Update: I promised I would update everyone after I had talked to my kids so here is the update. it’s kind of long so I hope that doesn’t go against the rules of this community. I’m also gonna use this update as a way to clarify some of the questions people were asking in the comments.

1. Did my fiancé apologize to anyone at the dinner party? No she didn’t. I honestly don’t think it even registered or has registered to her that what she said was wrong.
2. Does fiancé have social anxiety? Not to my knowledge no. In all the time I’ve known her she’s never shown any signs of social anxiety and doesn’t have a history of it.
3. How old was my late wife? She was 37 when she passed and we were the same age. Amanda is 41. A lot of people were asking for clarification on the time frame of her passing and when my fiancé and I met. At this point in time Kayla has been gone for about 6 years and I met Amanda roughly 3 years after Kayla’s passing. I didn’t mention either of their ages as I didn’t believe it was important because we’re so close in age but I understand why a lot of you guys would want to know.

Now that I’ve clarified the things I was most asked about in the comments we can get into the update. While I’m writing this update, it’s the day after I talked to my kids. So last night at around 5:30 my fiancé left for work. She works nights most days of the week so I was able to call my son and ask if he could come over so I can talk to him and his sister. He goes to our local college and lives in an apartment near his school. When he started college he wanted to move out but also wanted to stay close to us so he settled on an apartment a few blocks away from the college.

He came over and I called him and his sister into the living room to talk with the both of them. When they were both seated I told them point blank that I didn’t think the wedding was happening anymore, and that the comment she made was unacceptable. I then (by the advice of the comments) apologized to them. I told them I was sorry for not saying anything for so long and letting the tension thicken in our home. I told my daughter that I understood why she hasn’t spoken to me and that I was sorry for allowing her to think that I was even remotely ok with what she said.

I felt pretty spineless after we had gotten back from dinner that night so I wanted to do everything in my power to make it right with my kids during the conversation. My daughter told me that she felt disgusted at the comment Amanda made and even more so when I didn’t defend her mother. She then told me that the past 2 years that she’s known Amanda, she felt like she’s been gradually trying to push her and Sam away from me.

One of the examples Liz gave when was when my son moved out. He moved out when he was about to start his sophomore year of college, and when he mentioned the idea of moving out, Amanda was the one who took that and ran with it. According to Liz, Amanda was the one encouraging Sam the most to move out. To be clear, I was never against Sam moving out, but I was clear to him to he was welcome to live at home for his college years and even after until he found where he wanted to be.

I asked Sam if he felt pushed out by Amanda, and if that’s why he moved out. He said he hadn’t felt pushed out before he told everyone he wanted to move, but after he put it out there my fiancé kept pushing for him to move out. Liz cut in and said that every time she brings up college, Amanda keeps encouraging her to go out of state. Liz doesn’t plan on going out of state and she’s been open about wanting to go to the college Sam is attending right now. Liz said she feels like Amanda is waiting till she graduates high school and goes to college so she can move out.

A lot of the comments were right about the subtle comments eventually turning into Amanda wanting my kids pushed away from me. Liz said that she was scared that by the time I eventually noticed the way Amanda was acting, too big of a wedge would have already been driven between me and them. I told my kids that I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to notice and that I was also sorry they’ve been been walking on eggshells for so long.

I hugged my kids and told t...

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Trigger Warning: parental death; emotional neglect;

Mood Spoiler: tentatively happy ending, maybe

Original Post: June 13, 2024

I'm (19f) living at home, working a part-time job, doing some freelance stuff and taking some online courses all in preparation for attending college next year. My sister (25f) had her 1st child 8 months ago. The father isn't involved and only pays CS.

My mom is excited to have her first grandchild and is constantly offering to look after the baby so my sister can feel at ease working full time and afterwards, will have some time for herself to relax. The thing is, about 70% of the time I'll be the one looking after the baby, and while I admit that I enjoy it and like spending time with him, I can't help but feel mad because they don't have any consideration for my time. Mom would drop the baby while I'm in the middle of my lessons because "you can always watch the recordings later" or "just ask someone to tell you what it was about". Or when I'm working in my freelance stuff because "looking after the baby doesn't really require much" when I complain about getting delayed in my projects.

My breaking point happened last week when my mother and sister left the baby with me for a whole day because I mistakenly told them I didn't have to work and would be staying at home to catch up with some pending stuff and study. I told them both irresponsible and they called me a spoiled brat. That night, my grandma and other members of the extended family were calling and sending me messages about the importance of helping family, and to understad that my sister doesn't have it easy being a single mom. I got mad and sent a message to the family group chat saying that they were right, helping family is important and we all should be supportive of my sister. I then proceeded to write a schedule in which all of us could take care of the baby. Because one aunt goes to visit grandma on mondays and wednesday's mornings they could babysit those days. Eldest cousin and her siblings ar at ther home fridays afternoon??? well, they can babysit that time... and so on. I left saturday mornings and tuesday evenings as my time to babysit. My sister and my mom were very pleased with the arrangement. The other family... not so much. And when someone pointed out that my sister didn't get the baby for a whole day, discussions about my sister being an irresponsable mother started, with my mother trying to defend her.

AITA for causing this??? How come they were expecting me to be my sister's unpaid nanny, but then they get offended when the same thing is being forced on them?? I may be the AH because I caused this and don't regret it one bit.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: NTA You aren’t a spoiled brat. Your sister is a spoiled brat. She chose to bring a child into this world thinking other people would parent him for her.

The only person responsible for this baby is your sister.

OOP: I blame that on our mom. When my sister told us she was pregnant and that the father woul'd be involved, our mother assured her if she kept the baby, then she would help her whenever she needed, as she's already retired and like I said, was excited to have her 1st grandchild.

Commenter: If your mom assured her that she would be the one to help her whenever she needs it, why is she turning around and dumping the baby on you instead?

OOP: I might have a theory on that. Way before my sister got pregnant, we (mom, sister, me) were talking about the future and the theme of marriage and kids came up. I must have around 14?? at the time and I proclaimed I would like to be childfree. Mom didn't took it too seriously at the time, kinda like "you'll change your mind when you grow up". I didn't.

So i think she is in part doing to to convince me that babies/children aren't that bad, because sometimes when I was babysitting she would go aaaawwww about how I would be an amazing mother and how good I am with children. But I don't want to. I love being an aunt and was pretty excited about nephew being born too, but the constant babysitting pretty much drained me out. I might change my mind on having children in the future (adoption or surrogacy, which I'm sure my mom woul'd approve either), but being pressured like this isn't helping.

Sis getting a nanny or babysitter:

I already suggested hiring a nanny several times, but my sister claims that she wouldn't feel at ease leaving her child with an stranger. I then agreed to babysit certain days according to my schedule, but they wouldn't respect it. I did get payed to babysit a few times, but they would make a big deal out of it and I would end up feeling guilty, so I stopped asking for any payment.

Commenter: NTA Its nice to help out every now and then when you can but you have a life too. Your family shouldn't expect you to babysit and just be fine with it when you clearly have a busy schedule and now that they have a taste of their own medicine all of a sudden its a problem.

OOP: I think most of the problem is that they don't consider what I do aside my part time job (a tutor at a children's academy), "worthy" of being bussy. I work as a freelance editor of audio and video, but they just see it as me being in my laptop just because, and I take spanish courses 4 times a week, along with audio engineering stuff 3 times a week. Both require me to do homework and in the latter case, work on projects. But they still don't consider that a big deal and I'm honestly too tired of explaining to them why both are important.

Commenter: I absolutely love this. Well done. How much time off from the child does your sister get at present?

OOP: I think is easier to tell you how much time my sister gets with baby. She's a paralegal at a law office, works from 8 to 5 monday-wednesday and friday. Between commuting and she and mom saying she needs time to eat and rewind, she gets the baby around 7 pm. Thursdays are home office, but because "home office is stil work", she won't watch the baby until the evening. Weekends: she'll have the baby on saturday evenings (mornings too, unless she goes to have brunch/coffee/whatever with her friends, not every saturday, to her credit), and Sundays is half-half, because we usually get together with the rest of extended familly and in the evening paternal grandparents will visit to bond with nephew. So, objectively, She does not really spend a lot of time alone with baby.

Commenter: That was a beautiful way to address that. Everyone always says but family until it comes back on them.

OOP: Hahaha, thank you!! I admit I got the inspiration after reading several reddit posts and comments dealing with similar issues. I was like... "What if I did...??" and while I don't necessarily regret taking that route, there's this little worry of having going to far. As I said, the family is having a big discussion about this.

(to another commenter): Honestly, I wasn't being all that serious. I mostly was angry and just wanted to prove my point. But given how it all blew up was way more than what I hoped for.

Update (Same Post): June 20, 2024 (1 week later)

OK, a lot of things happened. Honestly, I'm still not in the mood to provide a full update. The main points are: My sister did tried to impose the babysitting schedule I made and the family wasn't happy. Mom, Sis and I had a big discussion, hurtful things were said on both ends and I'm currently staying with my BFF and his GF (total sweethearts, but not a feasible long term arrangement, even though they have said I could stay with them as long as I need). The family is complaining non stop and I'm feeling guilty because technically, I'm the one who caused this by creating the schedule in the first place, maybe I should just sucked it up, and I do really feel sorry for my nephew. All the family usually gets together on sundays and this time, my grandma's eldest daugher (Mom's eldest sister) is comming from another state. This is kind of like a big thing since she's granma's golden child (in a good way) and kind of like the leader of the family. I'm both hopeful and nervous. If someone can solve this shitshow, is her, but at the same time I'm worried about her blamming me like everyone else. I'll provide a full update then.

Also, sorry for not having the time to answer all the comments and PMs, like I said, a lot of things happened. But here's some of the questions some people asked:

1. My relationship with mom and sis: It was pretty good before my sister got pregnant. We (sis and I) always knew that she was more favored by our mom because they had more common interests, while It was the same case for me and my dad. This wasn't necessarily a bad thing, think it more of a If one of us wanted to visit a frie...

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Trigger Warning: infidelity; child abandonment; heart attack; death

Mood Spoiler: just kind of sad all around

Original Post: May 30, 2024

My (F53) soon to be ex husband Roger (47), whom I forgave for his affair, came home with a baby four months ago. His girlfriend (22) could not handle it anymore and brought the baby to him at work and left. To the best of his knowledge she is in Spain.

I allowed him to stay so long as I didn't have to do anything. Anything.

Well about a month ago Roger had a heart attack. It didn't kill him, mores the pity, but he is very weak and incapable of doing anything for himself. Since he isn't up and about he cannot care for his child. He also cannot drop of and pick up his son at daycare.

I have been helping but I'm done. My kids are full grown. I shouldn't be having grandkids any time soon. I do not have any desire to care for a baby.

I told Roger that I want a divorce, and I contacted the mother's parents. I know the father through friends. I said they had until Friday to come get their grandchild or I was calling Child Protective Services.

They just left with the baby. But they scolded me for being so cold towards a baby that had done me no harm. I view that child differently.

Roger is recovering and I will be moving out. The house is in his name but I have never contributed to it. I have the equivalent of twenty two years of rent and interest put away. And as per our prenup my savings are my own.

I work and I don't need anything out of this marriage except myself.

My kids tried telling me to stay and help their father. I said that they were welcome to come over and help him with cleaning himself and the baby. Both declined what I felt was a fair offer.

I do not feel that I am acting badly however Roger, our children, his child's family, and a few mutual friends think I am. Perhaps writing this out and seeing the responses will give me clarity.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: NTA. That child was not your responsibility. Yes, it was innocent but you're literally not responsible for raising it.  You should have divorced Roger long ago. 

OOP: And God forbid something happens I literally cannot make any decisions regarding medical care or anything . 

Commenter: FAKE NTA. Seriously? The kid is 4 months old…..you could not have possibly forgiven anyone for this level of betrayal.If you’ve been married for decades…..it’s your house so get what you’re owed.

OOP: I think the baby is almost a year old. The house was a premarital asset on our prenup. 

Commenter: I looked at lots of these comments, OP. You are NTA for returning the baby to blood relatives who can look after it. But don't be TA to yourself by abandoning your home without consulting an attorney and making sure you aren't entitled to some of the equity or some of his retirement savings. Don't walk away without getting all that is yours. You said that you have 22 years worth of savings. That's not a lifetime worth--you might need more to be okay, and you should make sure to get it on your way out.

OOP: I have a little over a million dollars in investments. I'll be fine. He paid for everything. I kept all my money.

This comment was downvoted but OOP's reply made me laugh:

Commenter: Women these days are cold af

OOP: I can forward your their info if you are volunteering to take over. 

Update Post: June 26, 2024 (almost 1 month later)

I am no longer divorcing roger. There were complications from his heart attack and he has passed away. I am conflicted. He was the love of my love but also a cheating piece of trash.

To the best of my knowledge the mother will not return from Europe. The child is currently with her parents. They asked me what I wanted to do. I recommended adoption. Not that I adopt the child. That they put the child up for adoption.

They didn't like that suggestion.

Neither did my children.

They said i am being cold and cruel. I suggested that since the child was related to them and not to me that they step up. Neither has accepted that suggestion either.

I was the sole beneficiary of Roger's estate so I imagine lawyers will be involved in getting the child some sort of support. I will pay whatever is ordered by the court out of the estate. I will not pay one cent out of my money.

That is all I have to say on this matter.

Relevant Comments:

Ages of OOP's kids:

They are adults. 

To a now deleted comment:

I found out about the affair over a year ago. Nothing about this is convenient. 

Commenter (downvoted): So apparently the affair wasn't that much of a problem as you said you forgave him for that. But after he has a heart attack you decide to divorce him? It just doesn't add up.

OOP: I was not responsible for the child.

Commenter: True. That doesn't explain the divorce. I mean you can divide for whatever reason. You do you. To me, however, infidelity seems like a better reason to divorce than having a heart attack.

OOP: I was not to care for the child at all. It was all on Roger. Can you explain how a bedridden man was to care for an infant? 

Commenter: i agree you have 0 responsibility to the child. however if your kids did adopt how would you feel about that as the baby would then be your grandchild?

OOP: Adopted grandchildren are great.

(to another): New grandchild. I would do my best to treat them as such. 

Commenter (downvoted): Roger's will may have omitted the child due to the child not being around when it was written. The child should inherit a portion. The child should be eligible for Social Security survivor benefits. Baby needs a lawyer, ASAP.

OOP: Roger's will also omitted his two adult children. 

Commenter (downvoted): You are evil, you wished him dead, now he is. I hope you at least fell a little remorse for what you said.

OOP: I don't. He broke me. 

(to another commenter): We were getting divorced for a reason.

Commenter (downvoted): 70% of the posts here are fake. Yeah my husband just died and I'm dealing with this child situation on top of it, def gonna post on reddit!

OOP: The situation has been dealt with. I was asked by several people for an update. I have now fulfilled those requests. 

OOP responds to soooo many people telling her she needs to help the child:

Why does anyone think I have the right to place the child with anyone besides family? I am not in any way related to this child. 

and: The child is currently with their grandparents. Blood relatives. With standing in legal matters. 

Editor's note- to avoid confusion, I created a timeline based on OOP's listing of events.

1. OOP found out about the affair a year ago (lets say May 2023.) At the time she forgave the husband.
2. In January-ish of this year (4 months from the OG post,) the baby was dropped off. Husband promised to take care of the baby.
3. The husband had a heart attack sometimes in April (a month before the OG post)
4. Sometime between May and June of 2024, the husband passed away

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-07-03 04:00:03+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/GreatestThrow-man

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & r/AITAH

AITA for not wanting to walk her down the aisle or lie in a speech?

Editor’s note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: manipulation, mild ableism, obsessive behavior

Original Post: May 10, 2024

I (41M) have two kids with my ex wife, (42F) a son John(22) and daughter Sally (20), I'm remarried to my wife (28). I'm very close with my kids, my son is engaged to Abbie, she seems nice but has been a bit pushy trying to create relationships with me and my wife, though she's also awkward with her. Abbie isn't close to her family, she told us many stories why and while some of her complaints don't seem awful, it's not my place to judge and I didn't live it so I can't know anyway.

We've tried to be welcoming but Abbie has forced her way into some family traditions where she wouldn't have been invited, and some where no one outside of specific family would have. She has been calling Sally "sis" since they were only dating a few months, has an odd sister/mother-in-law thing she does with my wife, and the one I'm not a fan of, wants me to be like father to her. Not because we've clicked or anything. We are very different people, not saying that in a bad way, just saying it's not based on how we get along or anything.

My kids and I have a tradition when they come over that we have a private catch-up in my office/study before they leave, which is now even more important to them because while they both get along well with my wife they don't want to have personal conversations around her yet. Abbie asked if we could talk, and after I explained the tradition John later asked that I do it, saying she'd never had a caring conversation with her dad.

We compromised that I didn't include her in the tradition but do join the two of them for coffee and let her talk. Then she started calling me dad, they werent even engaged yet, John pulled me aside and begged me to give her that, laid this whole thing on me about me always being the dad she always wanted right in front of her and she just wanted that, told me she cried watching me and Sally together (she still gives me random hugs, I'm a lucky dad). I didn't like it but I do feel bad so fine I gave her that. She wants me to walk her down the aisle and the father/daughter dance. I don't want to walk her down, and I walk with a cane so dancing is hard. At my own wedding I only danced twice. John is begging for me to do one, preferably the aisle.

They came over Sunday, John and I were talking, I thought to address it, when Ab walked in without knocking, asking if he'd told me yet. I asked what, John said she wanted me to say something about having a second daughter now in my speech and how I loved her. I just looked at him. She asked if I'd do the walk and dance for Sally, I said of course. She yelled she's my daughter too and I said it will never be the same, Sally is my actual daughter. I tried to explain I'd talk about her being a happy addition to the family and I love how happy she makes Jack, which i thought was a good compromise, but she started crying. John apologized and they left, but he called me when they were home nearly begging me to. AITA because I won't lie and say I love her or she's my daughter.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Relevant Comments

FuzzyMom2005: NTA. You have your boundaries. Abbie sounds like she's developed this fantasy involving you and your family. That can't be healthy.

And yelling at you? "You WILL tell people you love me! You WILL tell people I'm your second daughter! You WILL have a good time at my wedding!"

OOP: OOP: John told me she really wants to be part of the family, but she started so quickly I wonder how much is us vs the idea of us. I've been told she immediately was obsessed with the relationship my kids and I have. The yelling...I was more concerned for John than upset, honestly. She seemed...not ok, right then.

Commenter: Yeah, this doesn’t sound like it’s about you or Sally as actual people. It’s about Abby’s fantasy of having a family. It makes me wonder how much she really even knows you or Sally.

There’s nothing wrong with her wanting a family, but she’s going about it wrong. Relationships grow and develop over time, you don’t just claim someone as family and have an instant relationship with them. She could definitely benefit from therapy.

OOP: She knows Sally a bit now, with me she learns surface level things and approaches me, but when I try to engage she immediately acts like we're so close and switches subjects to something related to how much closer we should be. John says it's nerves but it doesn't seem like it.

charmedphoenix39: NTA. You have to keep correcting her. She pushed this far with the aisle/speech because you gave them an inch with the Dad, etc. You need to put your foot down with your son and her. If this continues, someone in the family will get fed up and might explode on them and it won’t be pretty. What if that confrontation comes at the wedding? This needs to be sorted now before the relationship and interactions continue. Otherwise you might need to consider lowering the amount of contact you have with your son and his wife.

OOP: That's partly why I'm upset, I have tried compromising because I want to help my son but at some point understanding has to go both ways. I understand she wants family, and I know she's partly jealous because I like my daughter's girlfriend more, but we're in the same field and she let it happen naturally. I feel like it's all give and no take.

UPDATE - AITA not walking her down the aisle or lying: June 26, 2024

AITA for not wanting to walk her down the aisle or lie in a speech? : r/AmItheAsshole (reddit.com)

I had planned on writing this sooner but life got in the way in a couple of really good ways, but people were helpful and asked for updates, and I have a surprise free day, so here it goes:

Mother's Day my kids and their partners go to visit my ex wife. So it turns out my ex wife and Abbie are a lot closer than I realized. She calls her mom, which is part of where this comes from. Also apparently my ex has been egging it on. On mother's day they were talking about the wedding and I guess whenever Abbie referred to me it was as dad. My son apparently told her let it go, which led to yelling.

Abbie about deserving to be my daughter, ex telling her that she's right, son telling her that I am trying and she should be realistic about things, Sally telling her I only had one daughter - which was apparently a response to Abbie saying to her that as my "daughters" they should be united. according to my son Abbi was crying, according to Sally she was crying ang yelling and kicked something before going to her room, and Sally told me she went off on her mom, but will not elaborate so I don't know what was actually said. But knowing Sally - whoo boy.

Around 2am I got a text from Sally's partner's phone saying "Abbie really is great, she hasn't been perfect but you should give her a chance and you will learn to love her." I saw it when I woke up I tried to text her back but was blocked, so I called Sally but they were driving. They stopped by my place later that day because I am on the way and my daughter prefers my liquor and cooking and they told me about the night before.

At the end I asked to speak to her partner alone, I asked if I had done something to upset her. She was confused and I told her I was blocked. She said I wasn't but checked her phone and I was, and I said it was after her message and she asked what message. I showed her, it was not on her phone anymore. At that point we brought in Sally and caught her up, neither of them were happy.

A couple of days later John and Abbie dropped by unannounced; not something we really do in this family but ok fine, I had mad salmon, does not take long to cook. I cook 2 more, wife serves while I make drinks. The entire night was Abbie trying to bring up the wedding, John trying to change the subject, Abbie not allowing that.

We talk logistics because I am helping them get some good deals through some professional contacts I have when finally she just says "so I was talking to mom, she said that you can walk me down the aisle and she'll do the dance, or you can dance and she'll walk, it's your call but you need to choose soon."

I reiterated that I could not dance (she tried arguing that I had danced a little at my wedding but I made it clear that is different) and did not feel comfortable walking her. She got upset and said "mom loves me why can't you?" I felt bad but couldn't lie, I pointed out that she had John who loved her, my exwife, friends, she had people who love her. She said "but other than (ex-wife) those aren't my parents" I said "neither am I." She was very emotional so my wife and I gave them a few minutes.

My son and I were alone later, he looked exhausted. He said the problem was that after Mothe...

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Chrisgpresents

About to show my GF The Blair Witch Project - telling her it’s a documentary made by history students looking into an old folktale. Wish her luck 😂

Originally posted to r/horror

Original Post Oct 17, 2022

My girlfriend is on her way home to watch Blair witch with me. She never heard of this movie, which has me leaning in to the fact that it’s a real documentary.

She doesn’t watch horror movies at all. So we’re starting off with a fun one here. I’m just so excited to experience this movie with someone who doesn’t know it’s a mocumentary.

We’re old enough to experience the paranormal activity hype, so at some point she might recognize what she’s watching… but Either way, it’s going to be a FUN NIGHT.

Will update if there is anything noteworthy to say here haha

TOP COMMENTS

[deleted]

Give us your address, we'll come throw pebbles at your window after you go to bed.

d1201b

Nah, make one of them face the corner so they can't see the other being killed.

In_what_world

And make those stick things and leave them hanging in your trees

Nadaesque

Just leave a few of them in the trees for when she goes out in the morning.

~

jim_mayo

I burnt the ploughkeepsie tapes on a blank dvd and told my mum It was a banned documentary i bought off the dark web

~

Comfortable_Double46

Haha I told that to my wife about paranormal activity that it was a documentary about a couple moving into a new house with a baby as we just had one

~

Barkasia

Sorry how can you be old enough to have watched Paranormal Activity but not have even heard of Blair Witch?

OOP

Yeah, she hasn't heard of the shining, the thing... Blair witch fits there. She probably knows Michael Meyers but likely doesn't know if he's Friday the 13th or halloween

OOP Added elsewhere

I swear on my life this is legit.

She's never heard of psycho, the thing or the shining.

She literally is not in tune with horror as a genre. She probably played Michael Meyers as a kid growing up, but can't tell you what movie he is from (I'd be guessing).

So this is not much of a stretch. If it was paranormal activity, it wouldn't work, because we were in middle school when that movie was being hyped

~

Deviant_Machine

Oh man... If you can find Curse of the Blair Witch to watch beforehand...then she might legitimately get scared.

OOP

Thank you for this tip!

I ended up showing the trailer because amazon prime had a small slip up. When we paused the movie, the actors had their real names (which were the characters names) but photos from modern day.

She asked if they lived, and I showed her the trailer to curse, and she was like, oh wow, they actually died? I said I'm not sure, I guess so

Update Oct 18, 2022 (next day)

Play By Play During The Film

The first half of the film there is absolutely nothing that gives you the feeling that this might not be real, so it really did suck us in like a modern day "vlog" except it was 90 minutes.

We laughed at certain points, she thought it was wild that Heather was going into the woods with a guy she's never met. Was kind of pissed at Heather for talking over all the interviewees.

Then there were the historical parts of the movie that drew her in, sort of like modern day Netflix serial killer documentaries. The guy that murdered 7 kids, that one rock in the woods that was the mass grave.

She was buying into the mystery.

The first night of spooky stuff was so masterfully done - she totally bought it.

I went on a long hiking trip a year ago, and I told her, "Sleeping out in the woods is scary cause you hear every little sound animals make." So she bought into the reality of how creepy it was for them.

As the film ramped up and the fighting began between the crew, she bought all of that, and the MAP. oh my god - she ate that up so well. She was like "What a dick!"

That was the point where I was like "This is going to work isn't it?"

When Josh went missing, she was on the edge of her seat, and terrified. Wondering how they could still be filming. The scariest part for her was the bundle of twigs with Josh's bloody organ or whatever was in there.

She held it together so well, but reacted in a "what is that!??!" type of way.

By the end, the house stuff, she was so tense. And that last shot where Mike is standing at the corner and the camera drops, she was like "What do you think was wrong with him!?

After the Film:

First thing she said to me was "this is the scariest thing I've ever seen." I don't want to see anything like that ever again.

I asked her what was so terrifying?

She told me the mystery of just not knowing, having felt some evil had been involved. She is somewhat spiritual, and wants to believe in some of those weird unknown creatures, even ghosts. So this was sort of in line with that belief.

A Redditor commented that I should show her Curse of the Blair Witch, and I did show her the trailer, which validated that the characters did die in the movie.

After talking about how effective the movie was, I told her that it wasn't real, it was a marketing gimmick that worked on everyone in 1999.

She called me mean, but also said that she wouldn't have been scared if she knew it wasn't real so she liked it overall.

What movie should I show her next? I'm thinking of The Shining. She loves "Isolation in the cold mountains" type Youtube vlogs. I think this would be perfect.

TLDR:

So we're still together. Went well, ended up watching Ratatouille after.

It was really an incredible experience, because it's not often you get to experience something the first time with someone.

It reminded me when I introduced my Indian friend to Michael Jackson & the Beatles, or my young nephew to Star Wars.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-07-02 04:02:31+00:00.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That was u/ItsMissesStealYoCat. She posted in r/self 10 years ago and has since deleted her account.

A HUGE thank you to u/The_Year_of_Glad who found ALL of the links to the original reddit posts and the wayback machine. You are amazing!!!

Please read trigger warnings.

Trigger Warning: stalking; threats of rape; threats of murder; shooting in self defense; racism;

Mood Spoiler: maddening, but eventually somewhat satisfying

Original Post: September 24, 2014 (Recovered with Wayback Machine)

Title: Anyone had success with private investigators?

For the past 6 months I have been relentlessly stalked and had threats against my life made from someone I dated for a month. It started with phone calls upwards of 45-50 a day, 50 page text messages and him showing up outside of my house at 5 am. When I wouldn't not comply or feed the negative attention I began to receive threats, claims that he would murder me and get away with it, all he would have to do is flee the country. Telling me he shouldn't have to force me to be his friend or give him another chance or else. Every time I blocked his number from contacting me, he would then call me from different ones, try and pretend to be other people or have his friends or sometimes even random strangers he'd ask on the street( I once scared a unsuspecting guy half to death after informing him that the person who had just told him to call me was actually stalking me and I sent him proof, he ended up calling the police on him. He fled of coarse) After about 2 months of that I was evicted from my apartment building due to my neighbors no longer feeling safe because of his looming presence. I then applied for and was granted a TPO, A few days afterwards I received a picture message of the note the SHeriff Civil had left on the door of my Stalkers-then residence with a message taunting me that "What you are trying to do was stupid and a restraining order is just a piece of paper." So ultimately he just ended up avoiding the process server and simple as that, I was not being protected at all.

May 31st of this year I relocated. This did not deter my stalker. He vowed to find wherever I moved to and threatened that if he couldn't find me he would be able to find my family and then proceeded to send me a map of my mother's home whom he had never met. I received a message from a woman claiming to be my former landlord, letting me know that I owed a balance on my account and to avoid late fees I needed to pay the amount which I could do with the link provided in the message. Turns out it was my stalker pretending to be a woman and the link turned out to be a tool used to grab the user's IP address when the click the link. Upon this discovery I changed my phone number and began to systematically dismantle any trace of an online presence I once had. This action only seemed to anger him and before deleting the profiles outright I would attempt to block him from contacting me. Each and every time I blocked one he simply created a new one and proceed to contact me as if nothing had happened. 12 different reddit accounts, 9 different tumblrs, 10 different imstagrams, 3 meetup accounts, 4 facebooks (with which he changed his location to that of my hometown and proceeded to add nearly everyone from my graduating class in high school) and even 3 Duolingo accounts and myspace. Yes. MySpace.

I then received an empty package from him addressed to my former residence with the declaration : ADDRESS CORRECTION REQUESTED: DO NOT FORWARD. I'm assuming he thought that the post office would adhere to his requests and return the package to him with my new corrected address on it. Mid July he created a profile using my photos and likeness to threaten my family, when I didn't respond he proceeded to post semi nude pictures of me on the profile in attempt to black mail me into speaking with him. I did not and contacted TWITTER to report the account and have it removed which they eventually did. On 08/21/2014 I awoke around 8pm to vigorous knocking and ringing of my doorbell. I look out my window to see who it is and I was horrified to see my stalker there. I called the police and of coarse he fled once again (over 7 separate police reports filed). This incident was followed by threatening emails from my stalker demanding that I meet him somewhere or because he had found me that next time I would "wake up to gunshots" and that if I didn't he would first "taser you and rape you in the ass using your boyfriends blood as lube."

This past Sunday night I woke up at 645 am to the ringing and banging again, I proceeded to recorded him on video while I was on the phone with the police. He fled on foot once again and I was hit with the same hoopla from law enforcement "Well we can't really do much because technically at this point he's not doing anything wrong." (Then why does he flee, I wonder?). I obtained a TPO again but I have no solid address for this dangerous person. Which is why I am in dire need of a private investigator to assist with finding said residence so this person can be served. I hope you might be able to refer me to someone who might be able to assist me? I've developed insomnia, depression, anxiety and paranoia. I am completely isolated, I am 22 years old and I have no social life anymore. I have zero friends. I've become a shell of my former self. I've faced eviction and lost a job because of this man's behavior and I don't know how much longer I can survive. There's actually so much more filler shit that he has done to terrorize me but for the sake of this already lengthy post I tried to condense it, I have proof in the form of recordings, event diaries and copies of all of his threats, interactions and attempts to communicate and would be more than willing to email them to show I'm not lying. I am in LV if that helps at all.

Tl;dr: People overuse the word 'stalking' so much these days that no one takes it seriously anymore. As soon as someone doesn't like someone anymore they call them a stalker. This isn't staring at your ex's new lover's timeline longer than you healthily should. This is the real 'scared to sleep at night' deal. I have felt the fear before and it's eating away at me. I need help. Badly.

Edit: Whoever has gilded me gold, um WOW. Thank you so much as pathetic as it may seem Redditors and Imgurians have seriously been one of my only sources of comfort and human interaction for the past few months. You've know idea how much these communities helped out my constant sadness. ( I see you r/aww) You guys seriously rock. Thanks for being here for me.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Can you post the video?

OOP: Yes, but I'm on the phone with the police during the video, I'm not 100% sure how to blurt out certain information like my address and my phone number from the Audio in the video.

OOP Comments on September 27 (3 days later)

Commenter: Damn, I remember talking to an old friend of mine from Vegas who was saying she'll get a CCW soon. I kind of think I should forward this to her, soon just doesn't seem soon enough.

OOP: Do it. My gun saved my life.

Update Post: (Deleted, recovered with imgur) October 8, 2014 (2 weeks later)

Image description: a photo of the slightly open door. The chair is in front pushed to the side. Black paint(?) is covering the side of the door that has been busted in. Arrows (most likely from crime scene units) are stuck to the door pointing to individual spots.

I'm writing this staring at the mess the police left for me, in a bit of a fog. After 6 months of stalking and threats against my life my stalker finally snapped and decided to kick my door in and make good on his promise. Out of fear, the past month I had begun sleeping with a chair propped against my front door, to give myself a few extra precious seconds in case of emergency. I shudder to think how differently things might've turned out had I not barricaded the door. I awoke around 1:15 am to the sound of the door giving way after one kick followed by the sounds of my stalker struggling to dislodge the chair while forcing his way inside. I jumped up and grabbed the gun I've learned to do everything even shower with. I stood at the top of my stairs and fired twice. Hitting him in the chest, I hear his scream, his disbelief that I'd stood up for myself.. 0 to 100 in milliseconds. I've never been so afraid in my life. I do not know if he is living, but I do know the police have him and that's what helps the most. For months of him evading the police I began to question whether he was unstoppable. Untraceable. Houdini, he would murder me and get away with it. As of now I'm in a haze of guilt, surprise, relief and disbelief. I shook as the canines drag him out from his hiding place under a bush. I survived, where so many people do not. Holy shit, I survived.

Edit...

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/babemiller

AITA for calling MIL by her last name instead of Grandma?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: manipulation

Original Post  Sept 3, 2020

My relationship to my MIL, "Mrs Smith," is crap. She's cold to me because I kept my last name, Miller. She says "I'll treat her like family when she wants to be part of it." She calls me "Jake's friend." My husband Jake loves me all the same. He doesn't bother standing up to her because it's a way for her to start a fight. We rarely talk to her. She makes no effort. Neither do we.

Jake and I had discussed whose last name our kid would have prior to the birth. He initiated the conversation. I'd left the decision up to him.

After the birth, the families visited at the hospital. Jake asked what our Sons last name was gonna be. I told him it was still his choice. He smiled and said "little Baby Miller, I like it." He filled out the paper work. MIL looked livid. She started asking questions but my dad started crying. Both of my brothers have died. Dad has never mentioned it but I know passing the last name down makes him happy. Neither Jake or I anticipated this nor did it for this reason but it was sweet all the same.

After she left MIL let people know what I had done. And how now she wouldn't feel like a grandmother. A month later a SIL announced her pregnancy. MIL said "fianlly! I'll feel like a grandmother!" Again, my husband didn't say anything, neither did I.

Our son started talking. During a video call, where my MIL did nothing but gush about SILs daughter, who is adorable, Jake was trying to get the baby to talk. Son lost interest, I took Son and Jake let MIL ramble some more before ending the call. MIL said she wanted to say bye to Son. Jake turned the phone. MIL said "say bye to grandma! Make Son say it! I'm grandma now!" I snapped inside so I said "say 'bye Mrs Smith.'" My MIL face dropped, Jake turned the camera away and said bye quickly. He laughed, said I was awesome, but we better put our phones on silent.

The only call/text I responded to was the other SIL who said I didn't need to go out of my way to be nasty. That MIL went around saying how excited she was about Son (lie). That her initial comments were understandable because I talked Jake out of tradition (I DID NOT) and that I'd hurt MIL. MIL needed time to adjust. I said "thank you for your input."

MIL texted eventually saying I'd really upset her. I said "here I was, trying to respect the importance you feel to last names. You've said multiple times I'm not family because of my last name. You made it more than clear that's the reason my child doesn't make you feel like a grandma. Now you'll be known as Mrs Smith."  She said sorry, she didn't mean it that way, but that my dad's reaction was an example of how important last names are. I now had to forgive her because family.

It made me angrier that she brought my dad into this and I can't tell if I'm being TA or not.

Edit. Thank you again to everyone who gave awards! It was very kind of you and I do appreciate it.

Jake is home and I had him read the post. Some of you really cracked him up. Some made good points which we have discussed.

Apparently he also got a text from his sister and asked how much money she got from MIL for telling me off. He also made sure to tell SIL who had the baby that we hold nothing against her, should MIL try to spin it that way. She knows MIL better thankfully.

Jake would also like to tell those who are telling me I should take his name that he disagrees and he's not about the sexism you're spewing. Though he does now want to send MIL a Christmas card from "The Millers".

Edit 2. You guys are being great. I woke up to many more responses than I anticipated. Thank you.

Just to clarify, my son will not be calling MIL Mrs Smith. They barely have a relationship as he's still a baby and MIL makes no effort.

After some discussion, Jake is gonna take time to figure out what he wants from MIL and if he thinks that's possible.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

Can I just say your marriage sounds great? The way you wanted the baby's lastname to be his choice and he chose yours? There's so much love and respect here. Also I like how he stands by your side in his mother's nonsense. You both are awesome. NTA.

OOP

I just assumed our son would have his. He brought it up. He said it was fair since I was doing all the work. He said if he pushed a human out of him he'd want to put his name on it. Which makes me laugh. I still let it be his choice because regardless of his name, I'm gonna love this kid. If we have a second, I may insist they get his last name. Seems fair.

I am a very lucky woman, but it should be noted he wears his gross shoes through the house, so not perfect. But he says I sleep like an MMA fighter so I suppose we're even

OOP responds to a comment that answers many points

Here

""I don't see a reason why you were angry when she told you about you father's reaction. Seems a pretty valid point, the importance that the last name has for your father and her. This observation doesn't excuse her actions but still a good point... I mean, for what you have said seems like your dad would have done any nasty comments but him crying shows how important it is for some people.""

MIL divorced the man who's last name she took. It wasn't even her original name. And she has another son who is going to have kids. My husband wasn't her only option. And my father lost two sons. My dads reaction comes from a very different emotional place. And frankly, he knew he wasn't entitled to it. He simply appreciates it. Even FIL didn't care. And again, this decision was made by my husband, with my full support. Why isn't she mad at him?

""I'm not sure if this how you should say it "taste of her own medicine". It was a good move to show her how unrespectful she was doing the same and calling her by her last name was a good move indeed... But now that she is taking accountability (I think that's the word), it would be a jerk move keep calling her in that way. Maybe you can use this to out boundaries to her actions so it would be smart to get an agreement instead of keeping the lastname war.""

I'm not gonna keep calling her that. I'm currently discussing with my husband what we should do.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Update  Oct 23, 2020

Jake and I appreciated all the support. Though Jake wants the DMers to know that he's okay with me taking his balls because he loses everything anyway. This brought him a good chuckle before the serious talk. We both also want to be very clear that taking his name was never on the table, nor does he care. I also do want to say I know how great Jake is. Though since the post he's been "demanding" I thank "the worlds best husband" anytime he does something for me. His humor is my favorite part of him.

Because it's his mom, I let him decide how to handle it. We both did agree that our son would obviously know MIL as his grandma, but he wouldn't have a relationship with her unless she addressed the blatant favoritism.

That conversation did not go well. She denied having favorites, lied about pretty much everything, then told me the compromise she was willing to make was that if she had to accept me for who I am (being that I kept that name) I'd have to accept her for who she is. I didn't respond before Jake ripped into her about how she didn't get to make demands. That she was critical of me, assumed things that he already told her weren't true. That this conversation was happening because we didn't accept who she was. He said if he ever heard her make another comment about the Miller last name, he'd take it. She started crying about losing her family and he hung up.

One SIL, who is MILs favorite child, sent me a nasty message including the line "I wonder if your dead brother would happy you used him to break MILs heart." I sent the screenshot to MIL and said "call off your dog or I'll take her to the pound." I have sent a screenshot of that to anyone who has tried to question me. If they tried to defend MIL or SIL, I blocked them. Word got around quickly about this and now SIL is all but cut out of FILs side of the family. Even FIL has come down on her hard. SIL is desperately trying to apologize and fix this. She even allowed Jake to read everything MIL sent to her about my last name. I tried to read some of it but stopped. I don't want to be angry. I'm taking time to decide how to handle this.

I am happy to be done with MIL. She never really bothered me. It does takes a lot to get to me. But I don't want her behavior and attitudes being normalized with my son. I wasn't prepared for motherhood to have such a strong effect.

Jake did admit he gave Son my last name for my dad. Years ago my dad asked if Jake was gonna propose to me. Jake said if my dad wanted to know he would give him a heads up but he wouldn't ask for his blessing or permission. In many more words, d...

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-07-02 04:02:03+00:00.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/EmptyEarth507. They posted in r/TwoHotTakes and r/AmItheAsshole.

Thanks to u/Creepy_Addict and u/jabberwockjess for the rec!

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. Latest update is 7 days old per the rules of the sub.

Mood Spoiler: happy-ish ending

Original Post: June 11, 2024

I kind of know I am the asshole, but I need to know how bad it was.

My brother is 29 and has been with Lia for about 2 years. We all like her; she is super nice. I am getting married next April and sent an invite to my brother's apartment. We decided to send invites to households and not individuals. For example, our aunt received an invite for her family and not for each individual.

Last Thursday, we met at my parents' place. It was just the core family because of some tax reasons, lol. While there, I asked my brother about Lia's dietary restrictions. I know that she is a vegetarian for health reasons and that she cannot have certain raw vegetables.

He said that she wasn't going to come and that he was taking his girl best friend, Amanda, instead. Now, their relationship is weird af. Amanda has always been stringing my brother along, in my opinion. He always denies having feelings for her, but let's be real here.

Amanda would date other guys, blow off my brother, then when things were on the decline with her partners, she would be attached to him again. Her last boyfriend broke up with her right around the time my brother, his then ex-girlfriend, Amanda, and her ex were supposed to travel to Spain. What did my idiot brother do? Go with Amanda alone because Amanda was uncomfortable with his ex-girlfriend. Obviously, he acted blindsided when his girlfriend broke up with him. I didn't even say anything anymore because it's all so weird.

So, when he said that, I asked if Lia already had other plans. But my brother said that Amanda had asked if she could come because it would be an opportunity to finally see the old gang (we were in the same friend group in high school). I told him that I would have invited Amanda if I wanted her there. Amanda is mean and cold. She always makes disparaging comments about other girls. At every event, around one hour in, she will make some sort of scene that either has her running away crying or sitting mad at a table telling everyone to "leave her alone" and then making a cryptic comment about something "hurting her."

I told my brother I was revoking his plus one and Amanda was NOT coming to our wedding. He accused me of being misogynistic and bigoted because I don't understand opposite-sex friendships. Which is BS. My husband has a female childhood friend who is his best woman. I love her too and she has been amazing. AND SHE RESPECTS FUCKING BOUNDARIES. She always includes me and made a huge effort when I started dating my fiancé to integrate me into the friend group.

Anyway, I said my decision was final. He could take it or leave it, but I would be inviting Lia myself because I like her. He screamed at me and told me to keep out of his business. I said to get rid of his weird fucking feelings for Amanda. He is mad at me. My dad said is none of our deal. My mom is furious with my brother. So Aita?

Edit: to answer some questions

The invite was addressed to the "smith's." Funnily enough, Lia had the same last name as us. Granted, we have one of the most common last names.

Yes, they live together.

The tax thing is nothing huge. My parents have a small buisness but are really bad at keeping track of all their receipts. So every month we go and help them. We digitalis the receipts and put them in a bookkeeping software for the accountant

Amanda is in the comments. Say hi!

The (Alleged) Amanda Comments:

Editor's Note: the account replying is a well-established account on AITA and commented on many posts before commenting on OOP's- it was not a new account nor a throwaway. Do NOT DM this person or harass them in any way- this goes against the rules of the sub. I am only including this because it is relevant to what OOP wrote and pointed out.

Excellent-Count4009: YTA. If he has any sense, he simply will not come to your wedding - that's the correct way to handle AHs like you.

And - if he has any sense, he will go no contact with you AH.

OOP: Yeah I wouldn't mind lol

Excellent-Count4009: Well, if you don't mind your brother and dad not coming to your wedding, that's fine.

But the way you handled it makes you the AH: NOT inviting your brother would have been fine. Giving him an invite, trying to dominate him and decide his relationships for him, and then uninviting his +1 because YOU want to decide who his partner is - that's overstepping.

OOP: My dad is not mad at me, dude lol. He thinks it's unnecessary drama. He doesn't like Amanda either so he is just keeping out

"Amanda" replied to several other commenters. I included a few here:

Commenter: NTA your brother is though. He needs a huge reality check this chick Amanda sounds super problematic and toxic and sinxce it is your wedding you are absolutely within your rights to decide who gets to be there and who doesn‘t. Hope your brother will realize how manipulative Amanda is and cut her from his life before she manages to destroy even more for him.

Amanda: All of that is NONE of OP's business.

SHE gave him a +, and revoked it. She is an AH for intruding into his relationship

Tihs willb reak up her family.

Let'S see if her brother and dad will be the only ones not coming.

Commenter: It’s confusing then why he and Amanda aren’t together. They seem to be into each other. Or does he really like Amanda but she uses him as a placeholder and doesn’t reciprocate his feelings? If that’s the case, he needs to put distance there so he can move forward or you’re right, he will be alone until Amanda gets married to someone else.

Amanda: What do you esxpect? HE has an aH sister.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: [...] You can invite Lia yourself but by the sounds of your brothers behaviour who knows if they will even still be together by then. Even if they are I wouldn’t count on her sticking around if he keeps prioritizing Amanda over her.

OOP: I like Lia like genuinely as a friend and would like her there. I should honestly just have invited her officially, too. I should have honestly have been able to forsee David would do this.

Commenter: How does Lia feel about Amanda?

OOP: Well she feels hyper insecure about Amanda.

Commenter: She should, because this behavior is a pretty obvious sign that should Amanda give him a chance, he will cheat on Lia in a second, and has probably done so with his exes.

OOP: Agree 100 percent. If Amanda wrote him right now that she wants him, he would drive pantless to her place

On OOP's brother:

I gave given up talking to him years ago. I always feel sorry for the amazing girls he brings home, tho. I still talk to his ex. She helped me with .y career. Lol. He is going to end up alone

Commenter: But just to be safe, tell Lia she is invited even if she isnt with your brother anymore at the time of the wedding because "lets be real here" she can do alot better and its just a matter of time before she realises that and dumps him. Let Lia have a +1 so she can enjoy herself :) That would make her feel truely welcome.

Your brother is a major asshole, and I dont blame you at all for not wanting his side piece at your wedding. I also wouldnt blame you if you didnt want him at your wedding.

OOP: She can so much better. On paper, my brother is pretty great. Amazing job, financial stability, he volunteers at animal shelters and cares about his appearance. And when he is not drooling for Amanda, he is generally really nice and loving. But bro.

Why aren't he and Amanda together???

It's so weird, man! Idk. She is jealous when anyone spends time with him. I once told him to ask her to have a one-sided open relationship where she gets to do what she wants, and he waits at home for her because he already does that lol

Commenter: Did he even told Lia she was invited? There might be a possibility that he’s lying and the girlfriend didn’t even know about the wedding

OOP: She did not in fact know

Commenter: How did she learn about it ? From you or from him (for damage control)?

OOP: I called Lia in front of him, asking her about it. She had no idea

OOP is voted NTA

Update Post: June 25, 2024 (2 weeks later)

I listen to Two Hot Takes every day on my commute, so it was a huge surprise when you responded to my post. Thanks for your insights. (Editor's Note- tiktok [here](https://www.tiktok.com/@thtreddit/video/7381072878005144...

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/StarchildSeverina

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (22F) BF (25M) doesn’t find me attractive anymore because I gained weight. How can I fix this in a healthy way?

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: Eating Disorder, infidelity, body shaming

Original Post: June 10, 2024

Now to give some context before i start, i have had diagnosed anorexia for 8 years. I had an immense fear of food and was dangerously thin about 4 years ago. I have gained some weight shortly after, but my mental recovery has been difficult. I have only been feeling well for less than a year.

My boyfriend and I have known each other for 2 years. The first year was very difficult, he had just come out of a serious relationship that ended with him being cheated on multiple times. Because of how traumatic that was for him, he ended up treating me horribly. He has since apologized and has been amazing to me, however i know that multiple other women were in his life during that first year. My confidence was already shaken because of this, now it has hit an ultimate low.

We have had an amazing sex life until a few months ago, we used to get intimate everyday, maybe even more than once. Lately it happens about only once a week, and the passion is not there. He is very into me giving him oral, but just not sex itself. When we do have sex its always in positions where he can’t really see my face or my body. I’ve tried talking about this with him multiple times and nothing had changed, until today. I decided to be specific and asked him if me gaining weight had anything to do with his interest being so low, and he said yes.

Mind you, im nowhere near fat, for the first time since my teenage years, im actually a healthy weight. Now i do have some lower belly fat and thick legs, but i wasn’t bothered by that. Because i thought i was lovable and attractive no matter what… I can’t help but spiral, i know its not his fault that he doesn’t find me attractive anymore, but mentally im not taking this very well. I have the desire to cover up every inch of my skin, I get very uncomfortable when he tries to touch me in anyway, conflicted in whether i should have a meal or not etc. How do I get through this in a healthy way?

Relevant Comments

OOP on if she thinks her boyfriend was being an asshole for saying that he didn’t find her attractive

OOP: he really wasn’t and yes, i asked it. otherwise i don’t think he would ever say something like this to me on his own. i get why everyone is advising me to let this relationship pass, but i also do agree with you on the importance of honesty. i’ve been wondering if i worded myself the wrong way…

OOP on the possibilities if something has triggered her boyfriend or herself

OOP: nothing triggered anyone, i asked the question and i got my answer. my response is indeed not that of a normal person’s considering my ed, i just want advice on not spiralling on this issue (as in covering myself all the time etc.) and moving on without feeling any sort of resentment(?)

Update: June 23, 2024

Link to original post:

I had posted a little more than a week ago about this situation with my partner. (Link above) Since then I have been working out daily, eating what I consider to be healthy, and honestly I’ve had an amazing result in such a short time. Now I must make clear that I’m not doing this in an unhealthy way. However the toll this took on my mental still didn’t completely go away. I have been having a hard time getting intimate with my partner, because I get very nervous to his touch.

I had a conversation with him on how I’ve been very happy with this new routine and the results I see on my body, he said “Good, you still have a little more to go” and pointed at my lower belly. He does compliment my body also and call me beautiful also, but I found this comment to be unnecessary and very toxic so I tried to chat with him about it, he just said it’s ‘normal’ in a ‘normal relationship with a normal communication’. I got mad and told him to go home, and that I needed to think on it. Now since I have an ED (anorexia to be specific) I don’t know if I am overreacting to stuff like this. I had also told him to research what anorexia is and be a bit more sensitive towards me when the topic is my weight a week ago, he said he would but he didn’t, and he also kept commenting. He said he just wanted to motivate me since I’ve already started working out. Is he right? Am i overreacting? Is it just an innocent comment with no bad intent?

UPDATE: Thank you for your comments, I know some of you were mad that i posted twice and not listened to any advice from the first one. I know you all mean well, I had a hard time accepting the facts because of many reasons that I do not want to get into. You’ve all been very supportive and kind, thank you for giving me the courage and the push towards the right direction. I have ended things and will be focusing on myself from now on. And please do not worry about my health, as I’m trying my hardest to eat (and succeeding) even when I do not feel hungry due to stress. Much love and again thanks to all of you. ❤️

Relevant Comments

OOP responds to multiple questions about keeping her health in check and not relapse back to her old habits with anorexia

OOP: Do not worry, I’m not restricting myself from anything. I’m still very healthy, thank you for your concern 🫶🏻 + I’m not back to my disordered habits, there’s no need to worry. To be more specific, my mother was there with me during the entirity of my ed, from my lowest to my recovery. I have voiced my concerns of relapse and we’re doing daily check ups of my eating habits 🫠 Thank you for asking 🫶🏻 + Having an eating disorder is a mental illness, not just physical, just like a drug addiction is. You’re never mentally free and always have the risk of relapsing, but that doesn’t always mean it has to be the case. I’ve had my fair share of relapses or slips, but yes, I’m doing fine at this exact moment.

GoldenHind124: You're not overreacting and your gut reaction is telling you something here. Why can't this dipshit bf of yours just say something encouraging without offering an evaluation? Why can't he just simply be kind? No, he just has to shoot his mouth off with that nugget and further worsening your insecurity and self-esteem. I can't BELIEVE for a minute that this is being done without malice. And I promise you, that shittiness gets much worse over time, not better.

I think it is time to call it on this relationship before the real harm sets in. Keep focusing on your health and following the proper guidelines for ED treatment. Seek out help from a therapist that is trained in this recovery because I am worried for you and you need positive support OUTSIDE of your relationship. Good luck and hugs <3

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Jealous-Doubt2401

Thousands of Dollars wasted hosting a “friend”

Originally posted to r/EntitledPeople

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of drug use/drug abuse. Entitlement. Descriptions of gross behavior, financial exploitation

Original Post June 17, 2024

Originally posted on an alt but it got deleted because of lack of comment history. I wanted to hide comment history since it highlights country in question but idgaf anymore. NSFW just in case. Mentions drugs and sex.

My friend from high school has been down in the dumps for a while. It’s her third year of college and while her parents pay for all her school needs and a little more, her reluctance to get a part time job leaves her strapped for cash all the time. This culminated to her spending all three of her summer breaks in relative nothingness.

She’s taking a gap year to stall out her senior year and I offered to host her at my parent’s house in my home country. She was ecstatic. I told her to bring enough money to be comfortable but to not worry too much about food costs as my parents can foot the bill (my parents offered to do so). For some reason she thought that this meant we would be paying her ticket. Mind you, a ticket would’ve costed minimum $1100.

Chaos ensued just two weeks out from the designated time of her arrival but she managed to cough out a ticket, courtesy of her parents. We’re on the third week of her stay and it’s been hell. I never knew anyone could change so much in 5 college semesters. Because we were long distance friendship, I never saw her behavior in the flesh. Let me just highlight some of the utter audacity of this bitch:

• She’s been avoiding doing the laundry, stuffing all her dirty clothes underneath the bed. At first it was because she was too lazy to put her clothes in the hamper (my mom graciously do all our laundry, mostly because she’s into fitness and a busybody), then when it ended up piling up she got too embarrassed to admit it. I ended up doing the laundry for her. Her room is a mess from her nightly food binging and somehow she snuck alcohol bottles into the house. I’m well into my fourth gnat trap in her room because she can’t keep her shit clean enough to avoid an infestation.
• She FaceTimes her cousin or best friend or whatever in the middle of the night. Then when she inevitably misses on our agreed schedule the next morning because she’s too tired, she lies and tells me it’s because the mattress is too uncomfortable. I can literally hear you laughing in the other room.
• We went to a bar. She meets a local there and asks me to hang around the city while she dates him because “she didn’t want to be left alone.” I told her to eat ass because I never agreed to being ditched like this, but decided to stick around anyways because I still had things I wanted to do in the city. Come night time and I went to pick her up only to see that she changed her mind and went home with the guy she just met. Womp womp.

Later she tells me she lied to him, saying she moved here. He didn’t want a one night stand with a tourist, but an actual relationship. She just wanted free drinks and sex. She then mentions that she was getting frustrated because guys weren’t approaching her when she was a foreigner??? She’s literally the same race as the locals, except with a darker complexion. Think French vs Portuguese in comparison.

• She’s doing drugs. Like, the illegal ones. I don’t even know how she got her hands on those, probably from the guy she just met. She brought them home and tried to smoke out the window. The drugs are gone from the house at least, I used cleaning the room as an excuse to flush it out(not literally).
• Parents bought us event tickets that were approximately $70 each. She decided to go to a club instead and wouldn’t answer her phone when I was left blindsided. She agreed to go, but didn’t tell me she changed her mind. I lied to my parents because I didn’t have the heart to tell my mom only I went.
• She never tells us when she’s hangover or whatever. Only after my parents buy the food she decides she’s too wasted to eat.
• Parents asked her to be a bit more thorough with her scheduling because she kept cancelling plans and sleeping in. Her response was to call my parents nosy and told them to get off her back. Luckily they don’t speak her language and they didn’t bother asking me what she said. They know she’s being a bitch.

This isn’t even all the things she’s done so far. My parents have spent close to $3500 on her, ranging from food and luxury trips around the country. They were going to take us to get a full course meal ranging around $150 and a trip to another country, but cancelled everything because of her behavior. Now she’s asking me about these things that were supposedly “promised” to her and I just told her straight that she’s acting like a festering cockroach.

I think she knows our friendship is over. She came out of the room yesterday after a day long sabbath, pretending to have starved out of stress. She has snacks stashed in her room and when I peeked in to see wrappers on the floor, she slammed the door in my face so I couldn’t see the mess. She claims that she’s just depressed and didn’t realize my family had all these “eastern” rules that was too foreign for her comprehension. rules like no shoes in the house and well…. Not turning the room into a pigsty. We both literally grew up in the same western country so these rules being too eastern for us is new to me. This isn’t even considering her family is also from an eastern country.

She sat me down to tell me we need to communicate better on what I expect from her since we’re adults now but I don’t see why I need to “communicate” that she shouldn’t be putting half eaten ramen in the closet for two weeks??? Anyways, I told her she can do what wants to do for the last week, and I’ll stay out of her hair. She again asked me if we were going on that foreign country trip we initially planned for. I told her no, and she’s sulking in her room again. Oh noes.

Anyways, I have one more week with this…. parasite. Reddit please give me strength.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

TheRealRedParadox

Yeah burn that bridge and never speak to her again OP, I'm sorry her true colors came out that way

OOP

Thank you, she sounded so put together aside from her obvious financial issues when we were long distance… I thought she was genuinely just a bit depressed 😭 Known her since elementary school but this friendship is no longer salvageable.

OOP on why they put up with the friends behavior

Luckily and unfortunately we were long distance for the duration of college. So luckily I didn’t deal with any of her new behavioral issues because she never showed me any. I knew she did develop a liking for smoking but it wasn’t as if I never smoke a blunt.

Unfortunately for me all her issues came to light around the second week of the vacation. That was when I had to start intervening on her mess and she started to slip back into her partying habits. By the third week it went fully blown up and now my parents know. Parents aren’t letting me kick her out but they sure am letting her know she’s only welcome to stay for another week assuming she’ll stay relatively clean.

Update June 25, 2024

I wasn’t going to update or anything but I thought what happened two days ago warranted another post. NSFW just because the original post had it.

Summary of OG post: My family decided to host my friend in a foreign country, and proceeded to spend thousands of dollars on her. It all goes down the drain, culminating in canceling a trip abroad planned for her due to her drug and generally terrible guest habits.

This isn’t some coming of Christ or scorned lover (friend?) revenge update but I felt the need to vent. About 4 days ago I went on a camping trip with the family. My “friend” decided to sleep over at the her new not-so-one night stand’s house until she left the country, most likely because she no longer felt welcome in my house. I told her we won’t be home but I get a text message from her while camping saying she’s going back home and needed the passcode to the house. There was no way in hell I was going to let her in the house alone so I ignored her text. She blew up my phone shortly after, including calls that I can’t even pick up anyways because it’ll bill me international calls.

Judging from her sporadic text and calls, I can only surmise she got kicked out of her guy’s house. Unfortunately I only got her side of the story but I suspect she either got too hung up on his drugs and ignored him, or grossed him out with her living habits. Did I mention this girl left vomit trails in the bathtub? Why doesn’t she puke on the toilet?! It was either that or she revealed she doesn’t actually live here since she did trick him into thinking this isn’t going to be a summer fling.

I texted her back while coming back 2 days ago telling her I didn’t have reception, and she replies with a real short “ok.” We let her in some time in the evening because my parents are still w...

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/swtogirl on 2024-07-01 15:09:07+00:00.

I am not OOP. That is u/Fearless_Hornet_5302 and they posted on r/AITAH

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: Ending is pretty unresolved and unhappy for OOP for now

AITAH for not forgiving my dad for what he said? June 21, 2024

My dad (45M) is really into cars. His dad (my grandpa) is also into cars. My grandpa used to work in a mechanic shop and my dad learned to work on cars with him. They can talk for hours about different car models and engines and tell stories about cars they’ve worked on. I (17M) am not really into them. My dad tried to get me into fixing up cars with him but it just doesn’t click with me. I know basic stuff like how to change a tire or oil and how to jumpstart a battery because he taught me and I’m glad for it. But talking about cars and working on them for fun I’m just not into. I always thought my dad was okay with me not being a car guy.

Five months ago we got these new neighbors that moved next door. It’s a married couple and their nephew Mason (16M) lives with them. Mason and I go to school together. At first I helped show him around school until he got comfortable and made his own friends. He and I talk still but we don’t hang out. Mason is like my dad and grandpa. He’s obsessed with talking about cars and has a whole list of cars he wants to drive and own one day. He would come over with his aunt and uncle and a lot of times Mason and his uncle would hang out with my dad in the garage. Sometimes I’d be there too but usually it’s just them.

My dad usually works on his project car in the garage every other weekend for a couple hours. For Father’s Day this year he said he wanted to be able to work on his car all day uninterrupted, which my mom agreed too. Whenever he works on his car he leaves the garage door open. Mason has been coming by when my dad works on it for the past couple months and he talks to my dad and sometimes helps him out with smaller stuff related to the car. I don’t really care. My dad does other stuff with me. But on Sunday I went to go ask him something when he was in the garage with Mason. The door from the house to the garage was open and him and Mason were talking. I was waiting by the door for a chance to speak because I didn’t wanna interrupt their conversation. My dad was praising Mason for whatever he did. Mason said he had done that with his dad and my dad told Mason his dad would be proud of him. Then he said Mason is the kind of son that he wanted to have.

Idk why but that really fucking hurt to hear. I never thought that me not being into cars was an issue for my dad. I knew he still loved me but I guess it’s not enough. I didn’t say anything and just went back to my room. He doesn’t know that I know what he said. I’ve been ignoring him since then. I still answer him when he asks me questions or tells me to do something but I just don’t want to talk to him just because anymore. Him and my mom (43F) have asked me if something is wrong but I lie and say no. I thought they would just let it go but a few days ago I messed up and told my older sister (19F) what happened because she kept asking and now she’s not talking to my dad either and she’s being a lot meaner to him about it. But I made her promise not to tell anyone the reason so she’s keeping her word.

It’s really tense in our house right now. My parents keep asking us why we’re mad at our dad but neither of us are answering and idk I feel like maybe I should just let it go and go back to the way things were. I really don’t want to though when my dad is disappointed in who I am. AITAH if I don’t forgive my dad?

Relevant Comments:

Beck2010:

“Dad, I get that you’re disappointed that I’m not into cars like you and grandpa. It’s just not my thing, but I do appreciate how you taught me the basics. But when I went to the garage to see you on Father’s Day, I heard you tell Mason that he was the kind of son you wanted/wished you had. Do you have any idea how hurtful that is? On Father’s Day I got to hear my dad tell someone else that they were the type of kid he wanted. So yeah. I’m hurt. You said it so casually. And on Father’s Day.”

NTA.

CamiTheStupidWolf:

I think that if he mentions that it was Father's Day his dad will focus on that and the fact that it was Mason there messing with a car and not his OP, so it could get all like "Well if you had even tried maybe I wouldn't say it" and shit, the dad sounds like a AH, so maybe he should not give his dad that power.

Saltyseasonedtrash:

The day the dad asked to be left ALONE to work on his car? Yeah why wouldn’t his son be there

dilligaf_84:

It also struck me that the dad specifically asked to be left alone to work on his car uninterrupted on Fathers Day, but happily lets Mason interrupt him on Fathers Day and then drops the little gem about wanting a son like Mason. What an awful situation!

Many Redditors advised OOP to talk to either his mom, dad or both about the issue:

writing_mm_romance:

30 years ago in the heat of the moment, my dad yelled at me and called a lazy fat ass. It actually still comes up in my therapy sessions sometimes. The situation was simply that I didn't want to leave the living room when my mom's friends were coming over. I locked myself in my room for 2 days and refused to speak to him. When I opened the door he was devastated, he knew I was hurt and that his words were the cause.

He did what he could to make it right, but I still hear those words in my head sometimes. Telling him isn't going to make those words go away, but saying it and giving him a chance to hear how it made you feel is the only way you'll start the process of healing from it.

As others have mentioned it may have been said to make the neighbor feel better, but that doesn't excuse the hurt it caused. Holding it in will only make your feelings and emotions grow.

Bargle-Nawdle-Zouss:

As in MANY relationships, lack of communication is the fatal error. It can't get better, your dad can't learn, until you tell him how hurt you are.

Have a family sit down, and have it out with him. CALMLY tell him what you heard, and how it made you feel. Ask your sister to not interject, as this is between you and your dad.

If you handle this like an adult, this should be a wake up call for your dad. If he refuses to acknowledge how hurt you are, then he would be past the point of forgiveness. Hopefully he will realize how strongly you feel about this.

Avoiding this discussion resolves nothing. It just pushes this issue down the road while your negative feelings continue to grow, until at some time not of your choosing you randomly explode like a volcano. Better to handle it sooner, in a controlled fashion.

NTA, but please tackle this issue directly, ASAP.

vandr611:

NTA for anything that you are feeling or not being able to forgive him.

However, you should probably give him the chance to apologize and make amends for hurting you. From what you described, you know he never wanted to hurt you this way. He cares, or he wouldn't be concerned about why you are upset. So, give him the chance to make it up to you. He might mess it up, you know him better than I do, but you will feel better about not being able to forgive him if he messes up again or doesn't feel the need to apologize/make amends.

If you don't feel comfortable taking it to him directly, start with your mom or request a session with a family therapist.

[OOP](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dlfvsp/comment/l9omorl/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web3x&amp;utm_name=web3xcss&amp;utm_term=1&amp;utm_content=sha...

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